Spam From Outer Space
He might make a pro forma protest, Skip, but he never has much to say unless there’s a good prospect of loot involved.
NIGCOMSAT! Oh God!!! Sounds like a line from a Mel Brooks movie!! Will Robert “Sheets” Byrd comment on such a thing?
When will there be a REDNECKCOMSAT or a GRINGOCOMSAT? Seems only fair and balanced.
Perhaps a BEANERCOMSAT? What about CHINKCOMSAT? The Canadians would would launch HOSERCOMSAT, while the French contribution would be FROGCOMSAT or CHEESEEATINGSURRENDERMONKEYCOMSAT.
The possibilities are almost endless.
Posted by MAJ Mike
07/03/2005 at 12:24 PM
o.k., I was like, “Cuba’s gonna build a satellite for Nigeria?” WAIT A MINUTE - you said commie SUPERPOWER, that makes more sense.
Whatever. I have no idea why Nigeria needs a satellite for anything. They can’t get their shit together enough to feed their own people, much less have a state-of-the-art telecom system, or even a state-of-yesterday’s-art telecom system, for that matter.
I work with one Nigerian guy, he’s nice. He has an expression that he uses when he agrees with you on something - he’ll look at you all stern and say, “You see?” instead of “I know what you mean” or something. I think that’s pretty funny. I even started using it too.
Every time I hear that name “NIGCOMSAT”, I have an uncontrollable urge to bust out laughing.
NIGCOMSAT!
NIGCOMSAT!
NIGCOMSAT!
NIGCOMSAT!
NIGCOMSAT!
NIGCOMSAT!
“Houston, we have a problem. NIGCOMSAT on collision course!”
Somebody alert The Ventures. We need a new release of “Telstar”, renamed for the new satellite.
Memo to Skipper: no one will remember that record from the late 50’s. It had the greatest guitar riffs ever recorded but no lyrics.
C’mon, OCM. Surely you remember them. Bunch of white guys who recorded instrumental guitar rock in the late 50’s and 60’s. In addition to “Telstar”, “Apache”, Perfidia”, “Wipeout” (which became a classic), they also recorded and sold a million copies of the theme to “Hawaii 5-0”.
Book ‘em, Danno!
DING-DING-DING! OCM wins the prize! Yes, it was the only word in the song! The rest was driving guitars and a mean drum solo.
Anyone still remember the hot chick in the gold bikini on the “Ventures’ Greatest Hits” album cover. I think I bought the album mainly for the cover.
Wonder whatever became of her?
Phoenix isn’t old enough to have posed for it.
Posted by MAJ Mike
07/03/2005 at 05:22 PM
Skipper, if memory serves, “Telstar” was brought out by the Tornadoes and covered by the Ventures later on; “Wipeout” was originally by the Surfaris. “Perfidia,” a classic rhumba, goes back to the big-band era (BIG BANDS FOREVER!!!!) and in fact, you can hear it in Casablanca.
The Ventures’ breakthrough (and signature) tune is “Walk, Don’t Run.”
“Telstar” and “Apache” make good rhumbas, and I use it as such in my ballroom dance performances. “Telstar” fits well in a Mancini jazz arrangement. “Apache” is difficult to adapt to keyboards, though.
GLENN MILLER FOREVER!!!! Happy 4th of July:
“Don’t sit under the apple tree
With anyone else but me,
Anyone else but me,
Anyone else but me....”Pros’t!
Tann: you win the “Asshat Anal Retentitive Historical Trivia” Award of the day.
Thank you very much.
Aw shux, Skipper, I’m already overdecorated....
who in hell says you can spell “especially” with an “x”?
Why don’t you aX him?
Check this out for a bunch of things you didn’t know about Telstar.
Correcting the Skipper, eXpecially when he’s wrong, will get you one of those awards, Tann. Life’s like that. So’s the Skipper. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.
I grin and bear it, Stin. The travails of the faithful are always rewarded, if not in this life, then in the one to come....
Careful when he’s got a hangover, Tann. You might reach that reward sooner rather than later. Keelhauling is just foreplay in times like those.
Nagging curiosity drove me to find out who else was on the committee. It was Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, Roger Sherman, and Robert R. Livingston, if anyone but me was interested.
Well, Stin, blitzkrieg with Margaritas has its drawbacks. That’s why I stick to cherry schnapps and strawberry wine. Just a kiss there, not a whack over the head with a tommy bar.
I take it that you are referring to the committee that drew up the Declaration of Independence?
I learned a long time ago that rum is works well for me and Scots whiskey, as much as I like it, does not.
