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Sarah Palin knows how old the Chinese gymnasts are.

calendar   Tuesday - October 10, 2006

The Book Of Babs

Chapter 21 - Return From The Wilderness

1- And on the four thousand three hundred eighty first day after The Diva wandered off in to the wilderness, vowing never to return, she appeared as though a vision before the multitude at Newyark.

2- And the people were blinded by the beauty of her voice and the cutting wit of The Diva and they fell to the ground worshipping at her feet as she basked in the glow of love and affection from the gathered tribes of Newyark.

3- But there arose a clamor from the sheeple when The Diva began a long, lengthy, boring comedy routine that was intended to poke fun of Emperor Bush, whom The Diva had declared to be sent from Satan years earlier.

4- The noise from the crowd threatened to overwhelm The Diva and her hypnotic voice and a mighty din arose in the multitude as their impatience grew with the stomping of feet and shouting of insults.

5- The Diva looked out upon the gathered sheeple and delivered a message of quiet moderation, saying to them in the holy tongue “Shut the fuck up! Shut up if you can’t take a joke!”

6- And lo, the sheeple were shamed and stood with heads bowed and the voices of the crowd of sheeple were silenced in dread fear of having offended The Diva and some pleaded with her to resume.

7- The Diva looked out upon the penitent gathering of unwashed poor and felt pity in her heart. She then sang to them to calm their fears and peace reigned over the gathering in Newyark.

8- But there was a great and evil plan brewing in the Emperor’s palace in Warshton that would ....

(From: “The Book Of Babs”, 21:1-8 — The rest of the text of this chapter of the Book Of Babs was lost in the First Islamic War Of 2008. Archeologists hope to one day find more copies in the rubble around Sanfrisco - Encyclopedia Britannica, 735th Edition, 2285 AD)


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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 10/10/2006 at 06:00 PM   
Filed Under: • Satire •  
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calendar   Wednesday - September 06, 2006

Most Ridiculous Item Of The Day (so far)

There’s something fishy going on in Washington, DC ... and I don’t mean in our govermnent (although there is plenty of fishiness there as well). No, this fish story is frightening. Male bass are growing eggs and displaying feminine characteristics! Sort of a “Queer Eye For The Finned Guy” kinda thing, dont’cha know.

Since today’s theme seems to be sexual conspiracies (see post below this one) I am downright concerned and am wondering if this is some trick by the Gay-Lesbian-Transexual-Bisexual group (or whatever their name is).  Could they be putting something in the drinking water to make fish come out of the closet? And what happens when we straight males eat those flakey fish? Do we wake up the next morning with large boobies and squeeky voices?

I know I for one am pretty concerned about this evil plot to rob us of our manhood with a biological weapon disguised under an innocent layer of tartar sauce. I demand a federal investigation into this matter. It’s obvious to me that some of our GOP congressmen have shown a severe lack of testicular fortitude lately. Can this be a symptom of an overall plan to “de-nut” our leaders?

The truth is out there ... and I intend to find it. Now, would you please pass me the hush puppies and cole slaw ...

imageimageMale Bass Across Region Found to Be Bearing Eggs
Pollution Concerns Arise In Drinking-Water Source
By David A. Fahrenthold
(WASHINGTON POST) - Wednesday, September 6, 2006

Abnormally developed fish, possessing both male and female characteristics, have been discovered in the Potomac River in the District and in tributaries across the region, federal scientists say—raising alarms that the river is tainted by pollution that drives hormone systems haywire.

The fish, smallmouth and largemouth bass, are naturally males but for some reason are developing immature eggs inside their sex organs. Their discovery at such widely spread sites, including one just upstream from the Woodrow Wilson Bridge, seems to show that the Potomac’s problem with “intersex” fish extends far beyond the West Virginia stream where they were first found in 2003.

The cause of the abnormalities is unknown, but scientists suspect a class of waterborne contaminants that can confuse animals’ growth and reproductive systems. These pollutants are poorly understood, however, leaving many observers with questions about what the problems in fish mean for the Potomac and the millions of people who take their tap water from it.

“I don’t know, and I don’t think anybody knows, the answer to that question right now: Is the effect in the fish transferable to humans?” said Thomas Jacobus, general manager of the Washington Aqueduct, which processes Potomac water to provide drinking water for residents of the District, Arlington County and Falls Church.

