Wednesday - July 12, 2006

Sign Of The Times?

Posted by The Skipper     on 07/12/2006 at 03:40 PM   
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   Saturday - July 08, 2006

Yet more Saturday silliness…

1. Remember the Ultimate Geek Workstation? Here is the Ultimate Geek at his workstation.

2. We missed an important birthday. The bikini turned 60 this week.

3. Dude, could you buy tighter pants? This is for the ladies.

4. Impressive. Now can I have my beer back?

5. Speaking of beer. Look what I found at the end of the rainbow.

Posted by Christopher     on 07/08/2006 at 03:23 PM   
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Saturday Silliness, Part Deux

Posted by The Skipper     on 07/08/2006 at 01:07 PM   
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Saturday Silliness

Posted by The Skipper     on 07/08/2006 at 09:32 AM   
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   Wednesday - July 05, 2006

BMEWS Help Desk Support Options

We have installed new Help Desk Support Lines here at BMEWS to help you with any problems you may have accessing the web site. Below is a sample of the new menu system that is designed to assist you in every way possible.

Enter any 12-digit prime number to continue ...

Thank you for calling. To continue in jargon, press 1. Jos haluat jatkaa suomeksi, ole hyva ja paina 2.

Please listen closely to the following menus, as our options have changed. For technical support, press 1. For financial support, press 2. For support of the fleshy parts that jiggle during exercise, press 3. For emotional support, please hang up and call 888 HOT-LIVE.

Please note that we are currently experiencing temporary, localized service interruptions in Nome, Alaska; Phoenix, Ariz.; Tijuana, Mexico; and all of North America east of the Rocky Mountains. If you live in one of these regions, please hang up and do not call back until we tell you. We appreciate your patience while our technicians ignore the problem.

If your appliance is less than 1 year old, press 1. If you are unmarried or are not sure, press 2.

In order to serve you better, it will be helpful for us to know which order you belong to. For Primates, press 1. For Cetacea and Proboscidea, press 2. For Jesuit or Dominican, press 3. For Knights Templar or Hospitaler, Knights of Pythias or Columbus, as well as Masons, Elks, and Kiwanis, or if you are unsure, press 4. If you are a Franciscan and have a rotary phone, please stay on the line.

Please key in the model and serial number of the product you are calling about. The model number is the series of 12 letters and digits that is visible when you push the unit away from the wall, work your head into the gap using a crowbar and No. 10 machine oil, and train a beam of ultraviolet light on the lower three centimeters of the right-hand rear surface of the appliance. If the model number is obscured by dust or cockroach detritus, wipe it with a soft, lint-free cloth soaked in a solution of ordinary rubbing alcohol, Kirschwasser, and formaldehyde. The serial number is the 37-digit number inscribed by means of laser nanotechnology on the underside of the unit and is not visible to the naked eye. When you have entered both numbers, press the pound key.

Note that at any point you may return to the previous menu by hanging up, calling again, and repeating the process until you reach the point just before the point you are at right now.

Please listen carefully to the following choices and select the one that best describes the problem you are calling about: If water is condensing on inner surfaces or leaking from under the door, press 1. If you are having trouble sending or receiving e-mail, press 2. If you are experiencing sharp, shooting pains in the left shoulder or a feeling of constriction in the chest, press 3. If you have lost your faith in a Supreme Being or any intelligible order in the universe and feel a desperate need for human contact, press 4. If you smell gas, press 5. To repeat this menu, press 6. To return to the previous menu or to a state of infantile bliss, press 7.

Please note that while you were listening to the previous menu, our options changed yet again. For Option 1, press 4. For Option 7, press 3. For Option 6, press 7. For Options 2 through 4, press 0 or hang up and call our Consumer Relations Department at (427) 555-9221. Long-distance charges may apply.

Most common problems can be resolved at home by following a simple sequence of diagnostic tests and procedures. We will now guide you through such a sequence. If you wish to skip this section, press 1, 3, and 9 simultaneously while restarting your telephone. Please note: If, while answering these questions, you see smoke or flames or if your chest is warm to the touch, hang up and call 911.

OK, let’s get started.

Is the unit plugged in? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2.

Is the power switch set to “on”? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2.

Touch the condensation on the interior of the unit with your finger, then smell it. Does it smell like a dog that has been left out in the rain? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2.

Unplug your modem, power down your computer, and mix yourself a stiff drink. Drink it. Now restart your computer and plug the modem back in. Did this resolve the problem? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2.

