BMEWS
 
Sarah Palin is the only woman who can make Tony Romo WIN a playoff.

calendar   Sunday - July 18, 2004

Humor for Sunday!

Headlines from the year 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon). Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.

(Thanks, Sandy!)
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Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler   United States  on 07/18/2004 at 09:21 AM   
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calendar   Saturday - July 17, 2004

Daily Dose

Quote Of The Day

"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."
-- Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998)


On This Day In History

July 17, 1955 - Disneyland Opens
Disneyland, Walt Disney's metropolis of nostalgia, fantasy, and futurism, opens on July 17, 1955. The $17 million theme park was built on 160 acres of former orange groves in Anaheim, California, and soon brought in staggering profits. Today, Disneyland hosts more than 14 million visitors a year, who spend close to $3 billion.

In the early 1950s, Walt Disney began designing a huge amusement park to be built near Los Angeles. He intended Disneyland to have educational as well as amusement value and to entertain adults and their children. Land was bought in the farming community of Anaheim, about 25 miles southeast of Los Angeles, and construction began in 1954. In the summer of 1955, special invitations were sent out for the opening of Disneyland on July 17. Unfortunately, the pass was counterfeited and thousands of uninvited people were admitted into Disneyland on opening day. The park was not ready for the public: food and drink ran out, a women's high-heel shoe got stuck in the wet asphalt of Main Street USA, and the Mark Twain Steamboat nearly capsized from too many passengers.

Disneyland soon recovered, however, and attractions such as the Castle, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, Snow White's Adventures, Space Station X-1, Jungle Cruise, and Stage Coach drew countless children and their parents. Special events and the continual building of new state-of-the-art attractions encouraged them to visit again.



Today's Birthdays

Elbridge Gerry, American statesman, Vice President of the United States (1744)
John Jacob Astor, American merchant (1763)
Donald Sutherland, American Canuckistani actor (1934)



Extra Credit

Word Of The Day: "gerrymander"
Elbridge Gerry was elected governor of Massachusetts in 1810 and reelected in 1811. In his second term his party, the Jeffersonians, desiring to retain their control of the state, rearranged the election districts in their favor in a grotesque salamander-like shape, a political maneuver then named by his opponents and since known as a gerrymander (from his name and salamander). Gerry was defeated for reelection in 1812, but he was immediately nominated by the Jeffersonians for Vice President on the ticket with James Madison, and he was elected.

Thanks to The Quotations Page - The History Channel - The Biography Channel.
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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 07/17/2004 at 12:56 AM   
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calendar   Friday - July 16, 2004

No, No, No …. Absolutely Not!

Contrary to several rumors going around the blogosphere, this new action figure doll was absolutely not based on me. No. Absolutely not.

But if it was, I want royalties, dammit!
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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 07/16/2004 at 06:44 PM   
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Daily Dose

Quote Of The Day

"You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner."
-- Aristophanes (450 BC - 388 BC), "Knights", 424 B.C.


On This Day In History

July 16, 1945 - The First Atomic Bomb Is Successfully Exploded
On this day in 1945, at 5:29:45 a.m., the Manhattan Project comes to an explosive end as the first atom bomb is successfully tested in Alamogordo, New Mexico.

The Manhattan Project (so-called because of where the research began) would wind its way through many locations during the early period of theoretical exploration, most importantly, the University of Chicago, where Enrico Fermi successfully set off the first fission chain reaction. But the Project took final form in the desert of New Mexico, where, in 1943, Robert J. Oppenheimer began directing Project Y at a laboratory at Los Alamos, along with such minds as Hans Bethe, Edward Teller, and Fermi. Here theory and practice came together, as the problems of achieving critical mass-a nuclear explosion-and the construction of a deliverable bomb were worked out.

Finally, on the morning of July 16, at the Alamogordo air base, 120 miles south of Santa Fe, the first atomic bomb was detonated. The scientists and a few dignitaries had removed themselves 10,000 yards away to observe as the first mushroom cloud of searing light stretched 40,000 feet into the air and generated the destructive power of 15,000 to 20,000 tons of TNT. The tower on which the bomb sat when detonated was vaporized.