Jacobus, like others at area utilities, said there was no evidence that tap water taken from the Potomac was unsafe to drink. They said humans should be far less susceptible to the river’s pollution than fish, because people are not exposed constantly to the water, our hormone systems work differently, and our larger bodies should require higher doses of any pollutant to cause problems. As research on the fish continues, other scientists across the region are trying to determine whether Potomac water or mud can affect human cells. This research, including tests at West Virginia University that examine whether cells react as if estrogen or estrogen mimics are present, has not reached any solid conclusions.

The first intersex fish in this area were found three years ago in the South Branch of the Potomac, a tributary more than 200 miles upstream from Washington. In 2004, more abnormal bass were discovered in a section of the upper Potomac near Sharpsburg, Md.

Following up, last fall federal and state researchers caught smallmouth bass in the Shenandoah River in Virginia and in the Monocacy River and Conococheague Creek in Maryland. All three tributaries eventually empty into the Potomac. At the site on the Potomac itself in the District, there are no smallmouth bass, so the researchers examined largemouth bass.

The results were striking, according to Vicki S. Blazer, a fish pathologist with the U.S. Geological Survey. More than 80 percent of all the male smallmouth bass they found were growing eggs, including all of the fish caught at four of the seven survey sites. The intersex condition doesn’t change the fish’s outward appearance but can be detected under a microscope.

At the site in Washington, seven of 13 male largemouth bass showed some kind of unusual feminine characteristic. Six of the seven fish tested positive for a protein used to produce eggs, and three of the seven contained eggs, Blazer said.

- More on the transexual fish at WAPO ...


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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 09/06/2006 at 02:35 PM   
Filed Under: • SatireScience-TechnologySex •  
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calendar   Wednesday - August 30, 2006

Our Feature Presentation

Good evening, Ladies and Germs! Welcome to the Skipper Theatre and our feature presentation for today’s matinee. Today we bring you a rock ‘em, sock ‘em, rip-roaring comedy that’ll leave you rolling in the aisles. Today’s feature is entitled “The Three Stooges In Lebanon” and features our favorite slapstick bozos in a wild comedy full of their usual hilarious antics and pratfalls. So settle back with your popcorn, root beer and Raisenets and enjoy the show ...


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Moe is in Jerusalem giving the Jews a hard time and blaming them for everything that has gone wrong since the beginning of time.

United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan said Tuesday that Israel was responsible for most of the violations of the UN-brokered cease-fire that ended the 34-day conflict between Israel and Hezbollah two weeks ago.

Annan said he would ask Prime Minister Ehud Olmert in talks on Wednesday to lift Israel’s air and sea blockade of Lebanon, imposed at the start of the war nearly seven weeks ago.

Speaking after a meeting with Defense Minister Amir Peretz in Jerusalem, Annan appealed for all sides to work together to ensure the peace holds and “not risk another explosion in six years or 20 years.”

- HAARETZ (Israel) - August 30, 2006

Larry is in Beirut preaching to Hezbollah in hopes of convincing them to let his people go free. Hallelujah!

US civil rights leader Jesse Jackson met with exiled Hamas leaders to try to mediate an exchange of prisoners between the Palestinian group and Israel, a high-level Hamas member said.

“Reverend Jackson had a good and useful meeting yesterday evening with Khaled Meshaal,” Hamas politburo member Mohammed Nazzal said. “Hamas is open to discussing all details, but we insist that any exchange of prisoners must be simultaneous, which is the main sticking point,” Mr Nazzal said.

Rev Jackson, who is not an official US government representative on his trip, is hoping to use respect he has gained in Syria and elsewhere in the Middle East to succeed where others have failed.

- The Australian - August 29, 2006

Curly Joe is in Damascus stirring up trouble and sucking up to any dictator he can find. Oh, a wise guy? Whoop-whoop-whoop!

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez said Tuesday that his government is united with Syria in strong opposition to the U.S. government’s “imperialistic” aggression in the Middle East.

“We are here in Damascus to call for peace,” Chavez told Venezuela’s state television by phone shortly after arriving in Syria late Tuesday. “These two countries are strongly united against the imperialistic aggression and hegemonic pretensions of the U.S. empire.”

Chavez was scheduled to meet Assad on Wednesday, the Venezuelan president’s office said in a statement. Officials of both governments will sign a document opposing Washington’s “aggression” in the Middle East, Chavez said.

