Friday - May 16, 2008

Friday Night Booze Bloggging

Ok, I know better than to hit the keyboard after a cocktail. Or two. But I would like to say that I am against the recent American trend to call anything in a cone shaped glass a martini. Chocolate martinis. Vodka martinis. Et cetera. Balderdash!! A proper martini is made with GIN. LOTS of GIN. And a little dry vermouth. But the problem with a classic martini like that is, if you don’t get the vermouth ratio exactly right, you wind up with a glass full of vile. Which is probably why we have so many damned alternate drinks, overflowing with sugar, calling themselves martinis.

Well, good old Drew has figured it out for us poor Americans. The real problem all this time has been the vermouth. Until a month or so ago, I didn’t even know there were other brands than Martini & Rossi. Well, I’ve learned. Let me tell you something: Martini & Rossi sweet vermouth is pig piss. It is VILE. There is a better way, and here it is:

Get a bottle of your favorite gin. Put it in the freezer. I’m hoping your favorite gin is Hendricks, Bombay, Beefeater, or one of the interesting London Dry Gins you can find if you look hard enough. If you are a Tony Sinclair fan, and your gin is Tanqueray, I don’t want to talk to you. Battery acid mixed with nail polish remover. Better to drink pig piss than that.

The secret to a decent martini is getting some decent dry vermouth. As much as I hate to say it, you want the fwench stuff. Noilly Pratt. Get a bottle and keep it in the fridge. That’s all there is too it.

Ice cubes made from spring water, or filtered water. Put 6 in a cocktail shaker. Take your gin out of the freezer and pour in a goodly amount. Don’t be a cheap bastard, add a little more! Now get the Noilly out of the fridge, and have a good swig. That’s right, that’s how good this stuff is. You can drink it straight from the bottle and it won’t peel the lids off your eyeballs like that eye-T rot will. Unscrew the cap, and pour out half a capfull. Now drink off part of it. Add the rest to the shaker. Put on the cap. Shake shake shake, shake your booty. Shake shake shake, shake your booty. Is your hand frozen from holding the shaker? Good, It’s mixed. Now add 2 queen sized olives to a clean martini glass. Not 5. Not 1. Fuck that onion on a skewer bullshit. 2 queen sized green olives. Manzanilla if you can find them in that size. With the bloody bit of pimento. And if a few drops of olive juice gets in, that’s Ok. Pour. Look at that. Perfection in a glass. Now chug it you bastard! No, just kidding. But let’s face it, a proper martini is just good camoflague (fuck it, I’ve had two. I can’t spell anymore) for doing shots of hard liquor. So don’t be a panty waist and sip, chat, eat, sip. The idea is to knock one or two back RIGHT NOW, have a smoke, and let the cares of the day evaporate.

That’s what a proper martini is.

This is NOT a martini:

1 1/2 shots chocolate liqueur
1 1/2 shots creme de cacao
1/2 shot plain or vanilla flavored vodka
2 1/2 shots half-and-half

Roll the edge of the martini glass in chocolate syrup and then roll it in sugar.

Chocolate martinis. Gak. Peiper, give me some proper English for how swishy that one is.

Posted by Drew458     on 05/16/2008 at 08:10 PM   
Filed Under: • Miscellaneous •  
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