The question now became-on whom was the bomb to be dropped? Germany was the original target, but the Germans had already surrendered. The only belligerent remaining was Japan.




Today's Birthdays

Mary Baker Eddy, Founder of Christian Science Church (1821)
Roald Amundsen, Norwegian polar explorer (1872)




Extra Credit

Once In A Blue Moon
Although the full moon occurring Saturday, July 31, 2004, will look like an ordinary full moon, it will actually be a bit extraordinary—a blue moon. A blue moon is the second full moon in a calendar month. For a blue moon to occur, the first of the full moons must appear at or near the beginning of the month so that the second will fall within the same month (the average span between two moons is 29.5 days). July 2004 will have two full moons: the first on July 2, the second on July 31—that second full moon is called the blue moon. The last blue moon was in 2001 and the next will occur in 2007. The rare phenomenon of two blue moons occurring in the same year happens approximately once every 19 years. 1999 was the last time a blue moon appeared twice, in January and March.

Thanks to The Quotations Page - The History Channel - The Biography Channel.
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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 07/16/2004 at 12:13 AM   
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calendar   Thursday - July 15, 2004

Ground Control To Major Tom

The Nigerians are finally getting creative ....


From: Dr. Bakare Tunde

Astronautics Project Manager

National Space Research and Development Agency (NASRDA)

Plot 555 Misau Street

PMB 437 Garki, Abuja, FCT

NIGERIA


Dear Sir,

REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE-STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

I am Dr. Bakare Tunde, the cousin of Nigerian Astronaut, Air Force Major Abacha Tunde. He was the first African in space when he made a secret flight to the Salyut 6 space station in 1979. He was on a later Soviet spaceflight, Soyuz T-16Z to the secret Soviet military space station Salyut 8T in 1989. He was stranded there in 1990 when the Soviet Union was dissolved. His other Soviet crew members returned to earth on the Soyuz T-16Z, but his place was taken up by return cargo. There have been occasional Progrez supply flights to keep him going since that time. He is in good humor, but wants to come home.

In the 14-years since he has been on the station, he has accumulated flight pay and interest amounting to almost $ 15,000,000 American Dollars. This is held in a trust at the Lagos National Savings and Trust Association. If we can obtain access to this money, we can place a down payment with the Russian Space Authorities for a Soyuz return flight to bring him back to Earth. I am told this will cost $ 3,000,000 American Dollars. In order to access this trust fund we need your assistance.

Consequently, my colleagues and I are willing to transfer the total amount to your account for subsequent disbursement, since we as civil servants are prohibited by the Code of Conduct Bureau (Civil Service Laws) from opening and/ or operating foreign accounts in our names.

Needless to say, the trust reposed on you at this juncture is enormous. In return, we have agreed to offer you 20 percent of the transferred sum, while 10 percent shall be set aside for incidental expenses (internal and external) between the parties in the course of the transaction. You will be mandated to remit the balance 70 percent to other accounts in due course.

Kindly expedite action as we are behind schedule to enable us include downpayment in this financial quarter.

Please acknowledge the receipt of this message via my direct
number 234 (0) 9-234-2220 only.

Yours Sincerely,

Dr. Bakare Tunde

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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 07/15/2004 at 06:55 AM   
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Daily Dose

Quote Of The Day

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat."
-- Theodore Roosevelt (1858 - 1919)


