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calendar   Thursday - June 24, 2010

Who needs Cliff Notes when you’ve got Wikipedia?

Why Mexico Hates Us

A Clarissa Drew Explains It All essay, Wikipedia driven, with only moderate amounts of elitist racism thrown in for humorous intent.

so let’s see
10,000BC - 1492 various natives spend their time stealing territory from each other. Wars of conquest are called “pressure” by historians, causing this tribe or that one to move, die, or rise to short term prominence.

1500s Spanish Conquistadors steal Mexico from the natives, and make vast land claims for New Spain, from Oregon all the way down to the southern tip of Argentina, including all the islands in the sea. They quickly set about Getting Rich Quick by raping, torturing, and murdering most of the indigenous population and stealing their gold, while hiring their cousins for every job opening that comes along. And they do the same. And so on, and so on.

1600-1700s the rest of Europe does what they can to send pirates after the Spanish in the new world. Plunder and booty, arrggh! New Spain is just as corrupt as old Spain, and a very few wind up owning most of everything. Lots of poor mestizos in certain places, few to none in most others. Few to no remaining natives either; most of them died. More than a million square miles of territory, a few hundred thousand actual Spaniards. Maybe less. Most are drunk.

1803 France needs money. France always needs money. They have some little dude in charge and he has big ideas. So Napolean sells off the entire middle chunk of North America, more than 820,000 square miles, for $15 million. And then spends the money to buy guns, boots, and beans. France is pretty much out of the New World Business at this point.

1807 Napoleon takes over most of Europe. Including Spain. Which means he now owns New Spain too, so he puts his brother Joe on the throne of Spain. Which means he’s got to deal with New Spain too. And they just left this damn hemispere! Loyalist rich folks in Mexico don’t like having a frog on the throne, but this is the fact: From 1807-1811 the entire New Spain area belonged to France. With Napoleon’s victory, they now had almost as much land in the New World than they’d just sold. And this chunk you eventually could sail to, without those pesky English in the way.

France was busy in Europe, so while they weren’t looking, Mexicans declare independance 9/16/1810. From Spain. This starts a war, primarily because the Fwench were so damn insulted by the beaners declaring independence from the wrong country that they had to shoot somebody. Meanwhile, even the Spanish were upset at being ruled by somebody called King Joe, so they start the Penninsula War. This goes on forever, and eventually leads to more than 100,000 episodes of Sharp’s Rifles on BBC4. But at least King Joe ended the Spanish Inquisition, which nobody expected. Joe abdicates and moves to New Jersey. Man, talk about a fall from grace.

Finally ousting the French in 1814, and finding themselves broke, in 1816 Spain generously gives the US several pieces of New Spain that they have no use for: Florida, western Louisiana, and a chunk of Colorado that no one had actually ever been to.

1821 Spain is back in control of Spain, but is temporarily tired of shooting people, so gives up New Spain to Mexico. Mexico isn’t sure they actually want it. What they want is to be independant, but still have the king of Spain take care of them. In other words, they are teenage girls. Spain seizes the chance to say No way Jose! for the first time and Mexico finds their own king. This junta based Empire lasts a whole 2 years.

1823 Santa Anna takes over with some other generals, with the help of a sneaky back stabbing pact called The Plan of Casa Mata. He calls his junta a Republic, calls for Hope and Change, and promises to spread the wealth around. He lied.

1830s Santa Anna notices that the United States is growing rapidly. Canada is growing rapidly. Brazil is growing rapidly. Mexico is still trying to figure out how to steal hubcaps. So he gets this idea to ask a bunch of gringos to Come On Down, it’s time to play The Price Is Right!!! and tells them, hey, lots of land, and no taxes. For 10 years!! This creates Texas. It created Texas so well that after a couple years he realises that his request for immigration is more like an invasion, so he tries to close the borders. And we know how well that works! He also changes his mind and reneges on that “read my lips, no taxes” thing. Newly minted Texans are both unhappy and out of Lone Star, so they revolt. But their numbers are too small, so Santa Anna comes in and shoots them all.

