Tuesday - January 18, 2011

gorebal warming is what destroyed the roman empire, or , who’s on first?

Not my day yesterday what with some disorganization. Brought on by myself. I have this unique filing system wherein nothing is really filed. Which means I’m lost much of the time.
So, yesterday (or it could even have been the day before), I came across a wild theory with regard to Climate Change or maybe Global Warming. See? I don’t even remember the headline cos I can’t find the damn file labeled Al Bore. I only remember it was all about how the Roman Empire was brought down by Global Warming, and not what we were taught.  Well to be honest I then forgot about it until this morning when I opened our Daily Mail and read Richard Littlejohn.
So now I not only have the subject back and have even beaten Drew to this wild and crazy thing .... I can share the laff with all BMEWS cos Littlejohn is right on the mark with this subject.

So without further delay .....

Titter ye not, it’s an Inconvenient Sooth

By Richard Littlejohn
Last updated at 8:14 AM on 18th January 2011

According to the historian Edward ­Gibbon, the decline and fall of the Roman Empire was brought about largely by the ­decadence and arrogance of the ruling elite. Now a new theory has been put forward by modern scientists. They blame, wait for it, ­climate change.

In an article for the magazine ­Science, a group of eminent academics writes: ‘Increased climate variability from AD 250-600 coincided with the demise of the Western Roman Empire.

‘Distinct drying in the third ­century paralleled a period of ­serious crisis, marked by barbarian invasion, political turmoil and economic dislocation in several provinces of Gaul.’

Funny, I don’t remember global warming being mentioned in relation to the fall of Rome when I was at school. If this is true, it will have profound implications. We’ll have to rewrite Up Pompeii, for a start.

We go over now to ancient ­Londinium, where Lurcio, played by Frankie ­Howerd, is addressing the Forum.

The prologue. Friends, ­Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. Blimey, this toga’s chafing like mad. For Juno’s sake, stop tittering at the back. Peasants.

It must be, what, XV years since I was last in Londinium. Doesn’t ­tempus fugit?
I have been sent here from ­Pompeii with my master, Silvius Berlusconus, who is attending a Symposium on climatus changus — what we used to call in Rome ‘the weather’.

It has been convened by the pro-consul of Britannicus, Callus Davus. You know, tall bloke with the prominent proboscis Romanus, married to the lovely Samanthus. Yes, I bet you would, sir.  (for our American readers, David Cameron, Brit Prime Minister)

Anyway, we had to get out of ­Pompeii sharpish, owing to the eruption of Mount Vesuvius, which covered the city in volcanic ash and grounded every ox-cart from here to Icelandus. Typical, isn’t it? One ­volcano and the whole of the Roman Empire comes to a standstill.

We would have been here months ago, but for the record snowfalls in Gaul and the thick ice on the ­English Channel. So much for globus ­warmus. My toga wasn’t the only thing which froze solid, I can tell you. Talk about brass monkeys.

Now then, where was I? Oh, yes. Much water has passed over the aqueduct since I was last here.

It seems Callus Davus has been consulting the Gods and come to the conclusion that the barbarians are the least of our problems.

The empire is at grave risk, so he says, not because of trouble in ­Germanicus, or the uprising in Northern Gaul, but because of the threat from the heavens.

In Rome, the mercury hit XL degrees Celsius this year. It was so hot they had to cancel the annual orgy. I did try to point out that it gets hot every summer, but no one wanted to listen.

The Senate had just been to see a new play at the Colosseum, An Inconvenient Sooth, by Senator Al Gorus, which ended with a polar bear being sacrificed on a block of ice.
Normally they sacrifice a few ­vestal virgins, but my master ­Silvius ­Berlusconus said he had a better use for them. No, listen. ­Titter ye not!

Anyway, all Rome is now in a blind panic. They shut the Roman baths and switched off the Trevi Fountain to conserve water. You wouldn’t believe the pong. Like a Greek wrestler’s jockstrap, I can tell you. No, you’ll just have to take my word for it, missus.

So we have come to Londinium to study the methods of your mayor, Borus, in combating climatus changus.

In order to curb harmful emissions from horse-drawn conveyances, a congestion charging zone has been ­established between Ermine Street in the east and Watling Street in the west.

All carts and carriages entering Londinium must pay a tribute in coin to the mayor. I don’t know what he’s doing with the money, mind. Not spending it on the roads, that’s for sure. I’ve never seen so many potholes.

And we’ve already got record hay prices, not that it’s done much to cut down the, er, exhaust droppings in Bishopsgate. Gets right in between your open-toed sandals.

As for this hole in the ozone layer, whatever that is, who cares? If you ask me, it’s no bad thing, this globus warmus. I’ve just had a cheeky little wine from a vineyard next to ­Hadrian’s Wall. It used to be so freezing up there, they couldn’t grow a thing.

Don’t tell my master, but I reckon this climatus changus racket is just another excuse for putting up taxes and pushing the populus around. They’re even throwing people to the lions for putting their vegetable scraps in the wrong urn.

Woe, woe and thrice woe!

So I said to myself: Francis, it’ll end in tears, mark my words. People won’t put up with it. The Earth will be around a lot longer than the Roman Empire.

Anyway, must dash. Here comes my master now, with a couple of ­vestal virgins in tow. He’ll be off to the Temple of Viagra. At his age, too. He kids himself those laurels hide his bald patch.

I’ve got an appointment with a seamstress in Savilus Row. This toga’s on its last legs. I’m getting one made in that new fabric: Gore-tex.

Gore-tex, missus. Geddit? Oh, well, please yourselves.

more littlejohn here

Posted by peiper     on 01/18/2011 at 11:44 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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