Sarah Palin is the other whom Yoda spoke about.
Sunday - August 22, 2004
Raiders Of The Lost Service Pack
Indiana Allan here. I've been notified by the Museum, the University and US Army Intelligence that my services are required for a special secret mission. It seems that Der Fuehrer, Adolf Gates has sent a bloated Zeppelin to America to destroy our intelligence gathering services. The Zeppelin is named the "Servitz Pak Zwei" or "Service Pack Two", in English. This Zeppelin intends to attack our Windoze XP calculating machines by jamming signals and bombing us with bugs. Scary stuff, eh? Well, I have never been one to fail when my country needs me so I have volunteered to investigate this Zeppelin.So, I grabbed my trusty hat, leather jacket, .45 pistol and whip, packed my suitcase and began the investigation. Suddenly I heard a blood-curdling scream. I jumped up and started scanning my surroundings for Nazi spies or traitorous monkeys. None to be seen. Then I realized it was just the neighbor next door watching his Macintosh crash again for the millionth time. Some people never learn.
Sitting down to my task again, I examined the Zeppelin from a distance. "My God, this thing is huge", I thought. Over 270 MB in size. I'm surprised there's enough helium in the world to lift that beast off the ground, but there it was floating around in Fuehrer Gate's private hangar waiting to be sent out to inflict damage on America. I girded my loins and prepared to grab it by the horns.
I lunged, grabbed a mooring rope and hauled it in. Darting back undercover before the Redmond Nazis recognized me, I made a dash for home. Picture a wild plain ride chased by Nazi agents, a submarine ride on a periscope, a walk through spinning razor blades, and a watery tunnel full of rats. I had to do none of that. Thank God.
Back home in the safety of the University I chewed my fingers and gradually worked myself up to applying the Zeppeliln's secret code to my own calculating machine. I started the sequence and sat back to watch with a severe sense of dread overcoming me. I counted the minutes as the non-informative screen told me things like "creating restore point", "inspecting drivers", and most ominously "checking registration number". Aha! That last told me the Zeppelin was trying to call home to Der Fuehrer. I reached out to disconnect the string which ran up through the rafters connecting me to the University's UNIVAC machine but before I could pull the plug, the Zeppelin quieted down. I realized it had completed its nefarious task and was requesting that I power off and back on my calculating machine. It did this in an evil voice, kinda like a certain female Nazi agent I once knew. Ahhhh, those were the days.
I quietly sneaked my hand down to my trusty pistol, grabbed the handle, cocked it and with the other hand, pulled the string to cycle the calculating machine. I promised I would give this Nazi abomination only one chance then blow it to hell if it misbehaved.
The machine slowly re-cycled and I was surprised to see something new which I will call "The Blue Screen Of Purgatory". I've seen "The Blue Screen Of Death" a few times and this was not it. This screen appeared to have hijacked my calculating machine on restart with a nonsense message saying only "please wait ....".
I thought to myself, "Quoth the Raven, Nevermore." Beads of sweat popped out on my forehead .. my finger tightened on the trigger of my pistol ....
Finally, the Zeppelin gave me my normal starting screen but what's this ...??????? A weird message box screaming at me in blinding colors that my calculating machine is "unprotected" and that although I have ZoneAlarm Pro for firewall and Norton Antivirus 2004 .... the Zeppelin COULD NOT talk to them. It knew they were there, inside the machine, but couldn't communicate. Horrors! Then it wanted to know if I wanted to turn on a feature that would automatically phone home to Der Fuehrer on random occasions (probably late at night while I slept, I imagine). I slapped the "NO" key as hard as I could (I have a special keyboard - don't ask).
Anyway, the Zeppelin finally surrendered my calculating machine back to me. The only difference I noticed was one of my favorite Windoze third-party features called StyleXP would no longer start, saying it didn't recognize the Zeppelin. I quickly put in a connection request through the Univerity's UNIVAC to TGTSoft and found they already had a fix for the Zeppelin problem. Whew! Thank God for good old American know-how. I quickly applied the fix and all was well. For now.
Standing up, drenched in sweat and shaking from my ordeal, I opened the window to my front lawn and to my surprise saw .... a tornado spelling out "MICROSOFT" in smashed mobile homes down the road, a 2,000-car collision on the nearby interstate, John Kerry walking up to my door with a smile on his face and a vial of anthrax in his hands and a horrid looking beast with Fuehrer Gate's face and the numbers "666" on its forehead crawling its way down the road in the direction of Bethlehem.
I knew right then I needed a drink and a nap. So, stay tuned as I investigate further this incidious Zeppelin in the next episode ....
Posted by The Skipper
on 08/22/2004 at 04:36 PM
Filed Under: • Miscellaneous •
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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:
It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.
- Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong
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Oh, and here's some kind of visitor flag counter thingy. Hey, all the cool blogs have one, so I should too. The Visitors Online thingy up at the top doesn't count anything, but it looks neat. It had better, since I paid actual money for it.
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