Monday - August 31, 2009

Moving Hell: An unmoving experience

This is the news story you didn’t wake up to today. It didn’t happen, but it could have. Easily. With just a phone call. But it can’t happen now. Phew.

Police were called to the scene Saturday in Alphadale NJ to quell a minor domestic disturbance that turned out to have enormous repercussions. Arrested for Illegal Trespass were Andrew [name redacted], his wife [name redacted], mother and brother [names redacted]. They were caught red-handed attempting to illegally occupy an empty condominium. Illegal Trespass is a 4th degree felony in New Jersey, not a misdemeanor.

A search of the premises turned up a large arsenal of firearms and a massive horde of ammunition. That’s when the county Sheriff’s Department, the State Police, and the FBI were called in.

“This is a disaster narrowly avoided”, says NJ State Attorney General Ima Bigshot, “these vagrants were armed and dangerous. Barricaded behind dozens of boxes full of stuff and piles of furniture, they could have held off the police for days. God knows how many officers would have fallen in the line of duty if things had gone bad.”

Approached for comment, New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine said “This is yet another example of why we need stricter gun control in our state. Time and again I’ve told you how the NRA is a front for these crazy right wing militias, and this looks like yet another. This guy had enough guns and ammunition to shoot up not just one grade school, but dozens, maybe hundreds. Nobody needs that many weapons, and nobody needs that much ammunition. So today I’m introducing legislation for a new bill that will extend the recent One Gun A Month law. This one will be called One Gun Per Person, and that’s exactly what it will be about. One firearm is all anyone needs, and no more than 50 rounds of ammunition. Anything more than that is a danger to society and a unbearable threat to public safety.”

In addition to the felony trespass charge, Mr. [redacted] was charged with 18 counts of weapons possession, 18 counts of firearms possession while in commission of a felony, 4 counts of unregistered handgun possession while in commission of a felony, and 3872 counts of possession of hollow point bullets while in commission of a felony. His wife and family were all charged as accessories on each of these charges, and all remain in county jail under $2,000,000 bail each. Hearings are scheduled for Wednesday.

A warrant served on the suspect’s previous address, where they were also squatting – living without a lease – turned up an ammunition factory capable of churning out nearly 1000 live rounds per hour, thousands of bullets, primers, and bullet cases, and over 40 pounds of gun powder. Many weapons parts were also found, some of which may have been used to convert some of the weapons to illegal fully automatic assault rifles. ATF has called in experts to study this frightening and deadly cache; more charges may be filed at a later date.

A further search of the suspect’s computer showed that he ran a radical right wing anti-government blog, visited by upwards of 1000 like minded individuals a day. Evidence of dozens of anti-government articles written by the suspect were found, along with many comments calling for direct and possibly violent action against the White House and members of various state and local government agencies. Quick work by the FBI showed his membership in many kinds of online firearms forums, including those that specialize in sharing the secrets of custom made high powered ammunition using cop killer bullets.

Approached for comment, one former neighbor who asked to remain unnamed said “He was always such a quiet guy. He spent most of his time indoors at his computer when he wasn’t working, and he was always there for us if we needed anything. Who would have thought all this was going on right under our noses? I’m just shocked. I really don’t know what else to say.”

A joint taskforce has been formed between the ATF and the FBI to track down and investigate every member of this radical blog and all the members of these violent forums.

“This is just the tip of the iceberg.”, stated ATF special agent in charge Lyon Asshat, “This opens a whole can of worms. We hope to be able to track down and bring charges against this whole enormous distributed organization. This could be the case we needed to crack these groups, this underground Al Qaeda in America like bunch.” Agent Asshat is intending to run for Attorney General next year.

“When all is said and done, this suspect is looking at 20 years in jail and fines in the hundreds of thousands of dollars. Ordinarily this whole situation could have been written off as a misunderstanding with no charges filed. Under lesser circumstances the firearms charges would have been plea bargained down to loss of possession and 18 months in jail, with time off for good behavior. But in this case we’re not going to give an inch. This kind of criminal behavior can not be allowed to go unpunished or watered down. We are bringing the full force and weight of the government to bear, and will steadfastly push for the maximum fines and sentences. To do anything less would be to put law abiding Americans at risk.”

So, how was your weekend? This could have been mine.


Let’s press the Rewind button for a bit, back things up and get the whole story out.

