Monday - February 15, 2010

The Not So Great White Hunter

So I go and get some traps, and they’re really cheap. 4 for $1.96, so I bought a dozen. Take the traps and the peanut butter down there and set up shop. I had all the traps out, baited, and set, and lined up all nice. And then the entire staff there turned into diaper wetting liberal crybabies. “No, you can’t do that!” “Oh, that’s so cruel! I’m gonna call PETA!” “I’m not touching that!” “Eeew, there’s gonna be splat all over!”

I can’t believe it. Grown men. They ran and told Doctor on me. What a bunch of titty babies. Ok, call me sexist, but I can accept if the women there want no part of it. And I can also slightly accept that they wanted some kind of invisible solution. Like those $40 traps that keep the dead mouse inside, so you don’t seem them. Wish they’d told me that. But men being too squeamish for this? When all you have to do is get out the broom and the dustpan and sweep them into the trash can? Horry clap. Such a bunch of dandies.

So it turns out that no one there is going to check the traps or --eeeewww-- pick one up and dispose of a dead mouse. Not even with exam gloves on. So I have to go down there each morning. Hey, extra money for me.

I think I’ll hunt up one of those DIY Wanted Dead or Alive posters, and a picture of old Mickey. Too bad I don’t have a rubber stamp, so I could keep a dead mouse tally. If I get 5 that makes me an ace, right?

I get a phone call from the receptionist at the doctor’s office I work for.

“We have mice!! Eww Ick!! Come get rid of them!”

Mice? Are you sure it isn’t just one?

“No, we caught one in a bag last week and let him go, and now we’re seeing droppings all over the place. They were all around the coffee pot this morning. Do something!!”

Well, do you want me to use a bag as well, or would a less humane method be acceptable?

“I don’t care. Just get them out of here. We can’t have mice running around and pooping on everything the patients might be coming into contact with.”

Oh boy! I’ve got visions of caffeine crazed mice zooming around the office at 100mph. This is gonna be fun. Mouser. It’s just one more hat for me to wear.

Mus Musculus, the “little thief”, the common house mouse. If you have a crack in your foundation big enough to stick your finger in, you probably have some living in your home. And where there is one mouse, there are two. And where there are two, there are soon 50, since the little horrors can start breeding at 29 days old. Breed like rats? Hell no. Mice out breed rats 3 to 1.

I like mice. I think they’re cute. Field mice are lovely little fellows, brown on top and white underneath. I had 2 mice as pets when I was a small boy. Crossbred lab mice. We used to make mazes for them to run in, and timed them and kept the results in a log book. Hey, I had scientists as parents, what did you expect me to do? One of them lived almost 2 years, which is impressive as most mice in the wild average about 7 months.

But the wild ones are pests when they get into your home. Or your office. The mice themselves don’t do very much damage unless you’ve got an army of them inside the walls, but they poop constantly. Like 70-100 times a day, little black grains of “rice” everywhere. And if they have fleas, well, those could carry plague, right? So the mice have to go. It’s time for Mickey to die.

So I look online to see if there’s anything new in mousetraps. I don’t like the sticky kind. I think they are cruel. Catch ‘em and kill ‘em. Make it quick and sure. Good old Victor is still in business, the original mousetrap, still made from a couple bits of bailing wire stapled to a little piece of scrapwood lathe. But now they have an “easy set” version. Why? What for? The old metal tongue trap was perfectly simple to set. I could do it when I was 5. Oh, is it too sensitive? Duh, it’s a trap, they’re suppose to act that way! But you can still find them around, along with the new easy set model. And now there are aesthetic models too, where you don’t have to see the mouse. Silent models where you won’t hear him getting whacked. Electronic traps, for only $100. Holds 10 mice at once! Yeah, just what I want. 9 dead mice mouldering in a trap while I wait for the 10th one to overcome the stench and go for that bit of cheese. Nope, if I can’t take my .22 and a flashlight, I’ll set plain old Victor traps. 75¢ each when you buy a boxful.

And now there is a new contender. TomKat brand traps. I dunno. So ... this is the 21st century, I’m sure there are online reviews. There are, and every one says that the Victor is still the best thing going.

So tomorrow I’ll go by a dozen traps and head down there with a jar of peanut butter. Cheese is so 1890. Soap works too. Mice used to eat the Castile soap in the basement when I was a kid. Little pieces of apple or banana work as bait, but they don’t last. Nothing beats good old peanut butter. I prefer chunky, but I don’t think the mice really care. So I’ll set 10 around the lab, another one in the bathroom by the floor drain, and one or two up in the ceiling. I’ll check the doodies to make sure they’re small. If they are big, like 1/2” long and a bit thicker, that means rats. And rats are a whole different level of pest. For which I’ll charge a lot more money.

I’ll draw the lab guys a map, and tell them to check the trapline every day, or when they hear a snap. It’s a quick few bucks for me, but I think of it more as fun.

I’ll get them one of those big plastic boxes with the snap lid to keep all their snacks and stuff in too. And I’ll even check to make sure the mice aren’t actually living inside their cereal boxes. Which mice love to do. They might be inquisitive, but making a nest in the middle of their food supply is their idea of heaven.

Posted by Drew458     on 02/15/2010 at 09:41 PM   
Filed Under: • work and the workplace •  
• Comments (8) • Trackbacks(0)  Permalink •  

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