Monday - December 06, 2004
Daily Dose
Quote Of The Day
‘’If you wind up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest or some guy on TV telling you how to do your shit, then YOU DESERVE IT”.
-- Frank Zappa, The Real Frank Zappa Book.
On This Day In History
December 6th
In 1921, the Irish Free State, comprising four-fifths of Ireland, is declared, ending seven hundred years of British buggering of the Irish. The last time we checked, the Irish were still drunk and celebrating.
In 1865, The 13th Amendment to the Constitution, officially ending the institution of slavery, was ratified. Blacks were finally free to be all they could be. Well, almost.
In 1941, President Roosevelt, convinced on the basis of intelligence reports that the Japanese fleet is headed for Thailand, not the United States, telegrams Emperor Hirohito with the request that “for the sake of humanity,” the emperor intervene “to prevent further death and destruction in the world.” Hirohito was glad to comply and sent his fleet to Hawaii instead of Thailand for a little R&R. However, upon their arrival and seeing the high prices tourists had to pay, those wacky Japs raised a ruckus and went home the next day.
In 1917, at 9:05 a.m., in the harbor of Halifax in the Canadian province of Nova Scotia, the most devastating manmade explosion in the pre-atomic age occurs when the Mont Blanc, a French munitions ship, explodes 20 minutes after colliding with another vessel. Les Frenchies have yet to figure out how to handle high explosives, losing several cases on airplanes bound for the US last week. In the interests of mankind, it is to be hoped that eventually the Frogs will sooner or later blow their smelly asses to kingdom come.
Today’s Headlines ..
French Lose Explosives on American Airliners, The IRS Is Outsourcing Bill Collecting to Collection Agencies, Congress Will Try Again To Pass An Intelligence Reform Bill. Vilmar will have more on these and other stories at daybreak. Stay tuned.
Memo: Yes, the Daily Dose is back. Check here every day around 4:00am EDT to get your daily dose of humor and sanity.
Posted by The Skipper
on 12/06/2004 at 04:00 AM
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Permalink • Sunday - December 05, 2004
Have You Seen Me?
Batty Junior has escaped. If you see this little fellow, do not attempt to apprehend him. He is armed and dangerous. If you see him, call the BMEWS hotline immediately at 1-800-OHH-SHIT.
Posted by The Skipper
on 12/05/2004 at 11:17 PM
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Permalink • Extinction Level Event (ELE)
Armageddon: The blogosphere asteroid struck the MSM in October, 2004. YAY!
Jeff Stahler, The Columbus Dispatch, Ohio
Posted by The Skipper
on 12/05/2004 at 03:04 PM
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Permalink • Christmas Advice For The Ladies
Ladies, do you want to make your man happy this Christmas? If so, here are fourteen simple rules to follow ....
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills.
No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?”
Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.
No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.
If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant.
I’m told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #7:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea.
No one knows why.
Rule #8:
Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box.
It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #9:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores.) It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ‘68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.")
Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook - but they will barbecue.
Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”
Rule #11:
Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.”
Everyone knows why.
Rule #12:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don’t know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #13:
It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder.
Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder.
No one knows why.
Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8” manila rope.
No one knows why.
Posted by The Skipper
on 12/05/2004 at 02:52 PM
Filed Under: • Humor •
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Permalink • Weekend Pinups
This weekend we celebrate the art of Ted Withers. Edward Withers was born in Wellington, New Zealand. After studying at Wellington College, he enrolled at the Royal Academy in London and later at the South Kensington School of Art and the Slade School of Art. Eager for more training, Withers moved to Paris and the prestigious Académie Julian, During World War One, he saw service in Samoa, Egypt, France, and Germany and received three decorations.
In 1924, Withers came to America with his wife and two children. In his Hollywood years, he did a number of celebrity portraits while employed in a series of jobs, including art director at MGM Studios, supervisor in the trick and miniature department at Universal Studios, art director for Earnshaw-Young Advertising Agency, and art director for the Sterling Press Lithograph Company. He also painted fine-art works for his own enjoyment, and his award-winning landscapes were widely exhibited.