1835 This is the good part. The revolt in Texas lasts 4 long months. Santa Anna gets whupped but good by the Texicans. So he gives up, and recognizes Texas as it’s own other country. He goes home to Mexico, where they fire him. This time. But the average Pablo in Mexico doesn’t buy the deal: Santa Anna is gone, so what he said doesn’t count anymore. Mexico makes no move to try and retake Texas, because they aren’t that stupid. But that little twist in their heads is born, and it never really goes away.

1840-something. Having lots of gold somehow, and a hot date with the Westward Ho!, the US tries to buy California and New Mexico. Both areas are pretty much empty of people. Well, people that matter anyway, like white folks. Mexico is still grumpy and sore from the ass-kicking they got in Texas, so they Just Say No.

1845 After nearly 10 years, Texas realizes that they are really Americans at heart. What the heck, twice now their Republic’s President has been this guy Sam from Virginia. So they jump on the red, white, and blue bandwagon, improving both countries with one annexation. Yee ha!

1848 This annexation stuff is great! Plus, the beaners still owe all our people for that immigration dealio they reneged on. So let’s talk about that land again, bandejo. Make a Deal or we shoot!

1848 We shoot. And accidentally take over most of Mexico. We quickly give it back after finding out what happens when you drink the water. Possibly actually guilty of the dreaded American Imperialism for the first and only time, we make that land deal finally, but to our advantage. And pay for it by wiping out all the debt that Santa Anna owed our people from before. Having been perfectly happy taking the land from the natives 350 years earlier by the magical act of just walking through it once and sticking a flag in here and there, the beaners are really sore that they have now lost a whole bunch of land that they never went to or did anything with. And got paid for it with their own money that they never really had either. Nothing for nothing, and we gave them back all of their real country when we didn’t really have to. Which is a pretty good deal in those days. But this is the beginning of a new Mexican swear word, “Treaty of Guadalupe-Hidalgo”, which is right up there with “chinga su madre”.

1853 The US buys a little slice of dirt and rock from Mexico. Again, it’s empty territory. Utterly worthless land. Scorpions and coyotes and sand, oh my. This time we give them gold. Lots of it. $10 million. Don’t tell the Mexicans that most of that gold came from California, the land we got our hands on 5 years ago. And who did we deal with? Santa Anna! Back in power for the nth time, he wanted money to build up his army (sounds familiar?) to attack the US! So we sent this guy Gadsden down to talk to him with a whole trainfull of cash. We wanted that dingusy thingy hanging south off of California, because we realized even then that Baja would someday be a most excellent party spot. And toss in a couple of those northern states, just for fun. But Santa baby wasn’t selling, not even for $50 million. So we bought this little strip of land, just so we could make the borders pretty looking on the maps. And he bit. Mwaaahahahaha, we immediately put in a railroad and some hotels, just like when you play Monopoly, and promptly made millions. Residents of Baja, Sonora, Chihuahua and Coahulla are newly pissed off, because the borders have moved again and they’re still on the wrong side! Santa Anna goes back to Mexico City. Again. Where they fire him. Again.

1860-1865 Americans are too busy shooting each other to bother with Mexico. So France invades Mexico, with some help by the local rich folk who were Citizens Of The World, and highly nuanced, and were tired of the “little people” always having revolutions. The peasants ARE revolting, you know. So in 1865 they supported their fellow elitists, even if they were eurotrash. And France wins!

1867 France loses! In their ultimate wisdom they put one of those spare Hapsburg princes on the Mexi-throne. Some Maximilian dude. Who to his own surprise really liked Mexico. But he left his iron fist in Austria, so when the little people took over again, they applied the lessons they had learned from the Santa Anna revolving door. So instead of firing him, they fired AT him. No more empire!

1867-1910 Who knows? Who cares? Well, actually Mexico went through several governments and managed to do that while shooting very few people. No wait, I’m wrong. They had their own Saddam Hussein, a “democratic dictator” named Profiro Diaz. While he was good for modernizing the country and getting industry rolling, he did it by exploiting the daylights out of the peasants. And the cycle went around again, and again, finally resulting in this guy with a big hat and an even bigger mustache, Pancho Villa. This gave Willie Nelson, who was so young he was actually sober, a chance to write his first song.

