Thursday - June 02, 2011

Oh joyous day

Our exposure to the original pyramid started way back in 1992. And the problems with it started immediately. Despite many millions of taxpayer dollars being spent on public education, few people could make sense of what this icon was trying to tell them. 11 servings of carbs per day? 8 servings of fruit and veg? How many meals am I supposed to be eating? Always eat four times as much bread as you do meat, and eat just as much cheese as you do meat! No wonder we’re a nation of fat people! All of this was based on a 2,000 calorie diet, which is probably quite a bit more than most people who are not doing physical labor actually need. Confusion was rife, and the solution was to just ignore the damn thing, except for the kids who had to memorize it and submit crayon drawings of the thing in their government indoctrination sessions grade school classes.

At some later point, 2005 actually, government, as is its want, distributed a new pyramid, called MyPyramid, that was the result of years worth of government study and many millions more dollars of taxpayer money. And, naturally, the new MyPyramid was almost completely worthless:

Almost completely worthless. It did get rid of the utterly nebulous “servings” and replace them with actual portion sizes, and it did make reference to getting some kind of physical exercise. But the pyramid concept was still faulty since this MyPyramid thing seemed to imply that the result of exercise was to not eat any food at all. And then it went all diverse and retro, including a special Chinese pyramid built in the old Food Pyramid style ... because Chinese food apparently is not made from grain products, vegetables, fruits, oils, meats, or milk. And what about that great swath of lactose intolerant people in our society (black folks)?? This new pyramid is just like that old pyramid: it’s raaaacist! It’s out to kill the Black Race by forcing them to eat dairy, thus giving them never ending diarrhea. And it’s foodist too! What’s a poor Vegan to do?

So today, finally, after many more years of government study, and many more millions of taxpayer dollars, the new eating guideline icon will be released. Rumor has it that it will not be a pyramid at all. Rumor has it that it will be some kind of plate icon. Gosh, I can hardly wait. It will be the Story of the Day for a short time, then will be relegated to the sides of cereal boxes just like the other ones, and Americans will go right back to ignoring it, except for when the kiddies have to draw the dumb thing in school. Tax money well spent, as usual.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture is planning to swap in a plate icon for the food pyramid this week, an individual familiar with the new guidelines told CNN Saturday.

The new image, expected to be unveiled Thursday, is meant to help remind Americans to make healthy food choices.

“We presume that it will be divided into sections that will show you how much of different types of foods you should be eating,” said Elizabeth Cohen, CNN senior medical correspondent, about the plate image.

The USDA said in a statement this week that the new food icon would be “part of a comprehensive nutrition communication initiative that provides consumers with easy-to-understand recommendations, a new website with expanded information, and other tools and resources.”

And you know, we have First Lady Michelle Obama to thank for much of this. Her amazing “Git yo lazy fat ass off da couch and git outside” “Let’s Move” program spearheaded this effort and got both taxpayer funded scientists and unionized indoctrinators educators involved in finding a better solution. Unfortunately, the “Let’s Move” slogan’s alternate use has had no positive impact on the real estate market at all, which has continued to stagnate and depreciate throughout the entire Obama reign.

This decision was made after the 2010 US Child Obesity Task Force called for a better tool representing the current dietary guidelines. They haven’t released the official version of what the newbie will look like, however rumors state it will be in the shape of a dinner plate. This fresh idea has the potential to be widely useable and liked by professionals in a nutritional and clinical setting.

The official release of the new icon appearance will be on June 2, 2011. A live feed will be streamed at http://www.usda.gov/live. All the details will be posted at http://www.cnpp.usda.gov.

So grab a fork and get ready for some real excitement, and stay tuned to your government website for the big unveiling. It’s for your own good you know, so stop questioning their authority.

Wow, that makes life so much easier. There’s no room there at all for fats of any kind, not even olive oil. Cut the fat, salt, and sugar. Eat more whole grains. Eat less overall. Or, as 30 Rock fans know, as Kim Jong Ill would say “You have had enough food today. You are full.”

Thank God it doesn’t say anything about getting any exercise. Phew, for a minute there I was worried I’d have to work up a sweat doing the now-mandated celebratory Snoopy Dance ...

Posted by Drew458     on 06/02/2011 at 09:21 AM   
Filed Under: • Fine-Dining • Nanny State •  
• Comments (6) • Trackbacks(0)  Permalink •  

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