Thursday - June 09, 2005

Most Ridiculous Item Of The Day

I have to thank James Taranto of the WSJ’s Opinion Journal for discovering this gem. It’s from the Letters To The Editor at the Asheville, NC Citizen-Times (last letter at the bottom) ....

Unnecessary squirrel death
Reminder of our responsibility

I am an animal lover. I am shocked at the speed of automobiles on the Blue Ridge Parkway and have reported same to the rangers.

On a recent Sunday I saw a little squirrel halfway across the road. A driver approached and could have more than given the squirrel time to get out of danger, but no. He hit the little squirrel. I jumped out hoping he was only dazed. I picked him up, trying to breathe air into his nostrils — his heart was still beating — yet he died in my arms before I got home.

This indifference must end — they are God’s creations. We are responsible for their welfare.

Faye Arrington,
Asheville

Posted by The Skipper     on 06/09/2005 at 11:09 AM   
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   Wednesday - June 08, 2005

Gardening In The Twilight Zone

Imagine if you will: you’re on your knees in your garden, slowly working your way down the row of flowerbeds - you’re giving the dirt under the petunias a serious workout while sprinkling water on the daffodils in the next row ..
..
..
suddenly
..
..
a human leg with the shoe still tied on it slams into the ground next to you. You scream and turn to look up. Nothing there. No one around. Just you and .... the leg.

You have just entered the Twilight Zone Garden.

Posted by The Skipper     on 06/08/2005 at 03:14 PM   
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   Friday - June 03, 2005

Most Outrageous Item Of The Day

Man works at methane plant. Methane is highly flammable. Man goes into porta-potty. Fumes in porta-potty are highly flammable. Man lights cigarette while “meditating”. Man explodes. Man sues porta-potty manufacturer. “S**t happens” is no longer a valid defense. Stupidity rules.

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. - A Pennsylvania man injured when a portable toilet exploded is suing a general contractor and a coal company for negligence.

John Jenkins, 53, and his wife Ramona Jenkins, 35, of Brave, Pa., filed the lawsuit in Monongalia County Circuit Court on Tuesday. They are suing Chisler Inc., a general contractor from Fairview, and Eastern Associated Coal Corp. for $10 million in damages.

The explosion occurred July 13, 2004, at Parrish Shaft in Blacksville. Jenkins, a North West Fuels Development Inc. methane power plant operator, entered a portable toilet, sat down and tried to light a cigarette.

“When I struck the lighter, the whole thing just detonated — the whole top blew off,” John Jenkins said. “I can’t tell you if it blew me out the door or if I jumped out.”

Posted by The Skipper     on 06/03/2005 at 06:25 AM   
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   Thursday - June 02, 2005

Unfair And Unbalanced

Runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks, left, leaves the Gwinnett County courthouse with her attorney, Lydia Sartain, in Lawrenceville, Ga., Thursday, June 2, 2005. Wilbanks pleaded no contest Thursday to a felony charge and wept as she was sentenced to probation, community service and a fine. (AP Photo/Ric Feld)

LAWRENCEVILLE, Ga. - With her once-jilted fiance at her side, runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks pleaded no contest Thursday to a felony charge and wept as she was sentenced to probation, community service and a fine.

“I’m truly sorry for my actions and I just want to thank Gwinnett County and the city of Duluth,” a crying Wilbanks told the judge as she pleaded to a charge of making a false statement.

She was sentenced to two years of probation and 120 hours of community service. The judge also ordered her to continue mental health treatment and pay the sheriff’s office $2,550.

If she successfully completes her probation, the felony will be erased from her record, Gwinnett County District Attorney Danny Porter said.

Wilbanks, whose disappearance before her wedding in April created a nationwide sensation, was wearing a black outfit and running shoes as she arrived at the Gwinnett County courthouse Thursday to make her plea. Her fiance John Mason, whom she was to have married April 30 in a lavish ceremony, was by her side.

After the judge handed down the sentence, the attorneys approached the bench to discuss the case and Wilbanks sat alone at the defendant’s table, hugging herself and sobbing quietly. Mason sat several rows behind her, watching in silence. The two did not share any words or glances as Wilbanks’ attorney escorted her out of the courtroom after the hearing.

Posted by The Skipper     on 06/02/2005 at 11:44 AM   
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   Saturday - May 28, 2005

French Fried Crook

Here is something to go with the Dick Taters.

GLENS FALLS, N.Y. Police believe an upstate man found suffering from severe burns was injured when he tried to burn off the tracking device attached to his ankle.

Posted by Yellow Dog     on 05/28/2005 at 11:00 AM   
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   Friday - May 27, 2005

Brits To Revert To Stone Age

It is now official. Brits are being completely disarmed. British researchers have completed a study that shows knives are being used in too many crimes and are pushing for legislation to ban them.