On This Day In History

July 15, 1939 - From Indy To Miami
Carl Fisher, the founder of both the Indy 500 and Miami Beach, died in Miami at age 65. Born in Greensburg, Indiana, Fisher grew up racing cars and bicycles and aspired to be a successful inventor. He turned out to be a better businessman than an inventor, and left his first imprint on the business world when he partnered with Fred Avery, who held the patent for pressing carbide gas into tanks. Together, they manufactured car headlamps as the Presto-O-Lite Corporation. By 1910, six years after starting the business, Fisher was a multimillionaire. He bought land and built a track in Indianapolis, paving the track with local brick. By offering the largest single day purse in sport, Fisher guaranteed interest in his epic 500-mile race, and in less than five years "Indy" had become one of the premier car races in the world. In 1915, Fisher led the development effort for the Lincoln Highway, the nation's first continuous cross-continental highway from New York to California. Later, in the 1920s, Fisher developed the Dixie Highway, a road that ran from Michigan to Miami. Fisher fell in love with Miami, and in 1910 he bought a house there. It became his project to develop Miami Beach into a city. Fisher gave $50,000 of his own money to complete the longest wooden bridge in the state, stretching between Miami and Miami Beach. At that time Miami Beach was wild, and Fisher set about cleaning up the beach. He built lavish facilities near the water and invited the rich and famous to check out his creation. The Florida land bust of 1926 and the subsequent stock market crash of 1929 left Fisher penniless, and he lived in a small home on Miami Beach until his death.



Today's Birthdays

Rembrandt, Dutch painter (1606)

Thanks to The Quotations Page - The History Channel - The Biography Channel.
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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 07/15/2004 at 12:08 AM   
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calendar   Wednesday - July 14, 2004

Le Bat Villa

With the recent addition of little Batzilla to Batty and Battina's family we discovered we needed to expand our real estate. Actually, Batty has been quite angry about it, dropping pictures of houses (and LegoTM models) on Vilmar's head at odd hours of the night and jumping up out of the toilet (scaring the f**k out of me) just when I'm about to sit down. The little f**ker has been flying back and forth between Florida and Indiana persistently hounding Vilmar and I. We finally decided to surrender to his terrorist acts.

Vilmar and I finally got the hint and ordered a custom-made Bathouse for the little family. It is a nice little three-bedroom ranch with room for up to 300 guests. Maybe with this new house, Batty can keep little Batzilla from screwing around late at night scaring people out of their wits. Don't worry, he has been temporarily "grounded" after this little incident.



The company's sales pitch did it for Batty & Battina:
Our best-selling bat house accommodates up to 300 bats. It is made of western red cedar and has inside chambers covered with HDPE plastic mesh. The landing pad is hand-grooved for entry. This bat house has an interior attic which serves as a thermal buffer between the roof and the bats. We caulk each house to ensure a dry bat house. This is the highest-quality three chamber bat house on the market! This house is ideal for nursing colonies, and larger bat houses like this one have a higher rate of occupancy. Bats provide a great ecological benefit to our environment as pollinators and as the main predators of night flying insects.
Hehehehe .... "night flying insects"? They must be talking about Michael Moore.
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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 07/14/2004 at 03:29 PM   
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Daily Dose

Quote Of The Day

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
-- Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992)


On This Day In History

July 14, 1789 - French Revolution Begins
Parisian revolutionaries and mutinous troops storm and dismantle the Bastille, a royal fortress that had come to symbolize the tyranny of the Bourbon monarchs. This dramatic action signaled the beginning of the French Revolution, a decade of political turmoil and terror in which King Louis XVI was overthrown and tens of thousands of people, including the king and his wife Marie Antoinette, were executed.

The capture of the Bastille symbolized the end of the ancien rýgime and provided the French revolutionary cause with an irresistible momentum. Joined by four-fifths of the French army, the revolutionaries seized control of Paris and then the French countryside, forcing King Louis XVI to accept a constitutional government. In 1792, the monarchy was abolished and Louis and his wife Marie-Antoinette were sent to the guillotine for treason in 1793.

By order of the new revolutionary government, the Bastille was torn down. On February 6, 1790, the last stone of the hated prison-fortress was presented to the National Assembly. Today, July 14--Bastille Day--is celebrated as a national holiday in France.




