By Popular (Drew) Request!
on 10/10/2009 at 09:35 PM
That’s the one. Always cracks me up.
I think you have to be over 45 to read that book. It’s almost solid period references, often to products that no longer exist.
Frito, GoodGulf, Legolam, Gimlet, Sorehead, the NozeDrool, and Dildo Bugger. It was awesome.
“Twas pity that stayed Dildo’s hand.”
“Yeah, a pity I’d run out of bullets!”
See, that’s why I always go back to the text… you got it slightly wrong.
Of the Finding of the Ring
As is told in the volume previous to this hound, Valley of the Trolls, Dildo Bugger set out one day with a band of demented dwarves and a discredited Rosicrucian named Goodgulf to separate a dragon from his hoard of short-term municipals and convertible debentures. The quest was successful, and the dragon, a prewar basilisk who smelled like a bus, was taken from behind while he was clipping coupons. And yet, though many pointless and annoying deeds were done, this adventure would concern us a good deal less than it does, if that is possible, except for a bit of petty larceny Dildo did along the way to keep his hand in. The party was ambushed in the Mealey Mountains by a roving pack of narcs, and in hurrying to the aid of the embattled dwarves, Dildo somehow lost his sense of direction and ended up in a cave a considerable distance away. Finding himself at the mouth of a tunnel which led rather perceptibly down, Dildo suffered a temporary recurrence of an old inner-ear problem and went rushing along it to the rescue, as he thought, of his friends. After running for some time and finding nothing but more tunnel, he was beginning to feel he had taken a wrong turn somewhere when the passage abruptly ended in a large cavern.
When Dildo’s eyes became adjusted to the pale light, he found that the grotto was almost filled by a wide, kidney-shaped lake where a nasty-looking clown named Goddam paddled noisily about on an old rubber sea horse. He ate raw fish and occasional side orders to travel from the outside world in the form of lost travelers like Dildo, and he greeted Dildo’s unexpected entrance into his underground sauna in much the same way as he would the sudden arrival of a Chicken Delight truck. But like anyone with boggie ancestry, Goddam preferred the subtle approach in assaulting creatures over five inches high and weighing more than ten pounds, and consequently he challenged Dildo to a riddle game to gain time. Dildo, who had a sudden attack of amnesia regarding the fact that the dwarves were being made into chutney outside the cave, accepted.
They asked each other countless riddles, such as who played the Cisco Kid and what was Krypton. In the end Dildo won the game. Stumped at last for a riddle to ask, he cried out, as his hand fell on his snub-nosed .38, “What have I got in my pocket?” This Goddam failed to answer, and growing impatient, he paddled up to Dildo, whining, “Let me see, let me see.” Dildo obliged by pulling out the pistol and emptying it in Goddam’s direction. The dark spoiled his aim, and he managed only to deflate the rubber float, leaving Goddam to flounder. Goddam, who couldn’t swim, reached out his hand to Dildo and begged him to pull him out, and as he did, Dildo noticed an interesting-looking ring on his finger and pulled it off. He would have finished Goddam off then and there, but pity stayed his hand. It’s a pity I’ve run out of bullets, he thought, as he went back up the tunnel, pursued by Goddam’s cries of rage.
Hey Drew, I got the whole book as an rtf file. Ya want?
hella yeah. To my inbox, pronto, por favor!
Done. Let me know if you get it—or not.
The guys from National Lampoon cracked me up. I think P.J.O’rourke was still there when Bored of the Rings came out. Whether he was on this books writting staff I don’t know.
“I sit on the floor and pick my nose
And think of dirty things.
Of deviante dwarves (mumble mumble mumble - I can’t remember).Of deviante dwarves who suck their toes
And elves who do it in teams.!It just came back! Dang aging neurons.
Here’s the whole ‘poem’ Corsair:
“I sit on the floor and pick my nose
and think of dirty things
Of deviant dwarfs who suck their toes
and elves who drub their dings.I sit on the floor and pick my nose
and dream exotic dreams
Of dragons who dress in rubber clothes
and trolls who do it in teams.I sit on the floor and pick my nose
and wish for a thrill or two
For a goblin who goes in for a few no-nos
Or an orc with a thing about glue.And all of the while I sit and pick
I think of such jolly things
Of whips and screws and leather slacks
Of frottages and stings.”
I don’t know which is worse: that I’ve read this and can remember it? Or the obvious fact that so many BMEWS readers are as sick as I?
Guess I’m in good company…?
It just occurred to me…
Didn’t Øbama attend Harvard?
I mean, with the obvious emphasis that Harvard puts on sexual deviancy and personal hygiene habits, it’s really no wonder The Øne wants to control our health.
I’ve no doubt he’s scared he’ll catch something. Especially since it’s been rumored that he got the Nobel Piece Prize for living with Michelle…
I came here specifically to chastise you for not including the poem :
“I sit on the floor and pick my nose...”
etc, etc....but I see it got in after all! Yay!
I read that thing (BOTR) about 40 years ago and have NEVER forgotten it!@!!!
(As a matter of fact, I originally read the entire LOTR trilogy plus The Hobbit specifically so I would understand BOTR.)
But - yeah - the references are quite dated. How many today would recognize Burma-shave or who Dirksen was?
...and I’d love to have the whole thing in rtf (ahem?) Drew.
