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calendar   Tuesday - January 07, 2014

SIMON SAYS, HOW IT’S GONNA BE FOR THE UK IN 2014.

This really is for some of those UK surfers passing by who may not have seen Heffer’s predictions yet. 
And possibly ... should he have missed it .....  LyndonB .  Although I can’t imagine he did.

It is funny but .... it is also very much edited.  To read it as it was printed in the Mail,

Go Here > HEFFER PREDICTS

As is traditional at this time of year, Old Heffer brings out his trusty crystal ball.

If you thought our politicians’ behaviour in 2013 was beyond satire, read his predictions for next year…
HEFFER’S ALMANAC 2014: Three chumps pose for Cenotaph selfie, China buys Afghanistan… and Andy Murray defects to England.

By Simon Heffer

image

Nick Clegg, David Cameron, and Ed Miliband pose for a ‘selfie’ in front of the Cenotaph on Armistice Day.

They claim it shows their ‘very modern sense of respect’ for the Glorious Dead.


January:

Latvia becomes the 18th nation to adopt the euro with a promise of huge bail-outs if its economy fails.

February:
Six weeks after entering the euro, Latvia applies for a €5 billion bail-out.
Zimbabwean tyrant Robert Mugabe celebrates his 90th birthday.
To mark the occasion, he sells his country to China.
A study by an independent think-tank says the cost of HS2, the high-speed rail link between London and Birmingham, has soared to £80 billion.

March:

In the French municipal elections, Francois Hollande’s socialist party is routed, losing scores of town councils to the far-right National Front.
Bureaucrats in Brussels who, of course, have never been elected, insist that France might have to leave the EU.
The first same-sex marriages take place in Britain, with Sir Elton John going top of the charts with his new song, Kiss The Groom.

April:

The Inter-governmental Panel on Climate Change issues its fifth report, warning that the world will shortly start to overheat and melt.
China blithely ignores the findings and opens dozens of new coal-fired power stations.
Meanwhile, much of Europe endures the coldest spring in recorded history.
Eurozone countries are told by their German paymasters that bail-outs will be halted unless the affected countries agree to German-imposed rigid spending limits.
This, in effect, means the creation of the Fourth Reich, which is deeply unpopular in France where the elderly still vividly remember the last time the Germans ran the French economy.

May:
The Queen’s Speech is desperately thin, with relations between the two coalition parties so poor that they can decide on almost no proposed new legislation to put in it. MPs therefore decide to take 26 weeks’ holiday, on full pay.

The flagship infrastructure project, HS2, the high-speed rail link between London and Birmingham, has soared to £90 billion.

June:
Football’s World Cup starts in Brazil on time thanks to a late injection of Chinese money to help finish work on stadiums.
England are knocked out in the group stage, allowing the players to resume their other lucrative occupations as male models, escorts and minor celebrities.

On the 700th anniversary of the battle of Bannockburn, Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond says his country would win any rematch because the English can barely afford an army. In any case, most of the soldiers who remain are Scots.
The first same-sex divorces take place in Britain.

July:

Alarmed by the growing defection of Labour’s traditional white working-class vote to Ukip, Ed Miliband promises that if elected PM, he would lower the retirement age to 55, double the minimum wage, double welfare benefits and tax those earning over £100,000 a year at 75 per cent.

President Hollande, clinging on to power in France by his fingernails, warns him that he has already tried most of these policies - with zero success.
Instead, he urges Mr Miliband to pursue Thatcherite policies. England’s cricketers lose yet another Test series, this time to India, and the entire team checks into The Priory clinic for counselling.

August:
Marking the Great War centenary, David Cameron says the existence of the EU makes such a conflict unthinkable today. However, the French are less optimistic, having been ordered by Germany to make drastic cuts to public spending.
The latest survey puts the cost of HS2 the high-speed rail link between London and Birmingham, at £100 billion. Mr Cameron insists it will be ‘worth every penny’.

The Chinese government announces it has bought all utility and energy companies in Britain that it does not already own and plans to buy Heathrow Airport, which it will to expand to cover much of Berkshire.

September:

The Scottish referendum on independence sees a heavy defeat for the nationalists. English taxpayers’ groups (who had hoped that independence would mean an end to them having to pay the Scots around £24 billion a year in subsidies) are outraged.
They demand a recount and their own referendum on the issue.

October:

At the Tory conference, Boris Johnson attracts a larger audience at his fringe meeting about the Roman despot Caligula than David Cameron does for his keynote speech.
This is despite Boris being an hour late, having got a puncture on his bicycle.
The Lib Dems’ conference, planned for a big hall in Glasgow, relocates to a cafe round the corner, where the dozen or so remaining Lib Dems can enjoy a multi-cultural treat of deep-friend Mars Bars.
Vince Cable steals the headlines (as usual) by announcing his plans to rejoin the Labour Party, prompting puzzlement among those who thought he already had.
A video of Nick Clegg’s speech - expected to be his last as party leader - goes viral on YouTube as a cure for insomnia.


November:

Ed Balls gives a piano recital in his new role as shadow Culture Secretary, playing the easy bits of Beethoven’s 5th Concerto - the Emperor. One Tory backbench wag says: ‘It should have been the Sorcerer’s Apprentice Concerto!


December:

The Government abandons HS2 after the predicted cost reaches £120 billion.  Even the Chinese had refused to back the deal at such an absurd price.
Mr Cameron hails the U-turn as a ‘triumph for rail passengers’. Meanwhile, Jeremy Clarkson of TV’s Top Gear claims it is now cheaper to fly on executive jets from Birmingham to London.

On the anniversary of Nelson Mandela’s death, the BBC repeats all 100 programmes it had broadcast to mark his passing in 2013, and screens several dozen specially commissioned new ones.

Ed Balls, frustrated in his new job, denounces Christmas as a ‘Tory lie’ while attending a children’s performance of Pinocchio in his Yorkshire constituency.

As British troops complete their final withdrawal from Afghanistan, thousands return home to be handed redundancy notices.

The Chinese government buys Afghanistan.


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Posted by peiper   United Kingdom  on 01/07/2014 at 08:38 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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