Today's Birthdays

Woody Guthrie, American folk singer (1912)
Gerald R. Ford, American President (1913)


Thanks to The Quotations Page - The History Channel - The Biography Channel.
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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 07/14/2004 at 05:47 AM   
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calendar   Tuesday - July 13, 2004

Weird News and an Update

Go to pub. Drink 15 pints. Get into an argument. Jam shotgun into pants. Blow balls off.

Go to jail for 5 years for...........possession of an illegal firearm.

Well, at least he'll be somewhat prepared for jail. In a little while the lack of testosterone will truly make him a better someone's "girlfriend."


Itsy bitsy spider ran up the water spout. Got bored. Built a fine web. Snake slithers by and gets entangled. Spider secures snake in more webbing and gives it his best shot.

Damn Howdy! A spider's lifetime of lunches, wrapped, packed, and ready to eat!!


This assclown probably used to get boatloads of National Endowment for the Arts grants. Now they are playing his concert and expect it to take 639 years. The first 18 months were totally silent, now this two notes will play for about 2 years.

OH, YEAH, BABY! Rock me! What BULLSHIT!!



In an update to a story where we lambasted the French over the woman attacked by North Africans and had swastikas painted on her....... she's been detained as the police can not corroborate any part of her story. She also says she made it up.

But, Hey! Wait a minute! What's to say the stupid (SPIT!) French (SPIT!) aren't making this all up to cover their asses? HUH!?!?!

One last thing. Who says we are biased? If we post something and it is wrong we will let you know. Of course, we will do it like the rest of the media does...we bury it somewhere. BWAH HA HA HA!!
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Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler   United States  on 07/13/2004 at 02:41 PM   
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Global Warming?

Looks like areas in South America are getting hit with some record breaking cold this winter (remember, south of the equator the seasons do a John Kerry--they flip flop; summer here, winter there.)

In news closer to home, a big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is a mess and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

(hee hee! Thanks, Bob!)
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Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler   United States  on 07/13/2004 at 07:45 AM   
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Daily Dose

Quote Of The Day

"When men exercise their reason coolly and freely on a variety of distinct questions, they inevitably fall into different opinions on some of them. When they are governed by a common passion, their opinions, if they are to be called, will be the same."
-- Alexander Hamilton (1755 - 1804)


On This Day In History

July 13, 1881 - Billy The Kid Is Shot To Death
Sheriff Pat Garrett shoots William Bonney, popularly known as Billy the Kid, to death at the Maxwell Ranch in New Mexico. Garrett, who had been tracking the Kid for three months after the gunslinger had escaped from prison only days before his scheduled execution, got a tip that Billy was holed up with friends. While Billy was gone, Garrett waited in the dark in his bedroom. When Billy entered, Garrett shot him to death.

Back on April 1, 1878, Billy the Kid ambushed Sheriff William Brady and three deputies in Lincoln, New Mexico, after ranch owner John Tunstall had been murdered. Billy had worked at Tunstall's ranch and was outraged by his employer's slaying-vowing to hunt down every man responsible. Sheriff Brady and his men, who had been affiliated with rival ranchers, were involved with the gang that killed Tunstall on February 18. Billy's retaliatory attack left Brady and Deputy George Hindman dead. Although only 18 years old at the time, Billy had now committed as many as 17 murders.

Legendary Sheriff Pat Garrett finally brought Billy the Kid in to stand trial. The judge sentenced Billy the Kid to hang until "you are dead, dead, dead." Billy reportedly responded, "And you can go to hell, hell, hell." Two weeks before his scheduled execution, Billy escaped, killing two guards in the process. Garrett mounted yet another posse to bring in the Kid. After tracing him to the Maxwell Ranch, Garrett shot him to death. No legal charges were brought against him since the killing was ruled a justifiable homicide




Today's Birthdays

Nathan Bedford Forrest, Confederate General (1821)
Patrick Stewart, "Captain Jean-Luc Picard" (1940)
Harrison Ford, "Indiana Jones" (1942)


Thanks to The Quotations Page - The History Channel - The Biography Channel.
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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 07/13/2004 at 02:32 AM   
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calendar   Monday - July 12, 2004

Monday Morning Productivity Enhancer

Hey You!

