Thursday - January 27, 2005

Phone Sex ?

Porn star Jenna Jameson is selling her orgasm sounds for use as cellphone ringtones. Can you imagine sitting in church on Sunday morning and your mother calls to check on you, allowing the congregation to listen to Jenna instead of “Amazing Grace”? No? I have a hard time imagining it too. Praise the lord! It’s time for the Second Coming ....

Download it here.

Play it here:

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/27/2005 at 11:32 AM   
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The Apocalypse

The end of civilization is near. How do I know? Man has finally decided to fuck up the only thing he invented that was worth a shit .... beer.

Approximately 3800 BC, a group of hip dudes in Sumeria (present-day Iraq, whose people are no longer allowed to drink beer) invented beer. The party lasted over 4000 years until Mohammed arrived and stole everyone’s coolers and beer steins. The torch was passed to the Germans who perfected the art of beer.

Now, the dopey Americans in St. Louis have decided to ruin beer forever.

The next meteorite is already targeted on the Anheuser-Busch breweries. God is displeased.

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/27/2005 at 02:50 AM   
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   Monday - January 24, 2005

My Dander Is Up!

I read this and became VERY angry. 

Here we have a prisoner, eating, sleeping, drinking and living at taxpayer expense who now wants a sex change operation.

Where the fuck does “it” get off demanding this?

If I were the prison warden I’d turn this Bozo over to some of the “Bubbas” in the prison and they’d have this shithead “changed” in no time.  A razor is all that’s required.  Maybe a needle and thread, too.  Two slashes to cut off unneeded parts and a slash to make a slit.  Boom!  Done!

Sew up the bloody bits, throw away the “dick’n’nuts” (better yet, fry them up and serve it to pansy boy--that way the prison saves money on food) and PRESTO! ChANGE-O!!  All done!

Who’s with me?

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 01/24/2005 at 03:17 PM   
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   Thursday - January 20, 2005

Weird News

Man and machine?

We should do the same thing as the Germans are doing and put German flags on piles of dog shit except our level of cleanliness makes it difficult to find dog shit piles in our cities.  Not like those nasrty, filthy Krauts.

Hey, maybe we can plant the German flag up a liberal’s ass here in the US.  There sem to be enough of them.

Will they call it a hate crime?

I wonder how you profile for this?

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 01/20/2005 at 06:41 AM   
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   Tuesday - January 18, 2005

Great Googley Moogley

Gummy Bear breast implants. Need I say more?

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/18/2005 at 02:36 PM   
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   Tuesday - January 11, 2005

Snoops

What do you think the people in the picture below are doing? Listening to FM radio? Listening to the Lakers game? Wrong. They are listening to you screaming at your kids while you’re on hold waiting for your cable TV company to solve your problem.

Here is the terrible truth from the New York Times ....

MELVILLE, N.Y. - It is the opening line on so many phone conversations these days: This call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes.

The taped message is so common that many callers might assume that no one is ever listening, let alone taking notes. But they would be wrong.

Monitoring is intended to track the performance of call center operators, but the professional snoops are inadvertently monitoring callers, too. Most callers do not realize that they may be taped even while they are on hold.

It is at these times that monitors hear husbands arguing with their wives, mothers yelling at their children, and dog owners throwing fits at disobedient pets, all when they think no one is listening. Most times, the only way a customer can avoid being recorded is to hang up.

“You could have a show on Broadway just playing the calls,” said Mike Schrider, president of J.Lodge, a call monitoring service based in Hammonton, N.J.

Call monitors eavesdrop on millions of exchanges a year, and listening to the mumblings and rants of people on hold comes with the job. Over all, about 2 percent of the hundreds of millions of calls made to call centers are monitored by a company’s own managers or, increasingly, by third-party monitoring companies, which have come on the scene in the last couple of years.

....

As more call centers move offshore, companies are starting to outsource the monitoring, too. From any corner of the globe, call monitors with just a computer and an Internet connection can oversee workers virtually anywhere. For instance, Mr. Pike on Long Island listens to service agents in India who may be talking to customers in Indiana. Monitors in Britain are likely to listen to customers in New York talking to German operators in Frankfurt.

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/11/2005 at 06:00 AM   
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   Sunday - January 02, 2005

Dictionary Update

Here are sixteen new words to add to your dictionary for 2005. Share your personal additions in the comments ....

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole. 

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/02/2005 at 04:07 AM   
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   Wednesday - December 29, 2004

Interesting (And Weird) Bits O’ News

Bored with your job? Too stressful?  Tired of traffic?  Want to move someplace quieter?

Lots of places are offering homesteads to folks willing to move. With some nice incentives.  Read the one about Ellsworth, Kansas. It reminded me of something I ran across while cycling cross county in 1997 so I dug out my diary and there it was:  in Dighton Kansas the locals were complaining that people were moving out and for every child that left with the parents the local school district lost $5000.  Now, apparently, it is $6000.  Must be inflation.

In a coma?  Can’t get out?  Wish you could?

Get your boss to deliver a message where he yells at you.

From the “People Are Truly Stupid” department, I bring you a story of morons buying water that was in a cup once held by Elvis Presley.

If you hate yourself, don’t try and blame others. Especially if you can’t understand the concept of reflections from mirrors.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 12/29/2004 at 07:37 AM   
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   Friday - December 24, 2004

Caption This !

Posted by The Skipper     on 12/24/2004 at 02:40 AM   
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   Monday - December 20, 2004

Reverse Shotgun?

Read this one. 

Those Portagees really crack me up!!!

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 12/20/2004 at 03:57 PM   
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Absurd!!!!

Surely we’ve all heard about people getting felony charges placed against them for murder or homicide or rape or stuff like that.

Now prepare yourselves for a trip to the printed media’s theater of the absurd.

A college student does what college students do--engage in pranks.

Except this student chose his victim to be one that the politically correct in our country just will not tolerate----a hamster.

He dropped it from an eighth floor window with a parachute attached.  It got stuck in a tree.

He’s being charged with a FELONY!!!  For a FUCKING HAMSTER!!!!!

I swear to God, the people that pass these laws must have brains the size of a hamster’s.

FORONS!!!

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 12/20/2004 at 07:02 AM   
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   Monday - December 13, 2004

The Cries of a Lonely Whale?

Hmmmm, maybe.

But it might be aliens, too!  Hey, who knows?  Plus, you can’t disprove just as much as I can NOT prove it is.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 12/13/2004 at 06:10 AM   
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   Saturday - December 11, 2004

Quote Of The Day

Virgins in Uganda are rallying to support virginity. One (male) African reviewer had this to say ....

“You know what it is like when you eat a young, unripe mango?” he asked. “That’s right. It is very, very bitter.”

I couldn’t have said it better if I had tried. Are all the Muslims out there listening ....? (72 unripe mangos, sheesh!)

Posted by The Skipper     on 12/11/2004 at 08:51 PM   
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Weekend Idiocy

Great new blog site.

After 150 years, Indian chief is finally cleared. Unfortunately, he was also hung 150 years ago.

Gross headline of the day: “Ex-Inmate Sues Over Death of Baby Born Over Tampa Jail Toilet”.

Automobile surfing in Phoenix?

Stupid, fat, lazy Americans are now too lazy to play fetch with their dogs. We’re doomed.

Posted by The Skipper     on 12/11/2004 at 07:41 AM   
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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:

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