BMEWS
 
Sarah Palin will pry your Klondike bar from your cold dead fingers.

calendar   Tuesday - March 04, 2014

just what you’d expect in a loopy world

H/T Littlejohn at the Daily Mail


What’s the Romanian for whisky galore?

Regular readers may remember that I have always imagined there is a secret department somewhere in Whitehall dedicated exclusively to giving me something to write about.

How else do you explain the following two stories? A DHL warehouse in Swindon has installed hole-in-the-ground squat toilets because Eastern Europeans don’t know how to use conventional British lavatories.

Despite signs showing the right and wrong ways to use the loo, foreign staff insisted on standing on the seats and making the most appalling mess.
-30-

This little gem comes hot on the heels of news about a Romanian who walked free after being convicted of stealing 54 bottles of whisky from a supermarket in Barrow.

Simon Calin, 37, had been in Britain just seven days when he was caught outside Tesco pushing a trolley loaded with Famous Grouse, worth more than $1600.00. Furness magistrates gave him an eight-week, night-time curfew and ordered him to pay $141.00 costs.

The court was told he couldn’t be sentenced to community service because he had a poor command of English and therefore wasn’t able to read the health and safety instructions.

You couldn’t make it up.

MORE from Littlejohn

Still no word from the Old Bill (Police) on my identity fraud case, which I told you about a couple of weeks ago.

This confirms my initial suspicions that I wouldn’t hear from them because I refused to fill in their impertinent online ‘diversity’ survey.

Obviously, I don’t fit into one of their preferred client groups. If I’d told them I was a Transylvanian transvestite, they’d have scrambled a helicopter.

You can’t even apply for a resident’s parking permit without being expected to complete a multiple-choice interrogation about everything from your ethnicity to your sexuality.

Try getting planning permission for a kitchen extension and the council will ask whether you’re still the same gender as when you were born.

This is a direct consequence of Labour’s ludicrous 2010 Equality Act, which carves up the population into more categories than existed in apartheid South Africa. Since the zealous architect of this legislation was Harriet Harman, I’m astonished there’s not a box for paedophiles to tick.

You won’t get a job in the public sector unless you agree to lay bare the most intimate details of your private life.

This madness is even infecting the security services, which are forced to comply with all the latest ‘diversity’ diktats. MI6 has just published a recruitment advert, drawn up in conjunction with the gay rights pressure group Stonewall.

I don’t know why this was necessary, since a quick look down the list of traitors and defectors over the years would convince you that it was virtually compulsory to be homosexual before you could become a spy.

It’s not just race and sexuality, either. The second question in the selection process asks if you are prepared to protect your country ‘by any means possible’.

Answer ‘yes’ and the interview will come to an abrupt halt. That’s not what they want to hear. I’d have thought a willingness to protect your country by any means possible was part of the job description.

I wonder if the range of sexual predilections on the application form extends to ‘claustrophiliacs’, which is the official term for people who get their jollies from being held in confined spaces.

You may recall that this was one explanation put forward at the inquest into the death of an MI6 agent who was discovered zipped up in a sports bag a couple of years ago.

Although this particular perversion came as something of a revelation to most of us, there was probably a Claustrophiliacs Liberation Front affiliated to the NCCL back in the Seventies.

Still, I’d love to be a fly on the wall at the next round of MI6 recruitment interviews. It could go something like this:

Do come in. You can leave your bag over there. Name?

Bond. James Bond.

Bond will suffice. Your gender doesn’t matter to MI6. Unless, of course, you’re a transsexual. You’re not, are you?

No, madam.

That’s a pity. We’re currently fast-tracking transsexuals, who are shamefully under-represented in the Special Intelligence Service.

I don’t mind dressing up, madam. I was assuming disguise would be part of the job.

That won’t be necessary. And you can call me ‘M’.

Certainly, madam.

Less of the ‘madam’. We have dispensed with sexist nomenclature. But before we proceed, would you mind explaining why you are late for this interview. We may not care about your sexuality, but we put great store on punctuality.

Sorry, mad, er, I mean M. I couldn’t find a parking space.

But there are dozens of disabled parking bays outside.

I’m not disabled.

Oh, dear. We were rather hoping you would be.

And I drive an Aston Martin.

That’ll have to go if your application is successful. All our agents are issued with Boris bikes.

So no DB5, with machine guns and an ejector seat, then?

Certainly not. You do know there’s more to MI6 than fast cars and guns, don’t you?

Yes, indeed, M. But I do get a gun? A Walther PPK is standard issue, or so I believe.

A Taser, actually. But it is only to be used on sheep, not enemy agents or international terrorists.

Why not?

Health and safety. We can’t afford the compensation claims, not after what we’ve had to shell out to the Guantanamo Bay mob. Would you like a Fair Trade coffee?

I’d rather have a vodka Martini. Shaken, not stirred.

We operate a strictly ‘no alcohol’ policy, both on and off the premises. All our agents are subject to random substance abuse tests.

