Wednesday - December 08, 2004

Weird News

Man rents motel room.  Decides he needs to “slick it up” a bit.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 12/08/2004 at 08:43 AM   
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Porno Fresco?

And NO I am not talknig about fresh porn!!

Here’s the scenario:

You’re a tourist in Italy, checking out the sites.  You walk around and spot a mural.  It has a beautiful looking tree painted on it.  You grab both your pre-teen children by the hands for a little lesson on art appreciation.

As you get closer you are shocked to see the tree is full of penises (and nut sacs) hanging as ornaments!

The kids love it, squealing with delight that you are extraordinarily embarassed.  Putting a brave face on it you explain to the kids that:

the phallus tree was a fertility symbol because it stands by a fountain—the town’s main source of water in medieval times.

However, truth be known, art experts say it is:

“actually a unique piece of political propaganda, commissioned by one Tuscan faction to sully the reputation of another.  “It’s a message from the Guelphs, telling people that if the Ghibellines are allowed power they will bring with them heresy, sexual perversion, civic strife and witchcraft."”

Here’s a better one:

One of the women appears to be reaching up and placing something in the lower branches of the tree with a stick.

“There was a well-known story in Tuscan folklore about witches removing men’s’ penises and placing them in bird nests in trees, where they would then multiply and take on a life of their own”

Hell, according to most men their penises do not have to be put up in trees to have a life of their own!!

And to think, they didn’t have a National Endowment for the Arts (NEA) back in the 1200s!!  God only knows what would have been on the mural had THEY funded it!

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 12/08/2004 at 07:53 AM   
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   Monday - December 06, 2004

Food Bank Munchies

I guess someone has found a way to dispose of all that excess food given away by people at this time of year (in an effort to assuage their guilty consciences for being shit heels the previous 11 months, I guess.)

Reward the workers by putting bales of marijuana at the FRONT of the truck!  That way you have to unload it all before, like a rat, you get your reward.

After which you fire up one hell of a blunt and go backwards eating your way through what you just unloaded.

Nice gig!

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 12/06/2004 at 07:49 AM   
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   Monday - November 22, 2004

Basketball Assholes

First, this year we had Kobe Bryant involved in an “alleged” rape in Colorado. Now, we have two teams (Indiana and Detroit) crawling into the stands and duking it out with their fans. One of the suspended players, Ron Artest, has been penalized ten times already by the NBA for his temper tantrums.

Here’s a little bit of information for you from a new book entitled “Out Of Bounds” by Jeff Benedict ....

Based on a first-of-its-kind investigation into the criminal histories of 177 NBA players from the 2001–2002 season, Out of Bounds shows that an alarming four out of every ten NBA players have a police record involving a serious crime. They are All-Stars and they are journeymen, involved in crimes ranging from armed robbery to domestic violence to gun possession to rape.

Excuse me, but all the rest of us have to go through background checks before we get hired (in most cases). So what is wrong with our professional sports associations when 40% of its players have a criminal record involving violent crime?

On top of that, every week we hear of another player in one of the major sports being busted for illegal drugs. These people are being placed in front of our children as “role models”? Horse-shit! It’s the media that glorifies these criminals and their antics and our kids just eat that crap up while sitting in front of the boob tube.

And the real heros in Iraq and Afghanistan go unnoticed by that same media unless there is a chance to make them look bad as happened recently with the Marine who shot and killed an “unarmed Iraqi insurgent”. Again, HORSE-SHIT! I’m getting sick and tired of this bias and the glorification of pissant criminals who are only good at dribbling a round ball. Any doofus can dribble. Very few can stand up to enemy artillery fire and keep fighting against madmen while 5,000 miles from home.

It’s past time for the media and that large number of Americans to get their priorities straight. If I were commissioner of the NBA, those players would be permanently banned from the game. After all, what’s good enough for Pete Rose should be good enough for Ron Artest .... if it weren’t for the facts that (1) Artest is black and Rose is white and (2) baseball is much stricter on its players than the NBA.