- Washington Post - August 30, 2006


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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 08/30/2006 at 07:00 AM   
Filed Under: • Middle-EastSatireStoopid-PeopleUnited-Nations •  
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calendar   Tuesday - August 22, 2006

It’s All Over Now

imageimageEnd Of The World Announced

Today is August 22. This year, August 22 marks the holy day on the Islamic calendar that is the day of reckoning for Shiites. Some Shiite sects believe that August 22 could correspond to the end of the world.

Early reports from Iran this morning state that the Twelfth Imam appeared in Teheran and issued the following statement: “Where’s my cheese?”

It also turns out that today is the day scheduled by the Christian God for the end of the world. In Jerusalem, a man appeared claiming to be the “Anti-Christ” and these four weird dudes on horseback rode up and started blowing up Muslims and angels appeared everywhere and locusts swarmed and people suddenly disappeared and ....

Hold on! This late breaking news—The end of the world has been rescheduled due to slow ticket sales. You may now resume normal activites ...


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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 08/22/2006 at 10:39 AM   
Filed Under: • Satire •  
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calendar   Tuesday - August 08, 2006

Where There’s Smoke …

imageimageSecond-Hand Smoke Kills
Millions Every Day

PARIS (REUTERS) - August 8, 2006

Just as cowardly smokers do harm to their own health when they smoke, the brave, intelligent non-smokers around them are also affected by this habit. Research shows that filthy second-hand smoke increases the risk of developing certain cancers, heart disease, lung disease, jock itch and acne.

This year in France, more than 1,000,000 non-smokers will die from diseases caused by second-hand smoke. In as little as eight minutes, even the bravest Frenchman’s body begins to react to second-hand smoke - it doesn’t take much to harm him.

If you’re pregnant, there’s also a risk to your child. Smoking while pregnant and exposure to second-hand smoke can cause low birth weight and increase the risk of miscarriage, stillbirths, and sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) as well as major hair loss.

There are approximately 5,000 cancer-causing toxic substances in disgusting second-hand smoke. It’s no surprise then that when kids breathe in smoke-filled air, they face a number of health risks, especially if they complain.

The following is a list of various diseases and conditions that children exposed to second-hand smoke are surely to develop:

* asthma
* ear infections
* respiratory infections
* chronic ugliness
* toenail fungus
* tiny penises (men)
* small breasts (women)

Asthma, a chronic lung condition in which the airways become inflamed and swollen causing them to narrow, is becoming increasingly common among French children - it has quadrupled in the last 2 weeks. For children with asthma, second-hand smoke can trigger an attack and a serious asthma attack may require hospitalization and, in some cases, may even be fatal. Our children are dying here! Stop smoking now!

Photo Credit: Adnan Hajj


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Posted by Dan Rather   United States  on 08/08/2006 at 03:47 PM   
Filed Under: • Satire •  
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calendar   Friday - August 04, 2006

Now In Theatres Everywhere

What do you get when you combine one of the goofiest movies of the 1970’s with one of the goofiest movies of the 21st century?

I don’t know but it’s called “Greasey Global Warming”.



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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 08/04/2006 at 04:48 PM   
Filed Under: • Climate-WeatherSatire •  
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calendar   Tuesday - August 01, 2006

Special Sale!

Hezbollocks Media Manipilation Kit
On Sale Now! - Only $49.95

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That’s right, peeps! Now you too can be a media star on all the major news networks. Order our official Hezbollocks Media Manipulation Kit today and get out there and start staging atrocities wherever you can find evil JOOS defending themselves against the peaceful peoples of Paleswine and Lebanon!

The full kit comes with the Official Green Helmet™, signed, numbered and blessed by the Supreme Ayatollah Ali Asshola and worn by all the really cool Hezbollocks PR people.

Also included is the Official Day-Glo Media-Proof Vest™ that signifies that you are a “non-combatant” (nudge, nudge, wink-wink) and really catches the cameramen’s eye, especially if you are holding the grisly, gray dead body of some 5-year-old you’ve had in the freezer for the last week for just this moment (grisley, mortified child sold separately - call for pricing).

CALL TODAY! 1-800-PHUCK-YOU!

Free shipping within any “occupied territories”!


Don’t wait! Order NOW! Join the Jerkwad Jihad and manipulate the media!
You too can be a star like Omar Bin Buttface below!


