Thursday - September 23, 2004
Putting A Smile On Your Face
With a tip o’ the hat to Laurie!
Ted Kennedy has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”
Ted thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and
over.
Such was his fate in hell.
“No!” Ted said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all day long without getting another heart attack.”
The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
“No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do each day was break rocks all day!” commented Ted.
The devil opened a third door. In it Ted saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms and legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Ted looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”
The devil smiled and said: “OK, Monica, you’re free to go!”
What A Disappointment!!!
If you are like me, when you see a headline lie the one below, your heart races a bit, a smile comes to your lips, and endless possibilities of how this could have occured gleefully enter your mind. Your finger races to the left-mouse clicker and you wait in breathless anticipation to read the first bit of good news of the day.
Elton John explodes in Taiwan...
Imagine my disappointment when I clicked on the link and found out the son of a bitch was still alive.
Damn!!!
I may be wrong but when looking at this photo doesn’t this assbite look like a nasty, run-down, unkempt turd burglar?
on 09/23/2004 at 08:57 AM
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A Slogan Contest
From the “GEEZ, Why Didn’t I Think Of That?” department is this gem from James Taranto’s Best of the Web:
The H.J. Heinz Co. has announced its “Say Something Ketchuppy II” contest:
Sometimes our label gets tired of saying “Tomato Ketchup” all of the time. We received a huge response from our first talking label contest, and now our ketchup is begging for more of your ideas. So make a joke about french fries or have some fun at the expense of mustard. Once again it is time to send your funny phrase (8 words or less, please) and the best ones will be featured on our front label in stores across the country.
So James and crowd thought about it a bit and suggested the following to honor Teresa Heinz Kerry:
“Shove it onto your plate”
Good one for reporters!
“Don’t let your food go naked”
Hey, the kids in the Caribbean will like that one!
“The perfect match for a weenie.”
The best one yet!!!!
WHAT A HOOT! I’m sending Heinz a postcard (check out the contest rules in the link above!) with one of these entries. Imagine if hundreds of thousands of people did the same?
Please, spread the word to your email friends!!
P.S. Post a comment to let us know your slogan ideas!
UPDATE: Am I the only one who’s noticed the name of the town to which we’re supposed to send entries? HMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!
Forgeries, Damned Forgeries All
The story Dan Blather attempted to foist on us was a forgery.
But did you know John Kerry is a forgery, too?
Productive Inequality or Income Inequality?
The next time you hear a Dummycrap whine about how the rich are getting richer and the poor getting poorer, ask him why he pays $50 to watch a football game but won’t pay $50 to watch your local high school kids do the same. The answer should be something along the lines of either, “high school kids aren’t that good” or “no one knows who they are.”
So then ask him why is it we should NOT reward those who do things so well that we so enjoy participating in?
Trust me, he won’t be able to answer that.
on 09/23/2004 at 06:01 AM
Economics • Trackbacks (0) • Permalink
The Daily Dose
Quote Of The Day
“It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.” —Mark Twain
On This Day In History
September 23rd
1779 John Paul Jones victorious
During the American Revolution, the U.S. ship Bonhomme Richard, commanded by John Paul Jones, wins a hard-fought engagement against the British ships of war Serapis and Countess of Scarborough off the east coast of England.
Scottish-born John Paul Jones first sailed to America as a cabin boy and lived for a time in Fredericksburg, Virginia, where his brother had a business. He later served on slave and merchant ships and proved an able seaman. After he killed a sailor while suppressing a mutiny, he went to the American colonies to escape possible British prosecution. With the outbreak of the American Revolutionary War in 1775, he traveled to Philadelphia and was commissioned a senior lieutenant in the new Continental Navy. He soon distinguished himself in actions against British ships in the Bahamas, the Atlantic, and the English Channel.
