Out Of Order
What’s the difference between lawyers and vampire bats?
One’s a bloodsucking parasite and the other is a mouse-like creature with wings!
Posted by Z Woof
11/22/2005 at 05:52 AM
Contest Rules: All comments must be in bt 7:30 AM EST - Contest Over.
I Win.
Skipper: I want a BLACK BMW please, I thank you in advance.
Posted by Z Woof
11/22/2005 at 07:31 AM
What do you call an attorney with a low IQ and a shitty disposition?
“Your Honour”.They didn’t appreciate me when I told that one at the annual judges convention.
Skipper: Send $250 of my million to OCM please.
He just emailed me and his message was, “My hair is getting good in the back.”
I know OCM’s
addiction is over $200 a week.
I just want to share my new wealth with my friends.
Posted by Z Woof
11/22/2005 at 09:22 AM
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Your HonorQ: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cementQ: What do you get when you cross a dirty politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea ClintonMark Twain notes..
“It is interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also; but I repeat myself.”
-----------------------------------
An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, Cletus Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him:"What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?” And so on.
Too shattered to fight, he poured himself a big slug of whisky and headed off for a long
hot soak in the bathtub. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife
answered and was told that her husband’s client had been granted his stay
of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, her husband was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
“They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.
He whirled around and yelled , “FOR CRYING OUT LOUD,
WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP!”Posted by Oink
11/22/2005 at 09:34 AM
Oink, Thanks for that ! I thought I’d heard ‘em all
What’s 14 inches long & hangs in front of an a$$hole ?? A lawyers tie
Here’s my lawyers joke:
A man is walking along a beach when he finds a lamp. He picks it up, dusts it off, and out pops a genie.
“Master I grant you three wishes. But note that every lawyer in the world will get two of whatever you wish for.”
“Fine, said the man. For my first wish, I would like 50 million dollars”
“Ok, here’s 50 million dollars. Now every lawyer in this world has 100 million dollars. What’s your second wish?”
“For my second wish, I would like a big mansion on the beach.”
“Voila! Here’s your mansion! Every lawyer has two mansions on beaches. Now you have one more wish. What will it be?”
So the man thought for a few moments and said “Actually, I would like to donate a kidney.”
With advance apologies to Oink.
Q: What happens when you cross a lawyer and a pig?
A: Nothing, there are some things even a pig won’t do!
The Hobo
My favorite legal firm: Dewey, Cheatham and Howe.
Most popular lawyers’ names: Bill and Sue.
What do you call it when an airplane with 250 lawyers on board crashes?
A good start.
(Darn shame about those empty seats...)
LCRP
Pope John Paul arrives at the gates of Heaven, and St Peter shows him to his new home, a nice, but plain and humble cabin, with a small and neat garden. Next door, is a 50 room mansion, luxury cars in the driveway, an olympic swimming pool and countless nubile young beauties, and servants everywhere.
Pope asks Saint, “who has that beautiful estate”?
“Johnny Cochran”, St Pete replies..
Pope complains, “I spent my entire life in service to God, The Church and Mankind, and all I get is this lousy little shack, and some damned lawyer gets that huge mansion”?!?!?
Peter replies, “There are dozens of Popes up here, but he’s out first lawyer”.
(I know, I screwed it up, but the mesage is hidden inthere somewhere)
Whats the difference between a lawyer and a carp?
Ones a scum-sucking bottom feeder,the other is just a fish.
The REAL reason they removed the 10 Commandments from the courthouse
The lawyers complained that the injunctions against lying, stealing and committing adultery created a hostile work environment.
Posted by Oink
11/22/2005 at 07:46 PM
MONTANA STATE ATTORNEY HUNTING LAWS AND BAG LIMITS
SPRING 2006
1. Any person with a valid Montana State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
SPECIES PER SEASON
1 Yellow Bellied Sidewinder
2 Two-faced Tort Feasor
1 Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator
4 Small-breasted Feminazi Ball Buster (Female only)
3 Big-mouthed Pub Gut
2 Honest Attorney - EXTINCT
1 Cut-throat Barrister
2 Whiny Left-wing Elitist
2 Brown-nosed Judge Kisser
2 Silver-tongued Drug Defender - $100 BOUNTY
3 Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian
Q. What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A. A million in one chance at becoming a human being!
Know how to save a drowning lawyer ???
#1 No ?? GOOD ! (who’d want to ??)
#2 Take your foot off his neck (who’d want to do that either ?)I have a confession to make - on Nov. 4th I was stopped for speeding - going 42 miles in a 35 mile speed zone (yeah- sometimes I have a lead foot)...........first time I have been stopped for speeding ..........I have now received the notice from the county municipal court with the fee for the offense if I plead guilty...............In addition I have received 6 postcards from traffic lawyers (?) advising me that they can “assist” me regarding this offense..................any advice from my fellow BMEWS friends? Should I plead guilty & pay the fee or should I contact one of these so-called traffic lawyers & have the ticket “fixed”............????????? Any advice is welcome.........
Posted by Dottie
11/23/2005 at 10:35 PM
Dot: Ask someone you trust for a referral. Does your S.O. know anyone in the field?
(42 in a 35 !!?? Chicken shit) Maybe you should show up alone, tell the judge you did it, but you have a clean record. Maybe he’ll let it slide.Posted by Oink
11/23/2005 at 10:49 PM
My lawyers:
Finder, Bender & Raper.
Posted by Z Woof
11/28/2005 at 09:46 AM
11/23/2005 at 05:57 AM
