Sunday - January 08, 2006

Nostradamus Predicts

Columnist William Kaliher has released his Top 101 Predictions for 2006 and I must say that almost all of them seem highly likely to happen. The only one I have doubts about is #45. Anyway, here is a small taste of what is to come this year ....

1. Herr Doktor Howard Dean will add to his political reputation for zaniness by announcing he’s the illegitimate son of Dean Martin.

2. Osama bin Laden will enter Massachusetts’ politics as Democrat fund raiser.

3. Senator Hillary Clinton will develop a more severe case of penis envy after seeing Janet Reno naked.

4. With typical hypocrisy, liberals will stop hating Christianity long enough to attack Rush Limbaugh for not being religious enough.

5. The Exlax Company will purchase CNBC to remove Keith “One-Enema-Too-Many” Olbermann from the air when it discovers declining sales are the results of constipated viewers tuning him in to get their bowels to move.

6. As with starving children in the oil-for-food scandal, liberals will ignore film of Kofi Annan stealing change from a blind man’s tin cup.

7. Maine Senator Olympia Snow will have her breasts enhanced and then demand colleagues refer to her as Mount Olympia Snow.

8. The Texas legislature will raise a posse to search for the Dixie Chicks but be unable to fund a reward.

9. Christopher Dodd will resign his Senate seat to work as a mime in San Francisco’s Castro district.

10. Tawana Brawley will kidnap Al “Alley Cat” Sharpton and rub dog-doo all over his head.

11. The bankrupt Baltimore Sun, in denial of the fact they didn’t meet the need of lucid readers, will headline their last issue: Karl Rove Responsible for our Failure.

12. Sanctimonious Chucky Schumer, Democrat, N.Y., will continue to make Christians wearing their religion on their sleeve appear temperate.

13. Afro-American Teresa Hines Kerry will divorce Senator Kerry over his refusal to celebrate Kwanza by decorating a Palm tree with his military records.

14. Phil Donahue will portray a pregnant lesbian nun fleeing a den of Wyoming Neo-Nazis in his 2006 attempt at another television series.

15. Florida Representative Robert “Mr. I’m Swell” Wexler, will undergo psychoanalysis in an effort to recover from being shunned by even left-wing television during 2005.

16. Upstate New York will secede from downstate New York and join the union as the fifty-first state calling itself North Georgia.

17. Leading leftist scientist, Meryl Streep—the George Washington Carver of apples – will update Democrats in Congress concerning her latest research on the stem cells of embryonic apples. Some smart-ass Republican will point out that’s normally called a seed but the Democrats will still be too enthralled with Professor Streep’s presentation to catch it.

18. Feeling totally isolated, little Joe Lieberman will be adopted by two compassionate Neocon Senators.

19. Bob Barker will be constrained by mental health officials after ingesting a prodigious amount of soy beans during a vegetable orgy.

20. Elizabeth “Pork Chop” Taylor will play the blimp in a remake of Around the World in 80 Days.

21. Peter Jennings’ world importance will finally be recognized when someone realizes he’s no longer propagandizing.

22. Al Franken will find God, dance with snakes in an East Tennessee church and begin ministering to flea-infested socialists.

23. Father of the Internet, Al Gore, will remember he also designed the Edsel while failing a religion course at Yale.

24. Senate Democrat leader and all-around conman Harry Reid will articulate the Democrat party’s desire to keep first grade reader, “Mommy’s Got a Hairy Dick and Plastic Boobs,” in public schools.

25. Nancy Pelosi will be accused of sexually harassing a Senate Page when she offers to do more than wash his BVDs.

- The other 76 predictions are here ...

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/08/2006 at 09:03 AM   
Filed Under: • Democrats-Liberals-Moonbat Leftists • Satire •  
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   Saturday - January 07, 2006

Madam President

    

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/07/2006 at 12:15 PM   
Filed Under: • Humor • Satire •  
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   Wednesday - January 04, 2006

Headline Du Jour

Some headlines write themselves. This one is pretty obvious ... as any woman will gladly confirm. It seems someone forgot to inform these scientists that men are generally done and out of the whole process nine months before birth occurs. Except in a cheerleading role ...