In August 1779, Jones took command of the Bonhomme Richard and sailed around the British Isles. On September 23, the Bonhomme Richard engaged the Serapis and the smaller Countess of Scarborough, which were escorting the Baltic merchant fleet. After inflicting considerable damage to the Bonhomme Richard, Richard Pearson, the captain of the Serapis, asked Jones if he had struck his colors, the naval sign indicating surrender. From his disabled ship, Jones replied, “I have not yet begun to fight,” and after three more hours of furious fighting the Serapis and Countess of Scarborough surrendered to him. After the victory, the Americans transferred to the Serapis from the Bonhomme Richard, which sunk the following day.
Jones was hailed as a great hero in France, but recognition in the United States was somewhat belated. He continued to serve the United States until 1787 and then served briefly in the Russian navy before moving to France, where he died in 1792 amid the chaos of the French Revolution. He was buried in an unmarked grave. In 1905, his remains were located under the direction of the U.S. ambassador to France and then escorted back to America by U.S. warships. His body was later enshrined in a crypt at the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis, Maryland.
1806 Lewis and Clark return
Amid much public excitement, American explorers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark return to St. Louis, Missouri, from the first recorded overland journey from the Mississippi River to the Pacific coast and back. The Lewis and Clark Expedition had set off more than two years before to explore the territory of the Louisiana Purchase.
Even before the U.S. government concluded purchase negotiations with France, President Thomas Jefferson commissioned his private secretary Meriwether Lewis and William Clark, an army captain, to lead an expedition into what is now the U.S. Northwest. On May 14, the “Corps of Discovery,” featuring 28 men and one woman--a Native American named Sacagawea--left St. Louis for the American interior.
The expedition traveled up the Missouri River in six canoes and two longboats and wintered in Dakota before crossing into Montana, where they first saw the Rocky Mountains. On the other side of the Continental Divide, they were met by Sacagawea’s tribe, the Shoshone Indians, who sold them horses for their journey down through the Bitterroot Mountains. After passing through the dangerous rapids of the Clearwater and Snake rivers in canoes, the explorers reached the calm of the Columbia River, which led them to the sea. On November 8, 1805, the expedition arrived at the Pacific Ocean, the first European explorers to do so by an overland route from the east. After pausing there for winter, the explorers began their long journey back to St. Louis.
On September 23, 1806, after two and a half years, the expedition returned to the city, bringing back a wealth of information about the largely unexplored region, as well as valuable U.S. claims to Oregon Territory.
1846 Eighth planet discovered
German astronomer Johann Gottfried Galle discovers the planet Neptune at the Berlin Observatory.
Neptune, generally the eighth planet from the sun, was postulated by the French astronomer Urbain-Jean-Joseph Le Verrier, who calculated the approximate location of the planet by studying gravity-induced disturbances in the motions of Uranus. On September 23, 1846, Le Verrier informed Galle of his findings, and the same night Galle and his assistant Heinrich Louis d’Arrest identified Neptune at their observatory in Berlin. Noting its movement relative to background stars over 24 hours confirmed that it was a planet.
The blue gas giant, which has a diameter four times that of Earth, was named for the Roman god of the sea. It has eight known moons, of which Triton is the largest, and a ring system containing three bright and two dim rings. It completes an orbit of the sun once every 165 years. In 1989, the U.S. planetary spacecraft Voyager 2 was the first human spacecraft to visit Neptune.
Today’s Birthdays
Euripides (as in “you rippa dese pants an’ I’m- a gonna kill ‘ya!") 480 or 485—406 B.C, dramatist
Mickey Rooney, 1920-- , Actor
John Coltrane, 1926-- , jazz musician
Ray Charles, 1930-- , Musician
Thanks to The Quotations Page - The History Channel - The Biography Channel.
