Saturday - September 27, 2008
Another public service announcement
This post is neither from or about Europe
As we belatedly found out in the previous post, September is/was Library Card Sign-up Month. September is almost over, so it’s probably too late to sign up for a library card this year. Better luck next year. Please mark your calendars.
I thought it would be a good idea to find out what October holds in store for us. I’ve found that October is one very busy month indeed.
Filipino American History Month
National Arts & Humanities Month
National Hispanic Heritage Month
Italian American Heritage Month: Italian Heritage and Culture Month
Polish American Heritage Month
Celiac Sprue Awareness Month
Health Literacy Month
Healthy Lung Month
National Breast Cancer Awareness Month
National Dental Hygiene Month
National Down Syndrome Awareness Month
National Infertility Awareness Month
National Lupus Erythematosus Awareness Month
National Orthodontic Health Month
National Physical Therapy Month
National Spina Bifida Awareness Month
National Spinal Health Month
Rett Syndrome Awareness Month
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) Awareness Month
World Blindness Awareness Month
National Pharmacist Monthsource: Wikipedia
I don’t see how I can fit all of that into my schedule. I got a head start on being aware of Down Syndrome thanks to Governor Palin. That will help.
That is all.
Posted by Christopher
on 09/27/2008 at 10:44 PM
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Permalink • Sunday - September 07, 2008
A LETTER TO PRESIDENT OBAMA YEAR 2010
I don’t know how I missed a site like this but am thankful to have found it and grateful to Valgerd for making me aware.
So ,, H/T Valgerd. Again.
I would advise those who haven’t visited this place to please do so. I think you might enjoy the experience.
Cheers and I’m off for the night.
LETTER TO PRESIDENT OBAMA FROM THE YEAR 2010
By seschenbac
OCTOBER, 2010
First the good news: your approval ratings have jumped dramatically in the last two weeks. You are now at 15% approval which is your highest in the last eighteen months. Primarily, this is due to your decision to stay away from all press conferences that do not use teleprompters.
The restoration of the Fairness Doctrine has enabled us better to manage the information coming out about the various problems of the Administration. The New York Times is continuing to work with us on getting your message out to their 86 subscribers, who are behind you 100% of the time.
Unfortunately, we are having a harder time controlling the Internet and cable television. Your initiative to impose the Fairness Doctrine on Internet bloggers and comments has not been as successful. In fact, it has backfired terribly because bloggers are now using remote servers overseas where we are unable to enforce the law. We have had the FBI pull more agents off of counterterrorism actions to confront these scofflaws, but they seem to pop up at a rate of 10:1 as soon as we arrest anyone.
Jamming continues against Rush Limbaugh’s pirate ships that are broadcasting from offshore and Mexico, but your directives to use only alternative energy reduce their ability to jam his signals to just a few yards from the antennae. He is continuing to ignore your message of Hope, in spite of the law mandating that everyone have hope no matter how dire their personal situation is. His audience seems to be mostly amused by his suggestion that people should hope in one hand and defecate in the other, and see which fills up faster.
Your communications director, Keith Olbermann, continues to provide the press with the Administration’s message from his position as head of NBC News, but their viewers seem to overlap with that of the New York Times, and we are having a difficult time with the other 310 million voters.
Senator Clinton continues her investigations of your Administration in her role as Chairman of the Senate and does not seem to be slowing down. She is now investigating if her proposed nomination to the Supreme Court is just an effort by you to derail her investigations and her already underway campaign to replace you in 2012. We have our operatives working on the matter, but they are unable to get through the barricade of women voters who are now saying “We told you so!”
The financial markets continue to plummet as your phased-in increases of the capital gains tax are set for all gains after January 1st of 2003. The Supreme Court has upheld the retroactivity of the tax thanks to your appointment of Barbara Streisand who has tipped the balance of power there. It seems most of the Justices would rather kill themselves than have to deal with her legal reasoning, which has resulted in the recent spate of 1-0 rulings from the Court. Not to mention the pictures we have of Justice Kennedy with that sheep that he is not married to. We have instructed the Senate Banking and Finance chairs to begin investigation of market manipulations, but to be truthful, we could only leave a message on their answering machines since they refuse to take our calls.
Internationally, our emissaries continue to seek out anyone from the former terrorist group Al Qaeda to apologize for putting Boston in the path of their nuclear weapon. We are also having trouble with Russia, in that Tsar Putin is rejecting our message of hope and understanding. It seems he may be trying to mislead us as he continues mop up operations against Ukraine and the Baltic states. We have been assured that any images showing the destruction of the cities in those countries are just Photoshopped and not really indicative of what is happening on the ground.
Europe continues to reject your offers to mediate their desire to surrender to Tsar Putin, and this has been disappointing. It is our analysis that the Tsar may have bitten off more than he can chew as it seems that Al Qaeda appears to have declared war on the Russians as the infidels, thereby reducing any threats to our nation, except for San Francisco, which our scientists estimate will be able to be reoccupied in about 250 years if the anthrax eradication continues on schedule. Al Qaeda operations have continued against the Russian occupied cities of Prague, Vienna and Rome. We are having a difficult time getting reliable information from those areas due to the residual high levels of radioactivity. Our scientists continue to investigate if that radioactivity can be used as an alternative source of energy since it is in such abundant supply at the moment.
There is good news though in Korea, where Kim Jong Il has declared peace after the successful elimination of all resistance in Seoul. With the surrender of the Republic of Korea, our emissaries are now negotiating with those of the People’s Republic so that you can have a face to face meeting with the Beloved Leader and negotiate his use of the trademarked word “Change” in violation of international intellectual property rights laws.
Politically, we have not seen the benefits of a filibuster proof majority in the Senate. It seems that every Democratic Senator has decided that if you could become President they could too. Considering that they are all more qualified than you, all of them are now also running for President - with the exception of Senator Schumer, who seems to be running for the position of God. He believes that is his appropriate pay grade, since no one else has it.
