Sunday - January 08, 2006

Willy Wonka

There is absolutely nothing I can add to the press release below. Absolutely nothing. You, however, may feel free to come up with your own punch lines and/or adult humor in the comments. Of course you realize this will probably start an extremely long comment chain full of questionable verbage and extremely bad puns. Let the games begin ....

The classic Clone-A-Willy allows you to make a copy of your Johnson, and with the optional motor you can even turn it into a vibrator. The latest version is the Chocolate Clone-A-Willy which lets you make a real milk chocolate copy that is 100% edible and, apparently, quite tasty. It’ll be available in about two weeks, so start scouting early so you’ll have time to make a copy of your manhood. (Source: Gizmodo)

- http://www.cloneawilly.com/

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/08/2006 at 10:09 AM   
Filed Under: • Odd-Strange • Sex •  
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We Will, We Will ROCK YOU!

Do you have any old pictures of yourself taken back when you were young and dumb (as opposed to now when we’re all old and dumb)? If so, I urge you to gather them all together and burn every last one of them. Any one of them could prove to be quite embaressing if you’re ever elected Prime Minister of some small country on the other side of the Atlantic ...

Tony Blair, Rocker
(BOSTON GLOBE)

Do the scandals threatening to engulf the Bush administration make you long for a more innocent time? The Clinton White House, say, whose sex-drugs-and-rock ‘n’ roll atmosphere Joe Eszterhas compared, in ‘’American Rhapsody,” to the offices of Rolling Stone? (’’He certainly was a rock ‘n’ roller,” Eszterhas recalled admiringly of Clinton.)

The British seem to feel the same way about their prime minister: Writing in the London-based newspaper the Guardian last Friday, Victoria Powell, producer of a BBC Channel Four documentary titled ‘’Tony Blair Rock Star” that will air on Jan. 19, lovingly recounts Blair’s former life as an aspiring rocker.

In 1971, Blair took a year off before attending university, ‘’travelling to London with dreams of rock stardom,” writes Powell. According to a schoolmate of Blair’s, the future PM ‘’absolutely modelled himself on Mick Jagger.” Sure enough, a photo from the era shows an 18-year-old ‘’in tie-dyed T-shirt, midriff exposed, long hair, flares, and bare feet,” notes Powell.

‘’It’s a daft look, but it’s him all right.” From 1971-72, Blair promoted bands and organized gigs in London. Once at Oxford, Blair’s friend recalls, he didn’t get involved in student politics: ‘’He had the reverse attitude-nihilistic, cynical, and sarcastic. All he had was the persona and the ambition to be a rock star.”

So what happened? In 1973, Blair debuted as lead singer of the student band Ugly Rumours, with whom he played a grand total of six shows. ‘’This was a man who was clearly enjoying himself a great deal,” recalls fellow Oxford student and Tory MP Alistair Burt, who was at one or two of those shows. ‘’But we were under no illusion that this was the next great talent.”

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/08/2006 at 09:29 AM   
Filed Under: • Fun-Stuff •  
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Nostradamus Predicts

Columnist William Kaliher has released his Top 101 Predictions for 2006 and I must say that almost all of them seem highly likely to happen. The only one I have doubts about is #45. Anyway, here is a small taste of what is to come this year ....

1. Herr Doktor Howard Dean will add to his political reputation for zaniness by announcing he’s the illegitimate son of Dean Martin.

2. Osama bin Laden will enter Massachusetts’ politics as Democrat fund raiser.

3. Senator Hillary Clinton will develop a more severe case of penis envy after seeing Janet Reno naked.

4. With typical hypocrisy, liberals will stop hating Christianity long enough to attack Rush Limbaugh for not being religious enough.

5. The Exlax Company will purchase CNBC to remove Keith “One-Enema-Too-Many” Olbermann from the air when it discovers declining sales are the results of constipated viewers tuning him in to get their bowels to move.

6. As with starving children in the oil-for-food scandal, liberals will ignore film of Kofi Annan stealing change from a blind man’s tin cup.

7. Maine Senator Olympia Snow will have her breasts enhanced and then demand colleagues refer to her as Mount Olympia Snow.

