Wednesday - July 26, 2006

Love At First Sight

Posted by The Skipper     on 07/26/2006 at 02:50 PM   
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   Tuesday - July 25, 2006

Slow day in Iraq

Must be a slow day in Iraq since my source over there is sending jokes. Thought I share them with you.

these have many many uses to be incorproated into your am/pm briefings.-MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear.  Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

Posted by Christopher     on 07/25/2006 at 10:56 AM   
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And Now For Something Completely Different

Destroy The Web Site

Have you ever run into a web site that made you just want to blow it up and wipe it off the face of the internet? I mean besides DailyKOS and Democratic Underwear? Sure you have.

At one time or another we all read something at a web site that makes us want to go nukular. It could be that news report from Iraq or that comment made by some wanker on a blog site. Sometimes you just want to throw a shoe at the monitor.

Well we have discovered a solution for you that will save your monitor from damage and let you vent your frustrations without actually causing any harm to anyone (or any animals). It’s called Destroy Websites.

Go ahead, give it a try. Type in your most hated website, select the weaponry to deploy and sit back and watch the mayhem. Knowing this crowd here, I predict Democratic Underground will be wiped off the face of the internet in no time flat. I also predict with absolute certainty that you lot will also find a certain amount of pleasure in nuking BMEWS ... just because ...

Posted by The Skipper     on 07/25/2006 at 05:30 AM   
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   Monday - July 24, 2006

Elephants Memory

Elephants Memory - A Touching Story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe’s legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.



Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

Posted by Ronald Reagan's Ghost     on 07/24/2006 at 11:47 AM   
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   Sunday - July 23, 2006

Chess Hotties, another fine service of BMEWS

(apologies to heldmyw)

First up is the June, 1956 Playmate Gloria Walker. How does a man concentrate with those hanging over the board? (NSFW)

Second is Kelly Dunstan, who I suspect is another Playboy Playmate, but I lack documentation of that. Still, I dream of a life-size checkmate, or even just a check. (NSFW)

Finally, You know you’re a chessaholic if this happens to you. (warning: cartoon nudity)

Posted by Christopher     on 07/23/2006 at 10:35 AM   
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   Saturday - July 22, 2006

Saturday Silliness

Posted by The Skipper     on 07/22/2006 at 01:53 PM   
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Women and chess don’t mix

A female chess player from Australia has sparked a brawl over her at the World Chess Olympiad.

Sexy moves sparked jealous chess brawl
By Steve Gee and Peter Gleeson

June 08, 2006

SHE is the Anna Kournikova of the chess world.
Australian chess beauty Arianne Caoili has sparked a jealous punch-up between rival international players, plunging the normally staid sport into the sort of controversy befitting the rough and tumble of football.

In a game where cool heads and emotional restraint reigns, chess hit the front pages of British newspapers after England’s world No.4 Danny Gormally fought with Armenian world No.3 Levon Aronian and his teammates as the pair vied for the affections of 19-year-old Caoili.

As details emerged of the brawl at the World Chess Olympiad in Italy, the teenager’s mother yesterday revealed Caoili was romantically involved with Aronian.

Pawn star Arianne Caoili

I might fight over that myself. Wait, I’m already taken…

Posted by Christopher     on 07/22/2006 at 06:52 AM   
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   Friday - July 21, 2006

Chess Anyone?

Skipper is gonna be busy at work this weekend and has turned the blog over to me. He forgot that I work Saturdays too, so posting will be light until I get home. Until then, just to see how many chessplayers frequent BMEWS, here is a famous position…

It’s Black to move. He appears to be up a knight, but his queen and rook are threatened.

1. What is Black’s best move? Show variations.

2. Who are the players and what tournament was this played in.

3. Brownie points if you know what happened after Black played his move.

I’ll post the answers in the morning.

UPDATE: I’ve posted the answers at Something’s Rotten. Come by for a visit.  