Yes, I was referring to the committe that was assigned to draw up the Declaration. I thought of Madison at first but realized that had he been on the committee he would have had a large part in the writing. He was not one to leave that to others.
Stin, it’s curious how unique everybody’s body chemistry is. As unique as your fingerprint. By the way, is it true that the Kennedy clan still gets a royalty on every bottle of Scotch sold in this country?
Wonder what we’d have ended up if Madison had taken a major hand in writing the Declaration.
The “Asshat Anal Retentive Historical Trivia Award” ? ha ha ha ha..........
Shew… this has to be one of the funniest threads I’ve read in weeks. I can’t pick out the funniest, but it would have to be Stin (as usual) coming in with the names of the gentlemen who drew up the Declaration of Independence amidst Tanny’s own gentlemanly acceptance of his honors. - Asshat Anal Retentive Historical Trivia Award… oh god…
I am dying here… TOO funny! oh, hahaha…MajMike,
Yes, I was too young to pose for the cover for the Venture’s Greatest Hits, but guess what DUDES.... *I* have the 45 in my basement in some once-packed-never-opened-since box.
Yep. I have it. I listened to it so much it might not have any grooves on it. It gave me a great groove-on.......
I just scrolled up to see what this post was about. I forgot. Nigeria getting a satellite! Oh, it’s even funnier now.............. Can I save an entire thread? This will keep depression in abeyance for years...... If I sold it, maybe a cure for the world… :} Maybe I’ll get rich and famous. My own Monarchy. Monarchy of Humping June Bugs. That would be it as humping June bugs are devouring my Chinese cherry tree that hangs over my back deck. I go out there and there is nothing but the sounds of June bugs fucking and munching. Definately calls for a Monarchical figure to take care of the rowdy subjects. Queen Phoenix will pinch your tiny heads off. Damn tootin’…
Posted by Phoenix
07/03/2005 at 08:58 PM
Um… sorry… I got so carried away laughing I realize I left something out.
I have TELSTAR on 45. Not the Ventures Greatest Hits. See. This thread messes with your mind.
hahaha..... Yay! Mess some more, I like it.. :} And the signers of the Declaration of June Bug Humping Day are Boswell Buckit, Mortimer Munch, Jahruse Joint, Philbert Feedme, and Stinsom Stinkum.
Posted by Phoenix
07/03/2005 at 09:04 PM
Phoenix, please ma’am, do something about those June bugs on your cherry tree. After all, cherries are the basis for my favorite adult beverage....!
Yes. There’s something in that dark peaty drink that does not mean me well. A brother has the same difficulty with bourbon. Everything else is mere alcohol in our particular systems.
I’m thinking that things wouldn’t have been much different with Madison on the committee. He largely shaped the country we have today due to his work on the Federalist papers and the Constitution. I’m guessing that he was influential in the Committees of Correspondence that presaged the first Continental Congress and the Declaration.
Oops, I combined thoughts from another thread and ended up in this one. Check the citizenship thread to see where that came from oh, Queen of the June Bugs and Monarch of the Butterflies.
Have mercy, your Imperial Majesty, as I’m not the first to have gotten mixed up posting in the threads, am I?
It’s been a long time, Stin, since I dug around in Beards’ Basic History of the US or Charles Beard’s The Republic,, even though they’re both handy on my shelf. But something tells me you’ll find reference in one or both of those books to those Committees of Correspondence, and any role Madison might have had.
Incidentally, I will still take the Beards over any other version of US history that I have seen.
Methinks the Lady Phoenix is outside swatting June bugs at the moment, Stin. Poor old blundering contraptions. As a kid, I used to catch them and fly them on strings. They were always a such fun part of summer where I grew up, along with enough lightning bugs to light up the whole landscape. Just imagine the world’s biggest sparkler, all around you, stretching as far as you could see. There were that many lightning bugs.
Stin,
I am in complete agreement with you. I think things would not have been much different with Madison on the committee. I am also in agreement that he was influential in the Committees of Correspondence that presaged the first Continental Congress and the Declaration. He was short, but he was hard to ignore. Being best buds with TJ probably helped, too.
Tanny,
As our Major Asshat in the History Vein, no offense to you, Stinkster, can you tell me how ‘cherry’ came to mean a woman’s maidenhead?
I really hate those June bugs. Sometimes I thump them mid-hump but they come right back enflagrante delicto. Being pummeled airborne with a bruised butt doesn’t separate them. They leave the skeleton of the leaf intact to remind you of the shade you once had.