Your staff wants you to know that we will continue to promote your message of Hope and Change as the solution to all of the Nation’s problems. However, if you could, a few specifics would be greatly helpful. Not that we doubt your sincerity that Hope and Change will work, but we lack your intellectual firepower to figure out how to implement it.
In summary, we are eagerly awaiting the November elections, in which the Republicans are expected to retake majorities in both houses of Congress. At that time we will implement your proposed strategy of blaming them for everything once again.
The future never looked brighter, Sir.
Mr. President:
Posted by Drew458
on 09/07/2008 at 01:30 PM
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Permalink • Tuesday - July 29, 2008
Barack Obama, a man mainlining Preparation ‘H’
For my American friends who may not know. Dave Cameron is the leader of the opposition (conservative) party. The Tories. Now as LyndonB would tell ya were he here, the Cons ain’t exactly what most of us at BMEWS think of when we use the term. In fact, more then a few Brits themselves are wondering just what a con is anymore.
Anyway, this made up interview is funny. The articulate and well mannered Obama, and the rap talking white guy, Dave Cameron. The only thing I don’t get exactly is the term, BAZ. ? I haven’t seen that term before today.
When Call Me Dave met Call Me BazLast updated at 9:55 PM on 28th July 2008
by Littlejohn in The Daily Mail
Gordon Brown looked about as uncomfortable as a man mainlining Preparation H during his meeting with Barack Obama. But when the Messiah met Call Me Dave it was a marriage made in heaven.
Both the young pretenders are consummate actors. Obama was on a mission to prove to Europeans that he’s One Of Them. CMD seemed desperate to prove he could get down with the folks in the hood.
Sympathising over Barack’s busy schedule (or should that be ‘sked-yule’?), Dave appeared to switch effortlessly into American. A stray microphone picked him up saying: ‘These guys just chalk your diary up.’
Doesn’t sound very Old Etonian to me. Both men were obviously anxious to ingratiate themselves.
Dave was hoping some of the Messiah’s hip stardust would rub off on him, while Obama was striving to graft a little old school European sophistication on to his street smarts - as this full transcript of the conversation shows.
The first voice is Dave’s…
Yo, Barack, my man. How’s it hanging? Gimme five.
Enchanted to meet you, Mr Cameron.
Not so formal, bro. Call me Dave.
That’s awfully kind.
Where’s you bin at, Bazza?
I’ve just been visiting with President Sarkozy, in France.
What’s you wanna be rapping with that cheese-eating surrender monkey for?
I’m hoping to build bridges with Europe.
Stick wiz CMD, Baz. I’ll take you to the bridge. You can’t trust the French.
President Sarkozy does have some interesting ideas. And a most attractive wife.
Carla Bruni, man, damn she’s one hot piece-a ass, you know what I’m sayin’?
Indeed I do, er, Dave.
Dy-no-mite, dude. Not like that Hillary Clinton. Man, you whooped her booty good.
I found Mrs Clinton a formidable opponent, I must admit.
Yo bitch Michelle is one sweet slice o’cherry pie, too, you don’t mind me saying.
Not at all. I am very fortunate to have such a clever and good-looking wife. She is a tremendous asset.
Cool with that, Baz. And my ho Sam ain’t too shabby, you dig? Maybe you and Michelle wanna come hang at my crib sometime - West-side.
That would be most agreeable. I hear you have a windmill on your roof.
Damn right, I do, bro. We all gotta do our bit for the en-vi-ro-ment, save all them polar bears, cut our dependence on Ay-rab oil.
I was told you take a great interest in climate change and green matters.
Even got me a picture with a husky. And my ride’s green, too.
Have you got a Toyota Pious?
Better than that, bro. I got me a bysickle, which I rides to work every day. At least, I did until it was stolen outside Tesco.
I’m sorry to hear that.
It’s cool, Baz. My homies put out the word on the street and the skank who stole it gave it back up. Teach him to mess with the Notting Hill Massive.
Aren’t you going to introduce me to your associates, Dave?
Sure thing, dude. Meet my posse. This here’s my main man Georgie- O and the skell in the baseball cap is Willie H. Show some respect to the senator, guys.
I’m delighted to make your acquaintance. I wonder if we could talk about your policies.
Policies, Baz? Who needs policies when you’re up against a loser like Gordon Brown? You’ve met the dude, he’s dead meat.
He did seem a little buttoned-up. Has he always bitten his fingernails?
Bitten, man? We’re talking five course, all-you-can-eat buffet here.
He obviously has some serious psychological issues. How did he ever win an election?
Never did, bro. Just parked his ass in the chair when Tony Blair left. Brown had the chance to hold an election, but bottled it.
Bottled?
Sorry, Baz. He decided not to because he thought he might lose.
He can do that?
You’re damn right he can, bro.
But his party must have voted for him?
Nope.
You mean he didn’t have to face a primary, or a general election before becoming Prime Minister?
That’s right.
Sounds like Communism to me. We’d never put up with it in America. I mean, I haven’t got any policies, either, but I’ve still got to stand for election in November. And I’ve just been through a gruelling year of primaries. What the hell’s gone wrong with democracy in this crazy country?
Labour’s been trying to abolish it, dude. Our real government’s in Europe these days. Brown handed over the last of Britain’s sovereignty to Brussels without bothering to hold a referendum.
Hang on, let me get this right. England’s all run from Europe now, so it doesn’t really matter who becomes Prime Minister, because he won’t have any real power?
I guess when you put it like that, dude . . .
So why the hell am I wasting my time talking to you, Mr Cameron?
I told you, Baz, call me Dave.
No thanks, Mr Cameron. And enough of the ‘Baz’ already. You can call me ‘Mister President’.
Any colour you like, as long as it’s not black
Absurd: Detective Inspector Chris Pretty has been accused of racism
The first person I heard describe a BMW as ‘Black Man’s Wheels’ was a black man.
It’s an expression which has been in common parlance on the street for donkey’s years.Now a senior policeman has been reprimanded for using it and had his pay cut as a result.
