BMEWS
 
Sarah Palin will pry your Klondike bar from your cold dead fingers.

calendar   Sunday - August 09, 2015

Nearly Child Abuse

I saw these in the grocery store the other night. My first thought was what a cruel trick it would be to play on a kid.  Then I figured the little brat probably had it coming, and I started laughing right there. A nearby senior lady was shopping and asked me what was so funny. Look at these I said. Perfect revenge on a bratty grandchild. She laughed too.

“Who wants a yummy Popsicle?”

“I do Grandma, I do I do! Me me me!!!”

“Here you go sugar honey, in a special flavor just for you!”

[Kid attacks ice pop. Lick lick, chomp. Face turns grey, eyes bug out, rushes to sink and yaks it up. Much coughing and staggering around the kitchen holding stomach]

“Ewww gross! What kind of %^!# is this made from?”

“Why it’s kale, Brussels sprouts, and asparagus. I’ve got boxes of them! They said it’s the new flavor kids love!”

“BARF!!!”


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In all fairness, they probably taste OK. But the joke of switching out a sugary treat for a sneaky serving of icky green vegetables tickles my Evil Grand Vizier funny bone. Mwaahahahahaa!


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 08/09/2015 at 10:08 AM   
Filed Under: • Fine-DiningHumor •  
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calendar   Tuesday - August 04, 2015

Finally We Have An Answer

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

To kill the evil infidel!!!

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ISIS now using ‘suicide chickens’ to kill enemies

The barbaric terror group is using bomb vests strapped to poultry in an effort to blow up enemy strongholds.

Commanders can detonate them via remote control in a sickening addition to the murderous regime’s arsenal.

But experts said the crude devices show the chaotic state of the group who, despite its murderous bravado, is having to deal with supply issues.

The group is running low on ammunition as forces target delivery lines leading to Syria and Iraq.

Fighters are now resorting to making their own bombs and mortar shells using gas canisters and fertiliser smuggled over the border from Turkey.

Photos also show the terrorists using shopping trolleys and arming them with deadly machine guns.

It is believed fighters have no heavy lorries available so have to improvise to transport the weaponry.


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 08/04/2015 at 04:08 PM   
Filed Under: • HumorWar On Terror •  
Comments (3) Trackbacks(0)  Permalink •  

calendar   Wednesday - July 29, 2015

In My Inbox

it’s no joke

I am sorry that I have not been very responsive lately to my E-mails.

I have been somewhat under the weather since my doctors informed me that I have an acute case of

Post-Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic Whitehouse Fatigue (PIST-AWF).

For those of you who do not know what that is; PIST-AWF is a newly defined disease that is found to be widespread and highly contagious.

January, 2015 - Doctors at the CDC released a statement disclosing a new disease that has already infected over half of the United States and is anticipated to continue to spread.
The disease itself affects the cells of a person’s entire body then goes dormant.
The disease ravages the body and leaves serious side effects.

These side effects have been labeled as PIST-AWF .

Symptoms include:
* Severe pain of the scalp from pulling your own hair while viewing your president pander to Muslim terrorists.

* Loose bowels from swallowing the fact we elected Obama twice.

* Extreme hunger due to vomiting from nightly seeing terrorists murdering innocent people.

* Bleeding from the eyes. This is not Ebola. It is your eyes reacting to accidentally flipping to a channel that shows Al Sharpton as a legitimate news show host.

If you feel you have Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic Whitehouse Fatigue, please notify your local election board and place your name on the list for a cure.

It is expected, and sincerely hoped, that the cure will be available in November of 2016. Thanks.

h/t to Steve K wink


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 07/29/2015 at 08:02 AM   
Filed Under: • HumorObama, The One •  
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calendar   Monday - July 27, 2015

watching you from behind

And the award for the sickest crazy effer of the week goes to ...

[ fairly harmless grossness to follow. you’ve been warned. ]

It all began with one of those “routine traffic stops”. And then ...

See More Below The Fold

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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 07/27/2015 at 09:36 AM   
Filed Under: • CrimeHumorStoopid-People •  
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calendar   Friday - July 17, 2015

have you seen this mouse? avoid but notify the Mounties. they always get their ……

Yes it’s crime. But I could not help but find it funny.

I’ll also be honest. I had this yesterday, have spent some time bedridden, back is out badly so no posts and no desire.
But I had to be up, caught this and thought I just had to post it. But .... I also saw Drew’s post on my flag (CSA) and boyhood hero in Tn and the planned removal of graves etc., became so depressed I couldn’t post this. I had to give it space. I guess for me personally it hits deeper to the bone and I just need to do something else.

