Friday - March 12, 2004

St. Patty’s Day Humor

Yes, I'm of Irish descent (on both sides of my family) so I can out-fight and out-drink any of you bozos any day of the week and twice on Sunday. St. Patricks Day is coming up soon (as well as me birthday next Friday) so I offer up to you lot a wee bit of Irish humor. May the wind always be at your back, lads and lassies!

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An Irishman named O'Callahan went to his doctor to determine the source of his malady. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Callahan in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it's very bad. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Callahan was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.

To his son who had been waiting, O'Callahan said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Callahan's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

O'Callahan told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

His son's eyebrows raised and he opened his mouth, but O'Callahan raised his finger and the frown on his face stifled what his son had planned to say. The friends gave O'Callahan their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Callahan's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Callahan said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

The Irish - you gotta love us !!!!!

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Memo: SOMEONE PLEASE TELL BILL CLINTON TO STAY THE HELL OUT OF IRELAND!

   Tuesday - March 09, 2004

Quote Of The Day

"After two years in Washington, I often long for the realism and sincerity of Hollywood."
-- Former US Senator (and actor) Fred Thompson (R-TN)

   Monday - March 08, 2004

Quote Of The Day

"Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States."
-- J. Bartlett Brebner

   Sunday - March 07, 2004

IMPERIAL DECREE

FROM: The Office of the Benevolent Dictator and Grandfather Emeritus:

TO: All who shall read this (liberals may have this read to them by anyone with 6th grade reading level abilities)

SUBJECT: IMPERIAL DECREE

By IMPERIAL DECREE I now appoint my first born grand daughter, Trinity Joyce Tavares as (OK, what's the word for the female version of Dictator? Dictatrix?!?!?! Yeah, fuck it! That works for me.)

Start over.

FROM: The Office of the Benevolent Dictator and Grandfather Emeritus:

TO: All who shall read this (liberals may have this read to them by anyone with 6th grade reading level abilities)

SUBJECT: IMPERIAL DECREE

By Imperial Decree I now appoint my first born grand daughter, Trinity Joyce Tavares, as Dictatrix in Training for when I abdicate the throne.

My job for the next 18 years will be to train her:

--to avoid all contact with bed-wetting liberals unless she is beating the shit out of them intellectually (see, you didn't think I had a non-violent side, did you?)
--to not wear Birkenstocks
--to avoid eating granola bars
--to cut down, not hug, trees
--to harpoon, not save, the whales
--to belong to the "EARTH FIRST----we'll mine the other planets later" group
--to stay subscribed to Car and Driver and any SUV magazines and buy nothing but gas guzzlers
--to embrace Capitalism as it is the only way to stay on top of the food chain
--to understand that Bambi was a bit of a "light in his loafers" deer and should have been made into venison burgers
--to take college courses that prepare her for maximizing her agricultural profit in a "globally warmed" world
--to shoot a variety of different weapons
--to fish--and NOT practice catch and release. They are food. That's why God put them on this planet.
--to prepare herself for political office since it looks like it might be 21 more years before Tom Daschle gets booted out of South Dakota
--to not only read Conservative publications and commentary but also listen to Conservative radio talk shows. Additionally, for comic relief, I will train her to read liberal nonsense.

That's the short list. Any additions will be gladly entertained.

As for my Minister of Propaganda, Allan, he is hereby pardoned for his deeds (one more "goo-goo" though and I will sentence him to 24/7 listening and viewing of Al Franken, Michael Moore, John Kerry, Bill Clinton, James Carville, Al Gore and Jane Fonda videos.) He is further encouraged to take whatever actions necessary to convince his sons to procreate. I say this on the assumption they are intelligent, conservative men. As a Park Ranger in Wyoming once told me when I asked her if she had kids: It is my job to have as many as I can. Considering what I see going on around me and the fact that those who are procreating the most probably shouldn't, as an intelligent woman I have a responsibility to the human gene pool to have lots of kids to sort of balance things out."

Signed,

Benevolent Dictator Vilmar

Missing Person Report

For those of you who may have missed The Benevolent Dictator (Vilmar) and his angry rants over the last day or two -- never fear. He has been found. It seems our "Terrible Tyrant" became a grandfather on Saturday and has been making "goo-goo" noises on the phone for hours. Hard to imagine, ain't it?

Congratulations, You Old Fart!

P.S. I'm older than Vilmar and my sons are older than his but every time I bring up the subject of grand kids they give me some sort of nonsense about "buying cows" and "milk for free", whatever that means.

Update: it has been brought to my attention that there will be an Imperial Decree from His Highness shortly .... and that if I say "goo-goo" one more time, it's my ass.

Goo-goo ....

   Saturday - March 06, 2004

Quote Of The Day

"I once said cynically of a politician, 'He'll doublecross that bridge when he comes to it.'"
-- Oscar Levant

   Friday - March 05, 2004

An Evil Plan Is Spawned

Researchers at Penn State have managed to create a fuel cell that runs on human waste.

Hmmmmmmmmm .... this means that we can run our cars and power our lives with ...... s**t.

Hmmmmmmmmm .... and since the Barking Moonbats on the Loony Left are full of s**t, we now have a useful purpose for these mental rejects. Jeez, I could run my car for years on the s**t that came from the Howard Dean campaign alone, not to mention how many megawatts I could get from John Kerry.

Damn! I like it when a plan comes together.

Attention: Tokyo Is Now Safe

They're putting Godzilla out to pasture. A fifty year career and still no Oscar©. What a shame.

   Thursday - March 04, 2004

Quote Of The Day

"If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style."
-- Quentin Crisp

   Wednesday - March 03, 2004

Blog Wars: Attack Of The Drones

NEWS FLASH!

Frank J at IMAO is under attack by "The Limey". A Brit Loon has decided to go after the Blogoshpere's FunnyMan. Hilarity ensues as Frank unleashes everything but the Ninja Swords.

Now, normally I don't have a problem with anyone going after Frank because I'm much funnier than him (and Dave Barry too - so Nyah-nah-ha-ha) but this has escalated into Blog War IV. So, pull your jock strap tight and take a look. It's more fun than you can imagine. Jump in and comment. Remember, you heard it here first - at the greatest site in the Blogosphere!

Tell 'em Allan and Vilmar sent ya!

   Tuesday - March 02, 2004

Quote Of The Day

"My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them."
-- Penn Jillette

Photo Caption Contest

This photo was taken from the conning tower of the USS Honolulu (Los Angeles-class fast attack submarine) in October 2003 at the Arctic Circle (280 miles from the North Pole).

Help us create a caption for this picture. Leave us your proposed caption in the comments. As First Prize we will not tell the bears where you live. I'll start it off with mine. Mheh-heh-he .....



(-- Thanks to Don R.)

Scientific Breakthrough

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium. Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass. You will know it when you see it.

(-- Thanks to Don R.)

Quote Of The Day

"It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember."
-- Senator Eugene McCarthy

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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:

1. Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong
2. Stay involved with government on every level and don't let those bastards get away with a thing
3. Use every legal means to defend yourself in the event of real internal trouble, and, most importantly:
4. Keep talking to each other, whether here or elsewhere

It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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