Thursday - December 11, 2008

If I cook it they will run

I tried my hand at making Swedish Meatballs for dinner tonight. I faithfully followed the recipe in the Joy of Cooking cookbook. Page 723! And it sucks. The gravy comes out Ok, but the meatballs are pretty much tasteless. I hate when typos get into cookbooks. I Googled up a few recipes on the ‘net, and most of them look just as awful. They all have at least one screwed up or missing ingredient. One calls for FIVE CANS of condensed milk. Another neglects to include any meat. Give me a break already.



The Joy Of Cooking Flavor-Free Swedish Meatballs

meat mix:
3/4 lb ground beef
3/4 lb ground pork
2/3 cup bread crumbs
1 cup water
butter
2 egg yolks
1 tablespoon minced onion
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp black pepper
1/4 tsp allspice
1 tsp salt

sauce:
flour
2 cups beef stock

makes 90 meatballs



You can tell right away something is wrong here. This recipe must have been put together by someone allergic to taste. 1 tablespoon of onion? Oh come on. 1/4 teaspoon of allspice? For 90 meatballs? Sheez. And notice that there is no sour cream/milk/condensed milk/condensed cream of mushroom soup to make the gravy with. Funny, just about every other Swedish Meatball recipe out there uses it, including the world famous IKEA recipe:

IKEA gravy:

* 100ml cream
* 200ml beef stock
* soy sauce
* 1 tbsp white flour
* salt, white pepper

Nope, not The Joy of Cooking tasteless food

So away we go ... melt a little butter, soften up the onions [Drew: next time, chop up a whole frickin onion. 1 tablespoon of minced onion is only 1/4 of 1 slice. Maybe they meant dried onion?]
bread crumbs in bowl, add water, let sit.

Measure out spices, separate eggs. [what am I supposed to do with 2 eggs whites??]

Put everything in a big mixing bowl and have at it with the power mixer for several minutes. The mix gets just about fluffy after 5 minutes on High, which is what you want. Hey, I get fluffy after 5 minutes on High too, but those days are behind me.

Heat half a stick of butter in a big frying pan. Slowly. When the bubbles stop forming it’s hot enough. Turn the oven on to about 325.

Form the meatballs using either the “2 spoons and some cold water” method, or the “just grab a little baby squeeze of meat from the bowl with your fingers, and then a fast dip in a bowl of water and ball it up” method, . Keep them small. Really small. Quarter sized or less. This recipe should make 80-90 meatballs! Fry them up 2 dozen at a time ... set up a production line:

While heating the butter in the frying pan, turn out a dozen meatballs. Butter done bubbling? Good, it’s ready to go. Set heat to medium.
Put the meatballs in to fry. You want them to sizzle gently. This isn’t Burger King.
Make another dozen
Turn the meatballs in the pan
Add the new batch to the pan
Make another dozen
Remove the first dozen from the pan, put on paper towels on a big plate
Turn the second dozen
Add the third dozen
make another dozen
Remove the second dozen from the pan, put on paper towels on the big plate
Turn the third dozen
Make another dozen
[lather, rinse, repeat. You get the idea]

When all the meatballs are cooked ... c’mon, scrape that bowl, you know you can make another meatball from the little meat bits stuck to the sides ... transfer them from the big plate to a baking dish in the oven. Turn off the frying pan. [ you did use a non-stick pan, right? Good! ] Scrape all the greasy goosh in the pan loose with a rubber spatula. Leave it in the middle of the pan.

Add 2-3 tablespoons of flour to the buttery grease in the pan. Stir it around, then turn the heat back on low. Let the mess cook for a couple minutes while you open up two 14oz cans of beef broth, or one 24oz can of beef stock [ huh, I never knew there was a difference. Beef Stock is much tastier! ] Add a bit of stock to the pan and whisk away. Hey, we’re making gravy now! Keep adding stock a little at a time until each new splash comes back to a boil. Cook it gently for about 5 minutes.

If the gravy goes all lumpy, pour the whole damn thing into a Magic Bullet mini-blender and vvvvvrrrrrrriiiiiiinggg! Instant smoothness, no lumps. I won’t tell if you won’t.

Pour gravy over meatballs, let cook for 10 minutes in the oven. Turn meatballs over, let cook some more. Serve over noodles or whatever.

And the verdict is .... these things suck. Tasteless. Bland. Needs a ton of salt and lots more onion and lots more spice.

Next time, double the amount of spices. Add a big shot of pepper to the gravy. Use the whole damn egg, not just the yolk. Make the gravy, then add about a cup of sour cream or 1/2 cup of heavy cream or half ‘n half. Try adding a few shakes of cinnamon to the meatball mix, along with a little ginger and a dash of ground cloves. Not sure cardamom would work, but the Norskis use it in everything else so maybe. I’d think about adding a splash of Worcestershire sauce and maybe some cayenne or paprika to the gravy as well. Maybe another tablespoon of minced onions if I’m feeling daring. And some salt. Or at least I won’t pick up “reduced sodium” broth next time by accident.

So I guess I will be eating meatballs for the next few days. Hey, worst comes to worst, I have lots and lots and lots of hot sauce in the house.

Oy vey. And there is no beer here either. Damn.

Posted by Drew458     on 12/11/2008 at 08:49 PM   
Filed Under: • Fine-Dining • Stoopid-People •  
• Comments (6) • Trackbacks(0)  Permalink •  

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