The study found links between easy access to domestic knives and violent assault are long established.

French laws in the 17th century decreed that the tips of table and street knives be ground smooth.

A century later, forks and blunt-ended table knives were introduced in the UK in an effort to reduce injuries during arguments in public eating houses.

The researchers say legislation to ban the sale of long pointed knives would be a key step in the fight against violent crime.

“The Home Office is looking for ways to reduce knife crime.

“We suggest that banning the sale of long pointed knives is a sensible and practical measure that would have this effect.”

Home Office spokesperson said there were already extensive restrictions in place to control the sale and possession of knives.

“The law already prohibits the possession of offensive weapons in a public place, and the possession of knives in public without good reason or lawful authority, with the exception of a folding pocket knife with a blade not exceeding three inches.

“Offensive weapons are defined as any weapon designed or adapted to cause injury, or intended by the person possessing them to do so.

“An individual has to demonstrate that he had good reason to possess a knife, for example for fishing, other sporting purposes or as part of his profession (e.g. a chef) in a public place.

Posted by The Skipper     on 05/27/2005 at 11:29 AM   
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   Tuesday - May 24, 2005

Nightcap

Before you retire for the evening, here is the latest Moonbattery for the day ....

• Naked Zorro is on the loose in Philadelphia. Residents urged to remain calm and try to stay out of reach of his “sword”.


• Everything you ever wanted to know about alcohol. Did you know that the U.S. Marines’ first recruiting station was in a bar?


• Zurich, Switzerland has banned a giant teddy bear balloon from its parade. (with pics) Do you think it could have been because the ursine zeppelin was “a giant dominatrix teddy bear wearing a leather mask and brandishing hand-cuffs”?


• Strange state laws still on the books puzzle many of us. In Minnesota a person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head. In North Carolina, it is illegal to sing off key. In Idaho, you may not fish on a camel’s back while Ohio makes it unlawful to get a fish drunk or to fish for a whale on Sundays. In Kentucky it is illegal to marry outside the family . OK, I made that last one up.

Posted by The Skipper     on 05/24/2005 at 08:21 PM   
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   Saturday - May 21, 2005

Most Ridiculous Item Of The Day

Gay Israeli artists seek Arabs to fall in love with ....

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Two gay Israeli men have installed a huge double bed in a New York art gallery and are inviting Arab men to become their “lover” as part of an exhibition called “Sleeping with the Enemy.”

But the artists who like to be known simply as Gil and Moti talk about the project in romantic terms, saying it’s about “falling in love” rather than sex. Gil said visitors should not come to the show expecting to see pornography.

“The bed is there for us to live in. Artistically there are three pillows to symbolize unity of three people which goes along with the whole concept of make love not war,” he said.

“We try to actually open up a dialogue and debate which is about more important issues than just sexual matters and if there’s sex, OK, but it’s not something we’re interested in discussing,” Gil said.

The sales pitch for the show in which the two live and work in the gallery surrounded by their art reads: “Israeli artists Gil and Moti are gay, married and in love. For 5 weeks, they court an Arab lover.”

Since late 2002 they have made contact online with as many as 300 Arab men from across the Middle East. They typically send a message through a dating site asking if they can paint a picture from the man’s photo and explaining who they are.

They then scan and e-mail the painting as a means of “seduction” and hopefully start a dialogue and meet, Gil said.

The gallery called Jack the Pelican, in Brooklyn, is displaying over 100 of the watercolors, priced at $700-$900, along with some transcripts of e-mail exchanges, photos and oil paintings and the bed.

“We felt frustrated with the political situation in the Middle East,” said Gil. “As Israelis, we grew up with Arabs but we were encouraged by the education system to hate and abuse them so we thought we must do something about it.”

“So we decided to fall in love with one of them.”

Posted by The Skipper     on 05/21/2005 at 02:35 PM   
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   Friday - May 20, 2005

Lawsuit!

Saddam Hussein, speaking through his “mouthpiece”, says he is going to sue The Sun for publishing pictures of him in his skivvies. In a related story, I plan to sue The Sun for exposing my naked, unprotected eyes to Saddam’s shit-stained BVD’s. I’m also going to sue Steel for posting it here earlier today .... and I’m going to sue Kodak for making the cheap-ass camera used to take the pictures. Get me my lawyer on the phone right now .... there’s a finger in my blog ....

Posted by The Skipper     on 05/20/2005 at 11:14 PM   
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Galloway: Theatre Of The Absurd

Get ready for this one, folks. Here is a story from Agence France Presse (AFP), the Frog Press, and later republished in The Pakistani Newspaper that claims .... never mind .... just read it ....

