Friday - February 02, 2007

Really Really Really Strange News Story Of The Week

Your mission for today is to create a name for this medical condition that compels someone to compulsively collect tombstones. I’ve got dibs on “mortilapidophiliac”.

47 Tombstones Found in Dead Man’s Locker
_{LINCOLN, Neb. (NEWSDAY) - February 2, 2007, 10:21 AM EST}

A dead man’s storage locker yielded dozens of tombstones, a macabre collection that police believe represents “a lifetime of stealing.” Some of the 47 gravestones date to the late 1800s; others are relatively recent. Police say they probably came from different cemeteries at different times.

The markers were found by the family of a Lincoln man who died last summer, but it wasn’t until Thursday that police matched the first one to a grave. Police Chief Tom Casady found the mother named on a stone that said only: “Infant son of Charles & Janice Schmidt 1965.”

Janice Schmidt of Clatonia, 25 miles south of Lincoln, said she and her husband had always thought of their stillborn baby as Michael Shawn Schmidt, so in 2000 they put in a new stone with the name.

She was shocked that the original gravestone had turned up in a storage unit. “To think that it was stolen from wherever it was stolen from, you feel kind of hurt or violated,” she said.

Casady said the tombstone collection “probably came from a lifetime of stealing headstones.” Seeking more families, investigators are checking death certificates and have also put photos of the gravestones on their Web site.

Posted by The Skipper     on 02/02/2007 at 11:27 AM   
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   Thursday - February 01, 2007

The Know-Bull Prize

Hell, they gave this prize to Yassir Arafish and Dhimmi Carter. What difference is it going to make to give it to one more loon. Stoopid Swedes. It’s a good thing they have beautiful blonde women. Otherwise they’d be totally useless.

Al Gore Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize
_{OSLO, Norway (AP) - Feb 01 6:29 AM US/Eastern}

Former Vice President Al Gore was nominated for the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize for his wide-reaching efforts to draw the world’s attention to the dangers of global warming, a Norwegian lawmaker said Thursday.

“A prerequisite for winning the Nobel Peace Prize is making a difference, and Al Gore has made a difference,” Conservative Member of Parliament Boerge Brende, a former minister of environment and then of trade, told The Associated Press.

Brende said he joined political opponent Heidi Soerensen of the Socialist Left Party to nominate Gore as well as Canadian Inuit activist Sheila Watt-Cloutier before the nomination deadline expired Thursday.

“Al Gore, like no other, has put climate change on the agenda. Gore uses his position to get politicians to understand, while Sheila works from the ground up,” Brende said.

Posted by The Skipper     on 02/01/2007 at 04:15 PM   
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   Friday - January 26, 2007

A Spooky Little Girl Like You

Have you ever wondered why E.T. doesn’t show his/her face? What about all those UFO’s gliding stealthily across our skies? Surely they can look down on our advanced society and see how intelligent, progressive and civilized we are, can’t they?

On second thought maybe they’re looking at Muslims blowing themselves up for 72 imaginary virgins and people like the Chinese in the story below and can’t decide if the human race is seriously for real of if we’re just some cosmic vaudeville act with no other reason for existing other than to provide belly laughs for the Klingons, Vulcans, Romulans, Vogons, Ferenghi, Borg, etc.

From where I sit, it looks like we’re a hit on the galactic slapstick circuit, playing for a hidden audience laughing uproariously out there beyond the footlights. Which brings me to the question of the day: can a corpse be accused of necrophilia? I mean if he’s dead ... and she’s dead ... isn’t there some loophole to cover this? Perhaps E.T. can answer that one for us. Let’s ask him ...

Three Reportedly Held in ‘Ghost Bride’ Sale
_{BEIJING (AP) - January 26, 2007, 1:24 PM EST}

Police in northern China have detained three men for the deaths of two women whose corpses were to be sold as “ghost brides” to accompany dead men in the afterlife, state media said.

Authorities indicated that the killings last year were not isolated cases, the Legal Daily newspaper said on its Web site, but did not give any details. Yang Dongyan, 35, a farmer from Shaanxi province, said he had bought a young woman for $1,600 and planned to sell her as a bride, according to the paper.

But then he met Liu Shenghai, who told him that the woman could command a higher price as a “ghost bride,” it said. The tradition, called “minghun” or afterlife marriage, is common in the Loess Plateau region of northern China, where a recently deceased woman is buried with a bachelor to keep him company after his death.

