Monday - September 27, 2004

Quest For Fire, Part II

Posted by The Skipper     on 09/27/2004 at 02:45 AM   
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   Sunday - September 26, 2004

Dead Horses

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”

However, in government, civic and charitable groups, education, unions and corporate America more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse’s performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course a favorite . . . promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another week, another hurricane.

(-- thanks to Ric)

Posted by The Skipper     on 09/26/2004 at 05:39 PM   
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Hell On Earth

In case you were wondering what things are looking like in Forida right now, here is a small glimpse into hell ....
Click on each image for larger picture (opens in pop-up) ....
(all pictures courtesy AP, except last one from NOAA Satellite Imagery)

As the last image shows, the eye is squatting right over Vilmar’s head right now. Hang in there buddy! This is what my family in South Alabama had to endure last week and there’re all OK. Just don’t do anything stupid, OK?

Posted by The Skipper     on 09/26/2004 at 01:59 PM   
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Weather Report

Al Sleet, here .... your hippy-dippy weather man with the weekend weather news report for Florida:

Hurricane again ....

.... wait a f**king minute. That’s not news. News is “new”. This is “Olds”. Folks living in Florida are running North to escape another “sudden, surprise” hurricane. The only surprise here is why they’re surprised. Humans never learn, do they?

Let’s examine the facts ....

First, take a good hard look at the coast of the Gulf Of Mexico and the coast of Florida, South Carolina and most of North Carolina. Go ahead, find a map and examine it carefully. Notice anything peculiar? OK, numb-nuts, step back and look at the COASTLINES. See all those nicely rounded arcs and near perfect circular areas of beach? Take a look at the Texas coast. Anything creeping into your brain yet about the shape of the coast? Well, compare that coast to Norway which has NEVER seen a hurricane. Now, Norway has all those jiggly bits sticking out and in (they’re called “fyords") whereas Texas and the Florida coast is smoothly REAMED OUT into nice smooth curvy arcs. Are you starting to get a hint yet, humans? For millions of years the North African Bowling League of the Weather Gods have been playing ten-pins with this area. They stroll up to the line in Morocco and let loose their bowling balls straight across the alley of the mid-Atlantic right into the Caribbean where the pins are setup. The coast didn’t get that way because of bird migrations or global warming. NO! It took year after year of monster “bowling balls” crossing the Atlantic and reaming out the coast. This is nothing new! Surprise!

Second, the absolute flattest state in the USA is Florida. Haven’t you ever wondered why? Fact: the highest point in the state is way up north in the panhandle about 30 miles from Alabama. The rest of the freaking state hunkered down and sunk into the mud millions of years ago in order to get away from the annual Bowling Tournament Of The Gods. Hell, even Texas followed suit and started sinking down along the coast after being battered for year after year. Folks in Texas who live in Corpus Christi have to drive all day inland to find even a minor hill.

Third, take a look at the wildlife in Florida ..... go ahead, I’ll wait .......... what’s the most prevalent animal early explorers found in Florida? The ALLIGATOR! The state teems with these critters. Why? Well, I’ll tell you why .... if ever there was a large animal with LOW GROUND CLEARANCE this is it. These guys flatten themselves to the ground and creep along gobbling up other wildlife. If the winds get too tough, hell they just glide into the water, leaving only two eyeballs sticking out like goobered-up periscopes waiting for the winds to die down. If that’s not enough proof for you, what’s the tallest animal on earth? Huh? C’mon, you know .... the GIRAFFE! Now, ask yourselves this question .... how come giraffes aren’t native to Florida? Why have no giraffes ever been found living in Florida, except in zoos built by that asinine, stupid creature .... man. Now, man used to crawl around on all fours which put him pretty low to the ground and fairly safe from high winds and hurricanes but then one day he decided to start walking upright .... and it’s been all downhill since then.

So, let this be a lesson to you puny humans in Florida. Get back down on all fours and start hanging out with the alligators. After all, they’ve survived this shit for millions of years without receiving a single penny from FEMA. And besides, I have a sneeking suspicion that even the stupidest alligator can punch a ballot WITHOUT leaving a dangling chad.

This has been a public service message from the Barking Moonbat Early Warning System Weather Bureau.

-- I’m Dennis Cucinich and I approve this message.

-- I’m Dan Rather and I have no idea what the f**k is going on here but I know it’s Bush’s fault ....

