Thursday - August 05, 2004

Treaty Of Geneva

Peace at last. We have a treaty all ready for signing. Caesar has agreed to the terms presented. All that is left is Vilmar's signature and broadcasts will resume. Operation Rolling Thunder has been called off. South Flori-duh will be spared.

Caesar has spoken.

Negotiations Update

I've just been informed by my key negotiators that progress is being made. This is good news. In consultation with Jesse and Al I've decided to make one final attempt at resolving this impasse.

Despite the bluff and bluster displayed by Caesar, I've decided to truly display the benevolent side of my title, Benvolent Dictator, by agreeing to a power sharing arrangement where Caesar can live in his fantasy land of power and fame and fortune poverty for 6 months while I revert to Senior Tribune and High Centurion after which I will then revel in fame and power and poverty for the other 6 months and Caesar will stay my Minister of Propaganda.

My negotiators will be meeting again this morning. We hope to have resolution shortly.

Loyal subjects, please continue to stand down. My missle defense shield is operational and will defend you from first strikes. Do not engage Caesar's forces unless you hear from me.The time may one day come to take action but we may forestall that date (and spare many lives) with succesful negotiations.

So I have spoken. So it shall be.

   Wednesday - August 04, 2004

Caesar: Final Offer

OK, Vilmar. This is the final offer.

You may retain the title of "Benevolent Dictator" but you must pledge obeisance to Caesar.

Caesar will retire to Capua to write his books but holds ultimate authority over the blog .... to make sure you don't betray "the cause".

I will re-instate you into the Imperial Senate with full powers but you must pledge to honor Caesar and to never, NEVER recognize same-self marriages and disclose Kerry's bullshit wherevever you may find it.

That is my final offer. If you refuse there is a BLU-82 headed your way .....

Caesar: Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire

The "Benevolent Dictator" is lying through his teeth. As usual. I've had to keep the spammers at bay and manage the blog while he stabbed me in the back.

It ain't over until it's over, fuckwad. Prepare to die or reach an accomodation.

You better talk to your negotiators, shithead.

I WILL NOT BE TRIFLED WITH!!

I am disappointed. I truly am. I expected so much more from my Minister of Propaganda.

Well, I've about reached the end of my rope and can no longer allow my good name to be besmirched by individuals who, under the ruse of taking time off to lay about on beaches and do other recreational activities, goes to Boston to claim fame and glory by infiltrating enemy territory and then returns to prop himself up as something he is not---some self proclaimed Roman god.

I am, after all, the Benevolent Dictator.

Furthermore, as was so duly pointed out by one of my loyal subjects, I was left in complete control of this site, given total editing permissions, received all passwords and other privileges to all tasks related to posting on the blog. I was left with sole responsibility to keep all moonbat leftist lurkers AND junk mail artists AND site hijackers from infiltrating the site---and did so. Plus I provided excellent material to the readers and in my spare time ran the empire.

My thanks for this sacrifice? Accused of treachery. Accused of treason. Accused of attempting to steal the blog.

And now I find my Benevolent self threatened with shock and awe, aerial bombardments, invasions of my hallowed home.

I am left no choice but to summon the legions, artilleries, infantries, air support squadrons, bombing squadron, air interceptor squadrons, and amphibious assault battalions of my friends and colleagues currently still serving in the Air Force, Army, Navy AND Marines not only in the United States but in allied countries of Portugal, Israel, Germany, France, Italy, Switzerland, Belgium, Holland, South Africa, China and Brazil, (yes, Mr. Weasel Caesar, my service years were spent not just working with AF personnel but with the American sister services PLUS I did not waste my dinner parties, cocktail parties, Ambassadorial functions and arms trade lunches during my 6 years of Embassy duty in Europe just gripping and grinning.) A good Benevolent Dictator ALWAYS thinks ahead!

You want shock and awe? As they used to say, "you ain't seen nothin' yet!" so don't FUCK WITH ME!!

Now, that said, I think we might still be able to negotiate a peaceful solution to this. As such, I ask my loyal subjects to stand down for the time being.