Yang killed the woman in a ditch, bagged her body, and sold her for $2,077 to Li Longsheng, an undertaker, who said he could find a buyer, the paper said. Yang gave Liu a portion of the profits, it added.

Yang later went to the city of Yan’an and hired a prostitute he had used before, killed her and sold her for $1,000 to Li because she was “less pretty,” the paper said. The report did not give any details of how the women were killed or how the men were detained. “I did it to earn quick money,” the paper quoted Yang as saying. “If I had not been caught this early, I would’ve done it again.”

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/26/2007 at 01:45 PM   
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   Wednesday - January 24, 2007

Mummy Dearest

Whining Democrats, golfing parakeets, deported illegals, freed prisoners, John Kerry, greedy insurance companies and now ... baby mummys? I can see right now this day is going to hell in a handbasket at light-speed. Read this and the posts below at your own peril. I’m going back to bed until it all blows over ...

WOMAN FINDS BABY MUMMY
_{(NEW YORK POST) - January 24, 2007}

A New Jersey woman cleaning out her parents’ rented Florida storage space made a chilling find: a partly mummified baby boy wrapped in a 1950s newspaper and hidden in a suitcase.

The child’s body was intact, with hair on his head and “fat little cheeks,” said Delray Beach police spokesman Jeff Messer. The body was found wrapped in a newspaper dated Jan. 9, 1957.

When the unidentified woman and her husband went to Security Self Storage Monday, they “found an old suitcase, opened it up, and inside was another suitcase. When they opened up that suitcase, they found the baby,” Messer said.

The cause of death hasn’t been determined. The rattled woman wondered “if this could be a sibling,” Messer said.

Any bets on whether this mummy’s last name is “Hoffa”? 

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/24/2007 at 10:53 AM   
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   Monday - January 08, 2007

The End Times

New York Choking In Strange Gas

The smell of gas throughout much of Manhattan forced the evacuation of buildings and the suspension of a commuter train service on Monday, authorities and media reported.

There were no immediate reports of injuries. “We are getting several calls of a foul odor. Our units are responding. It’s in various parts of the city,” a police spokesman said. Part of the New York-New Jersey PATH commuter train system, which carries 225,000 passengers a day, was shut as a result.

“The service has been suspended between Hoboken and 33rd (Street) and Journal Square and 33rd pending an investigation by Con Ed and the fire department,” PATH spokesman Pasquale Difulco said. New York’s CBS affiliate reported several Manhattan office buildings and schools were evacuated.

(REUTERS - NEW YORK)

Dead Birds Falling Out Of The Sky in Austin

Austin police have shut down Congress Ave. from Cesar Chavez St. to 11th St. after finding between 40 and 60 dead birds around 3 a.m. along Congress Ave. between 6th and 8th Streets.

Experts tested the air for any sort of environmental contaminant or gas or chlorine leaks that might have killed off the birds, police spokeswoman Toni Chovanetz said, but no traces were found. The birds will now have to be examined by experts to determine what killed them. Bird species included grackles, pigeons and sparrows.

There were no reports of any humans harmed, but a 10-block stretch of Congress Ave., several side streets and all buildings in the area were blocked off and expected to remain off-limits until about noon, Chovanetz said.

(CBS-TV 42 AUSTIN)

Killer Bees Swarming In New Orleans

Testing from the Department of Agriculture and Forestry revealed a swarm of Africanized bees—more commonly known as “killer bees”—were discovered inside a St. Bernard home in October 2006, Department Commissioner Bob Odum said Friday.

This is the farthest east Africanized bees have been found in Louisiana, Odom said. The house in question was located in the 2200 block of Esteban Street in Arabi, Odom said. The contractor hired to knock the home down noticed a high population of aggressive bees living in the structure and contacted a local beekeeper.

After discovering the severity of the problem, the beekeeper notified local mosquito control officials, who treated the area and collected samples to be sent off to the Department of Agriculture and Forestry for positive ID, Odom said.

(WWL-TV NEW ORLEANS)

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/08/2007 at 12:21 PM   
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   Wednesday - January 03, 2007

Scooby-Snacks

Connecticut Woman Accused of Using Dog’s Name to Get Painkillers
_{FARMINGTON, Conn. (FOX NEWS) - Wednesday, January 03, 2007}

A Burlington woman has been charged with trying to get painkillers from a drug store by using her dog’s name.