First of all, I do not own a single firearm that was not legally purchased through a legitimate firearms dealer. I do not own any handguns that are not registered with one state or another. I am fully compliant with all local, state, and federal laws regarding my firearms and my reloading equipment, even though a couple of those laws conflict with other state laws. Yes, I have some gun parts in a box somewhere. Old springs and bolts and firing pins. None of which can be used to make machine guns, but why let the facts get in the way? This is New Jersey, where the innocent are presumed guilty, and are even more guilty if they have a firearm, proper paperwork be damned. The laws say that specifically! This kind of crap happens all the time, and it’s Grade A Political Hay for the vultures in Trenton to feed on. Two guns and a couple boxes of ammo is “a deadly cache of firearms”. Anything more than that is “a lethal, frightening arsenal”. And if you have more ammo than 4 strong men can carry ... it’s Game Over in the press. And you will be lucky if you aren’t the National Story of the Day.



Let’s press that Rewind button a little bit more, and get the full back story.

My wife works for an eye doctor. He runs a good size practice, with two offices. He’s making money by the cartload. So you think that would mean he’s pretty smart, with lots of common sense, a shrewd mind, and a strong moral and ethical sense. And you would be so wrong your head would spin.

Doctor Stupid (names changed to protect the stupid) is a “dawg”. A “playa”. His current wife, #2, was once one of his patients. Then she was an employee. Then he was getting a divorce, and now she’s wife #2, living in the big fancy house with the children they have, and all the fine life that goes with it. But I guess that got boring. A few years ago he started up a “thang” with another patient, 20 years his junior. And then she was an employee. And then a special employee who could do no wrong, was beyond reproach, who could come and go whenever she wanted. Uh. Huh. And they carried on right in front of the rest of the staff, month after month. And my wife and the others had to work extra hard, since Miss Thang didn’t really do much other than bat her eyes and giggle and rub her fake tits on him. Oh, but he was so in love. He was saving her from her terrible life. He was Mr. White Knight, rescuing this poor damsel in distress. My lady readers will understand the situation instantly. She was a total drama queen who used what she had to get what she wanted and lorded it over all the other women in the office. Several of whom found it so offensive that they quit. And the affair went on and on. He bought her things, charged to the business, all the time. Brought her lunch every day. Not a week went by when Miss Thang didn’t have some BS emergency that required her to leave early, take a day off, etc. And everybody else got stuck with the work. But oh, this was the real thing finally. He’d found The One to spend the rest of his life with. Her daughter needs a job? Ok, hire her as a junior receptionist, but go easy on her and give her whatever days off she wants at a moment’s notice. And it only got worse. The dramas never ceased. They only got worse. “Oh no, Miss Thang had a big fight with her abusive fiancee! He kicked her out of the house, accusing her of cheating on him! [well yeah, duh, it’s true!] Everybody has to help move her out this weekend. We’re saving her life. I know it’s been hard on all of you, but we have to do this for her. She needs us! Even her family has abandoned her, they can’t stand her success, they can’t stand that she’s making something of herself. Well I’m just so proud of what she’s accomplished. We’ll be her family now.”

And a week later, when Miss Thang went right back to the other guy, that was Ok too. “Oh, she can’t bear to be estranged from her family. They’re all she has.” Truly, not only is love blind, but amazingly stupid as well. Because another month or so later, another “fight” with the “terrible boyfriend” and she was moving out again. Into an upscale apartment for her and her teenage daughter. Which everyone was lead to believe that Dr. Stupid had rented for her. Prepaid. For a full year. And then he furnished. With brand new stuff, all of good quality. A 50” flat screen TV. Couches, chairs, a nice dining room set. Pots and pans. Food. Linens. Cases of “their” wine. Several thousand dollars worth of new clothes. Even a few dozen plants, garden hoses, sprinklers, kiki torches, and a full set of patio furniture for outside, along with a pretty darned nice full sized gas grill. Yup, Dr. Stupid set her up, his kept woman, in the lap of luxury. Or if not the actual lap, then at least the knees. Call it a heck of a big step up from the trailer park. Call it about $15,000 or more worth of clothes and stuff. And a $1500 per month condo. Rent free. So he had his perfect woman in a perfect place, and she was safe, and fully rescued and life saved, and everything was just ultra-wonderful. For a bit over a month. And then, rumor has it, to brighten up her day, one Friday at work he told her he was getting a divorce, so they could be married.

And she ran. On the spot. Gone. Quit her job and took her daughter too. Buh bye!