8. The Texas legislature will raise a posse to search for the Dixie Chicks but be unable to fund a reward.

9. Christopher Dodd will resign his Senate seat to work as a mime in San Francisco’s Castro district.

10. Tawana Brawley will kidnap Al “Alley Cat” Sharpton and rub dog-doo all over his head.

11. The bankrupt Baltimore Sun, in denial of the fact they didn’t meet the need of lucid readers, will headline their last issue: Karl Rove Responsible for our Failure.

12. Sanctimonious Chucky Schumer, Democrat, N.Y., will continue to make Christians wearing their religion on their sleeve appear temperate.

13. Afro-American Teresa Hines Kerry will divorce Senator Kerry over his refusal to celebrate Kwanza by decorating a Palm tree with his military records.

14. Phil Donahue will portray a pregnant lesbian nun fleeing a den of Wyoming Neo-Nazis in his 2006 attempt at another television series.

15. Florida Representative Robert “Mr. I’m Swell” Wexler, will undergo psychoanalysis in an effort to recover from being shunned by even left-wing television during 2005.

16. Upstate New York will secede from downstate New York and join the union as the fifty-first state calling itself North Georgia.

17. Leading leftist scientist, Meryl Streep—the George Washington Carver of apples – will update Democrats in Congress concerning her latest research on the stem cells of embryonic apples. Some smart-ass Republican will point out that’s normally called a seed but the Democrats will still be too enthralled with Professor Streep’s presentation to catch it.

18. Feeling totally isolated, little Joe Lieberman will be adopted by two compassionate Neocon Senators.

19. Bob Barker will be constrained by mental health officials after ingesting a prodigious amount of soy beans during a vegetable orgy.

20. Elizabeth “Pork Chop” Taylor will play the blimp in a remake of Around the World in 80 Days.

21. Peter Jennings’ world importance will finally be recognized when someone realizes he’s no longer propagandizing.

22. Al Franken will find God, dance with snakes in an East Tennessee church and begin ministering to flea-infested socialists.

23. Father of the Internet, Al Gore, will remember he also designed the Edsel while failing a religion course at Yale.

24. Senate Democrat leader and all-around conman Harry Reid will articulate the Democrat party’s desire to keep first grade reader, “Mommy’s Got a Hairy Dick and Plastic Boobs,” in public schools.

25. Nancy Pelosi will be accused of sexually harassing a Senate Page when she offers to do more than wash his BVDs.

- The other 76 predictions are here ...

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/08/2006 at 09:03 AM   
Filed Under: • Democrats-Liberals-Moonbat Leftists • Satire •  
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Sunday Funnies

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/08/2006 at 08:46 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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   Saturday - January 07, 2006

Captain’s Message

Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be coming in for landing in a few minutes. Please return your seats and trays to the full upright and locked position and be sure your seat belt is securely fastened. We thank you for flying on Booger Airlines today and hope you’ll think of us the next time your travel plans include lightening up your week with a Saturday Snot Festival.

There hasn’t been a whole lot to post seriously about today so your flight crew has endeavored to entertain you with just a bunch of ridiculous crap. Now if the air marshals would be so good as to plug that stupid son of a b**ch in 23-A who is trying to set his shoe on fire we’ll be landing soon at Sanity International Airport. Have a nice day and remember: you can pick your nose and you can pick your friends ... but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.

Here’s what happened while we were airborne ....

• Tom DeLay is resigning as House Majority Leader.


• French Children are eating too many McDonald’s Happy Meals.


• Ariel Sharon will likely survive but will probably be a vegetable.


• Michael Jackson is being sued by his veterinarian for unpaid bills.


• Our British friends also have a Liberal Democrat named Kennedy with a drinking problem.


• The lone survivor of the Sago Mine disaster is in stable condition and will be returning to a local hospital in West Virginia.


• In Iraq, gas prices have skyrocketed from 5 cents per gallon all the way up to 65 cents per gallon.

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/07/2006 at 06:41 PM   
Filed Under: • News-Briefs •  
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Hot For Teacher, Part MMCDLXVII

OK, OK. How does one follow a post like the one below this one (with those two butt-ugly broads)? Simple! One goes out and digs around the internet to find the latest “Hot Teacher Having Sex With Students” story (complete with pic) and one is thereby forgiven for the gruesome photoshopping previously mentioned. At least that’s what The Skipper hopes will happen.

