Tuesday - March 04, 2014

just what you’d expect in a loopy world

H/T Littlejohn at the Daily Mail

What’s the Romanian for whisky galore?

Regular readers may remember that I have always imagined there is a secret department somewhere in Whitehall dedicated exclusively to giving me something to write about.

How else do you explain the following two stories? A DHL warehouse in Swindon has installed hole-in-the-ground squat toilets because Eastern Europeans don’t know how to use conventional British lavatories.

Despite signs showing the right and wrong ways to use the loo, foreign staff insisted on standing on the seats and making the most appalling mess.
-30-

This little gem comes hot on the heels of news about a Romanian who walked free after being convicted of stealing 54 bottles of whisky from a supermarket in Barrow.

Simon Calin, 37, had been in Britain just seven days when he was caught outside Tesco pushing a trolley loaded with Famous Grouse, worth more than $1600.00. Furness magistrates gave him an eight-week, night-time curfew and ordered him to pay $141.00 costs.

The court was told he couldn’t be sentenced to community service because he had a poor command of English and therefore wasn’t able to read the health and safety instructions.

You couldn’t make it up.

MORE from Littlejohn

Still no word from the Old Bill (Police) on my identity fraud case, which I told you about a couple of weeks ago.

This confirms my initial suspicions that I wouldn’t hear from them because I refused to fill in their impertinent online ‘diversity’ survey.

Obviously, I don’t fit into one of their preferred client groups. If I’d told them I was a Transylvanian transvestite, they’d have scrambled a helicopter.

You can’t even apply for a resident’s parking permit without being expected to complete a multiple-choice interrogation about everything from your ethnicity to your sexuality.

Try getting planning permission for a kitchen extension and the council will ask whether you’re still the same gender as when you were born.

This is a direct consequence of Labour’s ludicrous 2010 Equality Act, which carves up the population into more categories than existed in apartheid South Africa. Since the zealous architect of this legislation was Harriet Harman, I’m astonished there’s not a box for paedophiles to tick.

You won’t get a job in the public sector unless you agree to lay bare the most intimate details of your private life.

This madness is even infecting the security services, which are forced to comply with all the latest ‘diversity’ diktats. MI6 has just published a recruitment advert, drawn up in conjunction with the gay rights pressure group Stonewall.

I don’t know why this was necessary, since a quick look down the list of traitors and defectors over the years would convince you that it was virtually compulsory to be homosexual before you could become a spy.

It’s not just race and sexuality, either. The second question in the selection process asks if you are prepared to protect your country ‘by any means possible’.

Answer ‘yes’ and the interview will come to an abrupt halt. That’s not what they want to hear. I’d have thought a willingness to protect your country by any means possible was part of the job description.

I wonder if the range of sexual predilections on the application form extends to ‘claustrophiliacs’, which is the official term for people who get their jollies from being held in confined spaces.

You may recall that this was one explanation put forward at the inquest into the death of an MI6 agent who was discovered zipped up in a sports bag a couple of years ago.

Although this particular perversion came as something of a revelation to most of us, there was probably a Claustrophiliacs Liberation Front affiliated to the NCCL back in the Seventies.

Still, I’d love to be a fly on the wall at the next round of MI6 recruitment interviews. It could go something like this:

Do come in. You can leave your bag over there. Name?

Bond. James Bond.

Bond will suffice. Your gender doesn’t matter to MI6. Unless, of course, you’re a transsexual. You’re not, are you?

No, madam.

That’s a pity. We’re currently fast-tracking transsexuals, who are shamefully under-represented in the Special Intelligence Service.

I don’t mind dressing up, madam. I was assuming disguise would be part of the job.

That won’t be necessary. And you can call me ‘M’.

Certainly, madam.

Less of the ‘madam’. We have dispensed with sexist nomenclature. But before we proceed, would you mind explaining why you are late for this interview. We may not care about your sexuality, but we put great store on punctuality.

Sorry, mad, er, I mean M. I couldn’t find a parking space.

But there are dozens of disabled parking bays outside.

I’m not disabled.

Oh, dear. We were rather hoping you would be.

And I drive an Aston Martin.

That’ll have to go if your application is successful. All our agents are issued with Boris bikes.

So no DB5, with machine guns and an ejector seat, then?

Certainly not. You do know there’s more to MI6 than fast cars and guns, don’t you?

Yes, indeed, M. But I do get a gun? A Walther PPK is standard issue, or so I believe.

A Taser, actually. But it is only to be used on sheep, not enemy agents or international terrorists.

Why not?

Health and safety. We can’t afford the compensation claims, not after what we’ve had to shell out to the Guantanamo Bay mob. Would you like a Fair Trade coffee?

I’d rather have a vodka Martini. Shaken, not stirred.

We operate a strictly ‘no alcohol’ policy, both on and off the premises. All our agents are subject to random substance abuse tests.

The perks do include five-star hotels, though?

I’m afraid not, Bond. There is a small overnight allowance, but luxury hotel suites are not allowed under our current austerity programme.

What about first class air travel, private helicopters, that sort of thing?

Not any more. We are committed to cutting our carbon footprint to combat global warming. And you can put out that e-cigarette.

Link for the rest, it’s worth it. Too bad things really seem to be going this way.

LITTLEJOHN AS JAMES BOND, DEPRESSINGLY FUNNY

Posted by peiper     on 03/04/2014 at 01:46 PM   
Filed Under: • Daily Life • Illegal-Aliens and Immigration •  
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