And her and the “mean and abusive” “ex” ran out that night and got a moving van, and cleaned out the entire apartment. They took every stitch of clothing, every last piece of furniture, even the gas grill. And they were gone. Poof. “Don’t you, or anybody who works here, ever contact me again or I’ll see you in court!!”

And she got away with it. Because, let’s face it, she’s got him by the short and curlies. But good. Sexual harassment lawsuit much? Oh, poor single woman, trying to raise her child, forced into a sexual relationship against her will just to make ends meet. You know that storyline. And underneath it all, unspoken, would be the race card. Because Dr. Stupid likes them white. There isn’t a jury in the country that wouldn’t buy her story, even though it’s a total lie. Because “man eating cougar” isn’t yet a crime. She flirted and fucked herself into a Sugar Daddy, a no work job, a whole houseful of furniture, and a luxury apartment where she lived rent free. And that was all fine and dandy by her, until he wanted to make it official. And then the game was up, and the long con was over. So much for Women’s Lib and Equal Rights. She used the power of the pussy to shut down his big brain so he could only think with his little one. Damn near destroyed his practice. Lost him half of his experienced employees. Nearly lost him the other half. Lost him lots of patients too. And he did it all eagerly, making himself her willing slave, eager as a new puppy to cater to her every last whim.



So Miss Thang was gone by this previous Tuesday. And it seemed that Dr. Stupid was stuck with this nice big condo. The office rumor was that he had signed the lease, and prepaid the rent for an entire year. And he knew my wife and I were looking for a new place to live, looking to buy one of these condos. And that our lease was up soon, and everyone knows that closing on a home takes time, months sometimes, so come move in here. You can stay as long as you want, and just pay me the same rent you’re paying now.

And it seemed like a great deal to us. With Miss Thang out of the picture, maybe Dr. Stupid had come to his senses. And since we were supposed to make the rent check out to the name of the eye care practice, it was easy to assume that he had taken the lease in the company’s name. Corporate housing. That kind of thing happens all the time. “Read the lease honey” I told my wife “make sure that a sublet or short term tenancy is allowed.” The next day she tells me that Dr. Stupid told her that there wasn’t anything in the lease that specifically denied subletting. And so we decided to take the offer and move.

I spent 8 days packing up this place and taking boxes over there. At the height of the 3 weeks that is what we’re getting for summer this summer. I had my family come down with a truck twice, to help. We were more than halfway moved in Saturday afternoon. And as we’re coming back with the third truckload of stuff of the day, I go to unlock the door and see a realtor’s lockbox on the doorknob. The kind that holds a key when a house is on the market. What the hell? “Honey, you’d better call Dr. Stupid right the heck now, and find out what’s going on!!”

I had hardly uttered those words when this guy comes up the sidewalk, looking all pissed off. “Who are you?” he demanded, “What are you doing here?” So I introduced myself, and said we were the new tenants in this condo.

“Oh yeah? Says who?”

Well, we’re renting it from the eye care practice, corporate housing, it’s a sublet from Dr. Stupid. And by the way, who are you?

“I’m D. Owner. I own this condominium. And Dr. Stupid doesn’t have a lease here. And no right to sublet. I should have you arrested for illegal trespass.”

Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit.

So we did some instant diplomatic sweet talking. Told him how we were lead to believe this and that, how Dr. Stupid held the lease, how he’d prepaid the rent for an entire year, how we work for the business that has this place as corporate housing, we’re only here short term, looking to buy a place in the area ... etc. He whips out his phone and calls Dr. Stupid and reads him the riot act. We had to turn over the keys to him immediately. And all our stuff is now locked inside this place, and we have no way to get to it. And there’s a closet full of guns and ammo in the back bedroom. I’d made a special trip over the night before, after dark, delivering all of them. In the dark. Because you don’t move a gun collection in plain sight these days if you’re smart, whether it’s legal or not.

And we’d just told our old landlord that we were leaving. Sorry for the short notice, but we came across a deal that was too good to pass up. So we won’t be wanting a new lease (the old one expires tomorrow) but we may need to stay an extra week to get everything moved out and cleaned up. Oh shit oh shit oh shit, now we’re going to be homeless. Our current landlord had sent me a pro-rated price list for extra time: stay one extra week, this much money. Two weeks, this much. One month, full rent. So my wife raced a check down to the post office in the pouring rain. And we’re locked out of the new place. Meanwhile, D. Owner, who is a lawyer (it figures, right?) is on the phone to his lawyer. He calls us back in a little while, and says he understands how we’re the ones caught in the middle of this mess and it’s no fault of his or ours. He’s apologizing, we’re apologizing, everybody’s trying to make nice-nice. He says we can come back and start taking our stuff, as long as he’s there to unlock the door. But we can’t have the key, lock up when you’re done and call me, and if you can’t get it all done tonight then call me tomorrow and you can have Sunday.

