Sunday - January 29, 2006
This Fud’s For You
Bottling Day
A week ago, I told you all about my latest Home Improvement Project. Well, phase one completed today after seven days. The keg has a really cool beer smell coming out of it and a nice sludge of yeast poop in the bottom of the barrel. What’s on top of that is the prize. Almost.
Dashing into The Skipper’s laboratory we pull out eight one-liter PET bottles, a large bowl of sugar and precise measuring spoons. Into each bottle goes 2 1/2 teaspoons of finely granulated sugar and the rest of the bottle is filled with the makings for Skipper’s Shoreleave Stout™. Shake carefully (doing the macarina while shaking is discouraged).
Then carefully place bottles under sink (in case they explode, the whole kitchen won’t look like Ted Kennedy just visited). Wait seven more days for the little bubbles to expand and reproduce prodigiously within each bottle. Then we’ll refrigerate a few days to “cure” this batch of any youthful exuberances.
In honor of this entreprenurinal startup, I have named the brewery Fudweizer™ in honor of Elrod Fudpucker, the ancient Egyptian who discovered the magic of hops and barley.
I have also commissioned a team and wagon to do publicity for the brew (in shameless imitation of another inferior beer maker whose name will not be mentioned as their offices are within spitting distance of me and most assuredly within mortar range).
At right is a picture of The The Liberty Team™ who will be touring the country offering samples of Fudweizer beer to all reasonably intelligent people (Conservatives). Liberals will just have to make do with swallowing their usual bile. Cheers!
Posted by The Skipper
on 01/29/2006 at 06:44 PM
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Permalink • Saturday - January 28, 2006
Important Warning
Posted by The Skipper
on 01/28/2006 at 02:13 PM
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Permalink • Word For The Day: Humuhumunukunukuapuaa
Go ahead. Say it three times real fast. ... ... ... ... ... Keep trying. I’ll be back in an hour or two ....
Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Dethroned in Hawaii
January 28, 2006, 6:58 AM EST
HONOLULU (AP)
Everyone thought the humuhumunukunukuapuaa was Hawaii’s state fish. As it turns out, the brightly colored fish with the excessively long name has been dethroned. The news shook the world of Rep. Blake Oshiro, who found out the designation was no longer official from Joel Itomura, a 6-year-old fish-loving son of a friend and constituent.
“I was really surprised,” said Oshiro, who has drawn up a bill that would make humuhumunukunukuapuaa—also known as the rectangular triggerfish or “humuhumu” for short—the official state fish for the islands. The stubby-nosed, brightly striped and slightly aggressive little fish whose name few tourists even try to utter (it’s pronounced HOO-moo-HOO-moo-NOO-koo-NOO-koo-AH-poo-AH-ah) is commonly believed to be the state’s favorite. The fish figures into tourist trinkets, broadcast commercials and a much-beloved song about a little grass shack.
Much like its name, the fish’s road to titlelessness is long and confusing. In 1984 the state Legislature asked the University of Hawaii and the Waikiki Aquarium to survey the public and come up with a candidate for the state fish. The humuhumu was swept into the spot in part through the support of school children who learned of the campaign through classroom projects.
Although the issue of the state fish would seem to come with little controversy, the method used to poll the public was questioned and lawmakers limited the designation to five years. No one told the public that the humuhumu’s reign was over, so few knew anything had changed. And the humuhumu has its opponents. State Rep. K. Mark Takai said he had objections to a similar bill a decade ago because many of his constituents were in favor of the oopu, a brownish, freshwater gobbie endemic to the islands, he said.
The humuhumu is not unique to Hawaii, he said. There is no lack of fish species specific to the islands. Thirteen species of wrass alone are found here and nowhere else in the world. But while humuhumu may call more than just Hawaii its home, it has a few undeniable attributes on its side—cuteness and unpalatability. “Here’s a cute little fish. It kind of looks like a pig and it squawks and everything,” said Chuck Johnston, editor of Hawaii Fishing News.