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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 08/01/2006 at 02:41 PM   
Filed Under: • SatireTerrorists •  
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calendar   Monday - July 31, 2006

An Inspirational Moment

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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 07/31/2006 at 04:09 AM   
Filed Under: • PhilosophySatire •  
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calendar   Tuesday - July 18, 2006

Requiem For A Dinosaur

imageimage
Extinction is always a sad affair. In this case, the Gutenberg Era is coming to a close. After six hundred years, the print press is dying out.

The meteor causing the event this time was the computer, which slammed into the Earth a few decades ago and changed the information atmosphere. The old dinosaurs like the NY Times and Washington Post are gradually disappearing, only to be replaced by the smaller, more agile internet and blogs.

Another factor that speeded up the disappearance of dinosaurs was their dependence on a single diet: Liberal Lunacy. That wild weed has also been in retreat from civilization as bloggers spray it down with reason and logic wherever it sprouts up.

So let us say farewell to the monsters of YourAssic Park. Perhaps they will evolve into on-line birds and survive this social climate change. We can only hope they change their diet if they do. Otherwise, it’s open season on pigeons ...


NY Times To Cut Paper Size And Close Plant
NEW YORK (Reuters) - Tue Jul 18, 2006 7:36am ET13

The New York Times Co. plans to narrow the size of its flagship newspaper and close a printing plant, resulting in the loss of 250 jobs, the company said in a story posted on its Web site late on Monday.

The changes, set to take place in April 2008, include the closure of a printing plant in Edison, New Jersey. The company will sublet the plant and consolidate its regional printing facilities at a plant in Queens, the paper said.

The newspaper will be narrower by 1 1/2 inches. The redesign will result in the loss of 250 production jobs, the company said. The New York Times said it expected the changes to result in savings of $42 million. The narrower format, offset by some additional pages, will reduce the space the paper has for news by 5 percent, Executive Editor Bill Keller said in the article.

The Times will join a list of several other papers from The Washington Post to the Los Angeles Times that have reduced their size as they cut newsprint and other production costs and try to stem a loss of readers and advertising to the Internet and other media.


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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 07/18/2006 at 02:28 PM   
Filed Under: • Media-BiasSatire •  
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calendar   Tuesday - July 11, 2006

War Report, 1942

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Midway Island Demolished - Yorktown, Destroyer Sunk
June 7, 1942

Many US planes lost

The United States Navy suffered another blow in its attempt to stem the Japanese juggernaut ravaging the Pacific Ocean. Midway Island, perhaps the most vital U.S. outpost, was pummeled by Japanese Naval aviators. The defending U.S. forces, consisting primarily of antique Buffalo fighters, were competely wiped out while the Japanese attackers suffered few, if any, losses.

In a nearby naval confrontation, the Japanese successfully attacked the Yorktown which was later sunk by a Japanese submarine. A destroyer lashed to the Yorktown was also sunk.

American forces claim to have sunk four Japanese carriers and the cruiser Mogami but those claims were vehemently denied by the Emporer’s spokeman.

The American carriers lost an entire squadron of torpedo planes when they failed to link up with fighter escorts. The dive bombers had fighter escort even though they weren’t engaged by enemy fighters. The War Dept. refused to answer when asked why the fighters were assigned to the wrong attack groups. The Hornet lost a large number of planes when they couldn’t locate the enemy task force. Despite this cavalcade of errors, Admirals Fletcher and Spruance have not been removed.

Code Broken

The failure at Midway is even more disheartening because the U.S. Navy knew the Japanese were coming. Secret documents provided to the NY Times showed that “Magic” intercepts showed the Japanese planned to attack Midway, which they called “AF”.

Obsolete Equipment

Some critics blamed the failure at Midway on the use of obsolete aircraft. The inappropriately named Devastator torpedo planes proved no match for the Japanese fighters. Even the Avengers, its schedule replacements, were riddled with bullets and rendered unflyable. Secretary of War Stimson dodged the question saying simply: “You go to war with the Navy you have, not the Navy you want or would like to have”. Critics immediately called for his resignation.


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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 07/11/2006 at 08:50 PM   
Filed Under: • Media-BiasSatire •  
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calendar   Wednesday - July 05, 2006

BMEWS Help Desk Support Options

We have installed new Help Desk Support Lines here at BMEWS to help you with any problems you may have accessing the web site. Below is a sample of the new menu system that is designed to assist you in every way possible.

imageimageEnter any 12-digit prime number to continue ...