Wednesday - September 22, 2004
Checkin’ In
Well, I made the delivery of the ice and water yesterday evening. It was all gone in just an hour or two. Folks down there are really hurting. Power is still out over half of South Alabama and the Florida Panhandle. I brought a few family members back with me and we’re loading up again preparing to make another run. As for the tremendous forests in South Alabama all I can tell you is .... toothpicks .... lots of toothpicks. The sound of chainsaws is a steady monotonous drone wherever you go and so far that isn’t too far with all the roads just now getting cleared. The devastation is mind-bending. If you can spare a few bucks to the Red Cross and other relief agencies it sure would be appreciated. Folks are camped out on the floor in schools and churches and five or six families, in some cases, are sharing a single house. It’s getting better but there’s a long way to go.
By the way .... we found Chucky last night.
Coming to Europe First, Then America
Well, ladies, it’s coming!!
At this point you may be mildly curious and want to know what it is. So keep reading and you will find that we are headed, like Europe, to becoming a society based on Islamic behavior and religious customs.
For the pacifist, liberal femi-nazis out there who may be reading this blog, you best pay a SHITLOAD of attention to this article and hope like hell that President Bush is successful in waging the war against terrorists.
Because if he isn’t, us guys will have no recourse but to begin beating the shit out of you every day (and being allowed to, legally) while you run to a court and beg we only do it once a week. After all, you’ll grow to love it. Trust Islam. It IS a religion of peace. Really.
So unless you are into S&M, you better vote for Bush in November.
P.S. If Kerry wins I will start a factory for making whips and cats o’ nine tails. Who’s with me? BWAH HA HA HA!
Try This At Home--Really!! Do It Now!
Ever since Dan Blather at C-B.S. admitted he’d been hoodwinked the Democratic Party has been in serious back-pedal mode denying, denying, denying all links to said party as influencing the decision to go with the story.
Joe Lockhart had this to say to Fox News:
“it’s simply about a “gentleman who wanted to give some political advice to the campaign” and was frustrated by his inability to have his phone calls returned.”
He also said:
“A CBS producer called me on Saturday and told me she was doing a story on the National Guard. One of the people who had been helpful to her was interested in talking to the campaign—specifically mentioned my name - she gave me his number. I waited a day or so just because I was busy at the time. I called him. We talked for about, I’d say, three or four minutes.”
So here’s what I’d like everyone to try: call the DNC, ask to speak to Joe and say you are frustrated at not having your phone calls returned.
Then sit and wait for him to call you back.
and wait........
and wait........
and wait........
and wait........
and wait........
and wait........
and wait........
Um hmmmm, just as I thought. He never called you back, did he?
So why is it the DNC continues to describe Burkette as nothing more than an ordinary man? Obviously he is much more than that yet somehow the press never really lets on do they?
FLASH!!!!!!!!
Looks like Burkette is now pissed he got his pone call returned and is suing CBS.
Is anyone surprised that this foron belongs to the party that wants to have a trial lawyer as VP (and a party in the back pockets of the trial lawyers in this country)and is now suing?
on 09/22/2004 at 09:07 AM
Democrats-Liberals-Moonbat Leftists • Trackbacks (0) • Permalink
Bizarre, Weird, And……………A Couple Presented As A Public Service
Think you have bad breath? Find out for sure. Get a smell-o-phone!
Does eating sweets send you “over the moon” with joy? Then take a 26,000 light year trip to a place at the center of our Milky Way (no pun intended) galaxy for a frozen treat.
This one has so many possibilities that I will leave it to the readers to come up with them.
I first heard about this cancelled check business yesterday when my father handed me a letter from his bank concerning this and was wondering what effect it would have on him. Today I saw this article and my curiosity was piqued given what I understood the law to be---no more cancelled checks.
But it is more than that. Personally I see nothing wrong with these measures and wholeheartedly agree that if you are using your checks as a way to float money from one account or another, then you are not only screwed but stupid. Then again, that’s my opinion.
Do you understand credit ratings and what impacts they have on you? If not, read this. If you do, pass it to someone not so “with it.”
More UN Crap
Looks like our asshole buddy Jacques Chirac is up to his old tricks again. He and his butt-buddy Lula daSilva from Brazil are proposing a global tax on arms sales and financial transactions under the guise of helping the poor in the world.
