Monday - December 19, 2011

FURTHER ADVENTURES OF BRAIN DEAD COUSIN JO.

POOR BRAIN DEAD COUSIN JO

the saga continues

December 2011

Poor brain dead cousin Jo is so called because she just may be the dumbest woman in the western hemisphere.  If not the world. 
For those readers new to this site, the brain dead wonder of the western world happens to be my wife’s cousin.

She is a good person, a generally kindly older woman, but oh so stupid she almost defies description. 
Our regulars here at BMEWS have seen previous adventures of this laffable loon.
For those of you who haven’t, here’s an example of what I mean by stupid.

She once called us because she was having trouble reading in bed and wanted our advice with regard to a problem.  Her book kept falling on her.  ?? When asked how that was possible, it turned out that the silly woman wasn’t actually sitting up straight in bed, but was reclining, more prone then recline and trying to hold her book over her head. And she was falling asleep and so would drop the book which of course would fall on her head.  Yeah. She’s that stupid.  Which from my point of view is fine because I started a journal on around 2008, chronicling cousin Jo’s verbal meanderings and traumas.  Like, not knowing how to self administer an enema.
Yeah.  She’s that stupid.

So, when she calls or comes by for a visit, I listen to what passes for a conversation, in hope of getting more material to write about and add to the journal dedicated to her.
As good fortune would have it, an opportunity presented itself to us just recently.
As in last evening when she called seeking help with another one of life’s little problems that vexes her so.  This time is wasn’t quite how do you boil water dumb, but it does come pretty close to that category.

About ten days ago, she came by for a visit. She also overstayed as is her habit.  She had coffee with us and was asked if she’d like it with Bailey’s Irish Cream.  A boozy drink of great good taste.  She said yes she like to try that.  It was served and she enjoyed it and asked the wife how she made it.  Well, the wife tells her she simply put the Bailey’s into the coffee cup. That was all. No measure or anything. Just put in the same as you would cream or milk.  Simple, you might think. Ah, but this is brain dead cousin Jo we’re writing about.  Not to be confused with anyone normal and a grasp of the obvious. 

Well, Jo called one night saying she tried to make her coffee at home with Baileys but for some reason it wasn’t coming out right.  She wanted to know what we did to make the taste so different from the way hers tasted. Something wasn’t quite right she reported.  So the wife asked her what she was doing.

Turns out she was putting milk in the coffee in addition to the Baileys. So we told her no Jo. You don’t need the milk and the Baileys. Just the boozy Baileys. Add to taste. That’s it. Nothing too complicated. Right?  Wanna bet?

She called us again last night saying she just didn’t have it right and wanted further instructions.  She just didn’t seem to have it right and asked for the third time how to unlock the secret of this marvellous scientific discovery.
The phone rang, I answered and passed the phone to my wife.
This is how her side of the conversation went.

Phone: ringring,ringring.
Me:  Pick up phone and say hello.
Cousin Jo:  “OH,,, Hello” That’s how she always answers. She says OH! as tho she’s surprised anyone answered.  She needs help with the coffee thing and the Baileys.
I pass the phone to my wife and grab a pen and pad.

WIFE:
No Jo.  you are not supposed to boil the Baileys. It’s alcohol Jo. You’re boiling out the booze.
No Jo. I didn’t say to boil the Baileys.
No Jo. Don’t add the Baileys to the water.  You add it to the coffee already in the cup.
Yes Jo. If you’re making instant coffee, you do boil the water. But not the Baileys.
Yes Jo. put the coffee granules in the cup like you always do.
Right. Add the water.
No Jo. You don’t have to wait for the water to cool.
Pour in the water Jo, and then the Baileys Cream according to how strong you like it.
No Jo.  Don’t put any milk in it.  Remember?  We already covered that.
Yes.  Cup – Coffee – Baileys
Yes. That’s really all there is to it.
No, no trouble at all Jo.  Happy to help.
Good night Jo.

And so ends another chapter in the continuing adventures of
POOR BRAIN DEAD COUSIN JO.

Stay tuned. There’s always more to follow.

Posted by peiper     on 12/19/2011 at 12:26 PM   
Filed Under: • Personal • Stoopid-People •  
• Comments (6) • Trackbacks(0)  Permalink •  

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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:

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It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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