Thank you for calling. To continue in jargon, press 1. Jos haluat jatkaa suomeksi, ole hyva ja paina 2.

Please listen closely to the following menus, as our options have changed. For technical support, press 1. For financial support, press 2. For support of the fleshy parts that jiggle during exercise, press 3. For emotional support, please hang up and call 888 HOT-LIVE.

Please note that we are currently experiencing temporary, localized service interruptions in Nome, Alaska; Phoenix, Ariz.; Tijuana, Mexico; and all of North America east of the Rocky Mountains. If you live in one of these regions, please hang up and do not call back until we tell you. We appreciate your patience while our technicians ignore the problem.

If your appliance is less than 1 year old, press 1. If you are unmarried or are not sure, press 2.

In order to serve you better, it will be helpful for us to know which order you belong to. For Primates, press 1. For Cetacea and Proboscidea, press 2. For Jesuit or Dominican, press 3. For Knights Templar or Hospitaler, Knights of Pythias or Columbus, as well as Masons, Elks, and Kiwanis, or if you are unsure, press 4. If you are a Franciscan and have a rotary phone, please stay on the line.

Please key in the model and serial number of the product you are calling about. The model number is the series of 12 letters and digits that is visible when you push the unit away from the wall, work your head into the gap using a crowbar and No. 10 machine oil, and train a beam of ultraviolet light on the lower three centimeters of the right-hand rear surface of the appliance. If the model number is obscured by dust or cockroach detritus, wipe it with a soft, lint-free cloth soaked in a solution of ordinary rubbing alcohol, Kirschwasser, and formaldehyde. The serial number is the 37-digit number inscribed by means of laser nanotechnology on the underside of the unit and is not visible to the naked eye. When you have entered both numbers, press the pound key.

Note that at any point you may return to the previous menu by hanging up, calling again, and repeating the process until you reach the point just before the point you are at right now.

Please listen carefully to the following choices and select the one that best describes the problem you are calling about: If water is condensing on inner surfaces or leaking from under the door, press 1. If you are having trouble sending or receiving e-mail, press 2. If you are experiencing sharp, shooting pains in the left shoulder or a feeling of constriction in the chest, press 3. If you have lost your faith in a Supreme Being or any intelligible order in the universe and feel a desperate need for human contact, press 4. If you smell gas, press 5. To repeat this menu, press 6. To return to the previous menu or to a state of infantile bliss, press 7.

Please note that while you were listening to the previous menu, our options changed yet again. For Option 1, press 4. For Option 7, press 3. For Option 6, press 7. For Options 2 through 4, press 0 or hang up and call our Consumer Relations Department at (427) 555-9221. Long-distance charges may apply.

Most common problems can be resolved at home by following a simple sequence of diagnostic tests and procedures. We will now guide you through such a sequence. If you wish to skip this section, press 1, 3, and 9 simultaneously while restarting your telephone. Please note: If, while answering these questions, you see smoke or flames or if your chest is warm to the touch, hang up and call 911.

OK, let’s get started.

Is the unit plugged in? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2.

Is the power switch set to “on”? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2.

Touch the condensation on the interior of the unit with your finger, then smell it. Does it smell like a dog that has been left out in the rain? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2.

Unplug your modem, power down your computer, and mix yourself a stiff drink. Drink it. Now restart your computer and plug the modem back in. Did this resolve the problem? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2.

While holding down the control and option keys, crouch on the floor, making chugging and whistling sounds. Say, “I think I can, I think I can.” Continue in this manner for five minutes. Did this resolve the problem? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2.

Do you attend a church, synagogue, mosque, tabernacle, or other house of worship regularly (that is, three times a month or more)? If yes, press 1. If no, better press 1 anyway.

While remaining on this phone, use your cellular phone to call an old friend whom you haven’t seen in years. Tell him or her that you’ve really missed him or her, and that if he or she has a problem he or she needs to talk about, you will be happy to lend a sympathetic ear. Did this resolve the problem? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2.

The diagnostic and self-help procedure is now complete. If the problem has been resolved, press 1. If the problem has been cleared up, press 2. If the problem no longer seems worth bothering with, press 3.