Yes, You!

It's Monday morning and you're sitting there at your desk at the office. We know you're surfing the internet. We also know you're bored. We also know that if you're at this blog site you're probably pissed at Dummycraps, Liberals and John Kerry. How do we know all this? There's a tiny camera hidden under the F4 key on your keyboard .... HA! HA! MADE YA LOOK!.

Seriously (well, almost), we have something to cheer you up and make the day go by faster. Simply click the little picture below and be prepared to go toe to toe with John Kerry in the ring. If there are any idiotarians out there, you can choose to fight George Bush - but we will be taking your names down for later retribution.

WARNING: nifty sound effects and music mean you need to turn the volume down on your speakers in case the boss walks by. Alright?

Let's Get Ready To Rumble!



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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 07/12/2004 at 10:17 AM   
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Daily Dose

Quote Of The Day

"The government consists of a gang of men exactly like you and me. They have, taking one with another, no special talent for the business of government; they have only a talent for getting and holding office."
-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)


On This Day In History

July 12, 1943 - Russians Halt German Advance In A Decisive Battle At Kursk
On this day in 1943, one of the greatest clashes of armor in military history takes place as the German offensive against the Russian fortification at Kursk, a Russian railway and industrial center, is stopped in a devastating battle, marking the turning point in the Eastern front in the Russians' favor.

On July 5, the Russians had pulled the rug out from under Hitler's offensive by launching a huge artillery bombardment around the Kursk salient. The Germans counterattacked, and the largest tank battle in history began: Between the two assailants, 6,000 tanks were deployed. On July 12, 900 Russian tanks clashed with 900 German (including their superior Tiger tanks) at Prokhorovka--the Battle of Kursk's most serious engagement. When it was all over, 300 German tanks, and even more Russian ones, were strewn over the battlefield. "The earth was black and scorched with tanks like burning torches," reported one Russian officer. But the Russians had stopped the German advance dead in its tracks. The advantage had passed to the East. The Germans' stay in Soviet territory was coming to an end.




Today's Birthdays

Henry David Thoreau, American author and naturalist (1817)
Bill Cosby, American comedian (1937)


Thanks to The Quotations Page - The History Channel - The Biography Channel.
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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 07/12/2004 at 04:34 AM   
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calendar   Sunday - July 11, 2004

A Real Environmentalist

I'm going to explain why I hate tree-huggers. With me, it's personal. Why? Because I consider myself a true environmentalist. I don't go running around the news networks screaming about spotted owls or spiking trees to stop loggers or protesting in the well-manicured streets of Seattle. No, those are the pussy-headed, ignorant Liberal weenies who really need to encounter a grizzly bear in Yellowstone on a cold winter's night before they can claim to understand nature and how man interacts with it (in the case described above, man is defined as "food").
See More Below The Fold

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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 07/11/2004 at 08:13 PM   
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DISCLAIMER
Allanspacer

THE SERVICES AND MATERIALS ON THIS WEBSITE ARE PROVIDED "AS IS" AND THE HOSTS OF THIS SITE EXPRESSLY DISCLAIMS ANY AND ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, TO THE EXTENT PERMITTED BY LAW INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF SATISFACTORY QUALITY, MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, WITH RESPECT TO THE SERVICE OR ANY MATERIALS.

Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:
  1. Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong
  2. Stay involved with government on every level and don't let those bastards get away with a thing
  3. Use every legal means to defend yourself in the event of real internal trouble, and, most importantly:
  4. Keep talking to each other, whether here or elsewhere
It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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GNU Terry Pratchett


Oh, and here's some kind of visitor flag counter thingy. Hey, all the cool blogs have one, so I should too. The Visitors Online thingy up at the top doesn't count anything, but it looks neat. It had better, since I paid actual money for it.
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