It’s also a good candidate because no one eats a humuhumu, he said. Picking a popular game fish such as the ulua could be a problem if environmentalists push to protect the fish from fishermen, he said. Johnston has asked Gov. Linda Lingle to give the fish the state title in perpetuity through an executive order. In her reply early last year, Lingle said that decision should instead be left to the public. She also pointed out that the humuhumu has not historically been held in very high regard, having been used by early Hawaiians as fuel for their fires, not their stomachs.
While Johnston had originally advocated for the Pacific blue marlin two decades ago, his support now for the humuhumu is unwavering. “The logical choice is the one that was already selected,” Johnston said. “It has been there. He’s been crowned.”
Hawaii Legislature, bill HB1982: http://www.capitol.hawaii.gov/
Posted by The Skipper
on 01/28/2006 at 11:30 AM
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Permalink • Sound Effects
The coolest automobile ad you will ever see. Crank it up!
Posted by The Skipper
on 01/28/2006 at 05:22 AM
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Permalink • Saturday Silliness
- The story behind this silliness is here...
Posted by The Skipper
on 01/28/2006 at 04:46 AM
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Permalink • Sunday - January 22, 2006
A Floating Woody?
Can you think of a better way to spend a sunny Sunday in Venice than driving around the canals of Venice in a wooden car you carved yourself?
(-- thanks to Rancino who really needs to tell me where he got these pictures!)
Posted by The Skipper
on 01/22/2006 at 03:14 PM
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Permalink • Gadget Du Jour
This ought to sell well with the envirowhacko crowd. (1) It is cheap, (2) it gets 330 mpg and most importantly (3) it’s ugly as sin. Look for all the tree-huggers to replace their Prius, Kia or Pinto with one of these smug little beasts any day now.
“A 330 mpg Car For Everyone”
(AUTOBLOG)
That’s the slogan of startup Accelerated Composites, LLC. The company announced Thursday that development of its two-seater Aptera hybrid has begun. As you might guess from the company’s name, the use of composite materials plays a major role in the car’s design. Claiming to have developed a proprietary composite construction technique (called Panelized Automated Composite Construction) that significantly lowers costs, the company plans to price the Aptera under $20,000.
The diesel/electric hybrid pairs a 12 hp diesel engine with a 25 hp electric motor, with power storage in a bank of supercapacitors. With a weight of only 850 lbs, the powertrain is good for a 0-60 time of about 11 seconds, and a top speed of 95 mph (electronically limited). Construction has begun for the first prototype. And yes, fuel consumption is estimated to be 330 mpg at 65 mph.
Posted by The Skipper
on 01/22/2006 at 11:05 AM
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Permalink • Saturday - January 21, 2006
Weekend Project
What to do on another boring Saturday? The laundry? (naw, clothes haven’t started smelling too bad yet) Housecleaning? (fuggedaboutit, so what if the bathroom looks like the Okeefenokee swamp) Wash the Jeep? (naw, it looks good in mud) Read a book? (nope, too burned out on words this week) Clean some of my firearms? (already done that - twice this week) Blog some more crap? (naw, nobody reads the Pulitzer Prize material on this blog over the weekend) Well then, what shall The Skipper do? Hmmmmmmmm ...... AHA! I know ....
Now you’re talking! I ordered this kit from Mr. Beer a few weeks ago in a moment of inspiration. I also included in the order the makings for St. Patrick’s Irish Stout. This sounds easy. Mix booster (maltodextrins mix) with water, bring to boil, mix with base mixture (liquid barley, hops, etc. from New Zealand), pour mix into keg, sprinkle in yeast, shake gently, let sit for one week to ferment, pour out into bottles, add one teaspoon sugar to start carbonation process, wait another week ... get totally snockered when I find out the alcohol content is close to 40% because I added too much sugar. HOT-DAMN! Now you’re talking.
Posted by The Skipper
on 01/21/2006 at 10:21 AM
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Permalink • Friday - January 13, 2006
The Official Friday The 13th Superstition Post
Posted by The Skipper
on 01/13/2006 at 07:54 AM
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Permalink • Sunday - January 08, 2006
We Will, We Will ROCK YOU!
Do you have any old pictures of yourself taken back when you were young and dumb (as opposed to now when we’re all old and dumb)? If so, I urge you to gather them all together and burn every last one of them. Any one of them could prove to be quite embaressing if you’re ever elected Prime Minister of some small country on the other side of the Atlantic ...