Superintendent Chris Pretty has been demoted one rank to chief inspector. Two officers complained that when he opened a leaving present containing a toy BMW at a party to mark his last day as head of training, he quipped: ‘Oh, Black Man’s Wheels.’It was a harmless joke. But instead of telling the complainants to grow up, West Midlands Police took it seriously.
Bini Brown, from the African Caribbean Self Help Organisation in Birmingham, said: ‘These particular comments made by a high-ranking police officer merely add fuel to the myth that BMWs are driven only by black criminals.’
No, they don’t. It’s simply a humorous acknowledgment of the enthusiasm some young black men have for blinged-up Beamers.
Mr Pretty is no racist. He’s done much for the region’s black community as a former head of the ‘black-on-black’ crime taskforce and solved several murders.
A police spokesman said: ‘He has been dealt with in an appropriate manner.’
Actually, he’s been dealt with in an absurd, heavy-handed, vindictive, utterly inappropriate manner.
No wonder so many dedicated police officers are walking away from the job. Mind how you go.
Resident of Club Gitmo
Some news sources still mistakenly describe the last ‘British’ inmate at Guantanamo Bay as a ‘British citizen’. He’s nothing of the sort.
Binyam Mohammed came here from Ethiopia as an asylum seeker in 1994 but was never granted citizenship.
He worked for a while as a janitor and then went to Pakistan ‘to resolve some personal issues’. (At least he didn’t claim to be on a computer course.)
That’s where he was picked up on terrorism charges and transferred to Club Gitmo.
His lawyer is applying to the High Court to force the Foreign Office to secure his release. Technically, he’s not even a British ‘resident’.
He’s an Ethiopian citizen who happened to live here once and was resident in Pakistan when he was arrested. Now he’s resident at Guantanamo Bay.
He’s not our problem and we don’t want him back.
Posted by Drew458
on 07/29/2008 at 03:14 PM
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Permalink • Saturday - May 05, 2007
Another School Massacre
It seems not a week goes by but we have another killing rampage at another American school. This week the killer was not a gun though. The local gang of firearms have all been cleared of this tragic crime after police found solid alibis for every pistol and rifle in town.
Finally, yesterday the perpetrator was apprehended and taken to jail. A subsequent lineup and identification by students found the number one suspect is a yellow Ticonderoga #2 pencil of average height, weight and a slightly balding eraser. (shown in mug shot at right after booking)
The pencil is currently being held without bail and several lawsuits have been filed by the Kansas state attorney general against the Ticonderoga pencil company for negligence in not providing any of the new “pencil locks” for the weapons. Lawmakers in Washington are once again looking at re-enacting the 1997 Assault Pencil Ban Act.
The National Pencil Association responded with a press release, saying “Pencils don’t kill people, pencils draw people.” In response, anti-pencil spokeswoman Flower DuPlessis of San Francisco stated “Oh yeah? What about that whole ‘pen is mightier than the sword’ thing?”
At the very least, this horrible incident will probably lead to increased waiting periods and psychiatric evaluation of purchasers from only licensed pencil dealers, according to Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Explosives and Writing implements (BATFEW).
In the meantime, there will be a candlelight vigil at the Kansas school tonight for the victims. All students have had all pencils and pens appropriated by school authorities and replaced with black crayola crayons to complete their homework.
In a related story, sixth-grade boys evidently don’t have very good sense and will quite often do some very strange things either to get attention or just out of plain stupidity. That’s why they’re boys. It’s also why fathers of sixth-grade boys have belts and paddles as teaching aids for instructing the little brats in proper pencil use.
Killing of 3 Ducks Alarms Kansas School
WICHITA, Kan. (AP) - May 4, 2007, 12:50 PM EDT
Students at Wilbur Middle School had named the mother duck Lucy and were monitoring her and her brood, making sure no one disturbed the nest in a grassy creek bed. Their mutilated bodies—stabbed with a pencil—were found this week.An announcement over the public address system led the boy to admit the killings, officials said. They said he had also talked about the act to classmates and didn’t understand why it was wrong. The boy, whose name was not released, was suspended Wednesday. His return to the school will hinge on a hearing.
School officials were responding “the way we do whenever we believe that a child might be a risk to himself or others,” said Liz McGinness, who coordinates the district’s mental health crisis team.
She said his parents were being told they must seek outside mental health care. “We really don’t mince words on this,” she said. “We know that animal cruelty is a very serious, significant behavior.”
No decision has been made on possible criminal charges. Killing mallard ducks is illegal this time of year, and even in hunting season, the way they were killed would be illegal, officials said.
Mark Rankin, assistant director of law enforcement for the Kansas Department of Wildlife and Parks, said the boy may not be charged because of his age. A hunting violation charge could bring an adult up to seven days in jail and a $250 fine, while animal cruelty carries up to a year in jail and $10,000 in fines, he said.
Kris Meckenstock said his seventh-grade son helped monitor the nest and “just can’t believe somebody could be so mean. By the same token, I think that kid obviously needs help,” Meckenstock added. “My thought is, we need to look a little bit further and find out why somebody would have those tendencies.” Wilbur students and staff held a ceremony Thursday “to share their grief for these animals,” McGinness said.
Posted by The Skipper
on 05/05/2007 at 05:43 AM
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Permalink • Tuesday - April 03, 2007
Testicley Challenged?
To: President George W. Bush
From: The Skipper
Subject: Growing testicles
George, by now you should have come to the realization that these Democrats in Washington have almost nothing in common with the Democrats in Texas with whom you worked so well when you were governor. Them good ol’ boys in Texas may have disagreed with you and yes, in a fit of temper, they ran away to Oklahoma and New Mexico to avoid having to vote on Republican legislation (of course that happened after you left to go to Washington), but you always managed to get along and work things out.
Now sir, these venomous varmints who call themselves “Democrats” in Washington are a breed apart. Some would say they are the spawn of Satan. I insist that would be an insult to Satan, sir. After six years of relentless attacks and obstruction, it should be as plain as the nose on your face that (1) they hate your guts, (2) they want to run you out of town with your tail tucked between your legs, (3) they think they’re winning so it’s only going to get worse, and (4) by all appearances, it looks to me and the American people that you’re letting them win.