Posted by The Skipper     on 09/26/2004 at 10:01 AM   
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Something Wicked This Way Comes

This will be short as most of you can see the images on TV anyway.

Hurricane Jeanne is expected to hit Hernando County (where I live) spot-on dead center later this morning/early this afternoon.

Shit’s flying all over the place right now.  I fully expect to lose power soon and if that happens probably will not get it back for several days.  So, Allan, the blog’s all yours if that happens.

Meanwhile I will do a bit of posting until the electricity goes away...............

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 09/26/2004 at 05:34 AM   
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Death Penalty

He’s up for parole again. The man who murdered John Lennon. Beatles fans are outraged. So am I. I figure it may be time to let him leave prison. After all, he should be safe .... just as safe as John Lennon was outside the Dakota Apartments on December 8, 1980.

Mark Chapman, the man who murdered John Lennon, could be released from jail next month in a move that has sparked fears of retribution from Beatles fans.

Chapman will have a parole hearing in the week beginning 4 October, officials at the New York State Parole Division said. It will be held behind closed doors. However, one official said they had ‘no idea’ what the outcome of the hearing would be.

But if Chapman is released after 24 years in prison, some Lennon fans have already threatened to take action. News of the parole hearing has spread on the internet and dozens of websites have been filling up with messages from fans around the world, many already promising to take revenge on the man who gunned down Lennon on 8 December 1980 as he arrived at his New York apartment building off Central Park.

‘Chapman should be executed. I would gladly get rid of him myself,’ wrote a fan from Finland on one website. Another fan has already set up an online petition to have Chapman’s parole denied. It is already full of messages that show Chapman’s safety outside jail would be difficult to maintain. ‘If Mark David Chapman is let out of jail, he wouldn’t last a day. There are too many people who want him dead,’ wrote a New York-based female fan.

Trivia: How many of you were watching Monday Night Football on that night when Howard Cosell announced on air and to the entire stadium that Lennon had just been shot? Do you remember which teams were playing? I do.

Posted by The Skipper     on 09/26/2004 at 05:22 AM   
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   Saturday - September 25, 2004

Secret Encoded Message To Vilmar From Allan

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? EVERY DAMNED ONE OF THESE BASTARDS HAS BEEN AIMED AT EITHER YOU OR ME! I SUSPECT A VAST-LEFT-WING-CONSPIRACY! WTF, OVER?

Get the latest info from One Legged Old Fatman.

Posted by The Skipper     on 09/25/2004 at 11:18 AM   
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   Friday - September 24, 2004

Shorties

Guess who supports President Bush? (hark back to Gomer Pyle as you say this) Suh-Prahze!!!  Suh-Prahze!!!  Suh-Prahze!!!

The guy who’s CEO of C-B.S.’ parent company!! 

Why?

“Republican values are what U.S. companies need. ”

You gotta love a politician who advocates that repeat, career criminals who are poor would be denied free health care. I LOVE that idea!!!! 

Surely you’ve heard the brouhaha surrounding the car-giveaway stunt Oprah Winfrey pulled, right?  Audience members are now complaining they have to pay the federal taxes on the “gifts.”

I would not be surprised if half those assclowns already pay no taxes because they are not employed.

What better way to introduce them to the reality of tax burdens and complexity of tax laws? Flat tax anyone?

Want to know why medical care costs so much?  You need only thank Bill “FUCKWAD” Clinton for signing an executive order:

“mandating that all physicians, clinics, hospitals and other medical care providers who receive Medicare and Medicaid reimbursement for treating patients with limited English proficiency, or LEP, provide to those patients full interpreter and translator services in their own languages.”

Considering there are about 500 different languages spoken in the US, think of the logistics nightmare of having to contact a translator for some obscure piece of shit language before you operate or treat a patient.

Then again, why the hell hasn’t President Bush UNSIGNED that order?

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 09/24/2004 at 10:47 AM   
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Triple Threat

Teresa Heinz Kerry says the “Evil Bushies” are just waiting until right before the election to announce they have captured Osama bin Laden. It’s all a great big conspiracy to re-elect the criminal Bushitler, according to Senator Kerry’s “sugar-mommy”. The poor little dear has been hanging out with Democraps so long that she is starting to buy into their looney conspiracy theories. Of course, if the Army and the CIA actually manage to capture Osama in the near future, they will have to keep him under wraps until after the election or else the Democraps will start screaming “SEE!! SEE!! WE TOLD YOU SO!” .... I can’t take much more of their babbling bullshit. Will someone please rid me of these parasites?

