Thursday - January 08, 2009

SHORTEST, QUICKEST POST IN THE BLOG WORD.

Posted by peiper     on 01/08/2009 at 07:27 AM   
Filed Under: • Fun-Stuff • Humor • UK •  
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   Tuesday - January 06, 2009

Natural Born Redneck

An angry 4-year-old boy in Ohio grabbed a gun from a closet and shot his babysitter, police said.

Eighteen-year-old Nathan Beavers was admitted to the hospital on Sunday with minor wounds to his arm and side after the shotgun attack. Police said another teenager was also injured.

Witnesses told police the child was angry because Mr Beavers accidentally stepped on his foot. Mr Beavers was watching the child at a mobile home in Jackson with several other teenagers and several other children. The Jackson County Sheriff, John Shashteen, said authorities were investigating. The child has not been charged.

Mr Beavers was being treated at Ohio State University Medical Centre in Columbus for gunshot wounds to his arm and side according to The Columbus Dispatch.

“He [the boy] didn’t say much,” Chief Deputy Jim Ephlin said of the suspect, the paper reported. “He said he was mad at Nathan. He said, ‘I’m going to go get a gun.’ The others thought he was kidding and was going to get a toy gun.”

The boy is in the custody of his parents “until we see what the prosecutor wants to do,” Mr Ephlin said. The parents of the injured youth told deputies they did not want any legal action taken against the boy, he added, the paper said.

Posted by Drew458     on 01/06/2009 at 05:19 PM   
Filed Under: • Crime • Humor •  
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   Thursday - January 01, 2009

Better get some untaxed income…

Welcome to the Obama economy!

There’ll never be another Ron Moody!

Posted by Christopher     on 01/01/2009 at 08:00 PM   
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   Tuesday - December 30, 2008

A Miracle

A guest post by Rancino ...

In a few short days, an African-American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers.  A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well-trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us, but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count our blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.

Many believed this day would never come.  Most of us hoped and prayed that it would, but few of us actually believed we would live to see it.  Racism is an ugly thing in all of its forms, and there is little doubt that if this man had moved into this house fifteen years ago, there would have been a great outcry - possibly even rioting in the streets.

Today, we can all be both grateful and proud that no such mayhem will take place when this man takes up residency in this house.

This man moving into this house at this time in our nation’s history is much more than a simple change of addresses for him - it is proof of a change in our attitude as a nation.  It is an amends of sorts - the righting of a great wrong.  It is a symbol of our growth, and of our willingness to “judge a man, not by the color of his skin, but by the content of his character”.

There can be little doubt now that the vast majority of us truly believe that this man has earned both his place in history and his new address.  His time in this house will not be easy - it will be fraught with danger and he will face many challenges.  I am sure there will be many times when he asks himself how in the world he ended up here and, like all who have gone before him, the experience will age him greatly.

But I, for one, will not waste an ounce of worry for his sake - because in every way a man can, he asked for this.  His whole life for the past fifteen years appears to have been inexorably leading this man toward this house.  It is highly probable that in the past, despite all of his actions, racism would have kept this man out of this house.  Today, I thank the lord above that I am an American and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters, and where truly anything is possible.

What, you thought I was talking about Obama?

CLOSE IT UP ...

Posted by Drew458     on 12/30/2008 at 10:45 PM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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   Monday - December 29, 2008

geriactric humor

If these don’t apply to you already, they will soon enough.

An elderly gentleman ...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’

******************************

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’

******************************

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

******************************

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

******************************

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure.’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. ‘
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast ?’

******************************

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’

******************************

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer.’

******************************

A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor . ‘What kind is it?’
‘Twelve thirty.’

******************************

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’’
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

******************************

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

Hey, #8 applies to me already!
Sent in by the other Carole. Thanks!

Posted by Drew458     on 12/29/2008 at 02:24 PM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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   Wednesday - December 24, 2008

Gift wrapping with your parrot.  It’s a tad longish BUT it is FUNNY!

WHAT?  YOU HAD SOMETHING ELSE BETTER TO DO THIS LATE ON CHRISTMAS EVE?
This is funny and H/T Thorolf with thanks.

Gift wrapping with your parrot

1.  Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2.  Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained and shut door.

3.  Open door and remove bird from closet and put back on stand.

4.  Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5.  Go back and remove bird from cupboard, place on stand again.