Now, here’s what I want you to do: when you hop in the shower tonight, take a moment to pause and look down between your legs. Right there below “Mr. Happy” you should see a bag with two stones in it. These are testicles, sir. If they are missing, we’re already in deep kimchee, if you know what I mean. After 9/11 we all thought you had a big brass pair down there. We may have been wrong. Please check.
Find them? If they are not readily visible, here is what you need to do: (1) have Ted Kennedy, John Kerry, Harry Reid, John Murtha, and Nancy Pelosi clapped in irons and frog-marched off to prison, (2) tell the rest of the Democrats in Congress to go piss up a rope, (3) unleash the IRS on Cindy Sheehan, Sean Penn, Jane Fonda, Susan Sarandon, Michael Moore, Rosie O’Donnell and Code Pink, (4) give the CIA orders to “take out” George Soros, (5) nuke Teheran and Pyongyang, (6) go on national TV and tell the rest of the world “your move?”.
If you do all that you will be surprised to note that your cojones have grown to basketball size and are now made of industrial grade steel. America will once again be safe from enemies within and without. You will be remembered as the savior of American democracy. And you can retire back to Texas and have a few beers with the “good” Democrats down yonder, safe in the knowledge that your pair beat their flush in the biggest game of Texas Holdem ever played.
Respectfully,
The Skipper
Kick Me?
Bush needs to fight back
by William Kristol
(WEEKLY STANDARD) - 04/09/2007, Volume 012, Issue 29
Surely President Bush must realize that the Democratic Congress is not merely struggling with him over policy, or jousting for political advantage. The Democrats in Congress are trying to destroy his presidency. They are trying to cripple his ability to govern for the rest of his term. And they are not far from succeeding. Will Bush fight back?
This does not mean defending everything his administration has done indiscriminately, of course. It may be, for example, that Attorney General Gonzales and Deputy Attorney General McNulty should go. Then get rid of them now. Appoint strong conservatives to replace them. And insist on their prompt confirmation.
Senate judiciary chair Pat Leahy threatened last week to hold up any such confirmation until his committee had access to testimony from Karl Rove. Why do the Democrats want Rove to testify? The Senate Democratic whip, Dick Durbin of Illinois, gave the game away in a recent interview with the Chicago Sun-Times’s Lynn Sweet. Durbin explained that he wants Rove to testify so he can be forced to answer questions about “how much did the president know” and what did he do. Durbin wants to destroy the possibility of confidential communications between the president and his White House staff.
And that’s not all. If Rove were to be sworn in as a witness, Durbin continued, the committee would want to know, “What else was Karl Rove doing when it came to other activities, departments of the government?” In other words: Democrats want a fishing expedition. Bush needs to be unequivocal that his White House aides will not testify. And if Leahy holds up confirmation hearings for the nominee for attorney general--if there is one--Bush needs to make his man acting attorney general in the meantime, rather than allowing Democrats to impede his ability to govern.
There is much else that Bush could do to show strength and remoralize his supporters. He could pardon Scooter Libby--now. When his top communications aide, Dan Bartlett, leaves, Bush could replace him with someone aggressive and conservative. And he could order his administration to battle for its initiatives and its people.
Here’s a small but revealing example of the current situation. Last week, the White House withdrew the nomination of St. Louis businessman and philanthropist Sam Fox to be ambassador to Belgium after John Kerry threw a fit about Fox’s having given money in 2004 to the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. Kerry tried to insist that Fox apologize for his donation. Fox, a man of stature and dignity, refused to pretend to be contrite. Kerry bludgeoned Senate Foreign Relations Committee Democrats into opposing Fox--which was not so easy, as Fox had wide and bipartisan support in Missouri and beyond. But the White House did nothing, and Democrats fell into line behind Kerry.
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Posted by The Skipper
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Permalink • Monday - March 26, 2007
Editorial: The Climatarian Church
I haven’t done one of my long, tongue-in-cheek editorials in quite some time so I figure I’m past due for another verbal explosion. While relaxing on vacation last week, I had a sudden thought occur to me over a pitcher of margaritas.
I got to thinking about creationism versus evolution and the difference between science and faith. Then, in a flash, Al Gore jumped into this mental discussion going on in my head and suddenly it all made sense as you can read below.
Upon my return, I had almost forgotten about this train of thought until I started seeing videos of Gore testifying before Congress last week. Before you can say “polar bear extinction”, my fingers flew across the keyboard and the vision became satire right before my very eyes. I then spent a little time in PhotoShop reinforcing the vision and what emerged is this ...
Archbishop Gore And The
Climatarian Church Of Latter Day Scientists
“What’s that?”, you say, “Gore is not a preacher.”
Wrong.
Gore is indeed a preacher and is head of the new Climatarian Church Of Latter Day Scientists. Let me explain …
The first thing a new startup religion needs is an existing religion to build a base on. The Muslims stole prophets and teachings from Christianity. The Christians stole from the Jews. The Jews didn’t actually steal anything. They just got a ten-percent discount from God on common sense ideas carved into stone in the Sinai Desert.
Let’s look at part of Archbishop Gore’s testimony to Congress on March 21 …
“I believe the purpose of life is to glorify God, and we can’t do that if we’re heaping contempt on the creation.” 1Whoa! The Prophet From Tennessee goes all the way back to Genesis and invokes God and Creation and chastises the human race for peeing in the swimming pool. You can’t get any more basic than that. The Hebrews are now second in line for having received the Word Of God, according to Gore. He got it first. Checkmate, Judah.
The second thing a startup religion needs is a prophet who has been cast out, wandered in the wilderness, purged himself of sinful thoughts and had a vision from … somewhere. Failing that, any fruitcake who has spent too much time gazing at the sun or his own navel will do in a pinch.
