Sunday - February 04, 2007

The Stupor Bowl

Well, the Big Day is here. It all begins at 12:00pm ET on CBS with “Road To The Super Bowl”, followed at 1:00 by “Phil Simms All Iron Team” and “Super Bowl Today” at 2:00 (which will involve four hours of dissecting everything and delving into every bit of Super Bowl minutiae possible). Finally, at 6:00pm (if you aren’t comatose by then) the pre-game show begins and sometime in the next half hour they will actually kickoff and start playing the bloody damn game.

Around 8:30 the two teams will break apart and go for a gatorade break while The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Who Is Now Known As Prince Again takes the stage and, God willing, will manage to avoid a wardrobe malfunction. At the same time 300 million toilets across the country will flush, causing a massive tidal wave to hit both oceans and awaken Godzilla for the final showdown with Mothra.

Sometime around 10:00pm, most of America will be in a coma from ten hours of football hype and 60 minutes of actual game. Because the entire country will be in a stupor and unable to comprehend what is going on in the outside world, we will awaken on Monday morning to find that Luxembourg has invaded and taken over the country.

As for the game ... the Colts are 7-point favorites but I predict the margin of victory will be much worse for Bears fans. Final score: 34-10, Colts over Bears. I will be unconscious by the time the game ends. Wake me when the commanding General of the Luxembourg Army (all 38 of them) accepts our surrender ...

_{John Cole - The Scranton (PA) Times}

The Big Game

-- by Will Durst

The two-minute warning has sounded and you can almost smell relief approaching like a cheese pretzel from drunken Raider fans two sections away. They always string it out, but this year our “get it over with already” meter is pinning deep in the red as the NFL season mercifully comes to an end on Sunday.

The Indianapolis Colts will take the field as seven-point favorites against the Chicago Bears, in what is being called the I-65 Showdown, named for the 160 miles of freeway that separates the two cities and not the average IQ of anybody who still gives a rat’s ass after two long weeks of empty hype. Do we really need to analyze the coaches’ horoscopes down to the moon signs? Throw in six-and-a-half hours of pre game coverage yet to come, and we’re talking PR OD.

Super Bowl XLI, fancy roman numeral language for 41, is being held in Miami, the same city planning to host a “Hooray, Fidel Castro has Assumed Room Temperature Party,” as soon as the khaki-clad Cuban shuffles off his mortal coil, which could be any day now. I, like CBS, pray the bearded one will have the good grace to hang on until Monday, sparing South Floridians from having to decide which supreme sporting event to celebrate. Personally, I’m rooting for Fidel to dodge the reaper’s summons and to continue to afflict US presidents with his mere presence for another II or III decades.

The Colts are fronted by Peyton Manning, VII-time Pro Bowler, who finally shot the “can’t make it to the big game” monkey off his back with the same rifle arm he used to knock down the New England Patriots way back II weeks ago when people still cared. The Bears are led by the lieutenant of lackluster, quarterback Rex Grossman, an ineffectual leader who has lucked out being associated with a finely tuned defensive machine. An athlete the White House can relate to.

But whatever you do, don’t you dare go calling it the Super Bowl. Only the NFL and carefully chosen advertisers (anybody silly enough to pony up $II.VI million for XXX seconds of airtime) get to call it that. You and I and other mere mortals trying to sell TVs or corn chips or attract customers to a bar to watch the game have to use euphemisms like “the Big Game” or “the You-Know-What-Bowl” or “the deal with those guys at that place with the thing” or risk having our butts sued off by lawyers with really expensive tassels on their loafers and MMM kilowatt smiles that scare sharks.

So, yeah, I’ll watch, mostly for the commercials, and will probably fix up a bowl of guacamole and some quesadillas, because to me, Mexican food shouts “Super Bowl.” And since neither the Packers nor the IXers are involved, I’ll root for the Colts, as their fair city has never won… anything… ever, except the record for auto accidents over Memorial Day weekend. Also because even though they’re the favorites, they’re still the underdogs, if you know what I mean.

But the best part about Sunday is right after Jim Nance and Prince put away their makeup and some VIIth of a ton, no-neck, piece of premium beef walks off the field raising a finger to the sky talking about Disneyland, only X days remain before pitchers and catchers report. And baseball season starts. And all will be right with the world.

---

_{Comic, writer, actor, former radio talk show host and XXI-foot step van driver, Will Durst, already has reservations for spring training. Catch Durst in stand-up mode as part of the University of California, East Bay benefit on Saturday, February IIIrd in Hayward, California. Copyright ©2007 Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. See http://www.willdurst.com for additional information on Will’s performance schedule and listen to his twice-weekly commentaries @audible.com/willdurst. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com.}

Posted by The Skipper     on 02/04/2007 at 06:32 AM   
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