Monday - May 26, 2008

On retiring breasts

I’m reading Feminist Mormon Housewives (Yes, Grasshopper, that’s a real blog) and stumble upon a discussion On Retiring the Breasts. Admittedly, I’ve never considered the possibility of women retiring their breasts. Intrigued, I read on…

If you were a window washer outside my gynecologist’s office earlier this week, you might have heard the following conversation:

Dr. D: Have you noticed any pain or tenderness in your breasts lately?

Me: no

Dr. D: Any lumps or unusual swelling?

Me: no

Dr. D: Any changes in them since I saw you last year?

Me: They’re half the size they were when you saw them last year.

Dr. D: Well, they’ve worked hard, give them a break.

Egads! They’ve worked hard? They’re half the size? What did this?

I weaned Maren about three months ago.

Okay, she’s just retiring from breastfeeding.

So now that I’ve weaned what will be, in all likelihood, our last baby (although I haven’t given up hope that he’ll give in, the whole Boston Marathon thing has put the relentless begging on hold for a few months), I keep wondering what the purpose of these old breasts of mine is for the next, well, potentially sixty years of my life. When they were young and new, they looked good, and maybe even helped me in the pursuit of a partner. Then, on and off for the last eight years, they’ve sustained four lives. But now what?

What indeed. 

Articles like this make me realize how easy I have it being a man. Men don’t have to worry about when to retire various body parts.

When (if?) you read the article, don’t neglect the Comments section. The comments are a hoot. For example:

A friend told me an awesome story about how she was holding her baby boy in her arms right out of the shower and suddenly he reached over, said “ping!” and flicked her nipple. That was when she decided it was time to “retire” her breasts!

Or

I have fantastic breasts. I’m just sayin’. (Not as fantastic as Janet’s, however…which nearly goes _without_ saying…)

However, mine are surgically altered. I had reduction surgery when I was a teenager, and I have honestly never done anything to my body that has continued to be so personally worthwhile. I was miserable about them before then, as well as seriously hampered by them. Nothing worse for an on-the-go, seriously athletic tomboy than ginormous boobs. Seriously.

My surgery, however, has made it unlikely that, should I ever have children, I will be able to breastfeed them. I’m honestly not sure how I feel about that. Maybe it means I will someday wish I’d chosen otherwise, but I doubt it. It almost certainly means that I’ll never feel that a physical part of me has been “retired.” Which I can’t help but feel is a good thing.

Besides, Shelah, don’t you plan to go on enticing your mate with them far into the future?

I think I’ll go see if my wife wants to ‘entice’ me. 

Posted by Christopher     on 05/26/2008 at 07:47 AM   
Filed Under: • Fun-Stuff • Medical •  
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