BMEWS
 
Death once had a near-Sarah Palin experience.

calendar   Saturday - January 31, 2015

You May Be A Redneck If …

Your Child May Be A Terrorist If ...

France Alerts Parents To Junior Jihadi Warning Signs, Confuses Rest of World


And they mocked Boooosh when he said how the drug cartels were related to the terrorists. Which they are, of course. Now France has an easy-to-misunderstand warning poster ...

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Let’s see ... this is Fwance after all; earthy, forthright, tactless, practical, and with a language no one can understand. So we have to guess at the meanings and hope some of the words seem familiar.  The document is real enough though.

Top to bottom, left to right

Your french child may be a terrorist if ...
•  They no longer let the girlfriend hold their penis in public.
•  They don’t want to be seen in public with their baby mamas and their love sprats.
•  They stop eating French bread. Alors! Call the gendarmes!!
•  They forget how to dunk. Really? Could french guys dunk before this? Who knew?
•  They leave their iPads at home and reject recorded music as empty noise devoid of meaning and nuance, preferring only live jazz performed by genuine black people.
•  Same thing goes for video games and television. With the exception of Jerry Lewis movies and episodes of East Enders, of course.
•  They forget how to swim. Let’s face it, swimming is one of the least necessary skills for terrorists in the desert. Ah ha!!
•  They stop wearing women’s dresses and begin clothing themselves like dead people? Damn, this French stuff is hard to read!!
•  They spend time online researching AR15 accessories, especially trying to understand “the front part that goes up”, and sit around the cafes by hours debating the proper way to pronounce “Picatinny Rail System”

Funny, there’s nothing here about burning cars, being “disaffected”, how to tie that pesky kaffeya scarf, ways to mistreat women, what the 3 stones are all about, which way is southeast, this year’s fashion tips for suicide vests, or even how to get the cous-cous just right. I’d call it a pretty half-hearted effort from a government afraid to face the truth.


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 01/31/2015 at 01:54 PM   
Filed Under: • FRANCEHumorWar On Terror •  
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calendar   Sunday - January 18, 2015

simple awful

I got my phd in palindromes. These days I’m addressed as Dr Awkward.


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 01/18/2015 at 02:04 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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calendar   Monday - January 05, 2015

Taking CCW Too Far

Must Have Been A “Sex Shooter”: Inmate Smuggles Gun Into Prison, Internally



Rapid Fire Rimshots -

Makes me wonder if Ronco is getting into the firearms business with their new model “vag-o-matic”.

Cooter Shooter!

You should see her fast draw! Come to think of it, no, you probably shouldn’t!

If a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, what’s a bird worth with one in the bush?

{ancient punchline} So he says, “Flashlight? Oh hell if you can find your flashlight we can find my truck keys and drive home!”

Was that a “piece"-maker?

When they said to carry it cocked and locked, this is not what they meant!

[ pauses to reload ... ]




New Mexico woman smuggles gun into jail in genitals, ditches it in bathroom trash

She didn’t stick to her guns. [ thank goodness her guns didn’t stick to her! ]

A New Mexico woman smuggled a handgun into an Albuquerque jail in her genitals and dumped the firearm in a bathroom trash can, police said.

Josephine McAllister, 34, managed to get the firearm past at least four officers who searched her while booking her on stolen credit card charges Dec. 16, police said.

She ditched the gun in the Metropolitan Detention Center bathroom as soon as she could, police said.

An inmate discovered the contraband while taking out the trash and alerted jail officials.

McAllister, who was high on heroin, told police she did not hand the gun over out of fear she would get in more trouble,


EWWW. Still, coulda been worse. She could’ve brought a spare hi-cap magazine in next to it too.


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 01/05/2015 at 11:06 AM   
Filed Under: • CrimeHumorStoopid-People •  
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calendar   Monday - December 22, 2014

digital irony


a screen capture from my PC


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rolleyes  rolleyes  rolleyes 


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 12/22/2014 at 11:05 PM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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calendar   Monday - December 08, 2014

5 way

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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 12/08/2014 at 11:56 PM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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calendar   Sunday - December 07, 2014

Crivens

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See More Below The Fold

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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 12/07/2014 at 12:50 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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calendar   Saturday - November 29, 2014

Very Telling

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?


