Saturday - November 20, 2004

Weekend Laffs

From the Late Shows, here are some chuckles:

From Leno

-- Hey, how many watched that new reality show last night – “I’m a Cabinet member ... get me out of here!”

-- I tell ya, it’s really getting crazy. Today one of the Bush daughters resigned.

-- Colin Powell said today no one should be surprised he’s leaving. He said that throughout his first term he had always told President Bush that he thought he would only serve one term. And Bush said, “Hey, me too.”

-- I guess you all heard about this. The Secret Service has doubled guards around the White House. Not to keep people out – to keep any more of Bush’s Cabinet members from escaping.

-- Do you believe this? I haven’t seen this many secretaries fleeing the Oval Office since Clinton was in there.

-- Contradicting earlier reports, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge said reports that he’s stepping down are “news to him.” News to him? Why are Homeland Security guys always the last to know?

-- Kind of ironic ... the only Cabinet member whose heart is still in it: Dick Cheney.

-- I guess you heard, today President Bush played the “Rice” card.

-- Today President Bush chose Condoleezza Rice to replace Colin Powell as secretary of state. I think President Bush is a little confused. He said he’s looking forward to seeing a lot more of her and Stedman.

-- As I’m sure you know, Secretary of State Colin Powell has resigned. He says he will stay on to help with the transition. So basically, he’s now just a semi-Colin.

-- I watched “Extreme Makeover” today. But enough about the White House.

-- Bush had a Cabinet meeting this morning. It was just him and Cheney.

-- Kind of a scare this weekend. Vice President Dick Cheney went to the hospital after experiencing shortness of breath. I guess he panicked when he saw the price of oil going down.

-- As you may have heard, Old Dirty Bastard has died. But enough about Yasser Arafat.

-- Did you see Arafat’s funeral? What a mob scene. I heard they had people flying in from as far as Guantanamo Bay to go to that thing.

-- Two White House turkeys were given a presidential pardon today ... and afterward Scott Peterson said, “Gobble, gobble, gobble!”

-- Today President Bush pardoned the White House turkey. You know what happens to the turkeys that are pardoned every year? They are released to a farm to live out the rest of their lives. At least that’s what they tell President Bush.

-- NASA set a world speed record with an unmanned jet that traveled 7,000 miles an hour, ten times the speed of sound. They think this technology will one day be used for commercial flight. Imagine flying ten times the speed of sound. Of course, that means now all your relatives and in-laws are just a few minutes away.

-- Discount retailer Kmart has announced plans to join forces with Sears. Their goal: to create the crappiest department store ever!

-- The total value of the deal: $125.

-- Kmart buying Sears. So, soon Martha Stewart products will be sold in two stores she wouldn’t be caught dead in.

-- Here’s the latest update on the Palestinian Authority – no one seems to know who’s really in charge, they can’t decide on a strategy, half the factions want to move to the center, the other half want to stay as extremists ... I’m sorry, that’s the Democratic Party. I’m sorry. I’m all confused.

-- Only in America - Hardee’s is now introducing their new Monster Thickburger, which is two third-of-a-pound beef patties, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese and mayonnaise on a buttered sesame seed bun. It has 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat. It actually comes in a little cardboard box shaped like a coffin.

-- The latest thing in the fashion industry is “big-butt mannequins.” Have you seen these? Department stores in New York have mannequins with extra-large rear ends. That’s embarrassing, isn’t it? When even the mannequins at Macy’s have to shop at Lane Bryant

-- This Thursday Bill Clinton will dedicate his new presidential library in Little Rock, Arkansas. They say the Clinton Library will attract more than 300,000 visitors a year. One of the most popular attractions ... you’ll be able to ride the mechanical intern.

From Letterman

-- How about “Playboy”? In their next issue they’re having a naked pictorial of McDonald’s employees. How many times have you had a Big Mac and said gee this is good but I’d rather see the employees naked?!

-- Here’s an important announcement. President Bush says there will be no nuclear waste being buried in Nevada. We now need a new site and it will be in a blue state.

-- President Bush went to pardon a turkey today for Thanksgiving, but the turkey resigned first.

-- President Bush won the election but now everyone is resigning. Today the Bush twins left and were replaced by the Hilton sisters.

-- Last night we had an audience that blows! It was an ugly, tough crowd. About 10 minutes into the show they handed in their resignations.

-- Down in Washington, D.C., today a man tried to climb the fence to the White House. Luckily, the man was knocked over by fleeing Bush Cabinet members.

-- A lot of people leaving the Bush administration. Are you like me? It’s hard to picture the Bush Cabinet without Spencer Abraham.

-- Colin Powell resigned. His replacement is Condoleezza Rice. It’s her job to continue to make sure the world hates us.

-- President Bush gave high praise to Condoleezza. He said she’s one of our greatest Condoleezzas!

-- On Thursday down in Arkansas the Clinton Presidential Library opens. The library will have tours. There’s a replica of the Oval Office to tour, and then you can visit the Hall of Alibis.

-- The Clinton Library is state of the art. They have a nice gift shop. You can buy a tT-shirt. You can buy a coffee mug. You can also buy condoms with the presidential seal on them.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/20/2004 at 07:03 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
• Comments (0) • Trackbacks(0)  Permalink •  

DISCLAIMER

THE SERVICES AND MATERIALS ON THIS WEBSITE ARE PROVIDED "AS IS" AND THE HOSTS OF THIS SITE EXPRESSLY DISCLAIMS ANY AND ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, TO THE EXTENT PERMITTED BY LAW INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF SATISFACTORY QUALITY, MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, WITH RESPECT TO THE SERVICE OR ANY MATERIALS.

Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:

1. Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong
2. Stay involved with government on every level and don't let those bastards get away with a thing
3. Use every legal means to defend yourself in the event of real internal trouble, and, most importantly:
4. Keep talking to each other, whether here or elsewhere

It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

THE INFORMATION AND OTHER CONTENTS OF THIS WEBSITE ARE DESIGNED TO COMPLY WITH THE LAWS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. THIS WEBSITE SHALL BE GOVERNED BY AND CONSTRUED IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE LAWS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND ALL PARTIES IRREVOCABLY SUBMIT TO THE JURISDICTION OF THE AMERICAN COURTS. IF ANYTHING ON THIS WEBSITE IS CONSTRUED AS BEING CONTRARY TO THE LAWS APPLICABLE IN ANY OTHER COUNTRY, THEN THIS WEBSITE IS NOT INTENDED TO BE ACCESSED BY PERSONS FROM THAT COUNTRY AND ANY PERSONS WHO ARE SUBJECT TO SUCH LAWS SHALL NOT BE ENTITLED TO USE OUR SERVICES UNLESS THEY CAN SATISFY US THAT SUCH USE WOULD BE LAWFUL.

Copyright © 2004-2015 Domain Owner