Posted by Christopher     on 07/21/2006 at 08:40 PM   
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   Sunday - July 16, 2006

Smile!

Years ago Allen Funt (of “Candid Camera” fame) made a hilarious movie called “What Do You Say To A Naked Lady?”. The premise of the movie was simple: introduce a naked woman into ordinary situations out in public and see how people react. It was a riot to watch.

Why is The Skipper telling you this? Well, if you can manage to click the picture below with your little “mouse thingy” you will find out. The web site is all in Russian but who’s gonna be reading the text anyway, eh? (NSFW)

Posted by The Skipper     on 07/16/2006 at 03:50 PM   
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   Saturday - July 15, 2006

Bad Taste Award Winner

Posted by The Skipper     on 07/15/2006 at 02:25 PM   
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Cubicle Wars: Robot Defense

Man, I gotta get me one of these. Too many days I sit in the office and people sneak up behind me while I’m working and scare the Bejeezus out of me. With this little robot early warning system I can get some relief as the assaults are nipped in the bud. Now all I gotta do is figure out a way to have this critter launch some heavy artillery if it detects the boss. BOOM! BOOM! There’s yer performance review, Boss! Enjoy! BWH-HAH-HAH-HA-HA ....

Room Defender (Gadget Box - £23.99 [$44.06])

Ever had an annoying little brother or sister that takes items from your room? Missing any office accessories? A boss you dont like? The list could be potentially endless…

The Room defender is the kill and the cure. Reminiscent of the sentry robot from Robocop, but without the cost or violence.

Room Defender - An automated motion sensor sentry detterent, capable of shooting up to 16 foam disks at any intruder that enters your bedroom or office. Load the disks set the direction you want the sentry to fire at, arm the room defender with 1 of 4 security settings:- Target - Ambush - Warning - Assault

It will detect any motion and blast anyone that comes into your room/office. Remote control unit supplied with this item.

Posted by The Skipper     on 07/15/2006 at 09:51 AM   
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Saturday Silliness

Posted by The Skipper     on 07/15/2006 at 08:44 AM   
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   Friday - July 14, 2006

Hell Hath no Fury …

Guy Rule #1: Never Break Up With A Dame

Never, ever break up with a female, guys. Instead you are much better off doing something downright dastardly that will make her break up with you. This may include something as benign as leaving the toilet seat up or something as evil as sleeping with her sister. Either way, you will only get peace if you let her do the dumping.

If by some mistake or error in judgement you think you can reason with her and just tell her you want to break up or that you want a divorce and expect her to act rationally, then you’re completely insane and are about to witness your dear little lady metamorphose into the harpy beeyatch from hell. Trust me.

The reason for this is that women have no internal mechanism for handling rejection and it throws their whole mental machinery out of balance. Add to that the fact that some females (but not all, by any means) have way too high an opinion of themselves and you have all the ingredients for a rain of doom down on your pointy little male heads. The big one and the little one.

Here’s what will happen: the first thing your jilted female friend will do is go find anyone who has a grudge against you and they will commence to have a pity party first which will progress eventually into a planning session for all out war. We’re talking war that makes Sherman’s March To The Sea pale by comparison. Total devastation. Scorched Earth kind of thing. Think John Wayne Bobbitt.

So take The Skipper’s advice: do whatever you have to do to make her mad enough to dump you - if you ignore this advice you will suffer a fate worse than Dante could envision in any level of The Inferno. Be bad. Be stupid. Don’t bathe for a few weeks. Do whatever it takes to allow her to think she has just gotten rid of a louse and you will endure only momentary discomfort. Taking any other path will result in decades of abuse - and most of it will be done behind the scenes in the dark ... secret whispers to ruin your reputation, your name and anything else within range of the Wrath Of The Female.

So why am I telling you this? Because I was stupid recently. About a year ago, I told one female to go away and leave this blog alone. That pot has been simmering on boil for over a year. Then about two months ago, I told another nuisance female to go away and not come back.