While holding down the control and option keys, crouch on the floor, making chugging and whistling sounds. Say, “I think I can, I think I can.” Continue in this manner for five minutes. Did this resolve the problem? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2.

Do you attend a church, synagogue, mosque, tabernacle, or other house of worship regularly (that is, three times a month or more)? If yes, press 1. If no, better press 1 anyway.

While remaining on this phone, use your cellular phone to call an old friend whom you haven’t seen in years. Tell him or her that you’ve really missed him or her, and that if he or she has a problem he or she needs to talk about, you will be happy to lend a sympathetic ear. Did this resolve the problem? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2.

The diagnostic and self-help procedure is now complete. If the problem has been resolved, press 1. If the problem has been cleared up, press 2. If the problem no longer seems worth bothering with, press 3.

Thank you for calling. Goodbye. 

_{(-- Thanks to Zack F. who really should know better than to call here)}

Posted by The Skipper     on 07/05/2006 at 04:14 PM   
Filed Under: • Fun-Stuff • Satire •  
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Uh-Oh!

  - Generate your own Windoze error messsage at Atom Smasher!

Posted by The Skipper     on 07/05/2006 at 08:02 AM   
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   Sunday - June 25, 2006

Sharia Silliness

According to strict Islamic law (and this jerk in the story below), people should not be foolish or nekkid ... and they darn well better not do either at a football game. The problem with the Wahabbists (sp?) and Muslims who believe in strict Sharia law is ... they want to outlaw fun.

That’s all it comes down to. If Islam took over the world, according to these creeps, Planet Earth would be a dour, somber, depressing place to live. Which probably explains why radical Muslims are always so angry. Bummer, Mohammed!

Our rallying cry in the war that radical Islam is waging against us should be, “THEY CAN HAVE MY FUN WHEN THEY PRY IT FROM MY COLD, NEKKID BUNS!”

Now go forth and conquer! Flash your boobies! Paint your faces! Drink beer! Act foolish! Onward, nekkid warriors! Let’s show these sand monkeys how to play!

Saudi Cleric Decries World Cup
Soccer Enthusiasm
_{June 23, 2006}

(CNSNews.com) - Millions of soccer fans around the world are zeroed in on the World Cup tournament, but a Saudi cleric claims that public enthusiasm over sports turns people into fools and encourages nakedness.

“Some of the fans paint their faces with strange colors,” Sheik Muhammad Al-Munajid complained in a June 1 interview broadcast by a United Arab Emirates-based television channel, which serves Saudi Arabia and other Persian Gulf countries.

“Some of them look like demons ... The devil has turned these people into fools and made them change the way God created them, with all the things they are doing,” Al-Munajid said. The broadcast of Al-Munajid’s interview was intercepted by the Washington, D.C.-based Middle East Media Research Institute (MEMRI) and posted on the group’s website.

Al-Munajid also said the appearance of many women at the World Cup was inappropriate since they are usually not completely dressed. “The cameras at the soccer fields will zoom in on many things, including women,” said Al-Munajid, “who will not be wearing veils, of course and will be half naked in many cases.”

Al-Munajid was formerly employed by the Islamic Affairs Department, which is associated with the Royal Saudi Embassy in Washington, D.C. However, MEMRI Executive Director Steven Stalinsky told Cybercast News Service that Al-Munajid was among the Saudi diplomats who did not get their diplomatic credentials renewed by the U.S. State Department in late 2003.

Stalinksy said his organization has clips of “at least a half a dozen TV appearances over the last two years of [Al-Munajid] on TV making outrageous statements.” On Jan. 6, 2005, Al-Munajid blamed the public enthusiasm over sports for some marital breakups. “[T]he fans’ support for teams reaches blows, both within the field and outside it, in schools, and other places, and this is a reason for divorce and various social tragedies,” he said

While acknowledging that “participating in sports activities is important” for women, Al-Munajid said he did not approve of public participation for women. “Some want women to participate in the Olympics!” Al-Munajid said in the interview from 2005. “Women are not allowed to participate in the Olympics in full view because this means exposing her nakedness.”

Posted by The Skipper     on 06/25/2006 at 11:43 AM   
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   Saturday - June 24, 2006

Disgraced Goat Demoted

As I’m so fond of telling foreigners, the difference between Americans and our British friends is that America is a young, rambunctious country and we’re constantly stepping in crap trying to figure ourselves out. The Brits on the other hand are steeped in centuries of tradition, not unlike Earl Grey. Hear, hear! The following story brilliantly illustrates this concept of British “tradition” in all its glory. Rule, Britannia!