And that’s exactly what we did. We raced back over there, met him, made even more effusive apologies, and blamed the whole thing on Dr. Stupid. And I guess that worked.

After D. Owner drove away ... in near panic mode I filled up a car and part of a pickup truck with my firearms and ammo, and got the hell out of Dodge ASAP. First thing. I think we moved another load or two that evening, but I’m so damn exhausted I can’t remember.

Sunday we did it again. All day long. We called up D. Owner and got him to come over and open the place, and sweet talked him some more. And he told us the real story: that the lease was in Miss Thang’s name, that his background and credit check on her had come up rather shaky, and the only reason he signed the lease was because Dr. Stupid signed on as her financial backer. He supplied 6 months rent and the security. He was not even a co-signer, just the financial guarantor. Son of a bitch. And we’re still not sure if it was a one year lease or a six month lease, and since Miss Thang had lived there 6 weeks, there may have been only 4 1/2 months left. So his “stay there as long as you need” rings rather hollow. Come the end of the year we would have been in for a really nasty surprise perhaps. “But you guys seem really decent,” D.Owner tells us, “and I’m very relieved you’re cooperating and trying to do the right thing. But I’ve got this place listed through the local realtor, so if you want to rent it you can go through them. But you’ll still have to move all your stuff out anyway. Sorry, but it’s business, and that’s how it has to be.

We must have made 8 or 10 trips, carload and truckload. Didn’t even stop for lunch. My wife got hold of sensitive, life saving Dr. Stupid, and demanded he get his worthless no count ass the fuck up there and help us move. And he did, finally, for a few hours, which was nice. But while he was helping us, she got his version of the story from him. He was just trying to help D. Owner out of the jamb of not having a tenant! Why, when Miss Thang stripped the place and skedaddled, he’d called him, and asked him not to do anything until they talked, . But D. Owner never called him back, so he just went ahead and did what seemed right!

We had to be polite and understanding to him, because my wife still works for the man. And jobs is hard to come by. But I wanted to sock him a good one, so badly. What a jerk. Dr. Stupid still has no idea how badly he has been played. How much he’s been used. He still feels sorry for her. Why, all this is because the poor little Thang can’t handle stress, and when she has to make a decision she doesn’t know what to do so she just runs away! Jerk? No, he’s a turbo jerk. Zero to Moron in 2.6 seconds.

And now we are all moved back in. Back in the old place. Buried under a sea of boxes. All the furniture is in the garage. I think there’s one chair in the house to sit in right now. And while I am sore all over, and pretty well exhausted, no charges are going to filed against us. And they could have been. Heck, if it was my condo I might have called the police first thing. He certainly could have called them second thing, when D. Owner went poking through all our stuff after he’d first thrown us out, and moved the boxes I had blocking the closet and found what was inside. A lot of people would have. Guns = Crazy People + PANIC!!!! + Call 911. That’s how it is. At which point I could have been in a huge ugly world of life destroying hurt. Because what I wrote in the above fake “news report” is exactly how the world works these days. Especially New Jersey. It does not matter that every single charge would turn out to be specious. Heck, I’d even beat the trespass charge, since I had the keys and the electricity had been started there in my name. But it would take years to settle, cost tens of thousands of dollars I don’t have, and the best that I could hope for would be to lose an entire lifetime’s gun collection and to have my name utterly blackened in the press. Heck, copping a plea to 18 months in jail would almost be my best option. Don’t you doubt that for a second.

And it really could have been worse. We are not in any legal entanglements. We are not out any great amount of money, except for the cash I spent buying a big bunch of cardboard boxes and some tape. And we have this place again, at least for now. My wife has to talk to our landlord tonight and she’d better work it out.

Watch what happens ... in 4 months we wind up buying the place we’re in right now. The same place where we’ve been living for a decade. And no moving at all will be required. But if Miss Thang comes back into Dr. Stupid’s life and gets her job back, and All Is Forgiven? Then my wife will quit on the spot. And so will everyone else. And I’m pretty sure they’ve all told him that too. I hope he listens.

Son of a bitch.

Posted by Drew458     on 08/31/2009 at 11:30 AM   
Filed Under: • Daily Life •  
• Comments (10) • Trackbacks(0)  Permalink •  

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It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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