Thank you for calling. Goodbye. 

(-- Thanks to Zack F. who really should know better than to call here)


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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 07/05/2006 at 08:14 PM   
Filed Under: • Fun-StuffSatire •  
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calendar   Friday - June 23, 2006

Climate Cycles

The longer this goes on, the sillier it gets. Al Gore needs to be locked up in a padded cell for pushing this mumbo-jumbo science. I know the real reason why temps are higher - there are too many people. That’s right. Since the Earth’s population exploded in recent centuries from a few million to several billions, that means there are way too many 98.6 degree warm bodies around. It’s true! Here’s my theory ...

The coldest winter in recent history was during WWII after millions of warm bodies went cold. The winter of 1944 was the coldest it had been in over a century. The second coldest winter was in 1914. Once again, after a major depopulation event. Duh! That proves my theory. The obvious solution to global warming is for the human race to have another great big, hairy war! Trust me, it’ll work!

imageimageEarth Hottest It’s Been in 2,000 Years
(AP via BREITBART)
Jun 22 4:51 PM US/Eastern

The Earth is running a slight fever from greenhouse gases, after enjoying relatively stable temperatures for 2,000 years. The National Academy of Sciences, after reconstructing global average surface temperatures for the past two millennia, said Thursday the data are “additional supporting evidence ... that human activities are responsible for much of the recent warming.”

Other new research showed that global warming produced about half of the extra hurricane-fueled warmth in the North Atlantic in 2005, and natural cycles were a minor factor, according to Kevin Trenberth and Dennis Shea of the National Center for Atmospheric Research, a research lab sponsored by the National Science Foundation and universities.

The academy had been asked to report to Congress on how researchers drew conclusions about the Earth’s climate going back thousands of years, before data was available from modern scientific instruments. The academy convened a panel of 12 climate experts, chaired by Gerald North, a geosciences professor at Texas A&M University, to look at the “proxy” evidence before then, such as tree rings, corals, marine and lake sediments, ice cores, boreholes and glaciers.

Combining that information gave the panel “a high level of confidence that the last few decades of the 20th century were warmer than any comparable period in the last 400 years,” the panel wrote. It said the “recent warmth is unprecedented for at least the last 400 years and potentially the last several millennia,” though it was relatively warm around the year 1000 followed by a “Little Ice Age” from about 1500 to 1850.

Just in case you haven’t had enough of this silliness, James Taranto at Opinion Journal recently invited his readers to send in their climate stories. The following report was sent in by reader Jeff Beliveau. The funny part is there may be some truth to this ...

imageimage8,000 B.C. - Climate Report

Tharg and me used to hunt mighty mammoth but he scared to cross ice bridge. It now too thin to take weight of even saber cat. Only mouse or rabbit can cross.

Many of my people have left the caves in search of food.

Sister’s daughter’s husband says it because of He-Who-Tamed-Fire. He say smoke from fire anger gods and they make it hot. Medicine Man say he full of mastodon droppings.

Medicine Man say Sun God told him Sun God get belly ache every 200 lifes of man. Belly ache make Sun God hotter, like when Og ate red berries birds don’t touch.

Sun God say it good thing. He say now we can go south past ice to land he call “Iowa.”

He mumble “junk science” and “media hype” and “poorly educated reporters.” We no understand these powerful magic words. We afraid to say words now that Moon God warn us. She say magic words make research grants dry up. We no understand.

Must go, little Ky-Rock need help flaking obsidian.


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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 06/23/2006 at 01:41 PM   
Filed Under: • Climate-WeatherSatire •  
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calendar   Monday - June 19, 2006

THE REVOLUTION BEGINS!

Oxymoron: “Russian Intelligence” ... and you thought the CIA was totally f**ked up? Guess again, comrade! According to the KGB and Pravda, there is a military coup taking place right here in America even as I speak. There are running gun battles in the halls of Congress. Special forces are gunning down Senators left and right. George Bush has assumed dictatorial powers. American democracy is dead. Long live Emperor Bush!

At least that’s the way Pravda sees it.

These Russkis crack me up at times. I have to go browse their pages every now and then to find some comic relief in the daily news. Sadly, our comics here in the US are just falling down on the job lately and our media are too busy taking themselves seriously. Pravda however, seems to still be stuck in the old Commie propaganda mode and their “reports” make the National Enquirer and Britains’s SUN look like pikers in comparison. I mean nobody but nobody can come up with this level of fiction like the comrades in the glorious revolution.