However, faced with possible treachery, my forces WILL be on alert and can respond within minutes of my call (my comm gear is hardened against all attacks including nuclear and, OBTW, set to initiate attack and launch sequences if I do not countermand every 5 minutes so it will behoove everyone to counsel the Pretender, Caesar, from trying anything untoward until negotiations end.)

I am confident Jesse and Al will do a good job. They are street smart. I have faith in their ability to be able to convince Jimmah and Coffee Cake to have Caesar tone down his rhetoric and see the error of his ways. They will not demean the spirit and nature of these negotiations by offering anything as puerile as habitats or suntan oil. All they offer is an honest and gentlemanly solution to this matter---and as a byproduct of all this, will defacto allow Cease to keep his life and return to the fold and the warm embrace of his Benevolent Dictator.

I encourage Caesar to stand down his forces also while these negotiations are underway. A peaceful solution to this split can only benefit all concerned and I welcome an end to hostilities.

Talks will continue through the night and into the morning. Until then there will be a posting embargo in place.

I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you, the loyal reader, but I see no other way to resolve this impasse.

Caesar Strikes

While awaiting the "Benevolent Dictator"s reply to the ongoing negotiations, Caesar has decided to revoke all privileges on the blog site to Vilmar. He will be allowed to post but that is all.

If he continues to hold out, I will embargo his barking-moonbat e-mail account next.

If his negotiators don't hurry up, I will be forced to take further drastic measures.

Caesar Is Outraged

Twice now, Vilmar has told Caesar to "BITE ME". This will not do. We are on the verge of Civil War here at BMEWS. It will be a bloody, horrible conflagration unless the two opposing forces, Caesar and the "Benevolent Dictator" can come to terms. Vilmar decided that, in my absence spying on the Loons in Boston, that he would make a power grab to take over BMEWS. His traitorous acts have only been allowed to proceed because Caesar had his hands full fighting the good fight against the evil Liberals in their own backyard while Vilmar sat here safely at BMEWS running his (big) mouth and stabbing Caesar in the back.

All hail Caesar! By Imperial Decree, this blog is being shut down until this matter of treason is settled. We must settle our internal differences before we can continue to keep a wary eye on the Moonbats of the barbarian world.

Caesar has summoned his Imperial negotiators: Kofi Annen and Jimmy Carter. The so-called "Benevolent Dictator" has summoned his negotiators: Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. At this moment the four are huddled in a spa in Switzerland trying to work out the terms.

In the meantime, Caesar has just finished cleaning his guns and is perusing the road map to South Flori-Duh, where the "Benevolent Dictator" resides in a slum on the southside of Miami. I have summoned four legions from the Alabama National Guard in the event negotiations fall through. I have eight full squadrons of F-117s warming up ready to show Vilmar what "shock and awe" is all about.

I will have satisfaction or I will have his head on a platter.

So let it be decreed to the Imperial Senate and to the entire Anti-Barking-Moonbat-Empire.

Give it up, Vilmar. Urge your negotiators to come to terms. I just heard that Carter proposed to build you a new habitat for humanity for you to live in and Kofi even threw in an offer to help you sell your embargoed suntan oil (for a small commission).

It's up to you, pissant ....

BMEWS EMPLOYMENT HOTLINE FLASH!

The Brits are employing again!!

Yesterday I posted about how the Brits are looking for Roman Centurions, chicken sexers, etc.

Well, those crazy Brits are hiring even more people now: Court Jesters!

Anyone hear from the Annoying Little Twerp recently? (he smirks, he snickers, he ducks and runs like hell!)

Late Night Leno Humor

Welcome to "The Tonight Show”…help is on the way. You know this weekend John Kerry was yelling "help is on the way”, no I’m sorry that was Mike Tyson’s trainer trying to get him off the matt.

On Friday, it was John Edwards wedding anniversary, Edwards, Kerry and their wives all stopped at a Wendy’s to eat. That’s a tradition with the Edwards to always go to Wendy’s on their anniversary because that’s where they went on their first date so they brought the Kerry’s with them. I don’t want to say that Kerry’s wife Teresa had never been to a Wendy’s before, but she ordered the pheasant.