You may recall the Fall of 2000 and the aftermath of the Presidential election that Gore narrowly lost by a few hundred votes. Here was a man who had spent his whole life chasing one elusive goal – becoming President of the United States. He had spent his youth in the Army press corps covering Vietnam from behind a typewriter in the sweltering heat and danger of paper cuts. Then after years in Congress and later in the Senate, he was elevated to the Number Two slot in our Republic by William Jefferson Clinton, a direct descendent of P. T. Barnum and his wife who undoubtedly could trace her ancestry (and political habits) back to the Medici family.
Gore was only a heartbeat (and a blue stained dress) away from his lifelong dream. Then, with a resounding thud, the voters in Florida forgot how to punch chads – or some similar mythical occurrence that altered the course of the stars, re-aligned the planets and placed a dumb redneck rancher from Texas in the office that was destined to be his. Destiny can do that to you at times.
He screamed, ranted, wailed, tore his raiment, heaped ashes on his head and appealed to the highest magistrates in the land – to no avail. The prize of immortality as head of the Free World was wrenched from his grasp in a spiritually shattering instant.
He was last seen on a bleak December night downing Heinekens with Tom Petty and band (appropriately known as The Heartbreakers). Then he disappeared into the wilderness (actually the South of France but the difference is marginal at best).
There he fought his demons, gazed at his navel and grew a beard. He also had an epiphany. The message he received was to go forth and expand on a book he wrote earlier in life that sold dozens of copies worldwide.
The voices told him to address mankind and bring about a Luddite revolution that would set mankind back hundreds of years, remove evil technology and return us all to a utopian village of pastoralists completely in tune with God’s creation around us.
These are the same voices, derived from magic mushrooms or other natural ingredients, that have educated prophets for thousands of years. St. John of Patmos tried them and saw riders on pale horses and whores in Babylon. The Prophet Gore saw melting glaciers and an Academy Award.
Which brings me to the third thing a startup religion needs: a good PR department.
Now Jesus was really cool. He gathered these twelve guys around him, showed them miracles of God and rose from the dead right before their eyes. These twelve guys then went out into the world, completely convinced they had broken bread and shared a Chablis with the Son Of God. You just can’t do better than a dozen convinced (and convincing) true believers for spreading the word.
Mohammed came along and had an even more direct publicity department, namely the point of a sword – which will convince most people to believe in relatively short order. Either that or the unbelievers are eventually disposed of through attrition.
The Prophet Gore has them all beat though. Moses, Jesus and Mohammed never came close to the modern PR experts known as Hollywood and Media. This twin-headed dragon of modern propaganda holds the masses tightly in its grasp and controls what the people think, believe and crave. In a nutshell, they have us by the short hairs.
So the Prophet Gore went to these public relations magicians and their money changers for help. They provided the financial backing and the commensurate hype to help Gore make a book and a movie to distribute to the masses that would carry all the prophet’s warnings of doom and all the “wrath of God” stuff necessary to convert the unbelievers.
But wait! “Unbelievers” in what?
Aha! There comes the tricky part. The prophet had to come up with a message that was (a) vague, (b) convincing, and (c) unable to be disproved. After suitable consultation with the voices, the prophet came forth with the message of “Global Warming”.
“What we’re facing now is a crisis that is by far the most serious we’ve ever faced. The Arctic ice will be gone entirely in 34 years.
The planet has a fever. If your baby has a fever, you go to the doctor. If the doctor says you need to intervene here, you don’t say, ‘Well, I read a science-fiction novel that tells me it’s not a problem.’” 2Folks, this is Revelations and Twilight Of The Gods all rolled into one. Hear the Chosen One! Heed his words or God will smite you all with hurricanes, floods and various assorted chiggers and gnats of doom.
Now anyone who didn’t sleep through geology class knows that the planet we live on is a closed ecosystem that throughout its lifespan has gone through numerous warming and cooling cycles so an explanation is pretty much only a good guess until we collect more data. On top of that, how much warming or cooling is what we could call “extraordinary”? This makes the prophet’s message vague.
The prophet points at recent deadly hurricanes and throws out as evidence certain glaciers that are getting smaller (pay no attention to the many others that are growing). He cites measurable statistics such as “one degree centigrade rise in worldwide temperatures” and “Arctic ice will be gone in 34 years” as though he has personally measured them himself with a precise caliper. This makes the prophet’s message convincing.
Then, unbelievers and skeptics are pilloried and ridiculed as if they have no say in the matter. Imminent scientists are told to shut up and get with the program … or else. The prophet brushes aside factors that we know are causing a temporary rise in worldwide temperatures such as sunspot cycles, planetary orbit and methane from cow flatulence and keeps hammering home the message that humankind is responsible and we must do his bidding … or else.
That’s where the rub comes in. The prophet declares in sweeping, majestic tones that we should eschew technology and revert back to a utopian vision of energy provided by windmills and people getting around on horseback. If we don’t we’re doomed to fry in the hell we create around us with our modern technology – which, by the way, is much cleaner and non-polluting than anything we had two hundred years ago … before we decided to upgrade our windmills and horses to clean nuclear power and EPA-approved internal combustion engines and clean, lead-free fuel to feed them.
“But, but, but”, you ask, ”This doesn’t mean it is really a new religion, is it?”
Haven’t you been paying attention here at all? I have shown you the prophet, the plan and the purpose. What else do you need to convince you that this is voodoo science and magic practiced on a planet-wide scale before an unwitting audience?
Wait. There is one last thing. There is one word that is used continuously by the prophet and his PR department to convince you to accept the new dogma. That word is “consensus” and it is used to end all argument about global warming. It must be true because there is a “consensus” among “leading scientists” that global warming is a fact and we’re responsible.
There is another word for “consensus” and that word is “faith.” We must have “faith” in the message of the prophet because all those scientists have arrived not at a provable scientific conclusion but have gathered together, rubbed their magic eight balls and arrived at a “consensus”.
Before I leave you with this testament regarding this startup religion, let me give you something to ponder. In the Middle Ages, sinners could “purchase” from the Catholic church what was called an “indulgence”, according to Canon Law.