This is nothing more than another oil-for-food program where bastards like these are the only ones benefiting and the people it is purported to help end up getting screwed.
You need only understand that one of these shitheads is a socialist and the other a communist (the Brazilian) That should be enough to send you into a fiscal panic.
Chirac and his type tried this before some time ago at the G-8 conference. They made it seem like the “tax” was so low the individual would never really notice it (something in the order of some thousandths of a percent) But when you calculate the TRILLIONS of dollars that float around every day, this is a gold mine for these corrupt money grabbing fucktards.
DAMMIT! This shit pisses me off and now I am in a foul mood. Excuse me while I go out digging in my garden to vent some anger. I’ll be back on the be-back bus.
on 09/22/2004 at 06:40 AM
United-Nations • Trackbacks (0) • Permalink
Thanks UN! And Kofi Annan, too!!
I got this tip from one of our readers, Renee. How she found it I have no clue. It took some digging and I finally located what she was talking about. (hey, I am not C-B.S. I CHECK my sources!!)
Here’s a direct quote from Kofi Annan made 13 Sep 04. You read it and tell me what you think is wrong with it.
The Secretary-General is deeply concerned about the humanitarian impact of Hurricane Ivan, which has wreaked havoc across the Caribbean. The Secretary-General is deeply saddened by the loss of life, injuries and destruction that have resulted from the disaster. He wishes to convey his condolences to the people and Governments of Barbados, Grenada, Jamaica, Saint Lucia, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, and Trinidad and Tobago. The Secretary-General requests the international community to offer solidarity and the resources necessary to alleviate the hurricane’s effects.
So I guess the multiple billions of dollars’ impact on the US is not worthy of mention nor of concern by this goat-fucking assbite, is it?
To be fair I searched the site for any comment made after the storm passed and also looked for comments made after Charley and Frances. Result: ZIP! NADA! ZERO! NONE!
I guess all we are to the UN is nothing more than a money bag for the charlatans working there, the corruption rampant there, and the molly-coddling of dictators ruling the countries represented there.
I searched high and low for a good email link but the Secretary General has none. So here is a generic link:
If anyone knows a better onet, please pass it on to the rest of us so we can send this vile piece of humanity a piece of our minds.
Mine was as follows:
To Secretary General Annan:
I read your 13 Sep 04 message about how you were concerned for the people of the Caribbean affected by Hurricane Ivan. That was nice.
Yet after reading it I realized there was a huge omission in that statement. Said omission resulted in a furtherance of my belief that the UN, like an ungrateful child who expects everything given him by his parents without need for thanking them, is that ungrateful child. Given the tens of billions of dollars of destruction caused by three hurricanes to the US not to mention economic loss and large loss of life, we don’t deserve any mention do we? What country is at the forefront of providing all manner of aid to anyone suffering natural calamaties? Is it your homeland, Ghana? Maybe Argentina? China, right? NO! THE UNITED STATES! And what happens when we are faced with devastating catastrophies? Not a peep from the UN requesting other countries help us out. Nice thanks we get.
I guess all we are good for to you and your Iraqi oil-for-food embezzling minions is nothing more than being the money bags supporting UN operations on our soil whose money is supporting ungrateful heathens posing as representatives of oppressive nations, whose money continues to fund the charlatans working at the UN, whose money furthers the corruption rampant there, and whose money allows for the molly-coddling of dictators ruling the countries represented there.
Yep, I guess that’s all we’re good for. We’re just the United States. Some bastard child unworthy of mention.
Thanks, Mr. Annan. You have given me further ammunition to continue my personal campaign to oust you and your ilk out of our country.
on 09/22/2004 at 05:51 AM
United-Nations • Trackbacks (0) • Permalink
Hump Day Humor
A tip o’ the hat to Joanny for this ringing product endorsement!!
