Sunday - September 19, 2004

AHOY THERE!!!!!

ARRRRRR!!  Shiver me timbers and play with me mainmast!! 

Guess what today is, lads and lasses?

It’s TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY!!!

OK, ye will need t’ play along today as BMEWS will be devoted strictly t’ pirate talk. Nothin’ else will be accepted. So put on yer pirate hat, grab yer parrot, run up t’ skull and crossbones, grab yer cutlasses and come out swingin’.

T’ rules be simple: if ye want t’ comment on anythin’ we write ye MUST do so while talkin’ like a pirate.

Blimey, mates, if ye be refusin’ t’ play by me rules, then a bilge rat ye be and a floggin’ll be too good for ye! Maybe a keelhaulin’d be the right fix for ye!

If ye be wantin’ to find yer post walkin’ th’ plank towards electronic electronic deletion, do so by not talkin’ like the pirate ye be seekin’ t’ be.  Simple enough, eh?

Ye landlubbers’d be advised t’ visit th’ site t’ git tips or ye old salts can wing it on yer own (if ye dare!)

While there, check out th’ pirate test. and see how ye rate.  A cap’n is what I be:

Some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any man that stands between them and the mantle of power. You never met a man you couldn’t eviscerate. Not that mindless violence is the only avenue open to you - but why take an avenue when you have complete freeway access? You are the definitive Man of Action. You are James Bond in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. Your swash was buckled long ago and you have never been so sure of anything in your life as in your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off their head if they show any sign of taking you on or backing down. You cannot be saddled with tedious underlings, but if one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones’ locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.

So, avast, me hearties.  Grab yer grub, hoist yer flaggon o’ grog, hoist the mainbrace, and begin talkin’ like t’ scurvy dog pirates ye bein yer hearts!

BONUS FOR LADS SEEKIN’ WENCHES

Bring yer pieces of eight to a local grog shop and say the followin’ to the lasses ye be findin’

-- Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
-- Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
-- Come on up and see me urchins.
-- Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
-- I’d love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
-- Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
-- How’d you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
-- Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
-- Well blow me down?

If all else fails, knock down a bit more grog and try this:

-- Prepare to be boarded.

Not all pirates can be old salts when it comes to lasses so if the above fails ye, try these:
-- They don’t call me Long John because my head is so big.
-- You’re drinking a Salty Dog? How’d you like to try the real thing?
-- Wanna shiver me timbers?
-- I’ve sailed the seven seas, and you’re the sleekest schooner I’ve ever sighted.
-- Brwaack! Polly want a cracker? … Oh, wait. That’s for Talk Like a PARROT Day.
-- That’s the finest pirate booty I’ve ever laid eyes on.
-- Let’s get together and haul some keel.
-- That’s some treasure chest you’ve got there.

Now fer ye lasses out there knowin’ the difference between a main mast and a jib, ye be tryin’ to find yerselves a fine buccaneer, try these fine approaches. 

10. What are YOU doing here?
9. Is that a belayin’ pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)
8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!
7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, “Cap’n Feathersword?”
6. That’s quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!
5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I’ve had a twenty percent decrease in me “lice ratio!”
4. I’ve crushed seventeen men’s skulls between me thighs!
3. C’mon, lad, shiver me timbers!
2. RAMMING SPEED!
...and the number one Female Pirate Pick-up Line:
1. You. Pants Off. Now!

ARRRRRRRR!!

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 09/19/2004 at 06:31 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
• Comments (0) • Trackbacks(0)  Permalink •  

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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:

1. Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong
2. Stay involved with government on every level and don't let those bastards get away with a thing
3. Use every legal means to defend yourself in the event of real internal trouble, and, most importantly:
4. Keep talking to each other, whether here or elsewhere

It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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