Tuesday - December 14, 2004

Who Should Run The New Intelligence Agency?

If the attacks of September 11 taught us anything, it’s that we can no longer rely on Cold War methods to fight a 21st century war. We must bring all our military and civilian intelligence agencies under one roof in order to meet the challenges we face in today’s world. So isn’t about time we cut the crap and appoint the beloved 9/11 Widows to direct a new national intelligence agency?

There shouldn’t be any doubts concerning their qualifications, as having loved ones who died in the World Trade Center automatically makes them experts in counterterrorism. All the widows have been photographed extensively holding copies of the 9/11 Commission Report, so I’m sure they’re more than qualified to make major policy decisions concerning national security. They’ll also bring accountability to the new department, demanding teary-eyed apologies and group hugs from anyone who doesn’t toe the line. To insure better communication between all the intelligence entities, the widows will establish a new counterterrorism center on the set of Good Morning America, where they will appear regularly clutching 8x10 photos of their dead husbands. Most importantly, the nation’s borders will be secured with the hiring of 10,000 new immigration agents, each partnered with a life-sized cardboard cutout of a 9/11 widow’s’ dead husband.

“I think Jimmy would approve,” said Mary White of Grand Rapids, Michigan, who lost her first husband, Jim Douglas, in the World Trade Center. “He’d also approve of my new book, Life Without Jimmy; A Portrait of Grief, available at amazon.com or you local bookstore.”

I expect that we’re just hours away from an official announcement, but it’s strictly a formality. Kristen Breitwieser (whose husband died in the World Trade Center) dropped Katie Couric a hint as to the outcome this morning while modelling a sweater made from wallet-size photos of her dead husband sewn together with locks of her dead husband’s hair.

“I did it all for Sean,” she said, a small photo of her dead husband stapled to her forehead. “Thanks to his pointless death, my pointless life has been transformed into a spectacle of schmaltz disguised as a political crusade.”

So after weeks of bickering over insignificant minutiae, it appears that Congress is at last on the verge of approving a sweeping overhaul of the
nation’s intelligence agencies that will allow the dead husbands of the beleaguered 9/11 widows to finally be at peace.

(This satire was brought to you by BlameBush courtesy of BobF.)

What’s amazing is how true some of it actually is (and would be were these assholes appointed to the Agency.)

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 12/14/2004 at 06:52 AM   
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