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calendar   Friday - January 20, 2006

Prison Fingers

I feel so much better when criminals “feel extremely remorseful”. I just know they’ve been rehabilitated when I hear that. We don’t need to punish them now. We can just let them go free knowing they have learned their lesson and will never be naughty again, right? ... Right? ...

Alright! Who dialed my “Satire” setting on this keyboard all the way up to the “Blatant Bullshit” setting? I gotta keep an eye on Oink who I just know is behind this. Regardless, I have a prediction to make about this criminal couple who got fingered by the long arm of the law: I predict that before they’ve been in prison a week one or both of them will discover ... something interesting ... in their prison food. The only question is ... what that “something interesting” might turn out to be ...

imageimageCouple Gets long Sentence In Finger Scam
SAN JOSE, California (Reuters)

A couple who planted a human finger in a bowl of chili at a Wendy’s fast food restaurant was sentenced in California on Wednesday to nine years in prison. “Greed and avarice overtook this couple and they lost their moral compass,” Judge Edward Davila said of Anna Ayala and her husband Jaime Plascencia in handing down the nine-year sentence.

The scam caused a sharp fall in sales at the third-largest U.S. burger chain, resulting in millions of dollars in lost revenue and a lingering impact to this day, officials say. Plascencia was given another three years and four months for not paying support for the five children he has with another woman in an unrelated case, giving him a total sentence of 12 years, four months behind bars.

Davila also ordered the couple to pay almost $22 million in restitution but Wendy’s officials indicated to the court they would only seek to collect approximately $170,000, representing the wages lost by employees at the San Jose restaurant where working hours were cut back after a downturn in business. “The crimes committed by the defendants have done immeasurable damage to Wendy’s image, not only in northern California, but across the country,” Denny Lynch, a Wendy’s senior vice president, told the court.

“We cannot put into words how it feels to have the company you’ve devoted your career to be subjected to grotesque humor on the late night TV talk shows in front of a national viewing audience.” Investigators determined Plascencia obtained the piece of finger from a co-worker who had lost the top of a digit in an industrial accident at a Las Vegas paving company. The man had turned over the finger fragment to settle a $50 debt.

Wendy’s International, based in Dublin, Ohio, paid a $100,000 reward for information to help establish the source of the severed finger. “I am truly sorry. I owe Wendy’s and its employees an apology,” a sobbing Ayala told the court. “Wendy’s had always been my family’s favorite fast food restaurant.” She called her actions “a moment of poor judgment,” and told her family: “For all the shame I brought upon them I am sorry, I am so sorry.”

Ayala, 40, who had been a Las Vegas resident, had said that she discovered the finger after buying the bowl of chili last March. She complained about the experience on national television and hired a lawyer, attracting wide attention to the bizarre incident. Ayala’s attorney Rick Ehler accused prosecutor David Boyd of using the media attention to get a tough sentence. “It seems as though the prosecution tried to exert some judicial pressure through the media,” Ehler said.

“I am extremely remorseful,” said Plascencia, 43, who, like his wife, wore prison clothes to the hearing at which television cameras were permitted. Plascencia’s attorney Charles Kramer said the probation department’s recommendation of 11 years for his client was excessive. “I was quite surprised at the harshness of the probation department’s recommendation,” Kramer said. “Judge Davila going over and above that shocks me even more.”


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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 01/20/2006 at 05:56 PM   
Filed Under: • Satire •  
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calendar   Friday - January 13, 2006

Deer Wars

imageimageThe animals are fighting back. They are invading everywhere. Citizens take arms. We must defend ourselves, in spite of what the PETA-morons say.

First, they invaded a video rental store in Evansville, Indiana. I suspect they were there to protest against “The Deer Hunter”.

Then they broke into an elementary school in Arkansas City, Kansas. Possibly a plot to improve their education to better fight us.

Literally scores of them are invading the suburbs in Wisconsin. Which gives new meaning to “white flight” ... as in whitetail.

TO ARMS, AMERICANS! We must fight to the death to defend our home and hearth against these illegal aliens! I hereby declare today National “Frag Bambi” Day. So what are you waiting for? Venison is on the hoof and coming to get you ...


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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 01/13/2006 at 11:56 AM   
Filed Under: • AnimalsSatire •  
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calendar   Sunday - January 08, 2006

Nostradamus Predicts

Columnist William Kaliher has released his Top 101 Predictions for 2006 and I must say that almost all of them seem highly likely to happen. The only one I have doubts about is #45. Anyway, here is a small taste of what is to come this year ....

