Tuesday - December 02, 2008

You could have told me

I just discovered Jeremy Clarkson. No, not sneaking into my window, writing car reviews over at the Times in the UK. Wonderful. If you like that kind of thing.

When Toyota decided to start making upmarket cars 20 years ago, it realised, rather brilliantly, that the Toyota badge wouldn’t cut much mustard and came up with the Lexus brand instead. Well, you may not realise that Nissan did exactly the same thing for the American market, creating the Infiniti.

There was, however, one big difference between the two philosophies. Toyota decided that a Lexus should be built to a standard unparalleled in the world and that the cars should drive and feel better than any Mercedes. Nissan, on the other hand, just wrote Infiniti on the back of a Datsun. In crayon. Hoping the Americans would be fooled. Which they were.

Like fancying Jordan, you can’t really own up to wanting a Focus ST. But it has obvious attractions: it’s very quick and very cheap. To drive, it takes the already good Focus and goes eight steps further up the ladder. You’d be amazed how chuckable it is. It doesn’t have quite the cachet of a Golf, though, and it’s named after a sanitary towel.

Frankly, there aren’t that many other boxes to tick. You get, as standard, multi-adjustable suspension that allows you to make the ride uncomfortable, you get climate control, you get a million bouncy castles that boing out of the dash if you hit a tree and you get a brilliant central command system that can be hooked up to your iPod. The only option I’d bother with is the smoker package. It’s only £15, and choosing it would irritate the sanctimonious bastard who decided not to fit ashtrays as standard. If they offered a chlamydia pack, they couldn’t sound more holier-than-thou.

Drawbacks? Well, the Scirocco is 97mm lower than the Golf, a point that becomes blindingly obvious every time you try to get inside. You really do have to pull your head into your ribcage if you don’t want to bang it on the roof. To get in the back, it’s best to cut yourself in half.

Once in a great while they allow him out of his cage to write about other things, like Health & Safety, or Political Correctness

A question. It’s addressed to all the equal opportunity, human rights, diet carbon, back room, bleeding heart liberals who advise the government: “I am English. Why is that a good thing?” I bet they don’t have an answer. And until they can come up with one, chances are we’ll never win at football again.

The Met Office, spurred on by the chance for a bit of bossiness, agrees that we should stay at home whenever it’s windy, and possibly move to the cellar with some soup until the all-clear is sounded

As I drove down the M20 into Kent last Monday, I noticed that most of the speed cameras had been burnt out by vandals. This is disgusting. It is ridiculous, criminal and stupid that the person who savaged these life-saving devices should target the M20… and then stop. Why did you not keep right on going? I can think of six cameras on my way home that would be immeasurably improved with a spot of petrol and a match.
...
There are many rules for the elderly in the [Highway Code]. I have one too. And here it is. Get a bloody move on!

Sure, over here we’ve got Dave Barry, and online we all have Mike Adams. But Clarkson is a bona fide contender. 

Posted by Drew458     on 12/02/2008 at 12:04 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
• Comments (3) • Trackbacks(0)  Permalink •  

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