In November 1950, at his first Brown and Bigelow cocktail party, Withers was talking with Norman Rockwell when Rolf Armstrong and Gil Elvgren arrived. These two pin-up greats were introduced to Withers, who was bowled over when Armstrong praised him as “one of America’s greatest, most versatile painters” and Elvgren, who had a keen interest in photography, added “one of the best photographers in the country”.
He passed away in Los Angeles in early 1964.
“Wanna see some fireworks, big boy?”
“Spanish Duel?”
“Feel Like Tasting Some Forbidden Fruit?”
Posted by The Skipper
on 12/05/2004 at 02:32 PM
Filed Under: • Eye-Candy • Humor •
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Permalink • DISCOVERED!!!!!
The media and society in general have their collective panties in a wad over Islamic women now using themselves as suicide bombers. Oh, the inhumanity of it all!!
But recent archeological digs have uncovered what could possibly be the first Iranian female used in combat. Fortunately they had not yet discovered explosives so spears and swords were the weapons of choice.
Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler
on 12/05/2004 at 07:51 AM
Filed Under: • Terrorists •
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Permalink • Allan’s Revelation About Frank J.
Don’t bother asking me in the hopes of trying to get a “sneak peek” about what Allan will be revealing Monday. No amount of money will allow me to tell you or give you any hints.
However, what I can do is provide you a link to a story written by Glenn Reynolds. It has nothing to do with puppies becoming slushies in a blender but...........................hmmm, that gives me an idea----why not put Kofi Anan in a blender, chop him up and them use his remains as chum to attract sharks. Hell, we’ll even let the Annoying Little Twerp cast his remains into the water and she can pet those sharks if she’d like.
Here’s Glenn’s article in the Wall Street Journal. He posits that, given all that’s happening in the news about the UN (stories which the media would increase 10 fold if it had been the United States involved in these scandals) Kofi Anan may be on his way out. His third from the last paragraph basically sums up the UN.
In any case: Vaclav Havel for Secretary General!!!
Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler
on 12/05/2004 at 07:14 AM
Filed Under: • United-Nations •
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Permalink • Christmas Song
To the tune of “Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer” (this one is great with a heavy Cheech and Chong accent)
Benny the bad pendejo
Had a very shiney car
And if you ever seen it
You might even say it’s low
All of the other Cholos
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Benny
Play in any taco games
Then one smoggy Christmas Eve
Sanchez came to say
Benny with your car so low
Let’s go cruise the barrio
Then all the Cholos loved him
And they shouted out with glee
Benny the bad pendejo
You’ll go down in history!!!
Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler
on 12/05/2004 at 06:53 AM
Filed Under: • Humor •
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Permalink • Season’s Humor
PENDING LITIGATION
Tomorrow I shall file a lawsuit against the ill-clad, bell-ringing annoyance-causers known as the Salvation Army. I am sick to death of the loud clang of their tiny little bells and their smarmy (disingenuous) wishes for a happy holiday season.
Can’t these do-gooders keep their saccharine blather to themselves?
Whatever supposed good this militia of holier-than-thou charlatans might do is completely offset by the mockery they make of the Christmas season.
I cringe at the tinny sound of their bells as they stand with blank faces in front of every commercial establishment across America. Do I feel guilty because I refuse to provide this self-appointed “Army” with cash? No! All they will do is turn it over to the faux-needy (i.e. drug addicts, welfare slugs, alcoholic soap-opera watchers and other dregs who should freeze to death on an icy winter’s night).
End the solicitous pandering of the Storm Trooper Salvation Army throng now!
Next thing you know these Charity Nazis will be following us into bathroom stalls--ringing their bells wildly even while we try to tinkle!
SEASON GREETINGS
In some communities it is the custom to give a Christmas present of a few dollars to the trash collectors. It’s gone so far that some collectors tape an open envelope to trash cans: “Season’s Greetings from Your Trash Collectors.”