Galloway Says He Smoked Cuban Cigar in US Senate

LONDON, May 19: Maverick British politician George Galloway said Wednesday he broke a US trade sanction by smoking a Cuban cigar in Washington where he clashed with senators over charges he received Iraqi oil kickbacks.

Mr Galloway, who gave a spirited defence Tuesday before a US subcommittee investigating the UN oil-for-food scandal, accused US President George W. Bush and Britain’s Prime Minister Tony Blair of being the real villains.

“I did a bit of sanctions busting in Washington yesterday, I smoked a Havana cigar just like this one,” the 50-year-old Scotsman told a London rally of his left-wing, anti-war, political party Respect.

“I smoked it inside the Capitol building and I even blew the smoke at the White House,” he shouted above thunderous cheers and applause from hundreds of supporters. “And I think we blew them away, didn’t you?”—AFP

Posted by The Skipper     on 05/20/2005 at 09:29 AM   
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   Tuesday - May 17, 2005

Speaking Of Lunch ….

.... how would you like your maggots served????

Dishes at the Espitas restaurant in Dresden include maggot ice cream, maggot salads and maggot cocktails.

Espitas owner Alexander Wolf said: “We are the first in the world as far as I know to start importing them.

“What started out as a bit of a joke has exceeded all expectations. We started serving them about a month ago, and now we have guests spreading the word to their friends, and we are now fully booked for weeks ahead.

“We serve maggot salads, fried maggots with cactus and corn, maggot desserts such as maggots in ice cream or chocolate sauce, and of course maggot cocktails.

“The maggots have proved to be such a success, that I now preparing my next project: a delicious traditional Mexican dish of ant eggs and grasshoppers in several variations.”

Teenager Sarah Azubi, 17, said: “I had them deep fried, they were crunchy like chips and tasted a bit like nuts, with a soft juicy bit in the middle around a crunchy shell.”

Posted by The Skipper     on 05/17/2005 at 11:58 AM   
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   Monday - May 16, 2005

We’re So Sorry, Uncle Albert ….

Sixteen people dead and over one hundred injured during riots in Afghanistan after Newsweek publishes inflammatory story accusing military of flushng Koran down toilet at Guantanamo Detention Facility.

Newsweek didn’t validate their source, who is now recanting his story. Newsweek wishes to apolgize for lousy reporting, bad practices in journalism, liberal bias, overcharging for subscriptions and for defending Dan Rather last year .... well, the first two, at least. Families of dead in Afghanistan are not amused ....

“We regret that we got any part of our story wrong, and extend our sympathies to victims of the violence and to the U.S. soldiers caught in its midst,” Whitaker wrote in the magazine’s latest issue, due to appear on U.S. newsstands on Monday.

The weekly news magazine said in its May 23 edition that the information had come from a “knowledgeable government source” who told Newsweek that a military report on abuse at Guantanamo Bay said interrogators flushed at least one copy of the Koran down a toilet in a bid to make detainees talk.

But Newsweek said the source later told the magazine he could not be certain he had seen an account of the Koran incident in the military report and that it might have been in other investigative documents or drafts.

Whitaker told Reuters that Newsweek did not know if the reported toilet incident involving the Koran ever occurred. “As to whether anything like this happened, we just don’t know,” he said in an interview. “We’re not saying it absolutely happened but we can’t say that it absolutely didn’t happen either.”

Did you catch that last sentence from Whitaker? Now that’s what I call an “open-ended mea culpa” .... or perhaps better known as just plain bullshit.

Posted by The Skipper     on 05/16/2005 at 12:42 AM   
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   Wednesday - May 11, 2005

People Having A Bad Day

You know you’re having a bad day when ....

• You’re crying over spilled beer in Canada.


• You’re running from an airplane attack in Washington, DC.


• Your outhouse is on fire.


• You’re an ice cream truck vendor in anger management for slugging a 13-year-old kid.


• It’s your wedding night and you break your arm “just before the fun starts”.


• You’re driving along, your girlfriend giving you oral sex and you crash the car - then you get fined and lose your license.

So there! If you think you are having a bad day, reflect on these poor unfortunates above. Remember, it’s only Wednesday. You’re only halfway to the weekend. Lots more can go wrong between now and Friday.

Posted by The Skipper     on 05/11/2005 at 01:12 PM   
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   Friday - May 06, 2005

Message For Schoolchildren

Kids! Listen up! If you want to color your hair and pretend to be way cool .... If you want to drop out of that crazy “establishment school” where you’ve been hassled for too many years while they tried to teach you useless shit that you’ll never need .... If you are convinced your parents are crazy and don’t understand the modern world .... If you think the chicks will dig a real cool guy with purple hair .... then we have the solution for you.

Posted by The Skipper     on 05/06/2005 at 04:59 PM   
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