Posted by Phoenix
07/03/2005 at 09:28 PM
Oh my God, is thisever a spot....(out, damned spot!)....
I really don’t know the answer, m’lady. I’ll take a poke at it, though. I suppose it had something to do with the color of the object in question.
Stinkster,
That’s okay. You can stick your thoughts anywhere you want. After all, you have made my night with this Nigerian Satellite Continental Congress thread..
I really think my countenance is not befitting a Queen. I am wiping my eyes…
Tanny!
You strung up June bugs???????? ohmygoodness. We used to catch lightning bugs and smear their light on our eyelids and teeth and run around in the dark smiling and blinking like fools with Tourette’s Syndrome. Ahh… childhood memories......
By the way, Tanny, now that I’ve anointed myself Queen of Humpdom, it would be “Her Majesty” as opposed to the more diva-like ‘Princess’. I give you my blessing. Or whatever. Ya wanna be a Knight instead of an Asshat?
Posted by Phoenix
07/03/2005 at 09:37 PM
Well, m’lady, I didn’t exactly earn the Iron Cross by turning down opportunities to be knightly. The trouble is, at my age, twice a knight is enough....
Tanny,
You’ll give the question of cherry/maidenhead a POKE ???
oh.
This just gets funnier and funnier.............. H E L P !
Posted by Phoenix
07/03/2005 at 09:43 PM
Stin, what happened here is that you got “cross-threaded.” You know, like a screw.....
Like a screw? Like a POKE ?
You are too funny, Tanny. Now what is the answer to my query?
Can you take a cherry stem and tie it in a knot in your mouth?
Posted by Phoenix
07/03/2005 at 09:59 PM
You must have overlooked my #30 above, Your Majesty.
I don’t know about the cherry stem. When I eat cherries, I usually put the stem aside....
Sir Tanny,
I just anointed you. You are now a Knight. I shall have to give you lands. Perhaps lands filled with cherry trees? A maiden or two? Choose your pick. What name would you like for your holdings?
I cannot tie a cherry stem into a knot in my mouth. Try it. Most people can do it.
Certainly, as a newly knighted knight of the Realm Of Queen Phoenix of Humpdom, you could entertain the court with this feat of oral manipulation.
Posted by Phoenix
07/03/2005 at 10:08 PM
For the holdings, the Tannenberg name will do nicely. Cherry trees are fine, with a leavening of firs. But only one maiden, please, for I don’t want a domestic brawl on my hands.
I’ll try that trick with the cherry stem the next time I have a Creme de Menthe parfait at my favorite restaurant. It always comes with a single Maraschino cherry on top.
I don’t know about entertaining the court with oral manipulations. If it was an all-lady court, well, yes, of course, but....
All my thanks for the grace you have bestowed upon me, Highness.
Here I thought that my talent with the cherry stem was rare. I’ll have to work on tying a fugure eight knot or a bowline on a bight.
Ah, cross threaded.
Won’t be the first time.
I’ve done it too, Stin. Seriously, look up either of the Beard books I mentioned above, if you haven’t already read them. And many thanks for helping to make this a fun evening for us all. Time to get my head down. I go on watch at 0400.
I must confess that I hadn’t heard of the Beard books but I will take your recommendation seriously and look for them.
I have boxes of unsorted books at auctions and enjoy rifling through them. History books are the mother lode for me. I’ve read hundred year old textbooks for pleasure. They’re not well documented or even very accurate but they give an insight to the thoughts and biases of the writer’s era. They have proven to me that the last thing you can trust is the official textbook currently in use.
I don’t have all of the Durants that I have always meant to own either. Something else always interfered.
Good luck on the morning watch. That’ll get you the first dog watch tonight. Thank you for your participation too, I have also enjoyed despite not being able to keep up all the time. The cross threading broke my rythm.
Does anyone remember “It All Started With Columbus”?
Sorry, Macker. I do remember “Goodbye Columbus” though:
Woman #1 “What have you been doing all summer?”
Woman #2 “I’ve been growing a penis”.There’s a conversation stopper.
Good stuff, cherries and ice cream. That’s one of the features of a Creme de Menthe parfait. A big mug full of ice cream with a shot of creme de menthe over the top, and then a crown of whipped cream, and then another crown of cherries. One of the simplest desserts there is, but I have never found one I like better.
AH-HAR! There ye are, ye scurvy rat! Finally awake at last! Let the keelhauling begin!
Not awake, Skipper, just freshened up after standing morning watch and guarding you whilst you sleep....
