Bulletin For All BMEWS Whiners
Humph! I had MY sex early last evening, thank you, Cap’n.
And you shud be glad we kare ‘bout our comments cuz bitchin’, whinin’ & moanin’ is the whole purpose of bloggin’ doncha know? I don kno about the moanin’ part, tho.... that goes better with the other part about the sex you wus talkin’ ‘bout.
I also want you to know I understood EVERY word of the first paragraph. EVER WORD goddangit. WE WANT MORE ‘O THAT.
Posted by Phoenix
05/12/2005 at 11:12 AM
You are free to BMW at the idiots and morons I present to you every day but BMW’ing at the Skipper is verboten under maritime law. Now get back belowdecks lass and swab that deck!
But but… O’ Cap’n.... I shorely wusent bitchin’ an whinin’ at you, SIR. Shorely, I wusent an I wancha to beleeve me so whin I speek my mine on that.
Whut will yew have me do b’low dicks? I offer up my mos humbel ‘pologies ef’n I offendid yew in any such mannre thet wud stiff’n up yore ire.
Yore’s Truly ‘n Humblee, Po Ho Nix
Posted by Phoenix
05/12/2005 at 11:43 AM
That’s better, lass. Now get down on yer knees and .. uh .. erh .. do what you do best. That voodoo that you do so well. Ahem!
Skipper, by your leave, sir, I submit that we should hold a deck court or at least a captain’s mast on our mermaid here.
A few threads ago, we had arranged for a nice undersea tryst, and I was even willing to go along with grand theft of a submarine. And then, the whole idea was sent down to Davy Jones, sir, because we had to wait for an asteroid to show up!
I never saw a more oblique application of the tortures of Tantalus. In short, cruel and unusual punishment, sir.
Respectfully submitted,
Frank Pulver, Ensign
Aboard USS Reluctant, 5/12/05
GREAT SCYLLA & CHARYBDIS! The wench hornswoggled ye, eh?
Very well. Captain’s mast at four bells. Hold the tart in chains until we are ready to pass judgement on the harlot!
Aye aye, sir!
What the hell is sex?
Ensign Pluver,
You is, indeed, a liar and a rogue! Cap’n, please dew not stritch my tendre body arownd your mast, I em beggin yew!
Ensign Pluver most shorely mayde plans fore an undersea tumbler but he forgot the sex toys! He brot all the Vienners an Twinkies but not ONE sex toy! It is not faire I tell yew!
Now whut es a gud wench tew dew abowt thet I ast yew!?! Tyin’ me tew yore mast seems tew much punishmint fore me to bare. I am shreddin’ my tresses and nixt will be my bodice.
Ensign Pluver I heahby declair yew a TURNCOAT. Forevah an evah.
Theah will be NO meet’n on the dicks abowt this affaire. No sirreee! I am callin’ Daddy this minit!
Posted by Phoenix
05/12/2005 at 12:26 PM
Oh bugger yer bloody bodice, wench! Ya seen one nip, ya seen ‘em all. We were only having at yer fer a lark. Now get yer rosy cheeks below afore I hafta insert some hard discipline into yer skirt.
Abaft, mates! Cogger the mainswizzle, hoist the foresail ....
Phoenix: Didn’t you say you were on a ventilator?
How does that work when you have early evening sex?
Posted by Z Woof
05/12/2005 at 12:54 PM
Reporting at four bells as ordered, Skipper.
Alas, the things I must do to retain my honor…
Nobody has ever been able to call me a turncoat, even in jest.
And furthermore, since she did spare me the necessity of hijacking a pigboat, Skipper, I hereby withdraw all charges.
Where was Mr. Roberts when I needed him? And Doc?
Does it count if you were sleeping and dreaming of sex?
MERCY! O’ Cap’n, yew hev fritened me so I caint thiank strate! Ar yew goin’ to coggle me mainswizzle weth yer insertshun of hard dicipline? Lawwww. All becos that TURNCOAT, Ensign Pussy Pluver wudent steel a submarine fore my pleashures an now yew two hev gangplanked upon me tew render me afeerd fore my parts an reputashun.
Cain’t yew at leest stroke my mainswizzle tew calm me? I beg ‘o yew to reconcidre weth tendre mercies. Will et hert?
As fore E. Pluver yew may ast fore my forgivness an we shall steel a sub, or yew may clik yore shiney black boots fore the Captain, thet swaggerin’ scarey thaing!
Posted by Phoenix
05/12/2005 at 05:59 PM
Z Woof,
The same way it works with late night or early morning sex. The ventilator goes down your trachea not up your vagina.
(I was extremely ill..and very worried about having to go on a ventilator, but I think I’ve passed that point now. Thanks.)
Posted by Phoenix
05/12/2005 at 06:02 PM
Christopher,
Only if that’s the only sex you get.
By the way, I asked but didn’t see your response: Why do you wish Bono would disappear into deepest darkest Africa?
Posted by Phoenix
05/12/2005 at 06:09 PM
Phoenix, m’lady, I do ask your forgiveness, but we should discard any plans for hijacking a pigboat. A tryst in Davy Jones’s back yard is one thing, but a twenty-year tryst in Leavenworth is another matter altogether.
Trusting you will understand and forgive, m’lady.
Seriously, I’m glad you dodged the ventilator. I went through an eight-month bout of walking pneumonia, beginning last August, and I was on a pretty nasty inhaler for awhile. Nastiest bug I ever had. A lot of folks I know also had it. Sounds like it may have got you too?
Oh, and by the way, the Viennas and Twinkies are here when you want them....
Poor, poor Macker.........sex is good in the morning, the afternoon, early evening, late at night, when it is raining, when it is snowing, when the sun shines, when the moon shines, any day of the week, and in between.............without going in to detail this afternoon was just as good as it was a few days ago...........
Posted by Dottie
05/12/2005 at 06:56 PM
Tanny,
If yew ar not willin tew steel me a sumbarine, yew kin keep thee twinkies. I’ll tayke thee Vienners howsumevre. Weth me handlin the heist, we’ll not git cot. Trust me. I’ll even git yew a airkraft carreir ef’n yew want. And I’ll promote yew to Next-In-Line.
This was/is the nastiest bug I’ve had in a decade - whatever it is. oh shew....
Posted by Phoenix
05/12/2005 at 07:20 PM
Ph-Ho-Nix: get over it. yew ain’t got nothing that cain’t be cured with a good “pumping”. Bend over !
Wishing you a speedy and complete recovery, m’lady.
Now, a carrier? A bit ostentatious, isn’t it? Besides, when they sink, they don’t come up again, and we wanted Davy Jones to host us, not keep us....
(Bewildered)
Phoenix: I usually don’t talk sex with such a pretty avatar.
How do we know you are not some homo with a beautiful avatar?
But after your Arab porno post you must be a woman, a man would never post that, even a fag.
So Phoenix you are Z Woof approved as a woman,
But I still can’t stop visualizing you and that ventilator in the early evening.
Posted by Z Woof
05/12/2005 at 07:32 PM
Woof, I’ll say this for you. You sure know how to throw a brick through a plate-glass window.
Judas Priest!
Z,
So, um ..do you talk sex with ugly avatars?
I’m a little lost.... what Arab porno post?
Anyways, Z, I am happy I am a Z Woof approved woman.
Maybe you could think of the ventilator as a dildo??
Posted by Phoenix
05/12/2005 at 09:28 PM
