Friday - November 21, 2008
Strange News And Gossip
Ok, it looks like it’s one of those mornings. Nothing but weird out there today, and the weird part of that is that not much of the weird seems worth more than a sentence or two. And that means it’s the kind of day for a total mash-up style post ... let’s see what happens.
Well, it’s a toss up. Or a cookie tosser. Your choice. Which is the bigger GAK story of the day, Hillary or Ashlee?
Hillary Clinton will be our next Secretary of State. So my guess is that our foreign policy is going straight back to poll driven popularity and do-nothinism, with stronger support for all the petty socialist tyrants around the globe. Wonderful. I guess the “compassionate conservative” failed policies of the Bush administration are going straight into the crapper.
Speaker of crapper, Ashlee “who the hell is this and why is she on the news” Simpson-Wentz gave birth to her child. And then named it Bronx Mowgli. Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Send that kid straight to the short bus, his life is ruined. Instant trailer trash, “BMW” is pretty much doomed from the start. And if he ever has any friends, he’ll just be plain old “BM”. Ain’t that the shit?
Another tie in the oddball news are these two stories, each filed under the “why are you doing this to me?” category ...
Of the 300 or so people that have been appointed to the Obafuhrer’s Army of Transition, 7 of them are openly gay.
Three of the seven gays named to the transition panels — businessman Fred P. Hochberg, former San Francisco Supervisor Roberta Achtenberg, and labor attorney Elaine Kaplan — held high-level positions in the Clinton administration.
...
The other openly gay members named to the transition review teams, in addition to Hochberg, Achtenberg, and Guest, include Rick Stamberger, president and CEO of SmartBrief, Inc., an online news publisher; Brad Kiley, an official with the Washington-based Center [of Research][/snark] for American Progress think tank; and Thomas Soto, co-founder of Craton Equity Partners, a large “clean technology” investment fund based in Southern California.
It doesn’t matter that several of these folks are leftovers and recycles from the Clinton Era. No. The news story is that they’re gay. Just like that idiotic judicial decision with Eharmony yesterday, it looks like we’re going to have Gayness shoved down our throats whether we want it or not. Gay executives, gay media, gay research, gay investments. That’s the kind of Change we’ve all been Hoping for.
Proto-humans had big floppy feet! Now, this is the story that’s going to make my day go better. It totally changes my outlook on life! But more importantly, were they gay? Who did their shoes? Tell us the important part!!!
Our ape-like ancestors might have walked like today’s gibbons, whose super bendy feet give them a floppy strut.
So they hadn’t even invented rocks yet, but they had the Pimp Roll down pat. Hmmm. In it’s own way, this is pretty gay news after all.
I tell ya, it’s a day full of contrasts and comparisons. A regular Ying-Yang situation, teetering over the abyss, trying to find a little balance. And that little segue let’s me use this graphic, which I hope my UK readers will just cherish:
Letting the see-saw rock back the other way, we have this amazing news: Michael Jackson has become a muslim! I guess he was reading about those 9 year old brides again. You betcha, now he will be known as Mikaeel, and has renounced his Jehovah’s Witnessing. Read all about it in the UK Sun, who wins the daily prize of free caulk for Most Atrocious Headline with their coverage in The Way You Mecca Me Feel.
Speaking of scary faces, not willing to be outdone by Whacko Jacko, and hoping to put the proper spin on the news for once, researchers in Poland have announced that they’ve found the actual grave of the actual early astronomer Copernicus! They dug up his old bones, gave them a good scan, and got out the Wishful Thinking computerized make-a-face machine and have declared that this is the face of Early Renaissance Science:
No word on whether this is the face of living Copernicus or dead Copernicus. It’s your call. Anyway, they found his grave in the uniquely named town of Frombork. Which lets me wave the Happy Birthday banner at another odd person, icelandic elf molester, extraterrestrial, and singer Bjork, who turns 43 today. Naming herself after the noise male walruses make going over sharp rocks, Bjork was doing Bai Ling (not that way you perv) before Bai Ling had her first pair of barbed wire and duck feather heels.
Stepping onto the jetway after landing the astral plane, we have another NewsFight, a veritable battle of the depressing bands with the next two stories, and no way to connect them. Yet.
More news on The One’s picks for Two Three and Four, including putting “Crappy Nappy” Arizona Governor Janet “Borders? We doan need no steenkin boarders!” Napolitano into the lead slot at Homeland Security. It looks like Obarry is going to undo 8 years of Bush and 225 years of America just as fast as he possibly can. It’s really amazing how his campaign promise of “new faces in DC” really means bringing back as many Clintonistas as he can find. Does he have a job for Bill and Chelsea too?
Meanwhile back in africa, the mayhem continues in the Congo, and this continues to not be news. Tribalism at it’s worst, another former colony continues to be another failed state, and the lawless animals who live there continue their descent into heartless violent tribalism.
About 80 miles (130 kilometers) and a world away from Goma, the regional capital, the town is one of several perched across lush pastoral hills that was denuded of its inhabitants and ruled by extraordinarily unruly government troops since last week.
In this lawless corner of Congo, there are no police. There is no fuel, and no electricity. Terraced fields of precious beans and maize are untended. Shops stand empty. Children are not going to school.
...
The U.N. Security Council, meanwhile, agreed to send 3,100 more peacekeepers, boosting the 17,000-strong Central African mission. Though already the U.N.’s largest, the force has been heavily criticized for failing to stop the violence.
Sadness. Some things are incurable. Some things just can’t be improved. The only way to get these people past their stone age outlooks would be to sneak them across the border into the US and get them all jobs as taxi drivers in New York City. Hey, maybe there is a connection between the two stories after all!!
But wait, there’s more. In a nearly instant update, this just in! (sorry no opposable tale for balance this time)
Radical jihadiis will save the West from Somali pirates! Islam to the rescue!! Woo Hoo!!!
And just to wrap things up, we have two competing images. Both tawdry. Both idiotic. But both somehow insightful at the metaphysical philosophy level, unless you usually start your day with a couple of good bong hits, in which case they could actually be funny. You pick the “winner”.
Exhibit “A”: Madonna goes out in public wearing the front lawn. Nobody explained to her what “going green” really meant, did they?
Exhibit “B”: Surrealism at it’s finest. Or maybe an example of “transgressive junk food”? It’s a portrait of Britney Spears, made from grease stains, Cheetos and Velveeta. Now, that’s deep.
Posted by Drew458
on 11/21/2008 at 10:53 AM
Filed Under: • Miscellaneous •
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