In Scotland they’ve managed to train dogs to sniff out cancer. That’s right, the dogs can sniff a person’s urine and tell if that person has bladder cancer. We can go them one better .... we have a moonbatdog (Batty) who can sniff out stupidity, lunacy, idiocy and just general lazy hypocricy in people. All he has to do is stare into a person’s eyes for a few seconds .... if he detects any of the previously mentioned traits, he immediately bites a huge hunk out of the moonbat before he or she even has a chance to bark. See him up there in the right upper corner of the page? Stare into his eyes for a little while. Do you feel teeth in your ass? If not, you are welcome to stay here and split a keg with us.

Finally, I have decided today to plant explosive charges all along the several hundred mile long San Andreas Fault. After reading this story about the latest hijinks of the “girlie-men” legislators in the Land Of Californicators, I have decided the people in California are no longer needed for any further entertainment. Over the years, I have laughed myself silly at their devious attempts to prove themselves stupider than the French or the Canadians (or the French Canadians). However, when I read that story I felt the Moonbats in California have gone too far. I figure I’ll need about six million tons of C-4 to do the job right and slide those fuckers off into the soothing waters of the Pacific where they can “sleep with the fishes”. So click on the PayPal or Amazon links on the right and donate today for the “CA-C4-DEEP-SEA” Fund. All donations are tax deductible. Except in states beginning with the letters A through Z.

Posted by The Skipper     on 09/24/2004 at 09:11 AM   
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Klingons For Kerry?

The Earth committee of the Klingon Empire met in Portland, Oregon (where else would you expect to find Klingons?) and decided to endorse John Kerry.

“On the home world, if there had been a contested election between Gore and Bush, the honorable thing would be for Gore to kill Bush,” explained Khraanik (Earth name: Jason Lewis), a 38-year-old from Southeast Portland. “Or the other way around. And then ascend to the head of the High Council.”

Now we know which “foreign leaders” Kerry was referring to recently when he talked about support for his campaign overseas. We are still awaiting word from the Vulcans and Romulans on their position in the upcoming race. Live long and prosper.

Posted by The Skipper     on 09/24/2004 at 05:47 AM   
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   Thursday - September 23, 2004

What A Disappointment!!!

If you are like me, when you see a headline lie the one below, your heart races a bit, a smile comes to your lips, and endless possibilities of how this could have occured gleefully enter your mind.  Your finger races to the left-mouse clicker and you wait in breathless anticipation to read the first bit of good news of the day.

Elton John explodes in Taiwan...

Imagine my disappointment when I clicked on the link and found out the son of a bitch was still alive. 

Damn!!!

I may be wrong but when looking at this photo doesn’t this assbite look like a nasty, run-down, unkempt turd burglar?

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 09/23/2004 at 08:57 AM   
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   Tuesday - September 21, 2004

Weird Bits

Political correctness is alive and well in Florida. A recent law requires municipalities to identify and propose new names for locations deemed politically incorrect.  Soon we will lose colorful names like:  Jap Rock, Negro Island, Jewfish Creek and Cracker Swamp

Since the original intent behind the naming of these places is not known guess what government must now do?

“ We need to figure out whether or not it was done in a derogatory manner.”

Can anyone say, “re-writing history?”

This shit pisses me off and I can only hope local municipalities tell the state to go fuck off!

Speaking of determining intent, read this and think hard about what will happen to your trusts after you die. Especially if you are fortunate enough to die with a shitload of money and leave things to museums and such.

Seems a trust with a large art collection left behind at the death of a collector was mismanaged and some people (notably big art houses/museums and the like) want it moved to a more favorable location (to benefit them, of course.) The problem is the trust stipulated:

“that no part of it may be lent, sold or rearranged in any way. ”

Maybe this does not affect you because you are not leaving behind a trust but if you do, beware.  Should the Association of Art Museum Directors win this case, it will set precedent that donor agreements can be torn up at will.

Remember Marion Barry, the crackhead mayor of DC?  To give you any indication of the level of intelligence the people living in DC possess, we find that Marion has won a seat on the City’s Commission! Then again, what do you exepct from those folks?  FORONS!!  They deserve whatever shit happens to them now.

