Fun Time
Feed them salt peter and place them in a room full of goats;
Posted by yatalli
06/14/2005 at 04:32 PM
Lets tell them than Micheal Jackson’s prosecuting attorney is now their new defense attorney.
Posted by Z Woof
06/14/2005 at 04:50 PM
Since they are used to relieving themselves in a hole in the ground, make it only as big as their anus so they need perfect aim.
Weekly cocktail parties with Ted Kennedy and Nancy Pelosi singing karaoke. Noncay does a trip tease at the end of the night.
Daily broadcasts from the Knesset (Israeli parliament) and wake them up to watch. Also, webcams from all over Israel.
Sounds over the load speaker of missiles dropping and exploding.
New chef - Miss Piggy.
New ‘uniforms’ - Paris Hilton’s hand-me-downs.
Weekly visits from Sean Penn and group sing-a-long of “Cumbaya”.
Daily feeds from Iraq of Iraqis enjoying their freedom.
damn my little fat fingers - that’s “Nancy does a strip tease..”
Have all our soldiers wear thongs instead of uniforms. And slap each other’s butts and give high-fives all the time. Oh… the soldiers keep their weapons strapped on. Make sure they, the soldiers, smile all the time as if they know a secret.
Posted by Phoenix
06/14/2005 at 05:23 PM
Hose one side of the prison with nitrous and make the prisoners laugh their asses off while the other side looks on in horror.
Posted by Phoenix
06/14/2005 at 05:26 PM
Start daily cotillion lessons. Female soldiers dress in prom dresses and train the prisoners in waltzing, tango, fox trot. Then sit them down at a formal table and teach them formal manners. Turn those prisoner dudes into metrosexuals.
Might need some nitrous to pull this off.
Posted by Phoenix
06/14/2005 at 05:29 PM
Bring in tons of sand and fill each cell with it. We want you to feel like you’re home, doncha know.
Posted by Phoenix
06/14/2005 at 05:30 PM
Force the non-nitrous side to do the Bunny Hop down the cell block. The nitrous side will enjoy the hell out of that.
Posted by Phoenix
06/14/2005 at 05:32 PM
Hire Snow White and the seven dwarfs to float around and hand out Mickey Mouse memorabilia. Mostly the big ear hats.
The nitrous side will put the hats on.
Lots of dwarfs, in fact. Way more than seven. That’s what I’m talkin’ about…
Posted by Phoenix
06/14/2005 at 05:35 PM
Slip estrogen into their food. They can grow some man-boobs and say ‘Girlfriend’ to each other. Then send them home.
Posted by Phoenix
06/14/2005 at 05:36 PM
Give them all some LSD and pour on the Hendrix. Film them. Then show them the film later.
Posted by Phoenix
06/14/2005 at 05:39 PM
I think I’ll stop now.
Posted by Phoenix
06/14/2005 at 05:40 PM
how about putting them on a boat and sending them around the bend to Castro, ala Mariel boat lift, and have Jimmy (asshat) Carter on the dock to meet them.
Phoenix, get back on your meds!!!!
Do you really look like that Phoenix??? Damn you are HOT HOT HOT!!
Sorry, could not help myself, its just been one of those days.
Hmmm ...
My my, Phoenix you are on a roll.
Speaking of rolls ... toilet paper made with poison ivy might be fun.
Put sand in their vaseline.
Glue their flip flops to the floor.
Give ‘Otis’ from Mayberry RFD the keys to the jail.
Barry Manilow is always fun.
Posted by Steel Turman
06/14/2005 at 06:07 PM
texman0000 ...
Yeah, she does.
Hurts huh?
Posted by Steel Turman
06/14/2005 at 06:08 PM
OMG, Phoenix! Stay off the meds! You are very funny. How about: Laverne and Shirley 24/7. No. That is too cruel. i want to save that one for Hillary and Janet Reno.