Hell of a way to introduce something funny. Sorry folks. 

Canadian police launch man hunt after robber steals from shop wearing mouse head

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Usually when police ask for help when identifying wanted criminals, they ask the public to take a good look at slightly blurry CCTV images in order to name the suspects.

In Canada however, Crime Stoppers and the Barrie Police Service are asking people to “take a really good look the suspect’s clothing.” That’s because an armed and dangerous robber was wearing a giant mouse’s head when robbing a store in Barrie, Ontario.

Store CCTV shows the man, clad all in black, brandishing a knife and not wearing any shoes, entering the shop and walking straight to the counter. He demands money from the store worker, who complies, before the suspect leaves the shop.


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Posted by peiper   United Kingdom  on 07/17/2015 at 06:07 AM   
Filed Under: • CrimeHumor •  
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calendar   Friday - July 10, 2015

black and white

What is the difference between the U.S. Supreme Court and the Ku Klux Klan?









Members of the Supreme Court dress in black robes and scare white people.


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 07/10/2015 at 07:57 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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calendar   Thursday - July 09, 2015

wish it was a best seller


So, I was walking through the mall, and saw that there was a “Muslim Bookstore.” I was wondering what exactly was in a “Muslim Bookstore” so I went on in.

I was wandering around taking a look and the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn’t look like his normal clientele.

So I asked for a copy of the Australian immigration policy book regarding Muslims.

The clerk said, “Fuck off, get out, and stay out!”

I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have that in paperback?”




sent in by Peiper’s naughty friends


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 07/09/2015 at 08:59 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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calendar   Wednesday - July 01, 2015

potty humor

We were ROFLMAO the first time we saw this one







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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 07/01/2015 at 03:27 PM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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calendar   Friday - June 12, 2015

Jihadi Steve At Your Door

Knock Knock!


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 06/12/2015 at 09:57 AM   
Filed Under: • HumorRoPMA •  
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calendar   Sunday - June 07, 2015

ROLLING BACK TIME. IT’S 1937 AND YOU ARE READING THE AMERICAN MERCURY

Even in his day, this guy was very controversial.  Some folks are still upset and they aren’t even of that generation.

Well what the heck.  Truth to tell you, I just could not wait for July 4 or some other meaningful holiday. Or another election.

Welcome to the world of H.L. Mencken, 1937.

A Constitution for the New Deal

by H.L. Mencken

The American Mercury, June 1937

THE PRINCIPLE
cause of the uproar in Washington is a conflict between the swift-moving idealism of the New Deal and the unyielding hunkerousness of the Constitution of 1788. What is needed, obviously, is a wholly new Constitution, drawn up with enough boldness and imagination to cover the whole program of the More Abundant Life, now and hereafter.
That is what I presume to offer here. The Constitution that follows is not my invention, and in more than one detail I have unhappy doubts of its wisdom. But I believe that it sets forth with reasonable accuracy the plan of government that the More Abundant Life wizards have sought to substitute for the plan of the Fathers. They have themselves argued at one time or another, by word or deed, for everything contained herein:

PREAMBLE

We, the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish social justice, draw the fangs of privilege, effect the redistribution of property, remove the burden of liberty from ourselves and our posterity, and insure the continuance of the New Deal, do ordain and establish this Constitution.

ARTICLE I

The Executive
All governmental power of whatever sort shall be vested in a President of the United States. He shall hold office during a series of terms of four years each, and shall take the following oath: “I do solemnly swear that I will (in so far as I deem it feasible and convenient) faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will (to the best of my recollection and in the light of experiment and second thought) carry out the pledges made by me during my campaign for election (or such of them as I may select).”

The President shall be commander-in-chief of the Army and Navy, and of the militia, Boy Scouts, C.I.O., People’s Front, and other armed forces of the nation.
The President shall have the power: To lay and collect taxes, and to expend the income of the United States in such manner as he may deem to be to their or his advantage;

To borrow money on the credit of the United States, and to provide for its repayment on such terms as he may fix;
To regulate all commerce with foreign nations, and among the several states, and within them; to license all persons engaged or proposing to engage in business; to regulate their affairs; to limit their profits by proclamation from time to time; and to fix wages, prices and hours of work;

To coin money, regulate the content and value thereof, and of foreign coin, and to amend or repudiate any contract requiring the payment by the United States, or by any private person, of coin of a given weight or fineness;

To repeal or amend, in his discretion, any so-called natural law, including Gresham’s Law, the law of diminishing returns, and the law of gravitation.
The President shall be assisted by a Cabinet of eight or more persons, whose duties shall be to make speeches whenever so instructed and to expend the public funds in such manner as to guarantee the President’s continuance in office.