Anyway, here ya go. Horny blonde teacher in LA corrupts young boys and leads them down the evil path of ... sex. It will be years before the mental scars heal in those poor lads .... Aw, horse-puckey! They’re considered “made men” by their buddies at school. You know it’s true. As most females I have ever known keep telling me, guys are all a bunch of lying horn-dogs, no matter what their age is. To which I usually reply, “so what’s your freaking point?” - That usually shuts them up ... for about a millisecond ....

Former Teacher Gets Six Years
For Sex With Students
The ex-middle school instructor apologizes to her victims and their families in a Santa Ana courtroom. She must register as a sex offender.
(LA TIMES)

A former Orange middle school teacher who had sex with three students was sentenced Friday to six years in prison as her attorney painted the boys as willing participants who looked at pornography and bought condoms to prepare for the encounters. Sarah Bench-Salorio, 29, a former Santiago Charter Middle School teacher and the wife of a one-time school board candidate, pleaded guilty in September to 29 counts of lewd conduct. She received the maximum sentence and must register as a sex offender.

Wearing a gray suit, her brown hair pulled into a ponytail, Bench-Salorio apologized in Orange County Superior Court. “I understand clearly what I’ve done, and it will stay in my conscience that I’ve been an instrument of so much pain to those I truly cared for,” she said, crying as she read a statement. “For 27 years of my life I was an upstanding individual with principles. I’m a good person. I understand I made horrible mistakes…. I’m extremely sorry.”

She continued crying softly as her victims’ parents tearfully told Judge Richard F. Toohey that their formerly well-behaved boys had become angry and disruptive since the incidents. One victim’s father told the judge that his son wanted to contact the husband of former Washington teacher Mary Kay Letourneau to ask him how he coped while she was imprisoned for seven years after having sex with him when he was 12.

The boy’s stepmother told the judge that Bench-Salorio had contacted her son after her arrest through a classmate to tell him to wait for her because she expected her prison sentence would be only two years. Prior to her arrest, Bench-Salorio gave the boy a coffee-table book about Montana, using Post-It notes to mark the places she planned to take him, Venus Soltan, the attorney representing two families in their suits against the Orange Unified School District, said outside the Santa Ana courtroom.

A second victim’s parents told the judge that Bench-Salorio had offered to tutor their son during lunch and after school and baby-sit. Instead, she drove him to her house or a deserted parking lot where they would have sex in the backseat of her car, prosecutors said.

“You may have heard about how she was a great teacher, that students loved her and thought she was cool,” said the mother of the first victim. “But she definitely did not keep them safe. She was the very predator they needed protection against.” Allan H. Stokke, Bench-Salorio’s attorney, argued for a three-year sentence, saying the boys did not suffer the way victims of sexual abuse do when they have been coerced. The boys enjoyed their encounters with her, he said, even anticipating them. “It’s a mistake for her to have gone along with it,” Stokke said.

He said that Bench-Salorio suffered from depression and bipolar disorder but is now taking medication and undergoing therapy. “Her mind was emotionally messed up at the time, no question about it,” Stokke said. Deputy Dist. Atty. John F. Christl portrayed the former teacher as a manipulative adult who abused her students’ trust: “I do not subscribe to the locker-room science where a boy should feel privileged to be molested by someone twice his age.”

After the sentencing, Christl echoed the parents’ concern that she could continue to be a threat to their sons and other children after her prison term. Bench-Salorio met her first victim in May 2003. He was a 12-year-old fifth-grader at Panorama Elementary School in north Tustin, where she taught before transferring to Santiago. Prosecutors said she had sex with him over the next 16 months. Through him, she met a 13-year-old, whom she molested in the summer of 2004.

She had sex with a third boy, a 13-year-old seventh-grader in her class at Santiago. She was arrested the day after he contacted police in January 2005. During a search of her Orange home, police seized journals containing poetry, sketches and writings referring to the victims, the prosecutor said. A report released two weeks after the teacher’s arrest faulted Santiago administrators for overlooking repeated warnings about her behavior.

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/07/2006 at 01:22 PM   
Filed Under: • Sex •  
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Madam President

    

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/07/2006 at 12:15 PM   
Filed Under: • Humor • Satire •  
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Moron Of The Week

It just doesn’t get any weirder than this. Well, I guess it could but for Russia this is a prize-winner. Definitely not in the same league with what one would find in San Francisco or Greenwich Village. However, we’ll give this Russian moron an “A” for effort.