Ask them to pronounce ‘unionized.’



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Not as funny, but oh so true ...

The programmer’s wife sends him to the store: Get a loaf of bread and, if they have any eggs, get a dozen.

He returned with 13 loaves of bread.

( I had to correct the source, which said he came home with 12 loaves. Obvious error. ... what, you want me to draw you a flowchart for that?? )

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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 11/29/2014 at 08:23 PM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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calendar   Monday - November 24, 2014

In the Inbox

Don’t blame me, I just open my mail ...

Drinking with a Texan girl





A Mexican, an Arab, and a Texan gal are in the same bar.




When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, ‘In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don’t need to drink with the same one twice.’


The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, ‘In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don’t need to drink with the same one twice either.’




The Texan gal, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, ‘In Texas we have so many illegal aliens that we don’t have to drink with the same ones twice.’




‘God Bless America! ‘


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 11/24/2014 at 09:49 PM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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calendar   Wednesday - November 19, 2014

A Really Great Idea

from around the internet ... an idea attributed to NFL broadcaster Jiggs McDonald ...been out there a couple years, but it’s as good as new ...

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says,

“I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the proposed mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.”

“That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, “The Turban Cowboy,” and the other, a topless bar, would be called “You Mecca Me Hot.”

“Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called “Iraq of Ribs.”

“Across the street there could be a lingerie store called “Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret,” with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.”

“Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, “Koranal Knowledge “, its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called “Morehammered.”

“All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.”

I think this is a good start; I’d add a radical womyn’s center that was also a tattoo parlor and a dog grooming shop.


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Posted by Drew458   Canada  on 11/19/2014 at 08:48 PM   
Filed Under: • HumorRoPMA •  
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deja poo two

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At least this time around it wasn’t at Bill Ayers’ house. Or under the Oval Office desk.


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Posted by Drew458   Canada  on 11/19/2014 at 01:39 PM   
Filed Under: • Health-MedicineHumorObama, The One •  
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calendar   Monday - November 10, 2014

Take My Money, Please

After spending a couple of chilly hours raking out the garden, Drew goes online to do some early holiday shopping research ...

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I want your gear!

Unbelievable. There isn’t an official Comedy Central authorized line of Brickleberry stuff. Not even t-shirts.

Because, damn, I want a Malloy sleeper, ladies petite. Or a Brickleberry T, men’s 2XL.

They don’t exist. What’s going on? Is Comedy Central a bunch of anti-capitalist commies? Don’t they know how easy it would be to send a few cells over to Cafe Press and get the ball rolling? It’s, like, free advertising.

Brickleberry is a fantastic cartoon. It’s so wrong. So wrong, wrong, wrong ... that it’s just right!

Let me give all the fake outrage enthusiasts a head start on their Change.org petitions, their Facebook protest groups and their calls to television execs concerning Comedy Central’s new animated series Brickleberry. Here are the things about which you’ll be outraged: the making fun of a child quadruple amputee, animal abuse, overt racism (against blacks, Mexicans, Colombians and Koreans), jokes about AIDS, jokes about abortions, jokes about alcoholism, making light of the Klu Klux Klan, the implied imminent rape of a bear cub, jokes about rednecks and making fun of war veterans. Allow me also to apologize in advance if you feel I’ve missed anything once you’ve watched (for research purposes only, of course) the series premiere on Sept. 25 at 10:30 pm.

On his Comedy Central show “Tosh.0,” the comedian Daniel Tosh sometimes seems to be trying his very hardest to offend us by making the most sexist or racist comments possible. But he gets away with this because his targets, usually people who have made fools of themselves on viral videos, have set themselves up for ridicule. More importantly, his jokes are witty.