An indulgence is the full or partial remission of temporal punishment due to sins which have already been forgiven. The indulgence was granted by the church after the sinner had confessed and received absolution. 3In other words, you could pay off the church and receive absolution for your sins. The modern-day Climaterian Church has something that is strikingly similar to these medieval “indulgences.” It is called “carbon offset services”.
A carbon offset service is one arranged with such a provider, that achieves this net reduction through proxies who reduce their emissions and/or increase their absorption of greenhouse gases. A wide variety of offset actions are available; tree planting is the most common. Renewable energy and energy conservation offsets are also popular, including emissions trading credits. 4In other words, you can pollute to your heart’s content, live in a 30-room mansion and force coal-burning power plants to provide you with ten times more electricity than the average home in America, you can jet-set around the globe releasing hydrocarbons into the atmosphere at ungodly rates and even mine toxic zinc for profit on your property – as long as you purchase an “indulgence” from a “carbon offset service” who will go plant a few trees in Oshkosh to “balance” out the environmental sins you have committed.
That, my friends, is old-time religion at its best. We shall now pass the tithing plate – the Prophet Gore needs your support. Hallelujah! Anybody interested in playing with my rattlesnakes?
———————————
1 - “Gore Takes Global Warming Message to Congress”, National Public Radio transcript, March 21, 2007
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=9047642
2 - “Al Gore Testifies Before Congress on Global Warming”, National Public Radio transcript, March 22, 2007
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=9072304
3 - “Code Of Canon Law: Indulgences”, Canon 992-997
http://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/__P3I.HTM
4 - George Monbiot, “Selling Indulgences”
http://www.monbiot.com/archives/2006/10/19/selling-indulgences/
Posted by The Skipper
on 03/26/2007 at 05:02 AM
Filed Under: • Climate-Weather • Editorials • Religion • Satire •
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Permalink • Thursday - March 08, 2007
The Inside Scoop
Confession: I have this recurring fantasy that creeps into my dreams every once in a while. I usually wake up afterward in a very aroused state. The dream involves a mud-wrestling match, kinda like the one in the movie “Stripes”. I am in the John Candy role in my t-shirt and boxer shorts referreeing the match. I’m drunk and soaked in beer (thanks to my buddies) and I stand awaiting the entrance of the contestants.
Here’s the kicker ... the match is between Ann Coulter (on the right) and Maureen Dowd (on the Left). Both are clad in panties and bra - and nothing else. They enter the ring and warily circle each other as I try to stay out of the way. Suddenly, the two tigresses spring at each with teeth bared and nails clawing at the opponent. Mud flies, animal growls rise and fall as underwear goes flying. Suddenly I’m tripped and fall into the mud with the female tornado going on around me and on my head as naked female flesh presses against ....
Then I usually wake up. Damn!
My Very Own Juror
-- By MAUREEN DOWD
(NY TIMES) - March 8, 2007
But let’s get back to the media decrying the media, and the incestuous Beltway relationship between journalists and sources. Listening to all the lamentations, I excitedly realized I had a potentially incestuous relationship with a source inside the Beltway.
I went to Nativity grade school in D.C. with Juror No. 9, Denis Collins. I had an unrequited crush on his brother when I was in seventh grade. His dad was my dad’s lawyer, and both were Irish immigrants. My brother Kevin coached his brother Kevin in touch football. Our moms were in the Sodality together. His mom once chastised me for chatting up a little boy in church. We started in journalism together, Denis at The Washington Post as a sportswriter and Metro reporter, and me at The Washington Star as a sportswriter and Metro reporter.
This was a sure thing. I could get him to come over to my house and spill all the secrets of the jury that had convicted the highest-ranking White House official to be found guilty on a felony since Iran-contra days. Unfortunately, Denis spilled them on the way over. By the time he got to my house, he was already so overexposed he announced, “I’m sick of hearing myself talk.”
From the moment he stepped out of the courthouse and into the press mob in his green Eddie Bauer jacket, Denis became the unofficial jury spokesman, bouncing from Larry King to Anderson Cooper and “Good Morning America.” I thought there still might be enough jury dish for me until I heard him say “Huffington Post blog.”
“Blogs are the future, right?” he said, explaining that he’d already posted his diary of adventures in federal court — right down to our incestuous Catholic past, which came up in the voir dire, when he also mentioned living across the alley from Tim Russert and working at The Post for Bob Woodward, and his nonfiction book about spying and the C.I.A.
“I was the perfect storm,” he said. Instead of me milking him for information, he tried to milk me for information. He asked about the pitfalls of being in a media maelstrom. “Somebody called me up today and said: ‘Turn on Rush Limbaugh. He’s saying terrible things about you.’ ”
I asked him how he would feel if W. pardoned Scooter.
“I would really not care,” he replied. “I feel like the damage has been done in terms of his reputation and the administration’s reputation.”
And what about the calls for Dick Cheney to resign or get the boot?
“Here’s the thing: Libby followed Cheney’s instructions to go talk to reporters, but there’s no evidence at all that Cheney told him to lie about it. So the question is, was Libby just kind of inept at getting this story out?”
Posted by The Skipper
on 03/08/2007 at 11:45 AM
Filed Under: • Democrats-Liberals-Moonbat Leftists • Editorials • Judges-Courts-Lawyers • Satire •
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Permalink • Tuesday - March 06, 2007
Equal Time
In the last 48 hours, since I posted the “Faggot Poll” below, I have received 37 e-mails from homosexuals accusing me of homophobia in every way, shape and form. A few of them demanded “equal time” to explain how “hurtful” and “demeaning” the word “faggot” is to them.
However, in the interests of “Equal Time” and under the rules of the Federal Communications Act of 1934, I present the following as a counterpoint to the whole Ann Coulter “faggot” kerfuffle. Happy reading ....