Russian Man Tattoos Putin On His Chest
2005/12/23 (PRAVDA)

Pavel Korban, a twenty-four-year-old bus-driver, said that he had a President Putin tattoo made because nobody else has it. “Every other person on the beach has a tattoo with dragons, domes and monograms, but you can hardly find anyone with a Putin tattoo,” the man said. The man agrees that the tattoo will be actual no more after Putin steps down after the 2008 election. “Putin will be history anyway. On top of all, he is a great guy,” Pavel said.

Evgeny Makarov, a tattoo artist, agreed to fulfill the unusual order. The president’s portrait was placed in front of him and he began working. “I kept looking at the portrait, comparing the tattoo with the original,”- recalls Makarov.-"I think it turned out extremely good. He appears kind but a little shy.

“When I had the tattoo done, I became more serious and responsible”- comments Pavel as he strokes the tattoo on his chest. “It is as if the President’s image had penetrated into me.”

Previously, it was prisoners’ tradition to make tattoos portraying political leaders. The leaders were shown in a satiric way. Thus the attitude of the prisoners to the communist regime was demonstrated. In the 1930s the prisoners had a belief that if they made a tattoo of Lenin or Stalin on their chest, they wouldn’t be shot. They believed nobody would dare shoot the images of the communist leaders.

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/07/2006 at 07:05 AM   
Filed Under: • Odd-Strange • Stoopid-People •  
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Weekend Silliness

What Is A Booger Made Of?

Main Entry: boog·er
Pronunciation: /BOO - grr/
Function: noun
Etymology: alteration of English dialect buggard, boggart, from 1bug + -ard Date: 1866
1 : BOGEYMAN
2 : a piece of dried nasal mucus

Boogers are mucus (myoo-kuss). Mucus is the thin, slippery material that is found inside your nose. Many people call mucus snot. Your nose makes nearly a cupful of snot every day. Snot is produced by the mucous membranes in the nose, which it moistens and protects.

When you inhale air through your nose, it contains lots of tiny particles, like dust, dirt, germs, and pollen. If these particles made it all the way to the lungs, the lungs could get damaged and it would be difficult to breathe. Snot works by trapping the particles and keeping them in the nose.

After these particles get stuck inside the nose, the mucus surrounds them along with some of the tiny hairs inside the nose called cilia. The mucus dries around the particles. When the particles and dried-out mucus clump together, you’re left with a booger!

Boogers can be squishy and slimy or tough and crumbly. In fact, boogers are a sign that your nose is working properly.

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/07/2006 at 06:51 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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SCOTUS Wars, Round Two

This Monday, the confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Judge Samuel Alito begin at noon ET. Shown below, Judge Alito is being greeted by Democratic Senators and their Liberal friends as he arrives for the hearings ...

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/07/2006 at 04:43 AM   
Filed Under: • Judges-Courts-Lawyers •  
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Tough Schlitz

The Dutch soldiers in Pakistan helping earthquake victims may not have any beer but they obviously have plenty of ... (wait for it) ... (ready?) ... WHINE.

Is It Too Late To Change To A Different Army?
Fri Jan 6, 9:45 AM ET
AMSTERDAM (Reuters)

Dutch troops helping earthquake survivors in Pakistan have complained that while they are subject to an alcohol ban, Spanish and British soldiers laugh at their austerity and turn up drunk at their campfire. “We were told before we arrived that alcohol was banned in this country or else very difficult to get hold of and we accepted this,” one soldier told the Dutch daily De Telegraaf.

“The Spanish drive around with cars full of Heineken ... and the English laugh at us when they show up at our campfire drunk,” another Dutch soldier said. A Dutch defense ministry spokesman said it was standard policy to ban alcohol in Muslim countries in line with local custom and Dutch troops were being well looked after.

“Tens of thousands of people lost their lives in the earthquake and hundreds of thousands lost everything they had,” he said. “Going without alcohol is a small sacrifice toward a very good cause.”