The President may establish such executive agencies as he deems necessary, and clothe them with such powers as he sees fit. No person shall be a member to any such bureau who has had any practical experience of the matters he is appointed to deal with.

One of the members of the Cabinet shall be an Attorney General. It shall be his duty to provide legal opinions certifying to the constitutionality of all measures undertaken by the President, and to gather evidence of the senility of judges.

he’s on a roll and continues HERE


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Posted by peiper   United Kingdom  on 06/07/2015 at 08:23 AM   
Filed Under: • HeroesHistoryHumorUSA •  
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calendar   Thursday - May 21, 2015

garage rage

A neat little story over at American Thinker about what goes on in the mind of a guy suffering from something like road rage.

Just remember, guns and car repairs don’t mix.

But I do understand his feelings. To the letter. Heck I caught a taste of them last night. But just a taste. And no firearms were involved.


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 05/21/2015 at 05:27 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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calendar   Wednesday - May 13, 2015

family dinner

When we were little kids, I always used to try to tell my brother jokes or snappy one liners when he had something in his mouth. Nothing beat cracking him up and watching the milk or toothpaste come shooting out his nose. It was the ultimate brother score.

So I’m up here visiting him and mom for a couple days, doing some heavy lifting tasks neither can do anymore. Today, after a 3 day heat spell, I put the air conditioners in the windows. So naturally it’s getting cold, and we’ll have to use blankets tonight. Tomorrow I get to help rearrange the bushes out in the yard, digging holes for plants and stuff. And carrying boxes of junk out to the garage from the basement. Oh fun!

But tonight we had a nice family dinner, just the three of us. Mom had a frozen kosher chicken, the nice natural kind that isn’t all fat and pumped up flesh. We thawed it out and roasted it with some onions and herbs, and it came out great. I was even Mr. Helpful and made up a nice gravy.

So I get to carve the chicken. Mom wants a drumstick, so I cut one off for her. Cut her a thigh too. Might as well trim the other one while I’m at it. Cut the wings off, one for me, one for the bro. One on each plate. She ladles a scant spoon of green beans onto the plate and takes it out to him. “Here, for your diet.” “Awwww Moooom, can’t I have any meat??” She’s just busting on him, so I get the plate back and go to carve some breast meat. Knife goes down through the skin, and hits breast bone. WTH? Try it again. Skin, bone. This funky chicken has all the breast meat on the side, and almost none up on the bone. So I hacked it off, served him up a plateful, brought it out, and he starts eating. About half a mouthful into it, I tell him that I named the chicken Miley Cyrus. I get a look. I say because it didn’t have much of anything up front, but still managed to show some side boob.

And I almost got him. Another couple of chews and it would have been gravy spew.  I was this close.

My mother comes to the table. “What’s so funny?”

“Andrew named the chicken Miley Cyrus.”

“Who is Malice Iris?” she asks.

And it was gravy time.

Family. Ain’t they great?


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 05/13/2015 at 08:25 PM   
Filed Under: • FamilyHumor •  
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calendar   Thursday - May 07, 2015

dammit missy

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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 05/07/2015 at 11:29 PM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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calendar   Wednesday - May 06, 2015

First Prize

The best drawing in Garland was outside the Draw, Mohammed art show itself.


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link.


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 05/06/2015 at 03:34 PM   
Filed Under: • HumorRoPMAWar On Terror •  
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DISCLAIMER
Allanspacer

THE SERVICES AND MATERIALS ON THIS WEBSITE ARE PROVIDED "AS IS" AND THE HOSTS OF THIS SITE EXPRESSLY DISCLAIMS ANY AND ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, TO THE EXTENT PERMITTED BY LAW INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF SATISFACTORY QUALITY, MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, WITH RESPECT TO THE SERVICE OR ANY MATERIALS.

Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:
  1. Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong
  2. Stay involved with government on every level and don't let those bastards get away with a thing
  3. Use every legal means to defend yourself in the event of real internal trouble, and, most importantly:
  4. Keep talking to each other, whether here or elsewhere
It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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Oh, and here's some kind of visitor flag counter thingy. Hey, all the cool blogs have one, so I should too. The Visitors Online thingy up at the top doesn't count anything, but it looks neat. It had better, since I paid actual money for it.
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