Monday - March 29, 2004
Now You Know, Part II
Surprise! This is our 500th post. Celebrate! Celebrate! In honor of this momentous event, I have decided to present to you "Now You Know, Part II: Why Do Moonbats Bark?" The first part was published a month ago and was entitled "Now You Know, Part I: What Is A Moonbat". You can read it here. If you're ready for the second installment in the Now You Know series, then just click on the little button below (mix yourself a few good drinks first .. we don't want to scare you).Why Do Moonbats Bark?
(stirring my seventh Margarita) Welcome back, boys and girls. I hope you enjoyed the explanation about what a Moonbat really is. Today we explore the second part of our little discussion. Why do these little freaks bark? To begin with, let’s examine why the Moonbat’s animal ancestors actually bark.
Technically speaking, bats don’t bark. They do something called ”echolocation” which is just a fancy way of saying that the little bastards “bark”. Why do bats bark? I’m glad you asked. It’s their form of radar. Yep, you know .... ping .... ping .... ping .... UP PERISCOPE! Really, these beasts fly around with absolutely no eyesight at all. “Blind as a bat” is no laughing matter, kids. The little winged rodents can’t see squat. However, they have this nifty radar receptor in their ears and some sort of on-board computer (not OnStar) that tracks the pings and tells them where they are and how soon it will be before they bang their nasty little heads against the ceiling. SPLAT!
Seriously though, they rarely, if ever bang their little heads because they keep up a constant barking (pinging) and their little radar dishes are constantly seeking out the best signals, i.e., the ones from farthest away. These signals are best because they tell our blind skypilot that in that direction is wide open spaces which is much better than a cave wall up side of their pointy little heads.
Now, as we mentioned before a Moonbat is the human personification of these night travelers. Their brains have descended the evolutionary ladder until they take up the attributes of their ancestors .. the bat. They exhibit lunatic tendencies (from the Latin: “luna” meaning “moon") but they also inherit certain traits of the bat. One of these traits is the habit of “echolocation”, or “barking”.
Why do these Moonbats bark? Most of them have good eyesight so why do they need radar? Shhhhhhh ... this is a deeply guarded secret, known only to a few ancient Egyptian priests in The City Of The Dead and my maid Juanita.
Like the bats, these Moonbats make a barking sound. It is not intended as communication but as a sounding device. You see, these Idiotarians Who Walk The Earth inhabit a mental place called “La-La-Land” that is far removed from reality. They spout meaningless drivel constantly in an attempt to find their way back to reality. These seemingly incoherant syllables are merely intended to determine the exact distance they are from rational people.
It works like this: if a Moonbat barks and he/she suddenly finds himself flat on his or her ass with a sore jaw and a black eye, he/she knows that he/she was way too close to a righteous, God-fearing, intelligent Conservative and must back away or call the ACLU for assistance. Unfortunately, the ACLU is even blinder than most Moonbats and tends to fly in circles sniffing for the smell of anti-PC behavior and ready at a moment’s notice to issue its hideous cry of “LAWSUIT! LAWSUIT!”. I know. It is a terrible sound to hear, especially in the dead of night.
Normally though, Moonbats tend to stay in the company of fellow Moonbats. This is sad because they simply echo each other’s barks and stray even further from reality. They never seem to go entirely away back to La-La-Land. No, I’m sorry to say that there is some sort of magnet that draws them back to reality-conscious people, especially when times are tough and real people start thinking that maybe reality ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. This weakness in The Force causes the Barking Moonbats to come circling back around barking more nonsense and cluttering up the air with anti-reality static.
What can you do to help these poor creatures? I herewith offer you three methods of handling our poor brain-dead brethren:
1- Talk to them gently and try to use lots of logic.
2- Point out facts and remind them that they are (almost) human.
3- By all means, do not let their senseless babbling get to you. Ignore all noises they make.
And if all else fails ........
PUNCH THEM IN THE NOSE!
on 03/29/2004 at 06:13 PM
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