1. Herr Doktor Howard Dean will add to his political reputation for zaniness by announcing he’s the illegitimate son of Dean Martin.

2. Osama bin Laden will enter Massachusetts’ politics as Democrat fund raiser.

3. Senator Hillary Clinton will develop a more severe case of penis envy after seeing Janet Reno naked.

4. With typical hypocrisy, liberals will stop hating Christianity long enough to attack Rush Limbaugh for not being religious enough.

5. The Exlax Company will purchase CNBC to remove Keith “One-Enema-Too-Many” Olbermann from the air when it discovers declining sales are the results of constipated viewers tuning him in to get their bowels to move.

6. As with starving children in the oil-for-food scandal, liberals will ignore film of Kofi Annan stealing change from a blind man’s tin cup.

7. Maine Senator Olympia Snow will have her breasts enhanced and then demand colleagues refer to her as Mount Olympia Snow.

8. The Texas legislature will raise a posse to search for the Dixie Chicks but be unable to fund a reward.

9. Christopher Dodd will resign his Senate seat to work as a mime in San Francisco’s Castro district.

10. Tawana Brawley will kidnap Al “Alley Cat” Sharpton and rub dog-doo all over his head.

11. The bankrupt Baltimore Sun, in denial of the fact they didn’t meet the need of lucid readers, will headline their last issue: Karl Rove Responsible for our Failure.

12. Sanctimonious Chucky Schumer, Democrat, N.Y., will continue to make Christians wearing their religion on their sleeve appear temperate.

13. Afro-American Teresa Hines Kerry will divorce Senator Kerry over his refusal to celebrate Kwanza by decorating a Palm tree with his military records.

14. Phil Donahue will portray a pregnant lesbian nun fleeing a den of Wyoming Neo-Nazis in his 2006 attempt at another television series.

15. Florida Representative Robert “Mr. I’m Swell” Wexler, will undergo psychoanalysis in an effort to recover from being shunned by even left-wing television during 2005.

16. Upstate New York will secede from downstate New York and join the union as the fifty-first state calling itself North Georgia.

17. Leading leftist scientist, Meryl Streep—the George Washington Carver of apples – will update Democrats in Congress concerning her latest research on the stem cells of embryonic apples. Some smart-ass Republican will point out that’s normally called a seed but the Democrats will still be too enthralled with Professor Streep’s presentation to catch it.

18. Feeling totally isolated, little Joe Lieberman will be adopted by two compassionate Neocon Senators.

19. Bob Barker will be constrained by mental health officials after ingesting a prodigious amount of soy beans during a vegetable orgy.

20. Elizabeth “Pork Chop” Taylor will play the blimp in a remake of Around the World in 80 Days.

21. Peter Jennings’ world importance will finally be recognized when someone realizes he’s no longer propagandizing.

22. Al Franken will find God, dance with snakes in an East Tennessee church and begin ministering to flea-infested socialists.

23. Father of the Internet, Al Gore, will remember he also designed the Edsel while failing a religion course at Yale.

24. Senate Democrat leader and all-around conman Harry Reid will articulate the Democrat party’s desire to keep first grade reader, “Mommy’s Got a Hairy Dick and Plastic Boobs,” in public schools.

25. Nancy Pelosi will be accused of sexually harassing a Senate Page when she offers to do more than wash his BVDs.

- The other 76 predictions are here ...


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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 01/08/2006 at 02:03 PM   
Filed Under: • Democrats-Liberals-Moonbat LeftistsSatire •  
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calendar   Saturday - January 07, 2006

Madam President

Who says a woman cannot be President of this country? We have two fine candidates below. Which one of these lovely ladies would you vote for? Would you consider dating either one? Even if someone paid you a million dollars?

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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 01/07/2006 at 05:15 PM   
Filed Under: • HumorSatire •  
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calendar   Wednesday - January 04, 2006

Headline Du Jour

Some headlines write themselves. This one is pretty obvious ... as any woman will gladly confirm. It seems someone forgot to inform these scientists that men are generally done and out of the whole process nine months before birth occurs. Except in a cheerleading role ...