Kymberly Smith, 38, faces more than two dozen charges related to her alleged repeated attempts to fraudulently obtain painkillers at a Farmington pharmacy under her dog’s name.

Police said Smith is charged with using her dog Zack’s name to get Hydrocodone, which is marketed under several names including Vicodin.

Simsbury police said Smith was also arrested in June after she was allegedly caught calling in a fraudulent prescription for the same drug.

Farmington police said Smith was a veterinary technician for several area veterinarians when she began using their ID number to call in prescriptions for herself under the name “Zack Smith.”

Posted by The Skipper     on 01/03/2007 at 03:34 PM   
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   Sunday - December 31, 2006

Year-End Closeout Sale On Moonbattery: 50% Off

• Turtle sets off fire alarm in Dorset, UK! Brussels blamed. Well, Brussels Sprouts anyway.


• A bit of science news perhaps? Philips is researching a laser razor that can make one shave last more than a month. Smooth!


• Brits feel America does at least one thing right: we’re better drivers than anyone! And we make it easy to rent a car!


• Spanish woman becomes first time mother, of twins, at 67!


• Godzilla celebrates 50th birthday. A real smashing party in Tokyo?


• What, Fallujah again? How many times to we have to take this shithole?


• First it was a fatwa against french fries, now it’s no rubbers (not even those tiny Indian ones)! What’s a poor disaffected Indian muslim youth to do?


• India to attempt to overload cell phone net on New Year’s Eve: more than 1 billion SMS messages to be sent that day.


• Kim Jong Il might try to get around international sanctions by selling gold in London. He’s done it before, after all.


• Locust plague in Eritrea. Moses could not be reached for comment.


• Swan plague in England. Shoot them? Hell no, but here’s a recipe just in case!


• And finally, you’ve got to go to Pravda to get the best headlines: “Saddam Hussein thrown in the garbage of history”. Good title, comrade!

Posted by Drew458     on 12/31/2006 at 12:26 PM   
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   Friday - December 22, 2006

Under The Yurt

As we reported here last Spring, the Krazy Kazakhs of Kazakhstan were in the process of building a giant pyramid in their new capitol city. It was financed with all the oil money flowing in that used to go to Moscow. So what happened to the giant pyramid in the middle of the Asian steppe? Well, it was built and is now open for business with yak milk for all ....

So what do you do now if you’re the repressive dictator of a miserable third world backwater? Well, you gather your thoughts (and your money) and you decide to enclose a good part of your capitol city under a giant tent (yurt) to keep out the -31 degree winds of winter on the the steppe. And you use a special fabric for the Giant Yurt that traps sunlight so your peoples can enjoy swimming and golfing in winter. Not that any of them know how to swim and none have ever seen a golf course. Those are just details ....

Posted by The Skipper     on 12/22/2006 at 10:13 AM   
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   Sunday - December 10, 2006

Through The Looking Glass

Posted by The Skipper     on 12/10/2006 at 01:54 PM   
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   Saturday - December 09, 2006

Mini-Indians

Unexplained Mystery #69: If their dinguses are so small then why are there so many of them? One thing’s for sure, we won’t be outsourcing porn flick production to India any time soon. Mheh ....

Speak up, sir...You need the extra small condoms?
_{NEW DELHI (Reuters) - Fri Dec 8, 8:21 AM ET}

Condoms designed to meet international size specifications are too big for many Indian men as their penises fall short of what manufacturers had anticipated, an Indian study has found.

The Indian Council of Medical Research, a leading state-run center, said its initial findings from a two-year study showed 60 percent of men in the financial capital Mumbai had penises about 2.4 cm (one inch) shorter than those condoms catered for.

For a further 30 percent, the difference was at least 5 cm (two inches). A poor fit meant the prophylactics often didn’t do the job they were bought for, and led to some tearing or slipping off during use.

“One of the reasons for a failure of up to 20 percent (of condoms) is the association of the size of the condom to the erect penis,” the council’s Dr. Chander Puri told Reuters, adding another reason was couples often put them on in a hurry.

Puri said many men in India, which has the world’s highest HIV positive caseload, were too shy to ask for condoms. “We need more vending machines for condoms of different sizes so people can pick a condom with confidence that is suited to their needs,” he said.

The Times of India reported the ICMR survey had studied 1,400 men between 18-50 years of age in cities like Mumbai and New Delhi as well as in rural areas in a report. It entitled its story “Indian men don’t measure up.”