It’s time to boycott basketball. Send the NBA a message. Let’s get the criminals off the court and into court.

Posted by The Skipper     on 11/22/2004 at 09:31 AM   
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   Tuesday - November 16, 2004

Barking Moonbat Of The Week Candidate?

They can have my rats when they pry them from my cold, dead hands ....

ELYRIA, Ohio - Jennifer Mitchell’s apartment is full of rats, and that’s exactly how she wants it.

Mitchell runs a rat rescue mission, caring for dozens of rats from people who get overwhelmed when their pet rodents have multiple babies.

Mitchell, of the Ohio town of Elyria, represents a growing trend of rat enthusiasts across the nation, including some who gathered last week in Seattle for Ratapalooza 3. The event is billed as an educational expo for domestic-rat fanciers and breeders.

(-- thanks to Steel fer the tip)

Posted by The Skipper     on 11/16/2004 at 04:51 PM   
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   Saturday - October 16, 2004

Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby!!!

Wasn’t that a song in the late 80’s, early 90’s?

I digress.  But I KNEW the title would get your attention!!!

Really, though, this one is more about those who practice “NO SEX!”

And speaking of no sex, I agree with the conclusion of this article:

“If asexuality is indeed a form of sexual orientation, perhaps it will not be long before the issue of ‘A’ pride starts attracting more attention,” New Scientist says.  Activists have already started campaigning to promote awareness and acceptance of asexuality, it reports”

So now we have heterosexuals, homosexuals (into which I group the bisexuals, transexuals, etc.), and now, asexuals.

Wonder if they get offended by sex jokes?

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 10/16/2004 at 07:39 AM   
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Cuckhold By Any Other Name…..

Come on, guys, do you believe this? Please, give me a major league break.

Man finds condoms strewn around apartment (which are not his) and discovers his lady friend having sex with another man.  Where did he find her?  How did he find her? How long did it take him to notice she would traipse out in the middle of the night?

Oh, and did I mention her doctor now says she has a sleepwalking disorder.  I’ve heard about men complaining about their wives falling asleep on them during sex but this is ridiculous!  Not to mention embarassing!

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 10/16/2004 at 06:16 AM   
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   Tuesday - October 12, 2004

Staying Abreast Of Terrorist Tactics

Airport security screeners tried to “cop a feel” from a sweet looking blonde in San Diego. Babe says “NO” and is escorted out of airport. After seeing her picture I sent my application to the TSA. It’s time for a career change. I need a job where I can fondle boobies all day. What say you?

Woman Upset With Screener’s Request To Feel Her Breasts SAN DIEGO—A woman said she drove home from Denver rather than submit to what she viewed as an intrusive search by airport security screeners. Ava Kingsford, 36, of San Diego said she was flagged down for a pat-down search at Denver International Airport last month as she prepared to board a flight home with her 3-month-old son. Kingsford objected when a female screener with the Transportation Security Administration told her, “I’m going to feel your breasts now.”

Seriously, I think some of these airport screeners are getting out of hand. This young lady doesn’t look like your average Muslim terrorist and was wearing a form-fitting tank top. Whatever happened to “probable cause”? And I’m pretty sure there’s something in the Constitution about prohibiting “unreasonable search and seize her”, isn’t there?

Posted by The Skipper     on 10/12/2004 at 01:40 AM   
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   Monday - October 04, 2004

How Embarassed Would YOU Be?

Ladies, has this ever happened to you?

The scene:  You’re at an airport. 

The event:  Security hears a buzzing, humming sound. 

The action taken: The airport gets shut down.

The conclusion:  A vibrator

The mind picture:  Airport official:  “Nevermind!!!!  It’s OK!!  It’s just this vibrator that belongs to this lady!” (pointing at you!)

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 10/04/2004 at 12:57 PM   
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Nuts!

The ”Scrotal Safety Commission”? Yes, your testicles are your friend and here are some handy tips for proper care. Mheh ..