What is it about Black folks that make them do stupid things like this.  Have they no pride?

Sitting on bar stools causes pregnancies?

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 09/21/2004 at 06:06 PM   
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ANNOUNCEMENTS

Two announcements first thing today.

Number 1:

We have a winner!!!!

Yep, we have a winner in our contest to pick the date and time closest to when we’d hit 102,000 visitors.

And the winner is............

(drum roll, please.....)

DOTTIE!!!

She picked Monday, 5 PM and we totaled over at about 8:15 PM so she was within 3 hours or so of the correct time.

So, Dottie, please send me an email when you are ready to post the first of your 10 guest entries and I will explain how you go about doing so, OK?

Number 2:

If you read what happened in history today you’ll get set up for what’s going on.  Allan has left us for a few days to help his family clean up from the mess Ivan caused.

He was pretty stressed out at not having been able to contact his son since last week and yesterday was finally able to.  The family is well but the place is trashed.  I am sure all of us are relieved no one was hurt.  It makes cleaning up much easier to deal with.

To give you an idea of what it might be like in the panhandle of Florida or southern Alabama right now, think about what you would do if your home was trashed, you had no electricity, the prospects for electricity repairs are dim and may take months and hundreds of your neighbors are in the same boat meaning finding contractors to do repairs is difficult.

---Where do you live?  A hotel for months?  IS there a hotel near by to go to or is the nearest one dozens of miles away?  Do you live in a tent in your yard? How long before you are at each others’ throats in a small room or tent ?
---What about going to work?  IS there work to go to or did it get wiped out, too?
---If your job is still there how long can you stay away to clean up?
---Got kids? What about schools and meals for them?  Any busses running? For that matter are the roads passable? If the school is trashed where do you send them AND deal with all the above?

Lots of things to think about, eh?  And I’ve only begun to scratch the surface.

Anyway, Allan should be back Friday so along with me I hope you all wish him and his family well.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 09/21/2004 at 05:31 AM   
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   Monday - September 20, 2004

Odd Bits

And The Reason They Need Nuclear Reactors is.....?

I don’t know about you but when oil is bubbling up through the ground into your village and its homes and your country is sitting on MASSIVE oil reserves capable of handling all your power needs for decades to come, will you explain to me again why it is you need nuclear reactors?

Ya know, sometimes all this bleating and demanding that people engage in for individual rights, self determination, etc. really gets on my nerves.

But being the cuddly, kind hearted, compassionate son of a bitch I am, I go along and play their silly game.

What’s got my dander?  A couple living in a gated community.  They’re both blind.  They have guide dogs. The dogs shit on the streets.  They don’t pick it up.  They got summoned to court for it.  They feel they don’t have to abide by those rules requiring dog shit be policed up.

Their defense?

“the association never told the couple not to use the streets.”

Sorry, I don’t buy it.  Fine the fuck out of ‘em!  Their disability should not generate any special treatment.

How about a story of a dumbass that Darwin took care of for us.

His apartment burned.  He decided he’d rappel into the place before it was repaired.  Rope broke.  He died.

Of course, everyone says he was a great boy. Sorry, I don’t buy it.  Read the following and tell me if it’s not code for a gang-bangin’ trouble maker:

“He always knew how to put a smile on someone’s face,” said Osano Dallas’ best friend, Tony Sweet. Sweet said Dallas lived with him for a nine-month stretch last year while he had some problems at home.

Problems at home?  As for putting smiles on peoples’ faces---hmmmm, he probably sold them dope.

“If the party was dead he would make everyone get up and dance,” Jocelyn Militrano said. “He would just come up out of nowhere and talk to you if you were alone. He made everyone feel comfortable.”

A chatterbox all wound up on crank will do the same thing.  Can’t sit still.

Willie Pelsey, tenant association president, said despite a rough upbringing, Dallas was a sweet boy.  “The kid was so talented,” he said. “He loved music. He could dance. He loved to draw. He drew all over the halls in the hallway.”

Need I say any more?

Ahhh, well, one less mouth to feed.  Thank God for small favors.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 09/20/2004 at 12:53 PM   
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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:

1. Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong
2. Stay involved with government on every level and don't let those bastards get away with a thing
3. Use every legal means to defend yourself in the event of real internal trouble, and, most importantly:
4. Keep talking to each other, whether here or elsewhere

It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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