One family somehow neglected to respond to the “greetings.” Just a day or two before Christmas, there appeared another envelope: “Season’s Greetings from Your Trash Collectors.” And under that, written in large letters: “SECOND NOTICE.”
HOLIDAY SCHEDULES
At a family meeting to decide where to celebrate the holidays, my newest son-in-law turned to my daughter and said, “Well, we have to have Thanksgiving and Christmas with either your Mom or your sister.”
Touched that he loved his new family so much, I started to hug him as my eyes misted over.
Then he added, “They have satellite dishes!”
Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler
on 12/05/2004 at 06:51 AM
Filed Under: • Humor •
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Permalink • Saturday - December 04, 2004
SHOCKING NEWS ABOUT FRANK J. (IMAO)!!
Ohmigawd! Can it really be true? I have been contacted by a man in Lubbock, Texas who claims he knows a woman whose third cousin is a friend of Frank J.‘s garbageman in Frank’s Florida neighborhood. He claims to have shocking evidence that .... AAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! It’s impossible to believe! Frank J. could never be this evil, could he??
This man is going to fax me documents proving his allegations against Frank from a local Kinko’s in his town. I should have them tomorrow and after making sure of their validity (by having the CBS News Department double-check all sources) I will present the sad story here on Monday morning. I am shocked, shocked out of my mind I tells ya! How could Frank do this to us????
Update: I have just passed along parts of the story to Glenn Reynolds (Instapundit) and after spewing his vodka martini all over his expensive smoking jacket, he exclaimed in a hoarse voice, “INDEED”! Reynolds was so shocked that he knocked over his blender, freeing a cute little puppy who was bound for the evil overlord’s stomach.
Monday Morning At 8:00am We Will Break The Shocking News About Frank J.
You don’t want to miss this one!
Update: No, this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Frank is supporting Bill at INDCJournal against us in the voting for 2004 WeBlogs Awards. We would not stoop so low as to blackmail someone who is obviously backing the wrong horse and who really should know better. No, we are fair and balanced in our reportage. Well, mostly.
Posted by The Skipper
on 12/04/2004 at 05:56 PM
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Permalink • Barking Moonbat Of The Week Award
We’ve made note in the past of Ted Rall’s insanity and hatred of America, as displayed in his cartoon strips. It has gotten so bad now that not only has the New York Times dropped his cartoons but the Washington Post has also. Two staunchly liberal rags can’t even stand this man’s drivel. Yet he keeps on spouting hatred of everyone in America .... except himself.
This week, Ted Rall gets “The Finger” for this cartoon, which I find totally fucked-up in all the wrong ways. This asshat is number one on the “up against the wall” list when the revolution comes. Even worse are the man’s own words spewing from his diseased mind (from an interview on Minnesota Public Radio’s Weekend America program on November 20) ....
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Yes, this week’s Barking Moonbat Award goes to:
Ted “Asshat” Rall
Posted by The Skipper
on 12/04/2004 at 05:11 PM
Filed Under: • Democrats-Liberals-Moonbat Leftists •
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Permalink • I’m Back!
Back home at last! It’s been a fun week down on the Gulf Coast. I’m rested up and ready to go. The brain is reporting in as “Condition Ready-Aware” although the body is still MIA. I’ve got some great ideas for next week so get ready. In the meantime, I thought I’d share these “family pictures” of our staff here at BMEWS ....
Benevolent Dictator | Secretary Of War |
 |  |
Now you know ....
Posted by The Skipper
on 12/04/2004 at 12:20 PM
Filed Under: • Humor •
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Permalink • News of Religious Tolerance
In India some tribal members converted to Christianity. Local rebels tortured them and forced them from their homes.
When I saw that the rebels were Naxalites I said to myself, “Self, who the FUCK are Naxalites?”
So I looked it up. Go here to read about them.