Like a huge dumb rock sucked into the gravity well of a black hole the two managed to get together and compare notes - in spite of the fact that the most recent broken-hearted female had earlier expressed an extreme dislike and hatred of the earlier female when she flirted with The Skipper here. They had a mutual hatred and therefore an axe to grind so a peace treaty was signed and the two started plotting.

I recently found out about a covert operation by the two to discredit me and this blog. They decided to write reviews of this blog at Amazon. You can read the tirade by following this link to Amazon’s web site reviews section. The female with the most recent heartache and hatred of yours truly wrote an epic monologue that defies description (as well as truth). The young lady is a fake and a fraud on a grand scale and has no business pretending to be a grownup.

The accusations made against me and this blog have not a smidgeon of truth in them but are full of all kind of colorful language like “mysoginistic”. WTF!?!? This young lady is living in a dream world populated by demons of unimagineable evil. Neurotic is a mild description, in my humble opinion. I’d actually prefer “psychotic” if the truth were known.

Anyway, if you want to have some fun, go read these delicious critiques from the “fairer sex” and if you want to help The Skipper and this blog then add your own review. If you know either of these females, feel free to comment as you see fit. If you want to say something bad about this blog or me, feel free to do that too. You could hardly write anything worse than has already been written. So go ahead. Let’s have some fun with this. It’s much better than getting angry and holding a grudge for a millennia.

Besides, if you write a really wild review I might just post it here ... for entertainment value, of course. Now be off with you and remember the Guy Rule #1 stated above. Ignore at your own peril, gentlemen.

Posted by The Skipper     on 07/14/2006 at 11:32 AM   
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Caption Contest

YAY! Another caption contest! Some days it just doesn’t pay to be George W. Bush ... and some days it really sucks to be George W. Bush. Yesterday may have been one of those days. Whining, crying Democrats, looney Kim Jung Mentally Ill, President Ahmawackjob of Iran, Hamas and Hizbollah behaving badly, bombs going off in India ... Dubya shoulda just stayed in bed. This little German goober only made it worse. I can’t decide which one is more frightened. Anyway, give it your best shot. What is Dubya saying ... ?

Get Me Out Of Here!
—_{(DAILY MAIL) - 23:03pm 13th July 2006}

It was supposed to be a light-hearted photo opportunity showing the gentle side of the world’s most powerful man. Unfortunately, nobody told the baby.

Despite being closely vetted by both the U.S. secret service and German intelligence agents, the startled infant voiced a noisy protest as it was handed to George Bush.

Unable to placate the wailing child - despite all his skills of diplomacy - President Bush was forced to hand it back to its waiting mother.

And the baby, whose parents are German, was not the only one unhappy with Mr Bush’s presence in the village of Trinwillershagen, in the former East Germany.

Around 5,000 protesters did their best to interrupt the outdoor meeting and meal between the president and Germany’s chancellor Angela Merkel.

Eventually shielded from the noise by 40 tons of barbed wire and 12,000 policemen, the pair sat down to dine on a roasted wild boar slaughtered earlier that day, uninterrupted by protesters. Or babies.

Posted by The Skipper     on 07/14/2006 at 10:17 AM   
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DISCLAIMER

THE SERVICES AND MATERIALS ON THIS WEBSITE ARE PROVIDED "AS IS" AND THE HOSTS OF THIS SITE EXPRESSLY DISCLAIMS ANY AND ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, TO THE EXTENT PERMITTED BY LAW INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF SATISFACTORY QUALITY, MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, WITH RESPECT TO THE SERVICE OR ANY MATERIALS.

Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:

1. Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong
2. Stay involved with government on every level and don't let those bastards get away with a thing
3. Use every legal means to defend yourself in the event of real internal trouble, and, most importantly:
4. Keep talking to each other, whether here or elsewhere

It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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