Review:
Michael Thomas Ford garnered lots of laughs in 1998 with Alec Baldwin Doesn’t Love Me and Other Trials from My Queer Life. The follow-up collection of pieces from his syndicated column, That’s Mr. Faggot to You, continues Ford’s exploration of contemporary gay life. In the title essay, reports of a teenager who successfully sued his school district for failing to prevent physical and mental abuse by his classmates prompts Ford to recall his own traumatic high school experiences and leads him to recognize that, years later, “he is happier, more successful, and a great deal more attractive” than his classmates.
In other essays, he discusses the you-and-me against-the-world relationship he has with his black Labrador, proposes a new line of Christian-friendly action figures (including a Jonah and the Whale Play Set, “appropriate for bath-time use or fun in the pool"), and even manages, despite his uncertainties, to offer an adolescent nephew dating advice (concluding that “guy problems were guy problems, regardless of who the person creating the dilemma was or how many holes she or he had"). That’s Mr. Faggot to You is a humorous slice of contemporary gay life that’s bound at least to elicit a smile from any reader.
Cranky, bemused and extremely funny, Ford (Alec Baldwin Doesn’t Love Me) is brilliant even on potentially mundane topics like high school reunions ("Michael Thomas Ford is very proud to announce that he is still queer… [and] happier, more successful, and a great deal more attractive” than his former schoolmates) and the giving of advice to his 12-year-old nephew about girlfriends (it wasn’t so bad, once he mentally substituted Roberto and Jesse for Amber and Megan in the junior-high love triangle). Ford is peeved at a number of people, including Baptists boycotting Ellen, a certain senator from North Carolina and former ACT-UP leaders who now want gay men and women to be “just like everybody else.”
Posted by The Skipper
on 03/06/2007 at 05:56 AM
Filed Under: • Satire •
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Permalink • Saturday - March 03, 2007
Most Ridiculous Item Of The Week
In 1914 the Austrians accidentally stumbled into Serbia. In 1939 the Germans accidentally stumbled into Poland. In 1967 the Arabs accidentally stumbled into Israel. Now, in 2007 the Swiss are repeating these mistakes and have accidentally stumbled into Liechtenstein (where the f**k is that anyway).
Yes, the country that brought multi-function pocket knives and cuckoo clocks to the world has launched a unilateral attack on a country that is about the size of a postage stamp and whose entire military force consists of 7,700 troops - and most of them are on vacation at the moment.
We simply cannot let this terrible aggression by Europe’s Watchmakers go unpunished. America must come to the aid of Liechtenstein and drive the oppressive Swiss back to Geneva.
Over there! Over there! Send the word! Send the word over there! That the Yanks are coming ...
Swiss Army Oversteps Mark With Midnight Foray Into Liechtenstein
(AFP) - Mar 02 7:05 PM US/Eastern
Army spokesman Daniel Reist said the troop’s commander got lost in bad weather during the night-time maneuvres in the Alpine region.
They strayed some two kilometres (one mile) across the unmarked eastern border into Switzerland’s tiny and friendly neighbor on Wednesday night, he admitted.
“It was all so dark there,” one infantryman told the Swiss tabloid Blick. Having realized his mistake, the commander immediately gave the order to turn back. It was not the first time that the Swiss military has accidentally invaded the principality.
In December 1985, a winter storm interfered with an artillery exercise and blew Swiss army rockets into Liechtenstein’s protected Bannwald forest, setting it on fire.
Switzerland had to pay millions of francs in compensation, and the incident led to a lengthy dispute between the Swiss defence ministry and the principality, Blick said.
Posted by The Skipper
on 03/03/2007 at 03:50 PM
Filed Under: • EUro-peons • Satire •
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Permalink • Saturday - February 10, 2007
Obama-Rama-Shama-Lama-Ding-Dong!
The man whose middle name is HUSSEIN and whose last name rhymes with OSAMA and who is half-white, half-African and who has been in Washington as a Senator just about long enough to find an apartment and unpack his office has decided that he is the reincarnation of Abraham Lincoln and he wants to be your President. No, really. He seems to be taking himself seriously and the media loves him and he is a Democrat, not one of those E-V-I-L Republicans.
Somebody wake me when this comedy gets to the punch line. I am hereby tuning out all Democratic candidates for President until further notice. My Bullshit Meter™ is already pegged out and I need to give it a rest from all of these “pre-emptive strikes” on the 2008 Election. Besides ... I’m really hoping that all you good people will vote for me in 2008. I promise to be the reincarnation of Ronald Reagan. No, really ...
Obama Evokes Lincoln to Launch 2008 Bid
SPRINGFIELD, Ill. (MYWAY NEWS) - Feb 10, 5:46 PM (ET)
Barack Obama announced his bid for president Saturday, a black man evoking Abraham Lincoln’s ability to unite a nation and a Democrat portraying himself as a fresh face capable of leading a new generation. “Let us transform this nation,” he told thousands shivering in the cold at the campaign’s kickoff.
Obama, 45, is the youngest candidate in the Democrats’ 2008 primary field dominated by front-runner Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton and filled with more experienced lawmakers. In an address from the state capital where he began his elective career 10 years ago, the first-term U.S. senator sought to distinguish himself as a staunch opponent of the Iraq war and a White House hopeful whose lack of political experience is an asset.
“I know I haven’t spent a lot of time learning the ways of Washington. But I’ve been there long enough to know that the ways of Washington must change,” Obama said to some of the loudest applause of his 20-minute speech. Obama is looking to cap his remarkable, rapid rise to prominence with the biggest political prize of all - the presidency. His elective career began just 10 years ago in the Illinois Legislature. He lost a bid for a U.S. House seat, then won the Senate seat in 2004, a relatively smooth election made easier by GOP stumbles.
In his speech, Obama did not mention his roots as the son of a man from Kenya and a woman from Kansas, his childhood in Hawaii and Indonesia or the history he would make if elected. That compelling biography has turned him into a political celebrity. Instead, he focused on his life in Illinois over the past two decades, beginning with a job as a community organizer with a $13,000-a-year salary that strengthened his Christian faith. He said the struggles he saw people face inspired him to get a law degree and run for the Legislature, where he served eight years.