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/07/2006 at 04:11 AM   
Filed Under: • Military • Odd-Strange •  
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Lawyers In Love

I don’t see what the big deal is. Lawyers have been screwing all of us over for thousands of years. What we really need to do is have them all neutered so they don’t reproduce. Then again, it all depends on what your definition of “is” is, as one famous lawyer (now barred and impeached) once said.

D.C. Bar Objects to Proposed Rules on Sex with Clients
WASHINGTON (AP)

The leadership of the local Bar Association in the District insists its objection to one new rule proposed for D.C.’s 80,000 lawyers doesn’t mean it approves of lawyers who get too close to their clients. The D.C. Court of Appeals is considering revisions to ethics rules based on a model from the American Bar Association. That model considers “transactions” - another word for sex - with clients to be a conflict of interest.

But the local Bar leadership says that goes a bit to far. Instead, it wants a strong warning that sleeping with clients could create a conflict of interest. Lawyer Anthony Epstein tells the D.C. Examiner the local bar doesn’t approve the practice, it just doesn’t think a categorical ban is appropriate. But Epstein says their alternative still warns lawyers to be extremely careful about their behavior.

Other proposed rules would allow lawyers to become whistle-blowers if clients use attorneys as part of a crime or fraud and allow bigoted lawyers to be disciplined if their prejudices get in the way of justice.

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/07/2006 at 04:01 AM   
Filed Under: • Judges-Courts-Lawyers •  
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Will Blog For Food

_{Bob Gorrell— National/Syndicated}

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/07/2006 at 03:48 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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   Friday - January 06, 2006

Smitten?

I don’t know who is loopier here: Robertson for suggesting Ariel Sharon’s stroke was punishment by God or CNN for using the word “smote”. As far as I’m concerned, Pat Robertson is a “non-story”. He has been for a long time. The only reason he gets news coverage like this is because he makes a great punching bag for the Liberal Left in their efforts to prove that religious people are fruitcakes. For the record, I personally pray for Sharon’s recovery. There is no smiting involved ...

Robertson Suggests God Smote Sharon
Evangelist links Israeli leader’s stroke to ‘dividing God’s land’
(CNN)

Television evangelist Pat Robertson suggested Thursday that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s stroke was divine retribution for the Israeli withdrawal from Gaza, which Robertson opposed. “He was dividing God’s land, and I would say, ‘Woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the [European Union], the United Nations or the United States of America,’” Robertson told viewers of his long-running television show, “The 700 Club.”

“God says, ‘This land belongs to me, and you’d better leave it alone,’” he said. Robertson’s show airs on the ABC Family cable network and claims about 1 million viewers daily. Sharon, 77, clung to life in a Jerusalem hospital Thursday after surgery to treat a severe stroke, his doctors said.

The prime minister, who withdrew Israeli settlers and troops from Gaza and parts of the West Bank last summer over heated objections from his own Likud Party, was breathing with the aid of a ventilator after doctors operated to stop the bleeding in his brain. In Washington, President Bush offered praise for Sharon in a speech on Thursday. “We pray for his recovery,” Bush said. “He’s a good man, a strong man. A man who cared deeply about the security of the Israeli people, and a man who had a vision for peace. May God bless him.”

Daniel Ayalon, Israel’s ambassador to the United States, compared Robertson’s remarks to the overheated rhetoric of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.  He called the comments “outrageous” and said they were not something to expect “from any of our friends. He is a great friend of Israel and a great friend of Prime Minister Sharon himself, so I am very surprised,” Ayalon told CNN.

Robertson, 75, founded the Christian Coalition and in 1988 failed in a bid for the Republican presidential nomination. He last stirred controversy in August, when he called for the assassination of Venezuela’s president, Hugo Chavez. Robertson later apologized, but still compared Chavez to Hitler and former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein in the process. The same month, the Anti-Defamation League criticized Robertson for warning that God would “bring judgment” against Israel for its withdrawal from Gaza, which it had occupied since the 1967 Mideast war.

- More on this mighty smiting story here ...

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/06/2006 at 07:18 AM   
Filed Under: • Democrats-Liberals-Moonbat Leftists • News-Briefs • Religion •  
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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:

1. Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong
2. Stay involved with government on every level and don't let those bastards get away with a thing
3. Use every legal means to defend yourself in the event of real internal trouble, and, most importantly:
4. Keep talking to each other, whether here or elsewhere

It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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