(BOSTON GLOBE)
Do the scandals threatening to engulf the Bush administration make you long for a more innocent time? The Clinton White House, say, whose sex-drugs-and-rock ‘n’ roll atmosphere Joe Eszterhas compared, in ‘’American Rhapsody,” to the offices of Rolling Stone? (’’He certainly was a rock ‘n’ roller,” Eszterhas recalled admiringly of Clinton.)
The British seem to feel the same way about their prime minister: Writing in the London-based newspaper the Guardian last Friday, Victoria Powell, producer of a BBC Channel Four documentary titled ‘’Tony Blair Rock Star” that will air on Jan. 19, lovingly recounts Blair’s former life as an aspiring rocker.
In 1971, Blair took a year off before attending university, ‘’travelling to London with dreams of rock stardom,” writes Powell. According to a schoolmate of Blair’s, the future PM ‘’absolutely modelled himself on Mick Jagger.” Sure enough, a photo from the era shows an 18-year-old ‘’in tie-dyed T-shirt, midriff exposed, long hair, flares, and bare feet,” notes Powell.
‘’It’s a daft look, but it’s him all right.” From 1971-72, Blair promoted bands and organized gigs in London. Once at Oxford, Blair’s friend recalls, he didn’t get involved in student politics: ‘’He had the reverse attitude-nihilistic, cynical, and sarcastic. All he had was the persona and the ambition to be a rock star.”
So what happened? In 1973, Blair debuted as lead singer of the student band Ugly Rumours, with whom he played a grand total of six shows. ‘’This was a man who was clearly enjoying himself a great deal,” recalls fellow Oxford student and Tory MP Alistair Burt, who was at one or two of those shows. ‘’But we were under no illusion that this was the next great talent.”
Posted by The Skipper
on 01/08/2006 at 09:29 AM
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Permalink • Sunday - January 01, 2006
Predictions For 2006
Here are my predictions for the New Year. Let me know how I did next year this time. Add your own predictions in the comments and we’ll keep track of each other. Deal?
- Republicans will hold on to a slim majority in the House and Senate after the 2006 mid-term elections. Democrats will continue whining.
- Hillary Clinton will win re-election as Senator from New York. The campaign for 2008 will begin immediately.
- The US will invade Iran. Osama bin Laden will be captured in Teheran. Wearing a burkha. And stiletto high-heels. And lacey underwear.
- Hollywood will make 458 more really, really bad movies. Half of them will be sequels and the other half will be remakes of old TV shows.
- Jesse Jackson will fly to Sweden for a sex change operation. He will immediately start blackmailing several companies for women’s rights.
- Howard Dean will make an ass out of himself no less than 14 times on national TV. Karl Rove will be blamed.
- John Kerry and Sean Penn will continue to compete for Stupidest Quote Of The Year. Ted Turner will beat both of them for the prize.
- The European Union (EU) will declare bankruptcy. The value of the Euro will fall to one-tenth of a peso, its actual value now.
- Red China will buy Wal-Mart. The US economy will collapse after the ChiComs hike the price of nearly everything.
- Bill Gates will become so rich the banks will be unable to count his money. Gates will then buy India and move Microsoft to New Delhi.
- Everything will cost more. We will all be earning less. The oil companies and banks will be pleased. Your job will still suck.
- Muslims in Britain will riot and burn several major cities to the ground. The riots will start when Muslims finally find out what is in Blood Pudding.
- A major hurricane will hit a major US city. If the city or the state it is in is run by Democrats, expect complete chaos and finger-pointing.
- Iraq will finally start to settle down as attrition takes its toll on insurgents. US troop levels will be cut in half by year’s end.
- There will be 4,295,650,337 acts of incredible stupidity recorded here by the Skipper next year. Glenn Reynolds will still suck.
- The Skipper will finally finish his book. It will be published to rave reviews everywhere (except the NY Times).
- This blog will see its 1,000,000th visitor sometime in March. The entire blogosphere will be in awe of the Skipper.