BOWSPRIT ! That’s it ! I’m hiding as a bowsprit so the Captain can’t find me.
Sir Tanny, I was wondering about you trying to tie a cherry stem in your mouth in your favorite restaurant. It takes a great deal of oral manipulation, you know. Every muscle in your face engages in its own gesticulation. Do you think people might think you are having an epileptic seizure and call 911 ? Maybe you should practice at home.
The name TANNENBERG ESTATES will be your realm. Are you sure you don’t want two maidens? The stem of a cherry is a hardy thing. Besides, you might like being tied into a cherry knot yourself. :}
You want some fir trees? Okay. Want some cows? Some chickens? A few serfs?
I think I pulled a Stinkster here and have ‘bowsprit’ on the wrong screw. Oh well. It is short for Bow Spirit. I might give up my Queendom for being a ship spirit. I wonder which/who has more control. Not that I care about control or anything.... except when it comes to humping June bugs. That is not to say *I* am humping the bugs with my dangling participle.
Posted by Phoenix
07/04/2005 at 11:04 AM
Yep, it’s Bowsprit. Geeze, I wish I’d have thought of that. Might have gotten myself some reward from the Queen of the Junebugs, Monarch of the Butterflies. Then again I’ve never written a haiku and must copy even limericks. [sigh]
Check the front page, Phoenix, we’ve been busted. I’m hiding out while I see if he’s as magnanimous as he’s saying he is. “Nobody down here but us sails”.
Watch your conjugation, dear Phoenix! Those conjugal comments commit complete cohabitational consummations. Codifying contemptible commitments conveys corruption. Cool!
Ouch!
My tongue hurts.
Stin: pay no attention to the belaying pin descending on your headbone!
Belay the belaying pin. Avast! Of course, if it catches me up-side the head there won’t be much damage. It’s a hard nut to crack. So much for the amnesty granted in the “ship’s bulletin” eh?
This is the only ship I’ve ever been on that the bowsprit wiggles. I bet she squeals too. Hmm, I better not go there.
My Captain,
A minor correction: All of my conjugal conjoinings committed cum cohabitational consummations are complete. That is be to say that the commitment alone implies completion.
Stinkster,
No squealing. A moist motherload of moans, perhaps, but squealing.. no. Not very Queenly. I am hardly a sex diva.
ARRR ARRRR ARRRH. Or would that be better said: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPF ?
Posted by Phoenix
07/04/2005 at 12:40 PM
My ‘preview’ button is broken.
:}
Or maybe my endocrine system has taken over my mind.
Posted by Phoenix
07/04/2005 at 12:43 PM
This is definitely a thread for the archives.
Highness, I appreciate your offer. I shan’t need any serfs around Schloss Tannenberg, but I must request the following staff: A butler with half a dozen household servants, a chief cook and baker with four wenches for kitchen help, a dozen men-at-arms, half a dozen foresters, half a dozen gatekeepers and groundsmen, a brewer, an armorer, a piano tuner, a jailer, and seven journeyman masons will do well enough. I can do the rest of the work myself.
And just one maiden, please, Highness. I know my limitations. And no livestock, please, for I suspect that you won’t leave me much time for any farming pursuits.
The most important thing is that my Schloss must not be drafty. I hate drafts.
Besides that, they let in the June bugs.
Sir Tanny,
As you requested, it is thine. However, I shall have to transfer Northumberland’s estates to you to house the vast repetoire of servants you desire. Northumberland proved a poot as it turned out. His oral manipulations in court were most disappointing. I trust you shall bring them back to par. Quite right you shan’t need livestock as I require your presence at court nightly for the quadrille. It is a long trip to Humpdom from Northumberland so do watch for bandits.
You may rename your new estates Northtannenland. I would like you to say that five times fast.
Posted by Phoenix
07/04/2005 at 09:52 PM
Quadrille? Hmm, quad as in four? drille as in drill? ... Sounds like I better pass on some of these spam emails to “twice a knight” Sir Tann.
Don’t forget that shoolteachers make you do it ‘til you get it right.
A quadrille won’t faze me, Stin. Remember, ballroom dancing is very familiar ground to me.
The Ventures should be best remembered for “Walk, Don’t Run”. My own early attempts at playing it on guitar are best not remembered…
Actually, the Ventures had two songs with lyrics:
the aforementioned “Wipeout” and their cover of “Tequila” (formerly by The Champs).
Back to the original topic:
WhyTF do the Nigerians need a communications satellite? Let them develop a reliable telephone system first…
LC RP