Go ahead! Read this marvelous work of journalism. I’ve only copied half of the full report here. You absolutely have to follow the links and go read the whole thing. I promise you’ll crack a rib and maybe even die laughing at the “bias” in the story. Dan Rather needs to go join Pravda. He would fit right in. I promise! Now start reading and don’t blame me if you end up on the floor laughing your ass off. Treasure this story in its entirety. Our media can only dream of this kind of biased reportage. Enjoy ... !

P.S. Don’t tell anyone at DailyKOS or Democratic Underground or MoveOn.org about this story. They will take it as solid truth and then we’ll have to have a real coup just to shut them up and/or get rid of them.

imageimageRussian Intelligence Says Constitutional
Crisis In The USA Takes Deadly Turn

June 6, 2006

(PRAVDA)—Russian Intelligence Analysts are reporting that the ongoing constitutional crisis that has erupted in the United States has taken a decidedly deadly turn as counter-coup forces attempting to block access to the American capitol engaged in a brief gun battle with US Army Special Forces leaving at least 3 dead.

Of this currently unfolding event we can read as reported by England’s Times Online News Service in their article titled “US Capitol Sealed Off After Gunshots Heard,” and which says:

“Police sealed off part of Capitol Hill today after reports that gunshots had been heard in the garage of a House of Representatives office building. The shots were heard in the garage level of the Rayburn Building, which houses offices of members of the US House of Representatives. Bill Pickle, the Senate Sergeant at Arms, told Reuters: “We have been told by staff of shots fired and the smell of smoke in the lobby of the Rayburn House building .”

Russian Intelligence reports further state that the United States Army has activated for this event their 4th Psychological Operations Group / Task Organization and which was the US military unit that coordinated the mis/disinformation campaign during the events of September 11, 2001 to such great effect.

The causes behind this latest escalation between the coup and counter-coup forces in the United States stem from the American President’s attempt to wrest total control of his country from both its elected representatives and its judiciary, and as we can read as reported by Italy’s Bellaciao News Service in their article titled “Bush Asserting Powers Accrued By Hitler,” and which says:

“President Bush has used ‘signing statements’ hundreds of times to vitiate the meaning of statutes passed by Congress. In effect, Bush is vetoing the bills he signs into law by asserting unilateral authority as Commander In Chief to bypass or set aside the laws he signs. For example, Bush has asserted that he has the power to ignore the McCain Amendment Against Torture, to ignore the law that requires a warrant to spy on Americans, to ignore the prohibition against indefinite detention without charges or trial, and to ignore the Geneva Conventions to which the U. S. is signatory.”

In effect, Bush is asserting the same powers seized by Adolf Hitler in 1933. His Federalist Society apologists and Department of Justice appointees claim that President Bush has the same power to interpret the Constitution as the Supreme Court. An Alito Court is likely to agree with this false claim. Bush Justice Department official and Berkeley law professor John Yoo argues that no law can restrict the President in his role as Commander In Chief. Thus, once the president is at war - even a vague, open-ended “war on terror” - Bush’s Justice Department says the president is free to undertake any action in pursuit of war, including the torture of children and the indefinite detention of American citizens.

In a further bid this week to tighten their grip upon the United States, military leaders have announced that their nation’s judges no longer have oversight over their actions, and as we can read as reported by the Reuters News Service in their article titled “US Says Gov’t, Not Courts, Should Judge Spy Secrets,” and which says:

“The United States government, not any court, is the best judge of whether to keep programs such as its controversial effort to eavesdrop on citizens a secret, an assistant attorney general said on Wednesday. Peter Keisler, an assistant attorney general, and other U. S. officials made the claim in the latest filing to a lawsuit alleging that telecommunications firm AT&T illegally allowed the government to monitor phone conversations and e-mail communications.

“In cases such as this one, where the national security of the United States is implicated, it is well established that the executive branch is best positioned to judge the potential effects of disclosure of sensitive information on the nation’s security, they wrote in a filing on Wednesday evening.”