British Army Lance Corporal
Demoted For Acting The Goat
_{Jun 24 9:09 AM US/Eastern}

CYPRUS (AFP) - William (Billy) Windsor, regimental goat of the Royal Welch Fusiliers, has been demoted for refusing to keep in step at a parade for Queen Elizabeth II’s 80th birthday, officers said.

The 1st Battalion lance corporal’s lack of decorum landed him in hot water during the bash at Episkopi British military base outside the southern resort of Limassol in Cyprus.

“He was charged with disobeying a direct order… the commanding officer had no other option but to reduce his rank to fusilier,” Captain Crispin Coates told AFP. The goat was marched before the CO after being reported for “unacceptable behaviour” by his handler, also known as the goat major.

Six-year-old Billy is on his first overseas tour since joining the regiment in 2001, and according to one parade onlooker is unlucky to be in the dog house. “I thought he was immaculately turned out on the night and marched quite well, but Billy does have a reputation for being a bit frisky and temperamental,” he said.

Goats are not mascots but very much members of the regiment. They have their own serial numbers, and march at the head of the battalion. The origin of the custom is unknown but is thought to go back centuries.

Queen Victoria presented the regiment with a Kashmir goat from the royal herd in 1844, and successive monarchs have replaced them ever since. Because he acted the goat, Billy’s drop in rank means fusiliers no longer have to stand to attention when he passes by.

Posted by The Skipper     on 06/24/2006 at 11:11 AM   
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   Thursday - June 15, 2006

Le Fwench Super-Car

Five hundred horsepower? Typical Fwench arrogance. They think this is a super-car. Merde! A 1968 Plymouth Road Runner SuperBird could eat this thing alive. The special model with the 550hp 426 hemi engine. Vroom! Vroom!

Bwah-hah-hah-ha-ha-ha-ha ....

Peugeot 907 V12 To Thrill At Goodwood Festival Of Speed

COVENTRY, England - June 15, 2006 - Stunning Peugeot 907 GT supercar concept to feature in the Goodwood Festival of Speed Supercar Run. The 6.0 litre, V12 engine produces 500 bhp Carbon fibre construction. The Peugeot 907 – a V12 GT coupé concept – is making its UK debut at the prestigious Goodwood Festival of Speed over the first weekend in July. Powered by a 6.0-litre 500bhp V12 engine, the one-off carbon fibre concept is being demonstrated in the Supercar Run at approximately 1.20pm on Saturday and Sunday, 8 and 9 July.

Posted by The Skipper     on 06/15/2006 at 03:05 PM   
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   Tuesday - June 13, 2006

Caption Contest

Posted by The Skipper     on 06/13/2006 at 02:43 PM   
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   Saturday - June 10, 2006

Saturday Fun Video

What would Saturday be without another fun video to play with? This one (Macromedia Flash) spoofs the NSA eavesdropping controversy to the tune of an old Stevie Wonder song. Go ahead, click on the picture below and sing along!  - If you can stop laughing long enough ...

Posted by The Skipper     on 06/10/2006 at 11:29 AM   
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   Tuesday - June 06, 2006

Cheeky Brits & The Skippers Maid

I’ve been wondering where some of our Brit readers have disappeared to lately. Bulldog, Peiper? What have you guys been up to over there? You’re not working part-time as butlers, are you? That kind of work can be a little “drafty” dont’cha know? Key quote in the story below: “We want them to be cheeky but clean.” I say ol’ chap! Keep a stiff upper ... whatever ...

Half-Naked Butlers Are A Hit In London
_{June 6, 2006 12:07:37 PM}

LONDON, England (REUTERS) - Forget the quintessential image of the British butler as the epitome of discreet decorum “Butlers in the Buff” has proved such a business success as half-naked waiters in Britain that the firm is now off round the world to market the ultimate “male order” service.

The company, whose waiters wear only a bow tie, collar, cuffs and a bottom-revealing apron, is the brainchild of former Royal Marine Jason Didcott who turned entrepreneur after serving in the Gulf and Bosnia.

Determined to find a tasteful alternative to strippers and pole dancers, he lays down strict rules — each waiter undergoes a scrupulous police check and drink-fuelled clients are firmly told to keep their hands to themselves.

