Monday - October 18, 2004

Monday Morning Funnies

Leno
- Some people are now saying the questions at the end of the debate actually helped John Kerry because they made him look more human - well, that and taking the bolt out of his neck.

- Although Bush said he wasn’t getting a flu shot, Kerry got a flu shot yesterday. And out of force of habit, the doctor gave him the shot between those two wrinkles in his forehead.

- I guess you’ve heard there is now a flu vaccine shortage. We only have half the amount necessary. How does this happen? How come we never run out of crack? There are people selling crack on every corner. Maybe we need to open some flu houses downtown.

- Both Bush and Kerry were campaigning in Las Vegas yesterday ... you know, it’d be great if the candidates who went to Vegas stayed in Vegas.

- While in Las Vegas yesterday, John Kerry met with the AARP. They were having their convention. Kerry gave a speech, and then Kerry introduced his retirement plan ... his wife, Teresa.

- And a 46-year-old doctor in Guernsey, England, has had to quit his job because he couldn’t stop having sex with his female patients. And here’s the scary part — he’s a veterinarian.

- The FDA has announced that they are adding warnings to all anti-depressants. It comes with what they call a “black box warning.” The warning label reads “Dear Red Sox fans ...”

- And the Reverend Al Sharpton is now hosting a new reality show on Spike TV called “I hate my job.” Is that the best title for a show with Al Sharpton? Shouldn’t it be “What is my job?” “Have I ever had a job?” “I’m not sure what my job is!”

- Eminem and Michael Jackson are feuding. Here’s a couple of tough guys you want to see fight it out. Eminem has his video out that makes fun of Michael and shows him in bed with little boys. And Michael is furious and says he’s going to sue. And out of force of habit, Michael filed for it at juvenile court.

Letterman
- Welcome to the show. Another big weekend here in New York. Last weekend was the big cat show at Madison Square Garden. There was one awkward moment at the cat show when the finalists were heckled by a group of New York City rats.

- The winner of the cat show was disqualified after it turned out the cat was a squirrel with a queer makeover.

- The big debate is over. How many saw the debate? The debates are all over and they were so dull that CBS has ordered 13 more episodes.

- The election is winding down. About the only thing left is the last-minute tinkering with the voting machines in Florida, and we’re ready to go.

- Half the Viagra sold on the Internet is fake. Thank God! I thought it was just me.

Conan
- It’s being reported that Martha Stewart is doing well and making lots of friends in prison. Today she even got together with some new friends and played “stomp the snitch.”

- Bill Clinton is on a phone message urging people to vote for Democrats this election. You can tell it’s Clinton in the message because it begins with “What are you wearing?”

- Some big TV news. Fox News Channel commentator Bill O’Reilly is being sued by a female co-worker for sexual harassment. Yeah, apparently the last straw was when O’Reilly changed the name of his show from “O’Reilly Factor” to the “Oh Baby Factor.”

- There are only 19 days until the election. That means in 19 days the most annoying commercials on TV will once again be those “Gellin’ Like Magellan” commercials.

Posted by The Skipper     on 10/18/2004 at 05:25 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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