Good news today in Boston, the balloons fell in Boston. Did you all see the problems they had with the balloons that were supposed to cascade down onto the stage after the democratic convention? Apparently they got held up. A stagehand was supposed to pull on the lever that dropped the balloons, but he didn’t do it. Finally Teresa Heinz had to get up there and yell at him "shove it…..just shove it.”

Bush – Cheney have a new campaign theme – "heart and soul”. I think that sounds better than their first choice – oil and gas.

In Malawi, Africa, a Catholic priest and a nun have been caught having sex in a car at the airport. A priest and a nun having sex in a car - this is the best news the Catholic Church has had in ten years.

A toilet manufacturer in Illinois has now come out with a line of reclining toilet seats. The seat is adjustable to 3 different lumbar positions. See, that’s when you know you’re spending too much time in the bathroom, when you’re on a lazy boy toilet!

In a stunning announcement, the Miss America pageant announced it is canceling the talent competition. You know what you call the Miss America contest without the talent? Hooters

Daily Dose

Quote of the Day

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. Rita Mae Brown

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On This Day in History

1944 Anne Frank and her family were found hiding in Amsterdam by Nazis.
1181 Supernova seen in Cassiopia
1693 Dom Perignon invents champagne
1969 Willie Stargell is 1st to hit a HR outside of Dodger Stadium
1989 Blue Jays' perfect game broken up in 9th with 2 outs by NY Yankee Roberto Kelly (GO YANKEES!!)

1892 Lizzie Borden took an axe . . .

Andrew and Abby Borden, elderly residents of Fall River, Massachusetts, are found bludgeoned to death in their home. Lying in a pool of blood on the living room couch, Andrew's face had been nearly split in two. Abby was found upstairs with her head smashed to pieces.

The Bordens, who were considerably wealthy, lived with their two unmarried daughters, Emma and Lizzie. Since Lizzie was the only other person besides the housekeeper who was present when the bodies were found, suspicion soon fell upon her. Because of the sensational nature of the murders, the trial attracted attention from around the nation.

Despite the fact that fingerprint testing was already becoming commonplace in Europe at the time, the police were wary of its reliability, and refused to test for prints on the murder weapon-a hatchet-found in the Borden's basement. The prosecution tried to prove that Lizzie had burned a dress similar to the one she was wearing on the day of the murders and had purchased a small axe the day before. But Lizzie was a sweet-looking Christian woman and the jury took only 90 minutes to decide that she could never commit such a heinous crime.

Although she was now an orphaned heiress rather than a convicted murderess, the media continued to portray Lizzie as the perpetrator. Her story is still remembered today mostly because of the infamous rhyme:

Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And gave her mother forty whacks;
When she saw what she had done,
She gave her father forty-one.

Ignoring the taunts, Lizzie lived the high life until her death in 1927. She was buried in the family plot next to her parents..

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Today's Birthdays

1901 Louis Armstrong New Orleans, Jazz musician & bandleader, "Hello Dolly" - oldest musician to have a Number 1 song
1900 Arturo Umberto Illia pres of Argentina (1963-66)
1900 Elizabeth Britain's Queen Mother
1955 Billy Bob Thornton Hot Springs, Ark. US. actor, 'Sling Blade','A Family Thing'
1962 Roger Clemens Dayton Ohio, Boston Red Sox pitcher (Cy Young, MVP)

Thanks to The Quotations Page       Famous Birthdays      Snopes

   Tuesday - August 03, 2004

A New Feature at BMEWS

You should all be bemused at the amusing new service we offer loyal BMEWS readers: Job Placement.

Today we start with Barb, the Anonoying Little Twerp, who fashions herself an Imperial Centurion.

First: Move to England
Second: Go on the dole
Third: Apply here.

God Sends A Message

Joe Biden, from Delaware, the ranking dummycrap senator on the Foreign Relations Committee, found out yesterday his house had been struck by lightning.