OBTW, they are funded by Communists. I’ve yet to figure out how Christianity has anything to do with their cause---the waging of a violent struggle on behalf of landless labourers and tribal people against landlords and others. Last I checked, Christians worked and helped those same people.
And Americans are the ones who are intolerant, eh?
We need to go back 2000 years for this instance of religious persecution but in Mexico they’ve found a tomb where people were decapitated and animals were sacrificed. Sounds like our buddies, the terrorists, in Iraq, huh?
Oh, and the place? It’s called the “city of the Gods!” That’s rich!
But still you will find no lack of assholes in this country who will blame the white man for bringing death and destruction to the “peaceful” native population. What BULLSHIT!!! These Indian assholes were as violent as anything we have today. Humanity does not change this quickly.
Plus, if we had not invaded America would be nothing more than another “deep Amazon” society of people gathering nuts and berries with the occasional human sacrifice thrown in to appease some stupid god of theirs because the moon got dark or the sun got dark or lightning struck twice or some such nonsense.
I was surprised to read this in the article:
“It also firmly contradicts earlier theories that Mexican civilizations were relatively peaceful and theocratic during this period.”
My point is made. Case closed.
If you like short skirts or you are homosexual, you better not go to Marawi City in the Philippines.
I found this to be disturbing:
“Since Marawi City is the only Islamic city in the country and a part of the Autonomous Region in Muslim Mindanao (ARMM), we have to comply with the culture, religion and tradition of the Muslims but without going against the country’s Constitution”
One need only see the disturbances caused by Islamic groups and the agenda of CAIR in the US to understand that it won’t be long before Muslims in the US will also be demanding autonomous regions, like Indian reservations, where they can do what they want.
It may be better to prove to the world we are as intolerant as they say we are by kicking all Muslims out now, huh?
Meanwhile, in Europe little girls are still being sexually mutilated in the name of Islam.
However, Europeans are more interested in calling the US a violent and oppressive imperialist power acting unilaterally to take out a peaceful man who never harmed any of them.
In this matter, European authorities (except the French--surprise!) are:
operating according to the progressive Party Line that disallows any criticism of Third World cultures in general—and Islamic culture in particular. Police officers, social workers, teachers, doctors and nurses operate under the social obligation not to report this crime.
And the ACLU? Instead of developing an international branch to condemn these actions, would rather sue to have the Boy Scouts accept homosexuals in their ranks. I guess it wasn’t bad enough that so many homosexuals made it into the Catholic Church and molested thousands of young boys. We gotta have them go after our scouts, too?
Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler
on 12/04/2004 at 07:46 AM
Filed Under: • Religion •
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Permalink • A Candidate For Top Cop at NYC
Or any other big city in the US, really.
Sir John Stevens has my vote! We need to get the INS to grant him immediate immigrant status then appoint him an honorary citizen after which we offer him the job as TOP COP at NYC to replace Bernard Kerik.
You have to love a guy who says it ought to be legal for home owners to kill burglars!
Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler
on 12/04/2004 at 07:45 AM
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Permalink • Five Most Recent Trackbacks:
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On: 07/09/17 03:07
DISCLAIMER
THE SERVICES AND MATERIALS ON THIS WEBSITE ARE PROVIDED "AS IS" AND THE HOSTS OF THIS SITE EXPRESSLY DISCLAIMS ANY AND ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, TO THE EXTENT PERMITTED BY LAW INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF SATISFACTORY QUALITY, MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, WITH RESPECT TO THE SERVICE OR ANY MATERIALS.
Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:
It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.
- Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong
- Stay involved with government on every level and don't let those bastards get away with a thing
- Use every legal means to defend yourself in the event of real internal trouble, and, most importantly:
- Keep talking to each other, whether here or elsewhere
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Oh, and here's some kind of visitor flag counter thingy. Hey, all the cool blogs have one, so I should too. The Visitors Online thingy up at the top doesn't count anything, but it looks neat. It had better, since I paid actual money for it.
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