Posted by The Skipper     on 12/09/2006 at 02:32 PM   
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   Wednesday - December 06, 2006

Most Ridiculous Item Of The Day (so far)

Don’t Pull My Finger
_{NASHVILLE (WBIR-TV) - December 6, 2006}

Flatulence brought 99 passengers on an American Airlines flight to an unscheduled visit to Nashville early Monday morning.

American Flight 1053, from Washington Reagan National Airport and bound for Dallas/Fort Worth, made an emergency landing here after passengers reported smelling struck matches, said Lynne Lowrance, a spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority.

The plane landed safely. The FBI, Transportation Safety Administration and airport authority responded to the emergency, Lowrance said.

The passengers and five crew members were brought off the plane, together with all the luggage, to go through security checks again. Bomb-sniffing dogs found spent matches.

The FBI questioned a passenger who admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal body odor, Lowrance said. The woman lives near Dallas and has a medical condition.

The flight took off again, but the woman was not allowed back on the plane. “American has banned her for a long time,” Lowrance said.

She was not charged but could have been. While it is legal to bring as many as four books of paper safety matches onto an aircraft, it is illegal to strike a match in an airplane, Lowrance said.

Posted by The Skipper     on 12/06/2006 at 03:33 AM   
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   Monday - December 04, 2006

Return To Sender

ATTENTION: The US Postal Service wants you to know that if you have Christmas cards or phone bills that are addressed to zip code 10048 your mail will probably not be delivered due to circumstances beyond their control ... namely the fact that the address no longer exists. The USPS suggests you get your stupid butt up to date on current events and possibly update your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation ....

Mail Still Being Sent to World Trade Center 5 Years After Terror Attacks
_{(FOX NEWS) - Monday, December 04, 2006}

It’s the kind of holiday mail that might have been tossed aside, discarded like any other piece of junk mail: a special offer for a facial at a local spa. Only the address on the letter no longer exists. And the woman the letter is addressed to died more than five years ago in the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center.

Hundreds of pieces of mail destined for the former trade center still arrive every day at a post office facing ground zero — the relics of the unfinished lives of Sept. 11 victims.

Telephone bills, insurance statements, wine club announcements, college alumni newsletters, even government checks populate the bundles of mail. Each bears the ZIP code once reserved exclusively for the twin towers: 10048.

“I guess sooner or later they’ll realize the towers aren’t back up,” said letter carrier Seprina Jones-Sims, who handles the trade center mail. “I don’t know when.”

Some of the nation’s most recognizable companies and organizations, from retailers to research hospitals, are among those sending the mail. Much of it seems to result from businesses not updating their bulk mailing lists, said U.S. Postal Service spokeswoman Pat McGovern.

The postal service declined to identify the senders and recipients of the letters according to policy. Several companies formerly housed in the towers also declined comment. The trade center mail meets varied fates once it arrives at the Church Street station.

A handful of companies pay for a service that forces the post office to hold the mail until a messenger picks it up. The rest of the mail travels various routes. Some will be returned to the sender, some will be forwarded to the company’s current address and some will be sent to a Brooklyn recycling firm to be destroyed.

That the Postal Service is even forwarding mail from a nonexistent address five years later is rare. “Normally we’d only forward mail for a year, but we’re making an exception here,” McGovern said.

The trade center’s mail used to travel from the Church Street post office and up through the towers. It would start on the ground tucked in the letter carrier’s bag and continue up higher and higher — to the 68th floor, the 89th floor, the 104th floor.

The morning’s mail never made it through the flames and smoke on Sept. 11, 2001. It stayed put with the letter carriers, who silently observed the chaos that unfurled outside the post office.

Flying debris blew out most of its windows. After a three-year restoration, its doors officially reopened in August 2004.

Posted by The Skipper     on 12/04/2006 at 11:08 AM   
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   Sunday - December 03, 2006

SAVE THE GOAT!

It has been months since I have been able to run a goat story. I was beginning to despair of ever hearing of another goat like the one on a pole in Pakistan. This has bothered me greatly. After all, one of the primary missions of this blog is to protect the goats of the world from the Muslims who take great pleasure in humping our precious goats.

Now finally I have stumbled across another heart-warming goat story to help spread holiday cheer through the world. This goat is in Sweden, the country that gave us gorgeous blondes, Viking marauders, Bjorn Borg and ABBA - quite a set of accomplishments from a country that is frozen most of the year. This goat is huge and made of straw - which probably means it is safe from the Muslim goat “lovers”. Maybe.