Posted by yatalli
06/14/2005 at 06:12 PM
By virtue of royal decree from Her Majesty’s Royal Navy, we (Skipper) have hereby decreed that “Phoenix” is the winner of the “Bitch-Slap-The-Mujahadeen” Contest and is hereby promoted to Royal Wench First Class.
All hail!
Not for the squimish...Last chance to stop reading, but what you are about to read is a strong and effective visualation that will get these thugs talking....
Let them sit in front of Rosid O’Donnell and her gay partner taking turns breast feeding their newly adopted baby....
Oh, the humanity....
Some ideas:
Aerobics with Richard Simmons.
Make them watch Barney all day long (in Arabic).
Let pigs roam free at Gitmo.
They should wear pink, not orange.
Bring in more mosquitos.
Replace guards with midgets.
Tatoo Star of David on their hands.
Posted by dw
06/14/2005 at 07:51 PM
Hmm *thinks* I’ve got two ideas (so far)…
***Go to your nearest school. Make audio tape of kids playing at recess.
Take said tape and crank it at maximum volume whenever needed through the biggest Marshall stacks you can get.
***WARNING: NEXT IDEA IS NOT FOR SQUEAMISH***
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***Host some all female strip shows. Possible candidates:Hillary
Helen Thomas
Roseanne Barr
Rosie O’Donnell
Janet Reno
(a swimsuit competition with these *cough*ladies*cough would also work)
(Tape said shows and force them to watch whenever needed)
OK, let’s expand on some of these....
1. Have ‘em exercise with Richard Simmons and watch Barney 24/7!2 I like the guard thing.... one day midgets, one day no one less that 6’6”, one day everyone dressed as a Disney character, aliens, Valkyrie women warriors........ the permutations are endless ..... heck, you could even have them guarded by Hilary and Janet look-a-likes!
3. Make flashcards with pictures of all the dead from 9/11 and all the military deaths .... set them down at a table and strobe them with lights as each picture comes up. Keep this up until that’s all they see......
(oops, that would actually be torture)
What in the Sam Hell is Phoenix smokin’ here? She’s on a roll!
Make them listen to Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and especially Michael Medved (why him? He’s a conservative practicing Orthodox Joooooo) all day long.
Chuck ‘em over the fence. If they survive the minefields they get to live in the worker’s paradise.
Dood, I can’t believe nobody said this yet - maybe ‘cos it’s so obvious, but you gotta feed them their standard, allegedly gourmet food, but slip in some fatback or neckbone or somethin’ like that for some good ol’ southern home cookin’ - then tell them about it later after they ate it.
Green beans with hamhock - mmm good!
All hail Royal Wench Phoenix. We are mere mortals in the presence of a true goddess.
[kowtowing toward Royal Wench Phoenix] “We’re Not Worthy! We’re Not Worthy!”
I love this blog. I get titles here: Poet Laureate, Mystery Artiste, and now Royal Wench. Sigh....
All hail, fellow members: You are all indeed most worthy. I could not be inspired without you.
Now, I am going to don my prom dress and dance around air-guitaring to Jimi H. and bask in whatever Royal duties my Captain demands of me in my new role. On second thought, perhaps I should merely don my thong.
Posted by Phoenix
06/15/2005 at 11:48 AM
”...don my thong.”?
Sounds nasty, don’t it?
Posted by Phoenix
06/15/2005 at 11:49 AM
That’s how we likes our “Royal Wenches” .... nasty, that is. The nastier the better.
I can do nasty. Yes, SIR. I can do nasty.
SIR.Posted by Phoenix
06/15/2005 at 03:28 PM
They should chain by the ankle the prisoners to a huge set of bleachers. Then they should import the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to sing Handel’s MESSIAH. This show has to be at night for the special light effects to work. When the choir gets to the thunderous Hallelujah chorus, God comes down from the heavens with his finger pointed at the prisoners. His eyes will be ‘portrait’ eyes - the kind that look right at you no matter where you are. The light show will flash the words: “I want YOU” as the HAH LAY LUUU YAAH’s shatter the night air.
Wow. I want to be there.