Joe's really been an asshole the past 4 years and I think God was tired of it.

Think Joe will listen?

It’s Tuesday.  Is Work Stressing You?

Fret no more. Here are 25 ways to cope with stress

l. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa, and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "Have a nice day," tell them you have other plans.
5. Drive to work in reverse.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.

Daily Dose

Quote of the Day

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. Alfred Hitchcock

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. Rita Rudner

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On This Day in History

1678 Robert LaSalle builds 1st ship in America, Griffon
1914 Yankee catcher Nunamaker throws out 3 would be stealers in 1 inning GO YANKEES!
1958 The nuclear-powered submarmine Nautilus became the first vessel to cross the North Pole underwater.
1977 Radio Shack issues a press release introducing the TRS-80 computer 25 existed, within weeks thousands were ordered
1981 U.S. air traffic controllers went on strike.

1958 NAUTILUS TRAVELS UNDER NORTH POLE

On August 3, 1958, the U.S. nuclear submarine Nautilus accomplishes the first undersea voyage to the geographic North Pole. The world's first nuclear submarine, the Nautilus dived at Point Barrow, Alaska, and traveled nearly 1,000 miles under the Arctic ice cap to reach the top of the world. It then steamed on to Iceland, pioneering a new and shorter route from the Pacific to the Atlantic and Europe.
The USS Nautilus was constructed under the direction of U.S. Navy Captain Hyman G. Rickover, a brilliant Russian-born engineer who joined the U.S. atomic program in 1946. In 1947, he was put in charge of the navy's nuclear-propulsion program and began work on an atomic submarine. Regarded as a fanatic by his detractors, Rickover succeeded in developing and delivering the world's first nuclear submarine years ahead of schedule. In 1952, the Nautilus' keel was laid by President Harry S. Truman, and on January 21, 1954, first lady Mamie Eisenhower broke a bottle of champagne across its bow as it was launched into the Thames River at Groton, Connecticut. Commissioned on September 30, 1954, it first ran under nuclear power on the morning of January 17, 1955.

Much larger than the diesel-electric submarines that preceded it, the Nautilus stretched 319 feet and displaced 3,180 tons. It could remain submerged for almost unlimited periods because its atomic engine needed no air and only a very small quantity of nuclear fuel. The uranium-powered nuclear reactor produced steam that drove propulsion turbines, allowing the Nautilus to travel underwater at speeds in excess of 20 knots.

The submarine traveled at a depth of about 500 feet, and the ice cap above varied in thickness from 10 to 50 feet, with the midnight sun of the Arctic shining in varying degrees through the blue ice. At 11:15 p.m. EDT on August 3, 1958, Commander Anderson announced to his crew: "For the world, our country, and the Navy--the North Pole." The Nautilus passed under the geographic North Pole without pausing. The submarine next surfaced in the Greenland Sea between Spitzbergen and Greenland on August 5. Two days later, it ended its historic journey at Iceland. For the command during the historic journey, President Dwight D. Eisenhower decorated Anderson with the Legion of Merit.

After a career spanning 25 years and almost 500,000 miles steamed, the Nautilus was decommissioned on March 3, 1980. Designated a National Historic Landmark in 1982, the world's first nuclear submarine went on exhibit in 1986 as the Historic Ship Nautilus at the Submarine Force Museum in Groton, Connecticut.

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Today's Birthdays

1900 Ernie Pyle, correspondant during WW II
1900 John T Scopes, Tennessee teacher convicted for teaching evolution
1924 Leon Uris US, novelist (Exodus, QB VII)
1926 Tony Bennett,Queens NY, singer (Left a body part in SF)
1941 Martha Stewart, cookbook author/actress (Those Two) (Now a prisoner!)


Thanks to        The Quotations Page       Famous Birthdays      Snopes

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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:

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It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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Oh, and here's some kind of visitor flag counter thingy. Hey, all the cool blogs have one, so I should too. The Visitors Online thingy up at the top doesn't count anything, but it looks neat. It had better, since I paid actual money for it.

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