He tied his announcement to the legacy of Lincoln, announcing from the building where the future 16th president served in the state Legislature. “We can build a more hopeful America. And that is why, in the shadow of the Old State Capitol, where Lincoln once called on a house divided to stand together, where common hopes and common dreams still live, I stand before you today to announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America,” Obama said. His voice rose to a shout as he spoke over the cheers from thousands who braved temperatures in the teens.
Posted by The Skipper
on 02/10/2007 at 07:02 PM
Filed Under: • Democrats-Liberals-Moonbat Leftists • Satire •
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Permalink • The Third World
Posted by The Skipper
on 02/10/2007 at 08:55 AM
Filed Under: • Humor • Satire •
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Permalink • Wednesday - January 31, 2007
The Skipper Theorem
It’s all about the air we breathe. We’re looking at the wrong datum in our assessment of climate change. Everyone is concentrating on temperature changes and worrying about melting ice caps and flooding Florida beaches. None of you can seem to see the forest for the trees so I’m finally going to explain the real problem here and I guarantee you won’t like it but you cannot deny the facts so pay attention.
First of all, take a look at the temperature chart below. This shows the cycle of climate changes based on ice core samples from Antarctica. The evidence for a global catastrophe is right there in front of your nose. No, don’t look at the squiggly blue line. That only shows temperature variations and is merely a side effect - a symptom, not a cause.
No, the danger we face is due to the squiggly red line and that danger will cause the extinction of the entire human race unless we take immediate steps to reverse this terrible scourge. The problem is quite simply ... lack of oxygen. That’s right. Our brains are being starved of much needed oxygen due to rising levels of carbon dioxide. As a direct consequence of this brain starvation, stupidity is on the rise all over the globe. Take a look around you. Look at your co-workers and friends and family. See what I mean? They’re all nuts.
If you can’t see this plague overtaking mankind then you are probably one of the first victims of Oxygen Starvation Extinction. Don’t believe me? Consider this - why are all the really smart people dead? Hmmm? They’re all dead because they lived in the past when there was more oxygen in our atmosphere. Less oxygen today, more stupid people. There is a direct correlation.
In addition, the level of stupidity is going up as anyone can plainly see from the posts here and news stories every day. The stupid people are getting stupider and stupider and the really smart people are decreasing in number or being driven into hiding by the stupid people. I have to confess that in all modesty I am one of those surviving smart people and my days may be numbered unless ... I can convince the government to fund my research with a $5 billion grant to (a) determine the level of stupidity and how much of it is reversible, and (b) look for ways to reverse the effects of Oxygen Starvation Extinction before all intelligent members of our species die out and are replaced by Neanderthals growing in number in our midst.
I cannot stress how important this research is and the immediate need to begin looking for a solution without delay so Washington needs to hurry up and send me the grant money before we reach a critical point in the Stupidity Curve. My initial research shows we will reach the point of no return at 11:32am ET on June 22, 2007. After that there will be no hope for mankind. Contact your government representative today and apprise them of the Skipper Theorem and urge them to begin measures to fund this research.
If you are still skeptical, consider this: (1) the stupidest people are in the Middle East where there are no trees and nothing but desert - no trees, no oxygen; (2) there are no smart people in Canada where everything is covered in snow and ice - again, less oxygen; (3) the real stupid people in the US are in crowded metropolitan areas on both coasts - again, too much carbon dioxide and not enough oxygen.
Time is running out. Help me fund this research. Plant a tree today. Stock up on oxygen tanks today (do not store next to your ammo). Forget saving the whales. Lets’ save the smart people first. Never forget the lesson of the dinosaurs: they faced the same problem and were wiped out when they got real stupid and tried to fly. Only the smaller dinos succeeded in learning how to fly. The rest? SPLAT! End of story - end of species.
Posted by The Skipper
on 01/31/2007 at 10:31 AM
Filed Under: • Satire •
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Permalink • Monday - January 29, 2007
A Long Time Ago In A Galaxy Far Away
Henry Payne - The Detroit News
US Answer To Global Warming: Smoke And Giant Space Mirrors
(GUARDIAN-UK) - Saturday January 27, 2007
The US government wants the world’s scientists to develop technology to block sunlight as a last-ditch way to halt global warming, the Guardian has learned. It says research into techniques such as giant mirrors in space or reflective dust pumped into the atmosphere would be “important insurance” against rising emissions, and has lobbied for such a strategy to be recommended by a major UN report on climate change, the first part of which will be published on Friday.
Posted by The Skipper
on 01/29/2007 at 01:01 AM
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Permalink • Wednesday - November 01, 2006
Joke Of The Day
WAIKATO, New Zealand - 25 October 2006
Forzie the four-legged chicken will cluck no more. The Te Uku-bred Barnevelder chick - hatched at Marlene Dickey’s property at the start of last month - has died. But it wasn’t the extra legs that led to its death, more likely an extra anus, Mrs Dickey believes.
“He developed two bottoms and I think he got glugged up,” she said. While she was surprised by Forzie’s death - he weighed a “good pound of butter” and was gaining feathers slowly - it was not totally unexpected, she said.
And it was fun while it lasted. “He was a bit of a laugh.” Looking ungainly on its extra legs but twice as cute, the bird was an exception to the rule that chickens with defects are not normally born alive.
He was found dead on Friday and is now in the Dickeys’ freezer waiting to be stuffed. After he’s been to the taxidermist, the family plan to donate the bird to Auckland Museum.
Posted by The Skipper
on 11/01/2006 at 10:38 AM
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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:
It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.
- Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong
- Stay involved with government on every level and don't let those bastards get away with a thing
- Use every legal means to defend yourself in the event of real internal trouble, and, most importantly:
- Keep talking to each other, whether here or elsewhere
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Oh, and here's some kind of visitor flag counter thingy. Hey, all the cool blogs have one, so I should too. The Visitors Online thingy up at the top doesn't count anything, but it looks neat. It had better, since I paid actual money for it.
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