6.  Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.

7.  Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table.

8.  Go back to drawer to get string, remove bird that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string, being sure to untangle bird from it and place back in cage this time.

9.  Remove present from bag.

10.  Remove bird from bag.

11.  Open box to check present, remove bird from box. Replace present as well as replacing lock on bird cage that bird unlocked.

12.  Lay out paper to determine size to cut.

13.  Try to smooth out paper, realize bird is underneath, unlock cage, actually put bird in cage this time and get back to work.

14.  Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.

15.  Throw away first sheet as bird chased the scissors, and tore the paper.

16.  Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting bird in the bag the present came in.

17.  Place present on paper.

18.  Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don’t reach. Realize bird is between present and paper. Remove bird again.

19.  Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape.

20.  Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from bird while getting the beak of death as tape pulls on feathers. Place band-aids on hands and nose.

21.  Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

22.  Look for roll of ribbon. Chase bird down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.

23.  Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

24.  Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to bird’s enthusiastic ribbon chase.

25.  Repeat steps 13 - 20 until you reach last sheet of paper.

26.  Decide to skip steps 13 - 17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper and any more skin. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper.

27.  Put present in box and tie down with string.

28.  Remove string, open box and remove bird.

29.  Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for a room with lock.

30.  Once inside locking room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials.

31.  Remove bird from box, unlock door, put bird in cage, close and relock.

32.  Repeat previous step as often as necessary (until you can hear bird from outside door!).

33.  Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best!).

34.  Discover bird has already torn paper. Unlock door, go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year’s paper. Remembering that you haven’t got any left because bird helped with this last year as well.

35.  Return to lockable room, lock door and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.

36.  Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.

37.  Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.

38.  Unlock door and go to kitchen to make drink and feed bird.

39.  Spend 15 minutes looking for bird until coming to obvious conclusion.

40.  Unwrap present, untie box and remove bird.

41.  Go to store and buy a gift bag

Cheers all and have a safe if it’s gonna be Merry. 

Posted by peiper     on 12/24/2008 at 09:46 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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   Tuesday - December 23, 2008

Merry Christmas!

The following video really brought back some memories of the Blizzard of ‘78 here in Ohio.

THAT was a blizzard. They’ve called a few winter storms a ‘blizzard’ since then, but they were nothing compared to ‘78. Point: I delivered the mail during one so-called ‘blizzard’ in ‘94. That wasn’t a blizzard, that was just ‘white-out’ conditions that only lasted half a day. The ‘78 blizzard lasted three days, during which time we ran out of heating oil in the farmhouse. So my parents and sisters, yes, and me, huddled in our parents bedroom during the day with the electric heater and the TV. But, during those three days, guess who was sent out to the barnyard to feed and water the chickens (and collect their eggs) and the horse? Yep! Me.

So, after the storm passed, we (er...I mean, the rest of the family, I’d been out several times...) ventured out and let the dog out. She hadn’t seen so much snow before and the result was much like this:

UPDATE:

Phoebe, our dog in ‘78 was much like this dog Bailey. She was about the same build, same color scheme, though the markings were different. Same spring in her step.

Phoebe was a Catahoula. I wonder if Bailey, the Unknown Reindeer is a Catahoula? Could be. 

Posted by Christopher     on 12/23/2008 at 04:56 PM   
Filed Under: • Fun-Stuff • Humor •  
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SHAMELESSLY STOLEN FROM FRIEND VILMAR …

I always check V. to see what he’s up to and he’s usually up to a hell of a lot.
I’ve thought of stealing more but ,,, well ,,, maybe another one later.

H/T VILMAR

And that’s the truth!

Posted by peiper     on 12/23/2008 at 06:49 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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   Thursday - December 18, 2008

congratulatory Ad for the new President

Shamelessley stolen from Treacher.

The Washington Post is graciously allowing us to pay $10 each for classified ads congratulating BHO on his inauguration. And they must be congratulatory. No bringing up Wright or Ayers or Rezko or Blago or Alinsky or any other topic that might furrow the brow of the Messiah.

So, okay, fine. Here’s my ad:

Gratefully, everyone told Bush, “Enough.” New times! Change! Obama makes me incredibly elated!