The Gävle Goat, or “Gävlebocken” as it is known in Sweden, is older than Santa Claus. Unlike Jolly Old Saint Nick however, the Gävlebocken doesn’t bring presents or keep a list of who is naughty and nice (Muslims in the first category by default). No, the Gävlebocken just stands there in the middle of town - a massive statue of straw. Which brings up the subject of ... fire.

“Fire?”, you ask. Yes, the Gävlebocken has become the target of choice for Christmas terrorists. Year after year, the local fire department in Gävle has had to rush out in the middle of the night to save the goat. These goat-burning fanatics are members of the Axis Of Naughty. Yes, I can reveal all now - Glenn Reynolds and his evil minions have been behind the annual burning of the goat! And unless he gives me an “instalanche” real soon now, I’m turning him over to the Swedish Homelannden Securytie.

Key quote in the story below: “not even napalm can set fire to the goat now.” Yeah, right. Has anyone checked out the recent large shipment of ”willy pete” to a certain lawyer-type blogger in Tenessee? The Swedes better keep an eye out for Reynolds. He hates goats ... and puppies. Trust me. Would I lie to you .... ?

Swedes Guard Christmas Goat From Vandals
_{STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) - December 3, 2006, 11:52 AM EST}

For 40 years it has been torched, vandalized, had its legs cut off and even been run over by a car. But officials in the Swedish city of Gavle are guaranteeing that this year’s giant straw Christmas goat—the victim of Sweden’s most violent yule tradition—will survive unscathed.

The 43-foot-high goat—a centuries-old yule symbol that preceded Santa Claus as the bringer of gifts to Swedish homes—has been burned down 22 times since it was first set up in Gavle’s square on Dec. 3, 1966.

But for its 40th anniversary Sunday, officials think they have finally outsmarted the resourceful vandals by dousing the battered ram with flame-resistant chemicals normally used on airplanes.

“It is impossible to burn it to the ground this year, although you might be able to singe its paws,” said Anna Ostman, a spokeswoman for the committee in charge of building the goat. “After 40 years, we think we finally found the solution.”

The company providing the fireproof treatment is so sure of its resilience that its spokesman Freddy Klassmo told newspaper Aftonbladet that “not even napalm can set fire to the goat now.”

For those who want to follow its fate, a 24-hour Web cam has been set up to film the straw goat where it stands on the central square in Gavle, 90 miles north of Stockholm. However, the security guards that have watched over previous versions have been called off, Ostman said.

“We can sleep very soundly at night now,” she said. “The goat can too.” While the origins of the Christmas goat are unclear, the symbol is believed to date back to Norse mythology and the two goats that drew the carriage of Thor, the god of thunder.

Many Swedes place a small straw goat underneath their Christmas tree, or hang miniature versions on the branches. Since 1966, just 10 of Gavle’s giant goats have survived beyond Christmas Day. Aside from being burned, several were beaten down and the 1976 goat was hit by a car.

The vandals are seldom caught, but the 2001 culprit—51-year-old American Lawrence Jones—was convicted and spent 18 days in jail. The 2005 vandals—who witnesses said were dressed up as Santa Claus and the Gingerbread Man—remain at large. The pair fired flaming arrows at the goat, reducing it to its steel skeleton.

Posted by The Skipper     on 12/03/2006 at 12:30 PM   
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   Wednesday - November 15, 2006

Weird News Bytes

• Five-year-old kindergarten kid busted for bringing a pocket knife to school. The boy held police off for hours while sucking his thumb and screaming, “You’ll never take Rico alive, coppers!”


• Global warming is messing up bears hibernation patterns in Russia. The bears are wandering around and can’t sleep because Al Gore is keeping them awake with his endless babbling.


• If E.T. looks down on Earth he will see the Great Wall of China and ... Kentucky Fried Chicken. Will he land and say “Take me to your Colonel!”


• In Australia, a lot of dead men are getting traffic tickets. “But officer, I was only on the way from the morgue and I only had a single beer. Really!”


• Bats are taking over Americus, Georgia! Get Commissioner Gordon on the phone and tell him we need Batman ASAP - we’ll be hiding in the bat room.

Posted by The Skipper     on 11/15/2006 at 03:45 PM   
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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:

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