“What we are looking for is James Bond in a butler outfit. We want them to be cheeky but clean,” he told Reuters. “At the end of the party they can have their photo taken with the butler but that is as far as it goes. If they have too much wine and try to undo the apron, he says No Touching.”

The waiters readily admit to first night nerves — but they soon conquer them. Butler Dan Atkins said: “I love the job. I couldn’t think of a better way to earn money. At first you’re nervous but you soon forget your bum is on display and you get on with serving drinks and mingling.”

Didcott, and his company partners Will Jones and Stacey Lynn, has 75 part-time butlers on his books to staff hen parties, corporate functions and the fast growing market of gay wedding receptions. The butlers range from actors, dancers and students to personal trainers and even a hypnotherapist. “We are desperate to find more. We never have enough,” he said.

- Web Site: Butlers In The Buff

Personally, The Skipper has no use for a butler, either nekkid or fully clothed, eh wot? However, I have noticed a large accumulation of dust around the Captain’s cabin here lately. Perhaps I need to hire a maid, eh? Something along the lines of this hard-working lass on the right. I am now accepting applications for Skipper’s Maid. You must supply your own uniform which must be similar to what the lovely lady here is wearing. Of course, if yours has less material that’s not a problem. I’m sure we can work out the details later. Apply by e-mail today. Be sure to include in the “Subject:” line the words “Lusty Nympho Maid For Hire”. Only seriously deranged females need apply. The kinkier the better. I will be interviewing later this week.

Posted by The Skipper     on 06/06/2006 at 02:10 PM   
Filed Under: • Fun-Stuff • Odd-Strange •  
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   Saturday - June 03, 2006

Tool Time

Tim Taylor would LOVE this! So do I! This thing could come in real handy at Abu Ghraib or Gitmo. Just think of the possibilities! Arrh-arrrh-arrrh ....

Black and Decker Alligator Lopper: Ultimate “Man’s Tool”

Nothing really brings satisfaction like actual work and when it’s outside work, thats all the better. And outside yard work…well, men need power tools. (Mmmm yes tools, must have tools.)

And the more bizarre the tool, the better. (it’s a guy thing) Black and Decker has another power tool destined for greatness, a POWER pruning tool. It can eat through a four inch branch in mere seconds. Behold the Alligator Lopper. We Say: Didn’t I see this thing welded onto a henchman?

– Innovative Clamping Jaws Grab and Cut in One Easy Motion
– 4.5 Amp Motor for Powerful Fast Cutting
– Heavy Duty Cutting Bar and Chain Deliver Fast Cutting of Thick Branches and Logs
- 4″ cut capacity for cutting heavy branches too big for manual pruners and loppers
- Price: $99.97

Source: RealTechNews

Posted by The Skipper     on 06/03/2006 at 04:32 PM   
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   Sunday - May 28, 2006

Sunday Contest

It’s Sunday. Nothing to do? If not, then you are invited to participate in the BMEWS Advertising Guru Contest. Your assignment is simple. Examine the new product below, read the designer’s information and then ... come up with an advertising campaign for the new product.

Of special importance is the slogan or “sound bite” to be used in TV ads. Think up a really great slogan for this product. The winner will receive an all-expenses-paid trip to Madison Avenue (or his/her living room, whichever is closest). To make it challenging your slogan may not use the word “joystick” more than once. Mheh-heh ...

  

ON TARGET - Recessed into a urinal is a pressure-sensitive display screen. When the guest uses it, he triggers an interactive game, producing images and sound. The reduced size of the “target” improves restroom hygiene and saves on cleanings costs (like the “fly in the urinal” at Amsterdam’s Schiphol Airport). It also makes a trip to the urinal “fun and games” – more than just a necessary nuisance.

By projecting the game experience into the public space, viewers are treated to a new way of visualizing the abstract, and the entertainment value is boosted. The projection of the project into a museum space was conceived of as a critical-ironic measure, questioning the concept of art, but extending it at the same time. “On target” is an interactive installation with the functional purpose of improving hygiene.

Posted by The Skipper     on 05/28/2006 at 02:39 PM   
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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:

1. Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong
2. Stay involved with government on every level and don't let those bastards get away with a thing
3. Use every legal means to defend yourself in the event of real internal trouble, and, most importantly:
4. Keep talking to each other, whether here or elsewhere

It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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