Posted by Mr. Christian     on 12/18/2008 at 04:02 PM   
Filed Under: • Humor • Obama, The One •  
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   Wednesday - December 17, 2008

Holiday Card

Here’s an email I just received from a friend:

To All My Democrat Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

To My Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Posted by Mr. Christian     on 12/17/2008 at 04:15 PM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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   Sunday - December 14, 2008

MEOW!!

Posted by Drew458     on 12/14/2008 at 12:06 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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   Friday - December 12, 2008

SOMEONE IS TO BLAME AND IT’S EVERYONE’S FAULT BUT THE PERSON WHO MADE THE ERROR!

THE BLAME GAME

This is personal and as stated once before, what else is a blog site for? 
I’m not upset, really I’m not.  In fact, this would be quite funny in a Loral and Hardy film. 
In fact, it’s somewhat funny anyway. 

Lets see if I can explain this coherently.  It is not a big deal and it isn’t even bothersome.
But it’s an indication of a particular mind set and incompetence.  A way of thinking and doing one’s job, making a mistake and saying, “BUT IT’S NOT MY FAULT.” And pointing the fickle finger at someone else.

As in the past, those who read BMEWS will know I have posted before on the nuttiness of some things medical here.  From the lunacy of how to get a prescription filled, trouble with the agency that provides in home care for the wife’s mother, and of course my own adventures recently with making an appointment to see a doctor (needed a password ), and more recently my Colonoscopy adventure.

Well, here’s more and it isn’t just the idea that it involves the same agency mentioned. And it does.  It’s the idea that has taken root globally that mistakes and boners are NEVER the fault of the person who originates the error.  Oh no.  It’s always somebody else’s fault.

So here at last is the latest installment of pass the buck. 

Every week we get something called a client rota.  In our language (USA) a schedule.  It is a weekly schedule that tells us what time the care givers come to change the diaper and clean the old lady in the next room. It gives the times both morning and afternoon and who will be coming at those times.

Schedules we’ve been told, are made up two weeks in advance. And so every week we receive a schedule in the mail for the coming week.  This would be snail mail btw.  That’s important to note because 200 schedules went out this week at a cost to the agency of approx. $160.00 in postage.
With the wrong date and times. They thought they were mailing out a schedule for the Christmas week.  But no, what arrived in the post were four sheets of paper.  Two of those sheets are for next week, Monday through Sunday, 21 December. .  The other two sheets are for …… the very same thing.  In other words, duplicates.

When the care givers, as they are called, arrived to make the afternoon diaper change, one of the team was someone who normally works in their office and fills in on house calls when they are short handed.  Since she was office personnel my wife pointed out that we had a duplicate schedule and asked if it shouldn’t have been the Christmas one instead.

She immediately said yes and went on to defend herself saying, “It wasn’t my fault.  I made the copies and handed them to someone else to put in the envelopes for mailing.  IF I HAD DONE THE STUFFING AND MAILING, I WOULD HAVE CHECKED THEM FIRST.”

She actually said that. 

Now why on earth would the person being handed stuff to mail, think to check her co-workers work?  So if it isn’t her fault, whose?

More likely I suppose it was my fault for opening this morning’s mail and even the postman who delivered it. 

Hey that’s right.  The postman.  Like I said. “IT WASN’T MY FAULT.”

Oh boy.
Stay Tuned. 

Posted by peiper     on 12/12/2008 at 10:27 AM   
Filed Under: • Health-Medicine • Humor • Personal • UK •  
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I STOLE THIS FROM MACKER WHO GOT IT FROM VILMAR.  FUNNY STUFF.  THANKS MAC. V. TOO.

JUST ONE WORD OF CAUTION FOLKS ....

A TINY BIT OF VERY BAD LANGUAGE.  SO THERE.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.  BUT IT IS FUNNY ANYWAY.

CHEERS ON A FREEZING FRIDAY MORNING FROM WINCHESTER.

Posted by peiper     on 12/12/2008 at 04:26 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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   Thursday - December 11, 2008

This could be bad

Oh yeah, this could be really really bad ...

Posted by Drew458     on 12/11/2008 at 09:51 PM   
Filed Under: • Humor • Sex •  
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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:

1. Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong
2. Stay involved with government on every level and don't let those bastards get away with a thing
3. Use every legal means to defend yourself in the event of real internal trouble, and, most importantly:
4. Keep talking to each other, whether here or elsewhere

It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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