Monday - October 08, 2012

some early morning humor to get us going. that’s the hope anyway.

For all those not familiar with Michael Winner, he is a Brit and a former movie director, among his credits are the Death Wish series with the late Charles Bronson.
Primarily over the years since retiring from movies he became a TV personality here and is a food critic.
He is also an advocate for assisted suicide and claims his current illness has progressed and doctors say he has at most, 18 months.  He says he will make arrangements with Dignitas to end his life when the time comes, but believes as do many others, that people should be given help to die at home in their own country, rather then travel and at some expense, to another country to die. Often alone.

He has a book out now of these sorts jokes.

Calm down, dear! It’s only Michael Winner’s priceless collection of Jewish jokes
By Michael Winner

Those who suffer persecution or deprivation in their lives make jokes of their situation – and the Jews have always had a wonderful world-weary way of using put-downs.

My father had a friend called Mr Kay who lived on the sixth floor of a block of flats.

He would say to my father: ‘You know, my son is always threatening suicide. He’s threatening to throw himself out of the window.’
To which my father replied: ‘My advice is move to the ground floor.’

Hymie is the ever elusive wandering Jew. Things happen to him continually that do not happen to most of us, but Hymie bears it all with good humour. People say that such a person no longer exists.

That’s nonsense. I know lots of people who could be Hymie. And the stories they inspire are extremely funny.

Hymie tells his friend Ben: ‘I think I’m going to divorce my wife.

She hasn’t spoken to me in over two months.’

Ben considers and says: ‘You’d better think it over, Hymie. Women like that are hard to find.’

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A bank robber shoots the cashier and two customers who had seen his face. ‘Did anyone else see my face?’ he shouts. Hymie, in a timid voice, says: ‘I think my missus caught a glimpse.’
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Becky goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper says: ‘These two parrots are £300 each; this one’s £30.’

Becky says: ‘What’s wrong with the £30 parrot? Is he ill?’

The shopkeeper says: ‘Nothing’s wrong, but it’s been working in a brothel.’

Becky says: ‘Brothel, shmothel: I’ll have the £30 parrot, save £270.’

She takes the parrot home to her lovely house in Hampstead. The parrot says: ‘Stone me! Another brothel.’
Becky’s two daughters return from shopping. The parrot says: ‘Stone me! Two more prostitutes.’

Then Becky’s husband, Hymie, comes in from work. The parrot shouts: ‘Stone me, Hymie! Haven’t seen you for two weeks.’

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Hymie brings home three beautiful girls and asks his mother to guess which girl he’s fallen in love with.
‘The one in the middle,’ she says.
‘How did you know, Mama?’ asks Hymie.
‘I didn’t like her,’ she answers.
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Hymie’s taking a weekend at his house in Norfolk. He hears a shot.
A duck falls on to his potting shed roof and rolls off into his back yard.
Hymie goes to get it, when a large hunter appears and says: ‘Leave that, it’s mine.’
Hymie replies: ‘It hit my shed and fell in my yard. So it’s my duck.’
But the hunter insists.
Hymie says: ‘OK, this is what we’ll do. I’ll kick you in the groin, then you kick me in the groin. Last man standing gets the duck.’
So, Hymie goes back a few paces, takes a run and swings an enormous kick at the hunter’s groin.
The hunter screams in pain and rolls on the ground in agony. After ten minutes the hunter gets up and says: ‘Now it’s my turn to kick you in the groin.’
Hymie says: ‘Forget it. You can have the duck.’

Hymie dies and goes to Heaven where he sees the long-deceased rabbi of his synagogue, just as he was in life, old, wrinkled and with a long grey beard. On his lap is the most gorgeous blonde. Hymie says: ‘Rabbi, how is this possible? Is it the reward for a devout and ascetic life?’
The rabbi replies: ‘No, this is her punishment.’

The Italian says: ‘I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.’ The Frenchman says: ‘I’m tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.’ The Russian says: ‘I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.’ The Jew says: ‘I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.’

Travelling on the night sleeper, Hymie is sharing the cabin with a very beautiful young woman. Hymie gallantly offers her the top bunk and goes out into the corridor so that she can prepare for bed.
When he returns she is already in her bunk, so with a cheery ‘goodnight’ he gets into his and switches out the light. Some time later he hears her ask: ‘Are you still awake?’
‘Yes,’ he replies.
‘I’m feeling a bit cold,’ she says.
‘Would you like me to get you a blanket?’ asks Hymie.
‘Well,’ she replies, ‘I was rather wondering if you’d like to pretend that I was your wife?’
‘Oh, I see,’ says Hymie, ‘get your own blanket then!’
Hymie, on his deathbed, says to Becky:  ‘I want to be remembered for a long time.’
He reaches under the bed, pulls out £30,000 and says with his last breath: ‘Get a big stone.’
The next day she tells her friend Rachel: ‘Hymie gave me £30,000 for a big stone.’ Showing her hand she asked: ‘You like it?’

Hymie has come across hard times and goes to the Wailing Wall to ask God for help.  ‘My wife is ill and I need money for medicine, please let me win the lottery this week.’
The following week he’s there again. ‘My son’s school fees are due and I’ve no money to pay them, please, please let me win the lottery this week.’
The next week he’s there yet again. ‘I’ve lost my job and now I’m going to lose my home, please, please, please let me win the lottery this week.’
Suddenly God appears before him. ‘Hymie, meet me halfway,’ he says. ‘Buy a ticket!’

Posted by peiper     on 10/08/2012 at 05:30 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
• Comments (1) • Trackbacks(0)  Permalink •  

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It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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