But perhaps the greatest threat to the American people surrounding these events was the military leaders of the United States launching an unprecedented raid upon their nation’s Capitol Building, and as we can read as reported by the Chicago Sun Times News Service in their article titled “Bush Woos Fiery Hastert With 45-Day Cooldown”, and which says:

“President Bush ordered a 45-day cooling off period Thursday between Congress and the Justice Department in a battle over a lawmaker’s seized documents, a bid to patch frayed relations between the White House and House Speaker J. Dennis Hastert.

Hastert, usually a Bush loyalist, on Thursday accused the Justice Department of trying to intimidate’him by leaking information to ABC News. The leak was prompted, he said, by his complaints about a weekend FBI raid of Rep. William Jefferson’s Capitol Hill office. The Louisiana Democrat is the target of an FBI corruption probe. The Sun-Times learned that Hastert confronted Bush with his concerns over the FBI raid during the president’s trip to Chicago on Monday to address the National Restaurant Association.”


- Believe it or not, there’s even more of this silliness at PRAVDA! Da, comrade ...


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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 06/19/2006 at 08:34 PM   
Filed Under: • HumorSatire •  
Comments (8) Trackbacks(0)  Permalink •  

calendar   Friday - June 16, 2006

Words You Cannot Use: Deviancy

Your Attention, Please! You are hereby required to remove from your vocabulary the following word as it pertains to persons of alternative lifestyle, also known as homosexuals. It seems they are offended by the term and have alerted the Politically Correct Police to that fact. The PC Police are herewith ordered to arrest and imprison anyone using the word in public. Punishment may include either 200 hours of community service or having to watch an entire season of “Queer Eye For The Straight Guy” and write a report on “The Benefits of Homosexuality” of no less than twenty single-spaced typed pages, describing in detail how you think homesexuals have truly benefited mankind over the course of history.

de·vi·ant

adjective: Differing from a norm or from the accepted standards of a society.

noun: One that differs from a norm, especially a person whose behavior and attitudes differ from accepted social standards.

[Middle English deviaunt, from Late Latin dvins, dviant-, present participle of dvire, to deviate; see deviate.]

devi·ance, devi·an·cy n.

-- American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language

Deviant behavior is behavior that is a recognized violation of social norms. Formal and informal social controls attempt to prevent and minimize deviance. Crime, the violation of formally enacted law, is formal deviance while an informal social violation such as picking one’s nose is an example of informal deviance. It also means not doing what the majority does or alternatively doing what the majority does not do. For instance, behaviors caused by cultural difference can be seen as deviance. It does not necessarily mean criminal behavior.—Wikipedia

So why are we bring this to your attention? Read the news story below from the Washington Post and learn why another word has been expunged from your dictionary. We urge you not to deviate from this new verbal proclamation in any way shape or form.

Metro Board Member Fired for Comment on Gays
Friday, June 16, 2006

Maryland Gov. Robert L. Ehrlich Jr. yesterday fired Robert J. Smith, his appointee on the Metro transit authority board, for referring to gay people as sexual deviants on a cable television show. “Robert Smith’s comments were highly inappropriate, insensitive and unacceptable,” Ehrlich (R) said in a statement less than five hours after the controversy erupted during a Metro board meeting. “They are in direct conflict to my administration’s commitment to inclusiveness, tolerance and opportunity.”

At the Metro meeting, board member Jim Graham, who represents the District, had called for Smith to disavow his remarks or apologize or for Ehrlich to remove him. “As someone who cares deeply about human rights, and as an openly gay elected official . . . I cannot remain silent in the face of these comments,” Graham said, reading from a prepared statement. Smith acknowledged after the meeting that he had referred to homosexuals as “persons of sexual deviancy” during a political round-table discussion on a Montgomery County cable show that was shown on Sunday.

“Homosexual behavior, in my view, is deviant,” he said. “I’m a Roman Catholic.” Smith said his comments had been part of a discussion about a proposed ban on same-sex marriage. “The comments I make in public outside of my [Metro board job] I’m entitled to make,” he said. His personal beliefs, he said, have “absolutely nothing to do with running trains and buses and have not affected my actions or decisions on this board.”

- More on this story at the WAPO ...


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Posted by The Skipper   United States  on 06/16/2006 at 03:08 PM   
Filed Under: • Politically-IncorrectSatire •  
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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:
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Oh, and here's some kind of visitor flag counter thingy. Hey, all the cool blogs have one, so I should too. The Visitors Online thingy up at the top doesn't count anything, but it looks neat. It had better, since I paid actual money for it.
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