Men Are Useless During Childbirth, Scientists Imply
(HAMPTON ROADS)

Here’s some good news for every men who would rather stay in the waiting room during childbirth. A group of researchers at the University of Texas Southwestern say women who are coached through delivery don’t have it much easier than woman who handle things on their own. The researchers studied 320 first-time mothers who for some unfathomable reason chose not to receive an epidural. Half were coached; the other half were told to do what comes naturally.

On average, the mothers coached by nurse-midwives, who were told to push 10 minutes for every contraction, gave birth a mere 13 minutes faster than women who were left to their own devices. “There were no other findings to show that coaching or not coaching was advantageous or harmful,” said lead author Dr. Steven Bloom, the interim head of obstetrics and gynecology at the Dallas-based university. “Oftentimes, it’s best for the patient to do what’s more comfortable for her.”

(-- this gem found at James Taranto’s Best Of The Web Today --)


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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 01/04/2006 at 12:36 PM   
Filed Under: • SatireScience-Technology •  
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calendar   Friday - December 16, 2005

Criminal Apprehended!

Memo To All Kids Out There: Kids, this is not a joke. Do you want to see Santa locked up and poor Rudolph put out to pasture? No, and neither do I. What can we do to prevent this from happening? You must promise me that when you grow up you will never, ever vote for a Democrat.

This is very important, kids! Democrats are evil and they would lock poor Santa up and then there would be no more toys at Christmas. What will you tell your kids when they get no presents at Christmas and wonder what happened to Santa? That you stood by and let the evil, nasty Democrats frog-march poor Santa out of the North Pole and into prison? Shame! Shame!

So remember ... vote for anybody but an evil, Santa-hating Democrat when you grow up or else the Baby Jesus will cry and there will be no more joy in the world. We’re counting on you!

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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 12/16/2005 at 01:49 PM   
Filed Under: • Satire •  
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calendar   Tuesday - November 22, 2005

Out Of Order

Open Forum: insert your favorite lawyer jokes in the comments. The first one who comes up with an original (and funny) lawyer joke wins an all-expense-paid vacation to Tahiti for fourteen days and nights, free meals and lodging, free rental yacht, nightly “escort service” and massage sessions with Olga the Swedish Wonder Woman, plus a new BMW and $1 million in cash **....

[** No purchase necessary, void where prohibited by law, some restrictions and blackout dates may apply - Click here for contest rules]

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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 11/22/2005 at 10:04 AM   
Filed Under: • HumorJudges-Courts-LawyersSatire •  
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calendar   Thursday - October 20, 2005

NEWS FLASH!

SADDAM PLEADS INNOCENT
BAGHDAD (AL-JIZZ)

In a surprise statement issued to the Iraqi People’s Court today, Saddam Hussein denied any knowledge of the deaths of 300,000 Kurds and Shiites. The former “Benevolent Dictator” wept in his cage in the courtroom and declared that the murders had most likely been commited as part of a drug deal that went bad. Saddam vowed that if released he would pursue the real mass murderers to the “ends of the earth”.

President Hussein, who was re-elected with a mandate from 98% of the Iraqi population in 2000, was visibly shaken as descriptions of torture and genocide were read aloud. He stated for the record, “These were my people. How could anyone do this to them behind my back? I have vowed to hunt down these vicious drug dealers who commmitted this horrible crime.”

Hussein’s lawyer, Yahanni Al-Kaquan, issued a brief statement as the proud leader of Iraq was led away in chains, “It is a travesty of justice to charge this noble leader with these crimes simply because he was there when they were committed. I say to the jury that if the WMD don’t fit, you must acquit!”

Al-Kaquan then introduced a motion to the court to have the trial moved to Los Angeles, stating that it would be impossible for President Hussein to get a fair trial in Baghdad. Iraqi judge Al-Ans Yto denied the request and scheduled testimony to begin November 28 with prosecution witness Mahk Al-Fuhman, a Kurdish policeman, to take the stand first.

- Stay tuned to BMEWS for further developments in this breaking news story ...


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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 10/20/2005 at 05:32 PM   
Filed Under: • IraqSatire •  
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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:
  1. Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong
  2. Stay involved with government on every level and don't let those bastards get away with a thing
  3. Use every legal means to defend yourself in the event of real internal trouble, and, most importantly:
  4. Keep talking to each other, whether here or elsewhere
It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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Oh, and here's some kind of visitor flag counter thingy. Hey, all the cool blogs have one, so I should too. The Visitors Online thingy up at the top doesn't count anything, but it looks neat. It had better, since I paid actual money for it.
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