1910 Mexico has a bit of a democratic revolution. With shooting. Lots of it. Pancho Villa helps support his candidate Francisco Madero by invading the United States. Huh? 100 years later and still nobody understands that one. The US sends down Blackjack Pershing (and that was his PC name, considering he had served with a certain colored cavalry unit prior to this. He learns that trucks are better than horses, Villa runs around and winds up a national hero, and Madero wins the revolution. He quickly turns out to be just as big a dick as Diaz, coining that classic Mexican expression “meet the new boss, same as the old boss”. The peasants, having lots of revolutionary experience by now, and backed by that catchy and yet annoying Abba tune, revolt again. And again. And again. Finally this guy Carranza is in charge ... and then he gets the Zimmerman Telegram.

The what? See, Carranza was a Man With A Plan. What plan? Why, he was La Hombre de La Raza Numero Uno! While the US was busy looking to the east, watching the Great War devour Europe, a certain Kaiser Bill sent his menschen down South Of The Border to do a deal. They’d do a serious Ollie North and sneak a huge bunch of American guns into Mexico, so Carranza could invade the US and take back all that stolen land that was never really theirs to begin with. And I guess the Jerrys were going to get some oil out of the deal, plus such an invasion would absolutely keep the US out of the war. What the hell, these are the same guys that turned Russia communist just to close down the Eastern Front.

Now, maybe Carranza did have a bone to pick with the US. A few years earlier we’d sort of, um, taken over one of their major cities. In a day. Again. There had been this little communications breakdown, and a bunch of our sailors had wound up in jail. Not because they were drunk and fighting on shore leave! No, they’d gone ashore to pick up some fuel, as they were allowed to do. But the place they went to was right in the middle of a battle during one of those earlier revolutions. So the Mexican soldiers arrested them. Hey, they got let out a day later, apologies all around, but our President, Wilson, a DEMOCRAT, got his nose out of joint and eventually sent the navy down to take over Veracruz. With a 100 ships and several thousand Marines to do the dirty work. Which they did, even better and faster than the army had done 70 years before that. Such a good job that the Corps wound up naming a whole training camp after the leatherneck in charge. But after letting the Marines blow some stuff up, we gave it back. Again. But it was a total bitch slap to Mexico, having to learn AGAIN that we could take over any part of their country whenever we felt like it. So he was out for revenge, and for glory. Lucky for us the English were having a grand old time cracking the Germans code. Thanks England! And that gave away the whole secret scheme. So that had to be a bit of humiliation for Mexico. For Germany too: when the news got out about the dirty deed they had tried, we pretty much declared war on them. And that. Was that.

Between then and now lots of other stuff happened too, but the pattern was carved in stone by 1917. Mostly we got the better end of things, but they did nationalize (steal) all the oil wells we’d built down there in 1938. And FDR let them get away with it. So it hasn’t been totally one sided. These days they’re getting the better of us, but at the cost of their country totally going down the toilet. At least the northern states, what with the drug wars. Maybe they should have sold them to Gadsden after all.

So Mexico has learned two things over the centuries. Rich people suck and take advantage of the peasants. And the US can smack them around at will. Whenever. Always. And in their eyes, we’re all rich. And they’re all peasants.

And Mexico is messed up, and always has been. And we aren’t. Comparatively. They suck, and we don’t. And dealing with us reminds the Mexicans just how much their country sucks, and in turn, how much they suck because even after 25 attempts they still can’t even do Mexican Revolutions right, and the rich always stay in power and the poor get screwed over. And that hasn’t changed in 500 years.

There ya go. That’s why they hate us. It’s a shame, but we’ve never really been friends with Mexico. Not like we try to be with Canada. We pretty much just wave and say “hi” and go about our business. Except when Mexico is actively being our enemy. Then we let the dogs out. But not for long. So given that history, why are we letting millions of them into our country? Why are half the violent gang members in our country from their country? And the drug thing. Doesn’t any of this count as “actively”?


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 06/24/2010 at 02:16 AM   
Filed Under: • Mexico •  
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