Men Are Useless During Childbirth, Scientists Imply
(HAMPTON ROADS)

Here’s some good news for every men who would rather stay in the waiting room during childbirth. A group of researchers at the University of Texas Southwestern say women who are coached through delivery don’t have it much easier than woman who handle things on their own. The researchers studied 320 first-time mothers who for some unfathomable reason chose not to receive an epidural. Half were coached; the other half were told to do what comes naturally.

On average, the mothers coached by nurse-midwives, who were told to push 10 minutes for every contraction, gave birth a mere 13 minutes faster than women who were left to their own devices. “There were no other findings to show that coaching or not coaching was advantageous or harmful,” said lead author Dr. Steven Bloom, the interim head of obstetrics and gynecology at the Dallas-based university. “Oftentimes, it’s best for the patient to do what’s more comfortable for her.”

_{(-- this gem found at James Taranto’s Best Of The Web Today --)}

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/04/2006 at 07:36 AM   
Filed Under: • Satire • Science-Technology •  
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   Friday - December 16, 2005

Criminal Apprehended!

Memo To All Kids Out There: Kids, this is not a joke. Do you want to see Santa locked up and poor Rudolph put out to pasture? No, and neither do I. What can we do to prevent this from happening? You must promise me that when you grow up you will never, ever vote for a Democrat.

This is very important, kids! Democrats are evil and they would lock poor Santa up and then there would be no more toys at Christmas. What will you tell your kids when they get no presents at Christmas and wonder what happened to Santa? That you stood by and let the evil, nasty Democrats frog-march poor Santa out of the North Pole and into prison? Shame! Shame!

So remember ... vote for anybody but an evil, Santa-hating Democrat when you grow up or else the Baby Jesus will cry and there will be no more joy in the world. We’re counting on you!

Posted by The Skipper     on 12/16/2005 at 08:49 AM   
Filed Under: • Satire •  
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   Tuesday - November 22, 2005

Out Of Order

Open Forum: insert your favorite lawyer jokes in the comments. The first one who comes up with an original (and funny) lawyer joke wins an all-expense-paid vacation to Tahiti for fourteen days and nights, free meals and lodging, free rental yacht, nightly “escort service” and massage sessions with Olga the Swedish Wonder Woman, plus a new BMW and $1 million in cash **....

_{[** No purchase necessary, void where prohibited by law, some restrictions and blackout dates may apply - Click here for contest rules]}

Posted by The Skipper     on 11/22/2005 at 05:04 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor • Judges-Courts-Lawyers • Satire •  
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   Thursday - October 20, 2005

NEWS FLASH!

SADDAM PLEADS INNOCENT
BAGHDAD (AL-JIZZ)

In a surprise statement issued to the Iraqi People’s Court today, Saddam Hussein denied any knowledge of the deaths of 300,000 Kurds and Shiites. The former “Benevolent Dictator” wept in his cage in the courtroom and declared that the murders had most likely been commited as part of a drug deal that went bad. Saddam vowed that if released he would pursue the real mass murderers to the “ends of the earth”.

President Hussein, who was re-elected with a mandate from 98% of the Iraqi population in 2000, was visibly shaken as descriptions of torture and genocide were read aloud. He stated for the record, “These were my people. How could anyone do this to them behind my back? I have vowed to hunt down these vicious drug dealers who commmitted this horrible crime.”

Hussein’s lawyer, Yahanni Al-Kaquan, issued a brief statement as the proud leader of Iraq was led away in chains, “It is a travesty of justice to charge this noble leader with these crimes simply because he was there when they were committed. I say to the jury that if the WMD don’t fit, you must acquit!”

Al-Kaquan then introduced a motion to the court to have the trial moved to Los Angeles, stating that it would be impossible for President Hussein to get a fair trial in Baghdad. Iraqi judge Al-Ans Yto denied the request and scheduled testimony to begin November 28 with prosecution witness Mahk Al-Fuhman, a Kurdish policeman, to take the stand first.

- Stay tuned to BMEWS for further developments in this breaking news story ...

Posted by The Skipper     on 10/20/2005 at 01:32 PM   
Filed Under: • Iraq • Satire •  
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