Dear Tide,
I’m writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn’t come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
Sincerely,
PMS
The Daily Dose
Quote Of The Day
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” —Groucho Marx
On This Day In History
September 22nd
1776 American Patriot executed for spying
In New York City, Nathan Hale, a Connecticut schoolteacher and captain in the Continental Army, is executed by the British for spying.
A graduate of Yale University, Hale joined a Connecticut regiment in 1775 and served in the successful siege of British-occupied Boston. In the summer of 1776, he crossed behind British lines on Long Island in civilian clothes to spy on the British. While returning with the intelligence information, British soldiers captured Hale near the American lines and charged him with espionage. Taken to New York, he was hanged without trial the next day.
Before being executed, legend holds that Hale said, “I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.” There is no historical record to prove that Hale actually made this statement, but if he did he may have been inspired by the lines in English author Joseph Addison’s 1713 play Cato: “What a pity it is/That we can die but once to serve our country.”
1980 Iran-Iraq War
Long-standing border disputes and political turmoil in Iran prompt Iraqi President Saddam Hussein to launch an invasion of Iran’s oil-producing province of Khuzestan. After initial advances, the Iraqi offense was repulsed. In 1982, Iraq voluntarily withdrew and sought a peace agreement, but the Ayatollah Khomeini renewed fighting. Stalemates and the deaths of thousands of young Iranian conscripts in Iraq followed. Population centers in both countries were bombed, and Iraq employed chemical weapons. In the Persian Gulf, a “tanker war” curtailed shipping and increased oil prices. In 1988, Iran agreed to a cease-fire.
Today’s Birthdays
Michael Faraday, 1791–1867, English scientist
Tommy Lasorda, 1927-- , Baseball manager
Thanks to The Quotations Page - The History Channel - The Biography Channel.
Tuesday - September 21, 2004
Weird Bits
Political correctness is alive and well in Florida. A recent law requires municipalities to identify and propose new names for locations deemed politically incorrect. Soon we will lose colorful names like: Jap Rock, Negro Island, Jewfish Creek and Cracker Swamp
Since the original intent behind the naming of these places is not known guess what government must now do?
“ We need to figure out whether or not it was done in a derogatory manner.”
Can anyone say, “re-writing history?”
This shit pisses me off and I can only hope local municipalities tell the state to go fuck off!
Speaking of determining intent, read this and think hard about what will happen to your trusts after you die. Especially if you are fortunate enough to die with a shitload of money and leave things to museums and such.
Seems a trust with a large art collection left behind at the death of a collector was mismanaged and some people (notably big art houses/museums and the like) want it moved to a more favorable location (to benefit them, of course.) The problem is the trust stipulated:
“that no part of it may be lent, sold or rearranged in any way. ”
Maybe this does not affect you because you are not leaving behind a trust but if you do, beware. Should the Association of Art Museum Directors win this case, it will set precedent that donor agreements can be torn up at will.
Remember Marion Barry, the crackhead mayor of DC? To give you any indication of the level of intelligence the people living in DC possess, we find that Marion has won a seat on the City’s Commission! Then again, what do you exepct from those folks? FORONS!! They deserve whatever shit happens to them now.
What is it about Black folks that make them do stupid things like this. Have they no pride?
Sitting on bar stools causes pregnancies?
on 09/21/2004 at 06:06 PM
Miscellaneous • Trackbacks (0) • Permalink
Headin’ Out
Allan here. I’m loaded up and about to leave, headed south on I-65. I have $100 woth of bottled water and $100 worth of ice that I need to get moving with. I intend to give it all away to family members who are still without power and to anyone else who needs it. I’ll be back Friday, gang. As Vilmar told you earlier today, I finally found my son late last night and he’s OK. So far, all of my family has reported in without injuries or deaths. I’ll have more on the destruction when I return.
For right now, I want to leave a message for Dan Rather: “Dan, read this! Take heed! I expect you to do the right thing!”
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