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Sarah Palin is allowed first dibs on Alaskan wolfpack kills.

calendar   Saturday - March 01, 2008

Sign of the times

Who Da Baby Daddy?

Sheez. I’m trying to keep this blog light and interesting, but sometimes the “light” part is a real challenge. Get a load of this one:

At-Home Paternity Tests Coming to a Pharmacy Near You

Who needs Maury Povich when paternity tests are now available at Rite Aid, Meijer and other pharmacies for just $29.99?

The Identigene DNA Paternity Test Collection Kit was first rolled out in Washington State, Oregon and California in November last year, according to Rite Aid spokeswoman Ashley Flower. The company continues to evaluate whether it should expand the kits to other states, she said.

According to the Identigene’s Web site, the tests compare genetic information obtained from cheek swabs collected from both the child and the father. The swabs are then sent to the company’s laboratory along with a $119 lab fee. The results are mailed within five business days.

While the tests are believed to be accurate (the company’s Web site says they’re 99 percent accurate), there are some reasons why women and couples may want to consult a professional laboratory for paternity tests
...
some people, especially married couples, may find the results of paternity tests traumatic.

Gosh, no, really?

Fogg said 60 percent of Identigene’s clients are females. Some users are looking to confirm their own paternity. Almost 30 percent of purchasers buy the test for someone other than themselves, according to the company’s own surveys.

The tests are sold in 1,000 pharmacies nationwide, Fogg said. He said all pharmacies have reported sales and the company is pleased with the interest. The tests are also marketed online and through resellers.

I’m trying so hard not to be an old fart about this. I’m trying really hard to be even handed and not be sexist. But this looks like the Sexual Revolution of the 60s has gone so far that the only thing left is the crows feasting on the eyes of the dead left behind on the battlefield.

Sure, on the one hand it’s really cool that genetic science has progressed to the point that a DNA collection kit can be sold over the counter and a simple test can be quickly and accurately run. The next step would be an “instant” test that would do the job right then and there, without mailing the Qtips in to a lab. Give it a couple years, it’ll happen.

But on the other hand, what does it say about us that such a product exists and is selling so well? Is it the prime example of what Hawthorne would cynically call a “red letter day”? I mean, come on, it was bad enough when Maury and Jerry and all the other sleazebag talk show hosts would drag a bunch of losers out of the hood or the trailer park and subject them to this - oh, plus a makeover - for our beyond-jaded entertainment. But these kits are selling well nationwide. We can no longer sit back in the righteous comfort of our own homes and look down our noses on the human trash on TV. This is everywhere. This is everyone, or it could be. Morality and fidelity are a thing of the past, if they ever really existed at all. “I see it, I want it, I deserve it, I got it”. Actions without consequences, not even thinking about the future until it is far too late.

In a crueller world, picking one of these kits off the store shelf would set off flashing lights and a SLUT ALERT siren. But what’s the point of that anymore, when you’ve got hundreds of thousands of women running to the tattoo parlor to get “tramp stamps” emblazoned on their lower backs, to show off in public, and to give their nameless anonymous mounters (not lovers; there’s no love involved) something to look at while they get it from behind?

We’ve got birth control available in a patch these days. You don’t put the thing on discretely. Hell no, you wear it where it can be seen! You advertise that you’re a free spirited easy lay open to random sexual adventure! It’s cool!! And then one morning you find yourself peeing on a plastic stick and looking for the pink line. And then you decide to be “moral” and have the baby. But still, no worries, you’ve can pick up a little kit in the drug store that will show you who impregnated you. That is, if you can even remember who you’ve been having sex with. If you even knew their names in the first place. And it’s definitely “names”. Plural. You don’t need this kit if you have been fucked by only one guy within the time of your last menstrual cycle. And if you’re going through the boys that fast it isn’t “making love” either. Not by a long shot. My God, the audacity of society, having the nerve to think you would be “true” to just one penis for an entire month. OMFG!!!1! Good thing these kits are available in stores everywhere, right off the shelf. Ooh, I wonder if there’s a coupon in today’s paper? Are they having a Buy One, Get One sale?

We have failed. Utterly. We have raised generations of our daughters without the smallest amount of self respect. No wonder you can’t watch TV for an hour without seeing ads for anti-depression drugs.

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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 03/01/2008 at 08:22 AM   
Filed Under: • EditorialsInsanitySex •  
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Oh, and here's some kind of visitor flag counter thingy. Hey, all the cool blogs have one, so I should too. The Visitors Online thingy up at the top doesn't count anything, but it looks neat. It had better, since I paid actual money for it.
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