Although Tosh is the executive producer of the channel’s new animated series “Brickleberry,” it has neither of those redeeming qualities. The writers seem to think that being “outrageous” — by invoking stereotypes about minority groups or by going for gross-outs — is funny by itself. But the wearying onslaught of pointless, witless, mean-spirited jokes will depress viewers, with the possible exception of 12-to-14-year-old boys.
...
Other bad jokes have little to do with the plotlines. Denzel says he likes dating old ladies because “they’re sweet, loyal, and they can take out their teeth.” Steve throws an amputee Cub Scout into a lake, presumably letting him drown. The show opens with a wide shot of wild animals having sex, including some practices that used to be called unnatural acts.

You betcha, lowbrow humor in its rawest form. And no one is safe. Which is why the show is simply awesome. Comedy Central, Tuesday nights at 10:30. It’s not for children.

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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 11/10/2014 at 05:47 PM   
Filed Under: • HumorTelevision •  
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calendar   Wednesday - October 22, 2014

Reed Twice, Print Once

I got a little mailer card from a local doctor today. A nice glossy little fold out, telling all about his experience and the kinds of things he specializes in.

On the back page, along with the office hours, phone numbers, and web page URL, there was even a little map.

And then written below that was

New Patients Seen Immediately
All Major Carriers Excepted


Poor doc. He’s going to have such a hard time getting new patients, seeing as he no longer takes anyone’s health insurance.

I think he meant to write “All major carriers accepted”.  And I try so hard to not be a grammar Nazi.



wring wring, wring wring

Can someone please answer the homophone?

Halo? Hoo? Write! Hay, its four ewe!


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 10/22/2014 at 11:45 PM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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calendar   Sunday - October 12, 2014

a better view of twin peaks from daily mash

I read about this site, Daily Mash, yesterday. A reviewer thought highly of it however, there wasn’t any warning.
In other words, while some things may be funny and the site is meant to be satirical, there are some things that could also bother some.

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People who claim to have watched Twin Peaks mostly lying

MOST people claiming to have seen the original Twin Peaks series are not telling the truth, it has emerged.

Following the announcement of a new series, television aficionados are bullshitting about having seen the first one when they were about four years old.

Web designer Roy Hobbs said: “I was bang into it. It’s weird, dark and there’s a dwarf in it.

“My favourite episode? Well…that’d be, probably, ‘Dwarf’.”

He added: “Clearly I am being dishonest, sorry I didn’t think we’d go into specifics.

“Now I feel ashamed.”

Plasterer Norman Steele lied about having seen the original Twin Peaks when asked by friends in the pub.

“My mate’s mate asked me if I had seen it and I just thought ‘You know what? I can get away with saying ‘Yes’ here’. So, I did.

“And I don’t think anyone noticed. I quickly changed the subject to Blue Velvet which I have seen.”

Twin Peaks creator David Lynch said: “This is going to be bigger than Breaking Bad, at least until about halfway through season one when it gets too confusing and everyone loses interest.”

DAILY MASH


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Posted by peiper   United Kingdom  on 10/12/2014 at 02:40 AM   
Filed Under: • HumorSatire •  
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calendar   Thursday - September 25, 2014

Sometimes I’m Afraid To Ask

Donkeys Reunited After Polish Sex Scandal


follow the link if you must to the latest big story from Poland.

Or read an excerpt here, below the fold. 

See More Below The Fold

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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 09/25/2014 at 04:07 PM   
Filed Under: • AnimalsHumorTypical White People: Stupid, Evil, Willfully Blind •  
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DISCLAIMER
Allanspacer

THE SERVICES AND MATERIALS ON THIS WEBSITE ARE PROVIDED "AS IS" AND THE HOSTS OF THIS SITE EXPRESSLY DISCLAIMS ANY AND ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, TO THE EXTENT PERMITTED BY LAW INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF SATISFACTORY QUALITY, MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, WITH RESPECT TO THE SERVICE OR ANY MATERIALS.

Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:
  1. Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong
  2. Stay involved with government on every level and don't let those bastards get away with a thing
  3. Use every legal means to defend yourself in the event of real internal trouble, and, most importantly:
  4. Keep talking to each other, whether here or elsewhere
It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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GNU Terry Pratchett


Oh, and here's some kind of visitor flag counter thingy. Hey, all the cool blogs have one, so I should too. The Visitors Online thingy up at the top doesn't count anything, but it looks neat. It had better, since I paid actual money for it.
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