The perks do include five-star hotels, though?

I’m afraid not, Bond. There is a small overnight allowance, but luxury hotel suites are not allowed under our current austerity programme.

What about first class air travel, private helicopters, that sort of thing?

Not any more. We are committed to cutting our carbon footprint to combat global warming. And you can put out that e-cigarette.

Link for the rest, it’s worth it. Too bad things really seem to be going this way.

LITTLEJOHN AS JAMES BOND, DEPRESSINGLY FUNNY


avatar

Posted by peiper   United Kingdom  on 03/04/2014 at 01:46 PM   
Filed Under: • Daily LifeIllegal-Aliens and Immigration •  
Comments (0) Trackbacks(0)  Permalink •  
Page 1 of 1 pages

Five Most Recent Trackbacks:

Once Again, The One And Only Post
(3 total trackbacks)
Tracked at diamond painting uk
The Glee alum's dark cheap diamond cheap diamond painting painting locks were styled stick straight and tucke diamond painting kits d behind her diamond painting kits ears diamond painting uk…
On: 03/20/21 10:12

Vietnam Homecoming
(1 total trackbacks)
Tracked at 广告专题配音 专业从事中文配音跟外文配音制造,北京名传天下配音公司
  专业从事中文配音和外文配音制作,北京名传天下配音公司   北京名传天下专业配音公司成破于2006年12月,是专业从事中 中文配音 文配音跟外文配音的音频制造公司,幻想飞腾配音网领 配音制作 有海内外优良专业配音职员已达500多位,可供给一流的外语配音,长年服务于国内中心级各大媒体、各省市电台电视台,能满意不同客户的各种需要。电话:010-83265555   北京名传天下专业配音公司…
On: 03/20/21 07:00

The Brownshirts: Partie Deux; These aare the Muscle We've Been Waiting For
(2 total trackbacks)
Tracked at 香港特首曾荫权和部分高管分别用步行或搭乘公共交通工具的方式上班
西安电加热油温机 香港盛吹“环保风” 专家指市民已从被动变主动 中新网9月29日 淮安导热油电加热炉 电 据香港中通社报道,9月29日晚由香港某环保团体举行的“无冷气夜”,吸引了5万名市民及超过60间企业承诺参加。这是香港最近环保活动不断升温过程中的大型活动之一。 进入九月,香港各界环保活动渐入高潮,层出不穷。特首高官与各界市民齐齐参与,是其中一个最大特色。…
On: 03/21/18 12:12

meaningless marching orders for a thousand travellers ... strife ahead ..
(1 total trackbacks)
Tracked at Casual Blog
[...] RTS. IF ANYTHING ON THIS WEBSITE IS CONSTRUED AS BEING CONTRARY TO THE LAWS APPL [...]
On: 07/17/17 04:28

a small explanation
(1 total trackbacks)
Tracked at yerba mate gourd
Find here top quality how to prepare yerba mate without a gourd that's available in addition at the best price. Get it now!
On: 07/09/17 03:07



DISCLAIMER
Allanspacer

THE SERVICES AND MATERIALS ON THIS WEBSITE ARE PROVIDED "AS IS" AND THE HOSTS OF THIS SITE EXPRESSLY DISCLAIMS ANY AND ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, TO THE EXTENT PERMITTED BY LAW INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF SATISFACTORY QUALITY, MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, WITH RESPECT TO THE SERVICE OR ANY MATERIALS.

Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:
  1. Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong
  2. Stay involved with government on every level and don't let those bastards get away with a thing
  3. Use every legal means to defend yourself in the event of real internal trouble, and, most importantly:
  4. Keep talking to each other, whether here or elsewhere
It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

THE INFORMATION AND OTHER CONTENTS OF THIS WEBSITE ARE DESIGNED TO COMPLY WITH THE LAWS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. THIS WEBSITE SHALL BE GOVERNED BY AND CONSTRUED IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE LAWS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND ALL PARTIES IRREVOCABLY SUBMIT TO THE JURISDICTION OF THE AMERICAN COURTS. IF ANYTHING ON THIS WEBSITE IS CONSTRUED AS BEING CONTRARY TO THE LAWS APPLICABLE IN ANY OTHER COUNTRY, THEN THIS WEBSITE IS NOT INTENDED TO BE ACCESSED BY PERSONS FROM THAT COUNTRY AND ANY PERSONS WHO ARE SUBJECT TO SUCH LAWS SHALL NOT BE ENTITLED TO USE OUR SERVICES UNLESS THEY CAN SATISFY US THAT SUCH USE WOULD BE LAWFUL.


Copyright © 2004-2015 Domain Owner



GNU Terry Pratchett


Oh, and here's some kind of visitor flag counter thingy. Hey, all the cool blogs have one, so I should too. The Visitors Online thingy up at the top doesn't count anything, but it looks neat. It had better, since I paid actual money for it.
free counters