Sunday - September 26, 2004

Weather Report

Al Sleet, here .... your hippy-dippy weather man with the weekend weather news report for Florida:

Hurricane again ....

.... wait a f**king minute. That’s not news. News is “new”. This is “Olds”. Folks living in Florida are running North to escape another “sudden, surprise” hurricane. The only surprise here is why they’re surprised. Humans never learn, do they?

Let’s examine the facts ....

First, take a good hard look at the coast of the Gulf Of Mexico and the coast of Florida, South Carolina and most of North Carolina. Go ahead, find a map and examine it carefully. Notice anything peculiar? OK, numb-nuts, step back and look at the COASTLINES. See all those nicely rounded arcs and near perfect circular areas of beach? Take a look at the Texas coast. Anything creeping into your brain yet about the shape of the coast? Well, compare that coast to Norway which has NEVER seen a hurricane. Now, Norway has all those jiggly bits sticking out and in (they’re called “fyords") whereas Texas and the Florida coast is smoothly REAMED OUT into nice smooth curvy arcs. Are you starting to get a hint yet, humans? For millions of years the North African Bowling League of the Weather Gods have been playing ten-pins with this area. They stroll up to the line in Morocco and let loose their bowling balls straight across the alley of the mid-Atlantic right into the Caribbean where the pins are setup. The coast didn’t get that way because of bird migrations or global warming. NO! It took year after year of monster “bowling balls” crossing the Atlantic and reaming out the coast. This is nothing new! Surprise!

Second, the absolute flattest state in the USA is Florida. Haven’t you ever wondered why? Fact: the highest point in the state is way up north in the panhandle about 30 miles from Alabama. The rest of the freaking state hunkered down and sunk into the mud millions of years ago in order to get away from the annual Bowling Tournament Of The Gods. Hell, even Texas followed suit and started sinking down along the coast after being battered for year after year. Folks in Texas who live in Corpus Christi have to drive all day inland to find even a minor hill.

Third, take a look at the wildlife in Florida ..... go ahead, I’ll wait .......... what’s the most prevalent animal early explorers found in Florida? The ALLIGATOR! The state teems with these critters. Why? Well, I’ll tell you why .... if ever there was a large animal with LOW GROUND CLEARANCE this is it. These guys flatten themselves to the ground and creep along gobbling up other wildlife. If the winds get too tough, hell they just glide into the water, leaving only two eyeballs sticking out like goobered-up periscopes waiting for the winds to die down. If that’s not enough proof for you, what’s the tallest animal on earth? Huh? C’mon, you know .... the GIRAFFE! Now, ask yourselves this question .... how come giraffes aren’t native to Florida? Why have no giraffes ever been found living in Florida, except in zoos built by that asinine, stupid creature .... man. Now, man used to crawl around on all fours which put him pretty low to the ground and fairly safe from high winds and hurricanes but then one day he decided to start walking upright .... and it’s been all downhill since then.

So, let this be a lesson to you puny humans in Florida. Get back down on all fours and start hanging out with the alligators. After all, they’ve survived this shit for millions of years without receiving a single penny from FEMA. And besides, I have a sneeking suspicion that even the stupidest alligator can punch a ballot WITHOUT leaving a dangling chad.

This has been a public service message from the Barking Moonbat Early Warning System Weather Bureau.

-- I’m Dennis Cucinich and I approve this message.

-- I’m Dan Rather and I have no idea what the f**k is going on here but I know it’s Bush’s fault ....

Posted by The Skipper     on 09/26/2004 at 10:01 AM   
Filed Under: • Miscellaneous •  
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