Posted by The Skipper
on 01/01/2006 at 11:00 AM
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Permalink • Public Service Message
Just waking up? Got a pounding headache? Dry mouth? Ache all over? Knees a little wobbly? If so, you have what we scientists call a hangover. That’s a scientific term for what happens when you make an alcoholic ass out of yourself on December 31 without practicing a great deal during the rest of the year. Never fear though. The Skipper is here to help. Here are my personal remedies for the affliction that currently ... afflicts you.
- New Orleans Fizz: Mix together in a tall glass two shots of gin, two egg whites, 4 oz. cream, 4 oz. orange flower water, sugar, half-and-half and a splash of soda. Swallow quickly and chase with three shots of Fernet vodka. Go lie down and wait a few minutes for medication to make its way down to your stomach. Close your eyes and do not move for one hour. You may then proceed to inspect the rest of the night’s damage.
- Skipper’s Bloody Mary: Take a tall glass, wet the rim and coat rim with Old Bay Seasoning. Then mix together in glass four shots Absolut vodka, 12 oz. V8 juice (the Spicy Hot version), pinch of pepper, one egg white, juice of one lemon and a splash of Worcestershire sauce. Garnish with sliced lemon and celery stalk. Drink slowly, savor the spicy seasoning and the warmth as it spreads slowly down your throat to your stomach. Lie down, close your eyes and stay perfectly still for ten minutes. If the drink hasn’t signalled that it doesn’t like its new environment in your stomach and insists on exiting forthwith, again you may proceed to inspect the rest of the night’s damage.
If, after you have medicated yourself with one (or both) of the remedies above, you realize you’re in a strange house or apartment, I suggest you get dressed quickly and duck out the back door. Do not investigate the premises. Some things are better left unknown.
If you insist on looking around, don’t be surprised at what you find in the bed next to you. If it’s human, consider yourself lucky. If not, we don’t want to know about it, OK? If the creature snoring away there has all its teeth, most of its hair and does not resemble a biker gang member, you may congratulate yourself and quickly (and silently) duck out the back door.
If, however, you are in your own home or apartment and the creature mentioned above is there, you are in what I refer to as “Deep Kimchi”. Try to remain calm while you scheme away and dream up a devious plan to remove the evidence. Hopefully, in a legal manner. If there is no legal way to rid yourself of the night’s detritus, we don’t want to know about it, OK?
I sincerely hope this public service message has been helpful in getting your New Year off to a good start. Now get moving before the creature wakes up ...
Posted by The Skipper
on 01/01/2006 at 05:01 AM
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Permalink • Saturday - December 31, 2005
Fear Factor
I found this over at Fark and couldn’t resist grabbing it. I am presenting it here in all of its fear-inducing glory. We all know what that nice lady vet behind him is about to do and from the look on his face, he has fingered it out by now also. In my humble opinion, the vet looks like she is enjoying this WAY too much. Then again, I really, really hate cats so I absolve her of any and all sins.
Twerp and OldCatMan and any other cat owners out there may feel free to use this picture to encourage obedience in your feline “friends”. Here, Kitty-Kitty! Snip! Snip! BWAH-HAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA ......
Posted by The Skipper
on 12/31/2005 at 01:18 PM
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Permalink • 2006 Calendars have Arrived!
Haven’t found a decent 2006 calendar yet to hang on your wall? Well, never let it be said that BMEWS let you down. We have the official 2006 Hooters Calendar all ready for you to download. You’re gonna love this year’s models. So click on the link and hold on to your hat ...
(-- thanks to Rancino fer this one --)
Posted by The Skipper
on 12/31/2005 at 09:45 AM
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Permalink • Five Most Recent Trackbacks:
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On: 07/09/17 03:07
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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:
It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.
- Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong
- Stay involved with government on every level and don't let those bastards get away with a thing
- Use every legal means to defend yourself in the event of real internal trouble, and, most importantly:
- Keep talking to each other, whether here or elsewhere
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Oh, and here's some kind of visitor flag counter thingy. Hey, all the cool blogs have one, so I should too. The Visitors Online thingy up at the top doesn't count anything, but it looks neat. It had better, since I paid actual money for it.
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