Posted by The Skipper     on 10/04/2004 at 10:52 AM   
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Young And Dumb And Full Of ….

The mohican has been standing to attention atop Downing’s scalp for about two years now during which time it has been through many colour changes – red, white, blue, purple, bright yellow, and more recently green and hot pink. “I would get picked on every day, separated from the class, yelled at, beaten up, pushed over. All because I was different. On my first day at the school, which just happened to be my birthday, I got beaten up in gym class just because I had two piercings.”

Posted by The Skipper     on 10/04/2004 at 10:25 AM   
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   Friday - October 01, 2004

When You Think You’ve Seen It All…..

Go here.

I was flabbergasted.  I see they are having a party in Gainesville.  Hmmmm, one of our readers is from Gainesville.  I wonder if there is something we should know about him?  Like.................masquerading on our site as one person and as another on the one above?  hahahaha!!

Oh, one more thing, you can look at people’s pictures and choose whether they are “ass or trunk.” Hell, you can even upload your own.  Given that there may be thousands in there, I doubt you’d ever see it again but if you are daring, submit yours.  Please don’t try and be cute by posting anyone’s other than your own.  (DISCLAIMER:  Allan and I are armed and dangerous!!  You have been warned!)

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 10/01/2004 at 09:33 AM   
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   Tuesday - September 28, 2004

Signs Of The End Times

Mount St. Helens is getting ready to blow its top again.

The Nigerians, unable to convince me to give them my bank account number, have pushed the price of oil over $50.

Charges were dropped against a Catholic priest who raped two boys in the 1970’s because the statute of limitations has expired. God considering statute of limitations on human race.

The Boston Red Sox have secured a wild card playoff spot and the Chicago Cubs are almost there.

Conan O’Brien will take over the Tonight Show in 2009 - Letterman still in a snit.

Virgin Airlines is offering to take passengers into space for a four minute flight at a cost of £115,000 per ticket.

Bruce Springsteen is Kerry’s newest campaign advisor - says Kerry and Democrats are for “the working people” and “Bush lied” - same ol’ same ol’, eh, Boss?

Jimmy Carter is still full of shit.

Finally, what woman could possibly live without “Hello Kitty” panty liners from Kotex?

Posted by The Skipper     on 09/28/2004 at 02:36 AM   
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   Sunday - September 26, 2004

News Bytes

If you’re Hannibal Gaddafi, son of mad dog Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, you can get away with (1) leading Paris cops on a high-speed chase, (2) letting your bodyguards get into a brawl with the gendarmes and (3) seriously injuring one of the policemen .... without any penalty whatsoever. Why? Repeat after me, kids: DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY.

I’m kinda on the fence on this one. This man applies for a job, doesn’t get hired, company sends him paychecks anyway. Now the company wants the money back and the man is arrested for theft. I’d say the man should get to keep the money as a penalty for the company’s payroll department being so DAMNED STOOPID. But that’s just my opinion .... I could be wrong.

In an ongoing attempt to ward off further hurricanes, a Georgia company is now accepting the ashes of dead relatives to be poured in concrete and used to form barrier reefs. Obviously, they hope the dead will rise up in great numbers as each hurricane approaches and spook it so bad it’ll return to Africa. Indeed.

Art lovers visiting a new gallery exhibiting “nude” art are being encouraged to come in the nude in order to get closer to the art. Mheh-heh. No comment from the gallery owner, Bill Clinton.

I’m with Frank J. on this one. Monkeys are no damned good and they all need to be exterminated. Just do it!

CBS stations around the country have been receiving literally tens of thousands of e-mails and letters requesting Dan Rather be fired. Rather fired back, “those e-mails are forgeries generated by Karl Rove”. When questioned, Karl Rove had this to say, “Mwah-hah-hah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ....”. I agree.

And finally, Neal Boortz has discovered the best candidate for ”Mother Of The Year”.

Posted by The Skipper     on 09/26/2004 at 03:25 PM   
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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:

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