Posted by Phoenix
06/15/2005 at 03:36 PM
Well, Frank, come on over the mountain with your camera, honey. You ain’t but spittin’ distance from me....
Posted by Phoenix
06/15/2005 at 03:38 PM
After the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, they need to bring in a nice black Baptist Church. Have to unfetter the prisoners for this. Have some fire and brimstone preaching with lots of congregation ‘AMEN’s’. Then let the choir take over. All the folks get to stamping and clapping. They leave their seats and dance up the aisle possessed of the spirit of the Lord. Heads thrown back with the spirit they ululate and dance… pretty soon they’re all up front in heavenly bliss as the choir rocks ‘n rolls… all the bodies bumping into each other.. big butts and big boobs, little kids, old men, pretty girls - all overtaken by the spirit. Let the soldiers join them. If the prisoners are not moved to join in this blissful praise of Gospel and brotherhood, shoot ‘em.
Amen. Rock my soul, brothers.... Rock me.. on....
Posted by Phoenix
06/15/2005 at 03:46 PM
Wouldn’t be fair to do an Episcopal service. All that standing and sitting might bruise their chained ankles.
Posted by Phoenix
06/15/2005 at 03:48 PM
Can’t do a Catholic service either. That’s some scary mojo. I don’t understand what those priests are doing with their smoking balls.
Posted by Phoenix
06/15/2005 at 03:51 PM
Take the prisoners on a field trip to Walmart. After all the religion, of course.
We can provide psychiatrists later.
Posted by Phoenix
06/15/2005 at 03:54 PM
Hey, how about a field trip to Six Flags Over New Jersey? I think they have the world’s biggest, baddest roller coaster at the moment. I wonder if they’d hold their arms up?
Disneyworld? Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride is next.
Posted by Phoenix
06/15/2005 at 03:56 PM
I think my thong is too tight. I’ll stop now.
Captain, bring your shears! uh.... SIR!
Posted by Phoenix
06/15/2005 at 03:58 PM
SNIP! SNIP! Now, get thee to the Capn’s cabin, WENCH! Hold thy tongue! Until the Cap’n is ready fer ya!
Abide, wench!
That’s Thunder Mountain. It’s in the dark. Great idea. And they have strobe lights. Hah.... cool cool… You can tell which direction the ride is going to go - very freaky. Give ‘em some Quaaludes for that. They’ll be all mellow....then WHAMO !!
Posted by Phoenix
06/15/2005 at 04:06 PM
They’ll be wantin’ THE LORD. The only problem is that when they finally get back home, no one will believe them. They’ll get really depressed and commit seppuku.
This could save us a lot in court costs.
Posted by Phoenix
06/15/2005 at 04:09 PM
Frank,
Why don’t we just meet at Buck’s Holler atop the Blue Ridge? Nice place for a photo op.
Posted by Phoenix
06/15/2005 at 04:10 PM
Capt’n,
But, but.... I’m wantin’ to talk. I gots lots to say..... glug… glug… what’s this in my mouth??? mmmmpf
Posted by Phoenix
06/15/2005 at 04:16 PM
actually....after reading all of these comments....i think letting the *commenting members* of BMEWS just *chat* with them would be torture enough
soon enough they would be slobbering and wetting themselves.....ha!
Posted by SouthernDoll
06/15/2005 at 05:30 PM
Let’s see how this goes.
Here is one for Phoenix,
wait until they go to sleep and super glue all the furniture to the ceiling. Video tape them when they wake up and show the videos over and over.I can see the headlines now: United States gives up torture. Prisoners all lunatics now. All they want to do is go on fun rides that scare the poop out of them and go to Walmart and bitch-slap the greeters… just because they can.
AMERICA TURNS ISLAMOFACISTS INTO HAPPY GOSPEL JIVING NUT BAGS. NUT BAGS DIVULGE ALL SECRETS FOR EXTRA RIDE ON THUNDER MOUNTAIN AND ANOTHER KOSHER WEENIE.
Posted by Phoenix
06/15/2005 at 07:49 PM
