Monday - October 25, 2004

Le Convercasion Telefon

Scene: phone ringing in Chappaqqua, NY

Maid: Clinton residence, may I ask who is calling?

Caller: This is Soon-To-Be-President Kerry, you miserable menial. Get Bill on the phone!

Maid: I am sorry, Senator but President Clinton is indisposed.

Kerry: I don’t care if he is on-dis-toilet. Get him on the phone. NOW!

Maid: Very well, please hold.

(theme song from “Jeopardy” starts playing over phone)

Maid (walking upstairs , mumbling to herself): “Soon-To-Be-President”, my ass!

Clinton: And a fine ass it is, Juanita. Come on over here and scrub Little Willy for me.

Maid: Not a chance, Mr. President. The last time that happened Miz Hillary threatened to cut it off, remember?

Clinton: Yikes. Yep, I remember. I think she said something about a rusty butter knife too. Oh, well. Who was that on the phone?

Maid: It is that Senator Butt-Face again. He insists on talking to you.

Clinton: Groan! Just what I need, another whining, begging session from Teresa’s boy-toy!

(Clinton rises out of tub and walks over to phone)

Maid (blushing): Mr. President! Have you been “soaping the soldier” again? Giggle ...

Clinton: Shhhhhhhh .. Hillary may hear you.

Clinton (into phone): John, how are you old buddy?

Kerry: Bill, I need your help. Please, please help me!

Clinton: John, what’s the matter?

Kerry: That insane little Texas pissant peasant is still leading me in the polls. I need you to come campaign for me. NOW!

Clinton: But John, you know I just had quadruple-bypass and still have a zipper-chest (there’s a joke in there somewhere).

Kerry: Bill, I don’t care! I’m desperate. We’re losing ground in spite of your advice to stick to Vietnam, remain aloof, project my French heritage and allow Teresa to talk to the press. Why am I falling behind in the polls?

Clinton: John, I really don’t know. Can you play the saxophone?

Kerry: No.

Clinton: Well, how about the skin flute?

Kerry: What’s that?

Clinton: Ask your wife, buddy.

Kerry: Bill, please help me! I am about to go down in flames here. Not since that night in Cambodia, which is SEARED, SEARED, I tell you into my mind, have I experienced such fear. Why would anybody want to vote for that little rat from Texas? Why, his net worth is less than that of my chaffeur! Quelle que chose!

Clinton: Oui! Oui! - as we say back in Arkansas .. at least that’s what our pigs say. Hehe ....

Kerry: Stop it! Stop it! I can’t stand it any more. Please say you’ll get off your sick bed and come help me. I’ll let you have Teresa for the weekend if you’ll say yes!!!!

Clinton: Gulp! That’s OK, John. I’ll take a pass on Teresa .. but OK, I’ll come help you. See you tomorrow. Bring your credit card.

Kerry: Merci, merci, monsieur President .. I mean thank you, thank you. Do you take American Express?

Clinton: Sure do. Never leave the mansion without it! Ciao!

(click)

Clinton: Did you hear all that, honey-bunch?

Hillary (on extension): Yes I did, my little weasel. You did well. I may have to give you a position in my administration after 2008. I think you will do well as Minister of Propaganda. We shall see. Now get out there and campaign for that fool quickly before he realizes that YOU were the one who torpedoed Gore in 2000 by campaigning for him. Cackle-cackle .... soon it will ALL BE MINE! Yes, my pretty little ones. ALL MINE!

Clinton: Yes, Mistress. I hear and obey.

Hillary: You better, my little Stepford Husband. Now begone!

(silence)

Maid: I’m gettin’ too old for this shit ....

(maid stumbles into hall closet, overdoses on Prozac - silence falls on the Clinton mansion)

(curtain)

Posted by The Skipper     on 10/25/2004 at 08:31 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
• Comments (5) • Trackbacks(0)  Permalink •  

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