Friday - March 13, 2009

As France rejoins NATO, a humorous reminder of why we never missed them.

Okay Bmews ....

This post is MOSTLY for DREW but the rest of you are of course always welcome.

Brits having a bit of fun at French expense.

And the Brits do not have a lot to laff about these days. 

As France rejoins NATO, a humorous reminder of why we never missed them

By Marcus Dunk
Last updated at 1:57 AM on 13th March 2009
The Daily Mail

With typical flamboyance and fanfare, French President Nicolas Sarkozy this week announced that France is to rejoin Nato’s military command after 40 years of self-imposed exile.

It was in 1966 that President Charles de Gaulle pulled out of the heart of the Nato alliance, claiming that belonging to the Nato military command undermined French independence and sovereignty.

Yet while its allies in the alliance have publicly welcomed this return to the fold, a fundamental question seems to have been ignored: do we actually want the French back?

The French are not known for their military might

Since World War II, the French and its army have been seen by many as standard-bearers for surrender, cowardice and military ineptitude.

But at least they’ve made us laugh. Here’s a selection of morale-boosting jokes and quips about the people so memorably described in The Simpsons TV series as the cheese-eating surrender monkeys…

(two of the best comic actors ever there were.  Especially Kenneth Williams, pictured in front with monocle)

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?

The army.

How can you recognise a French veteran?

Sunburned armpits.

Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in France?

Germans like to march in the shade.

Why did it take Germany three days to conquer France in World War II?

Because it was raining.

Why did the French give America the Statue of Liberty?

Because she has only one arm raised.

Why do the French get more votes in the U.N.?

They vote with both hands.

Why is the French fighter plane called the Mirage?

It doesn’t exist.

Why don’t they have fireworks at Euro Disney?

Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

What does ‘Maginot’ mean in German?

Welcome!

Why is the French Foreign Legion the only decent fighting force in the whole French Army?

Because it’s made up of foreigners.

What does the new French flag look like?

A white cross emblazoned on a white background.

What’s the shortest book ever written?

French War Heroes.

What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?

How to surrender in at least ten languages.

What is the most useful thing in the French Army?

A rear-view mirror, so they can see the war.

Why does Nike like the French Army?

Because in wartime they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.

Why did the French celebrate their World Cup in 1998 so wildly?

It was their first time they won anything without outside help.
French football fans kiss in Toulouse, after France’s 3-0 victory over Brazil

French football fans kiss in Toulouse, after France’s 3-0 victory over Brazil

Why do the French have glass bottom boats in their Navy?

To see all their other ships.

What did the mayor of Paris say to the German army as they entered the city in World War II?

‘Table for 100,000, monsieur?’

Why are the French afraid of war?

You would be, too, if you had never won one.

How do you stop a French army on horseback?

Turn off the carousel.

Did you hear about the French admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he died?

Five sailors died digging his grave.

What’s the best thing about being French?

You can surrender at the beginning of the war and somebody else will win it for you.

‘I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.’

General George S. Patton.

How do the French advertise surplus World War II rifles for sale?

‘Never fired, only dropped once.’
And a few more jokes…

The French government announced after the London bombings that it had raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide.

The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively disabling its military.

A long time ago, the British and French were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. They took the major to their headquarters and a French general began to question him.

The French general asked: ‘Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don’t you know the red material makes you easy targets for us to shoot?’

In his debonair English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won’t show, and the men they are leading won’t panic.

And that is why from that day to now, all French army officers wear brown pants.

An officer in the U.S. Naval reserve was attending a conference of officers from the U.S. navy and the French navy. At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies.

A French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked: ‘Why is it that we have to speak English at these conferences rather than speak French?’ Without hesitating, an American admiral replied: ‘Maybe it’s because the Brits,
Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.’

In 1966, upon being told that Charles de Gaulle had taken France out of NATO and that all U.S. troops must be evacuated from French soil, President Lyndon Johnson told Secretary of State Dean Rusk: ‘Ask him about the cemeteries, Dean!’

So, at end of the meeting, Dean asked de Gaulle if his order to remove all U.S. troops from French soil also included the 60,000 plus soldiers buried in France from World War I and World War II. De Gaulle never answered.

DAILY MAIL

Posted by peiper     on 03/13/2009 at 09:44 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor • UK •  
• Comments (17) • Trackbacks(0)  Permalink •  

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